Who Are Your Friends?

As I've mentioned many times this weekend, I missed Church today and I feel so bummed about it but luckily the amazing guys in the tech team were live on twitter so I got all the notes. They did such a great job, I was in a car on my way out of Nairobi but I felt like I was seated right there in Church. 


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I loved Pastor M's sermon as usual, and here are the notes. It's taken me an hour but I managed to piece it together from twitter. Enjoy!

This is the year we're really connecting with God and this February we are encouraging the congregation to do a month long fast. We really want to listen to God & hear him speak to us this year. Fasting is one of the ways you can do this. Read more on fasting &prepare.

Now, this show ran for ten years, it continues to sell millions worldwide. It won 63 different awards. The final episode was watched by an estimated 51 million in the US alone. It won 6 Emmy's. What's the name of the show? Friends! The reason it was so successful was because it spoke to a need in young people who need friends and identify with the characters on the show. They found that the companionship, comfort and support they got from each other was the ideal solution to the pressures of life.

What we learnt last week is that money, no matter how much you have will not make you successful if you have a cracked foundation. People who care for us and have our best interests at heart, that’s one of the ways that would make us successful, and in many ways, that's what Friends was about.

On the other hand, these friendships though depicted as funny and authentic, had many serious flaws. They were over sexualized, became dysfunctional, led to broken marriages and resulted in much pain and stress. The question is this – is there another way to do it?

We believe there is - God's Way.

We’re going through a series called ‘Shinda Maisha’ and learning about how to prepare for REAL success through the stages of life. It’s an opportune time to talk about this, with the explosion of the many lotteries which are teaching a generation of Kenyans that success is winning a lot of money. Just this last week, the Shinda Smart competition was banned for lack of integrity of process, If you sent in 60/= installments, our sympathies to you

Last week we talked about the foundation years, and the importance of teaching values when your child is aged 0-10. We learnt that 'It’s not luck you need; it’s training’. Even if you won Ksh. 25M but have not developed a value foundation, the money will destroy you!

Today we want to look at the next stage, the years of education, when one is aged between 11-25. Some of you are at this stage in life and so this will be very useful. Some of you have children in this stage so we hope this guides you. Many of you are past this stage, but as you listen, I trust that you will see areas with cracks in your life that you can address.

The educational years are a recent addition into a person’s development, and are a direct result of the modern education system. This stage was non-existent before colonialism because prior to that time, children would go through a rite of passage and transition directly into adults. If they were men; they would become warriors or protectors of the family. If they were women, they would be prepared for marriage & family. Even in the West, the whole concept of teenager didn’t exist before the Industrial Revolution!  

Today, these ‘teen’ and ‘young adult’ years are seen as an intermediate stage when a person is not a child anymore, but still doesn’t carry a clear adult role in society. For some of you, this stage ended early because you took on a job but for many, it lasts till after college. At this stage, several things are going on in a person’s life.

• Physical and emotional changes - these begin with adolescence, as we begin to form a sexual identity. For both girls and boys it is a tumultuous time. Do you remember your teenage years?
• Independent thinking – People at this stage begin to want a degree of independence to experiment and to test out their own theories about life, as they’re establishing a sense of identity.
• Self Consciousness –You want to fit in, to be popular. That’s why till today, high school boys will roll up their sleeves, turn up collars etc
• Peer Influence - Young people at this stage no longer see their parents as all-knowing or all-powerful and often have developed other relationships that they now consider as wiser and more ‘with it’

With the influence of the media, many kids today are highly sexualized and begin acting out sexually as early as 5 or 6 years old. Many parents, totally oblivious to the fact that this is not normal dress their children suggestively because that’s what’s ‘in fashion’. This is a disaster waiting to happen when those children become teenagers.

Many parents are too busy to realize that even the content being marketed as children’s TV contains very un-childlike values. All these things are happening when the person is in school, and the focus is on getting good grades, getting into a good college, and getting a good degree.

Many parents have no idea what challenges their teens/young adults are going through. And so they either continue treating them as children or they give up and allow them to experiment without guidance. Some parents try hard to be their children’s peer (a la Gilmore Girls) unfortunately; none of these parenting approaches help us win in life.

What are the lessons that a person should learn through the educational years? There are several, including how to handle money wisely. In the US for instance, it was not uncommon to see a young Kenyan student racking up thousands of dollars in credit-card debt, spending years out of college trying to pay it off. All they had learnt at school and home was irrelevant to help them succeed in the adult world! Sports and academics are important, because not only because they’ll help you make money but also because they’ll teach you the disciplines of hard work

One of the most important lessons to learn is to teach your teens or to learn for yourself as a young adult is how to form and maintain positive friendships. What we’re saying today is if you won the lottery or succeed in your career but don’t have a wall of solid & dependable friends around you it will leave you even more isolated and lonely, surrounded by sycophants who don’t care for you. That is a recipe for failure in life!

The whole book of Proverbs is written to a young man in this stage of life. One of the themes it emphasizes greatly is that of positive relationships. Please turn to one such example;

Proverbs 27:6-10: Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. He who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even what is bitter will taste sweet. Like a bird that strays from its nest, is a man who strays from his home. Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel. Do not forsake your friend and the friend of your father, and do not go to your brother’s house when disaster strikes you– better a neighbor nearby than a brother far away.

Our passage shows us some of the qualities you need to look for in a positive friendship, as well as some of the qualities you need to have if you are to be such a friend to others. There are at least three tests for positive friendship…

1.    The Realness Test

V.6-7 says ‘Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. He who is full loathes honey, but to the hungry even what is bitter tastes sweet’.

High school socialization taught us to view relationships with ladies as sexual; and relationships with guys as competitive and vice versa. In other words, you learnt how to make superficial relationships because you were constantly projecting an image.

One day, my mentor, Pastor Oscar challenged me. He’d watched me take out a girl for dinner one week and then a different one the next week. When he asked my intentions, I said they were both just friends. He told me, ‘there are some men who lead men, and there are some men who chase women!’ Although I made the decision then to change how I related to women, it took me years to learn to make good, healthy friendships with other men.

Who are your friends? This passage is saying that you should learn to make friends with people who can be real with you and not have to maintain a certain image. Those who will speak the truth, in love to you. People who are not impressed by your reputation - not ‘mafans’ who only tell you what you want to hear.

Who are your friends? Are you able to speak the truth in love to them? Do they feel free to ask you the hard questions about life? Do you find yourself only able to share deeply with people of the opposite gender? Do you find it hard to form good healthy friendships with people of the same gender? These are signs that your walls are broken & need repair.

1. 2.    The Value-Add Test

Verse 8-9 ‘Like a bird that strays from its nest is a man who strays from his home. Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from his earnest counsel’. This quality has to do with value-addition. Do your friends reinforce positive values in your life or do they cause you to misbehave? Are you a better person when you are with them?

Psalms1-Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. Who are your friends? This passage says rather than being surrounded by people who are cool or popular, we should surround ourselves with people who help us become better people.

Along the highway to God’s purpose, you’ll need travel companions. These are the friends who share your values, who believe the same things about reality that you do. You need friends who will help you resist the sexual pressure in the media.

For example, if you believe that time with your wife and family comes before career advancement or personal entertainment, it’s difficult to walk the distance with friends who have the opposite values. This happens to many men. Your ‘boys’ start making fun of you at the office “This guy is always running home after work. He must have a curfew!” Next thing you know, it’s after work and there you are, going for a drink with the guys.

The problem is you never learnt to apply the value-add test to your friendships. Amos 3:3 asks the question “Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?” (KJV)

For parents, one thing you can do in this regard is put your children in touch with other children who share their values. Something else my parents did when we were that age is that they allowed us to invite our close friends over, and got to know them. They were teaching us to influence our peers positively, rather than waiting to be influenced negatively.

Proverbs 27:17 ‘As iron sharpens iron, a friend sharpens a friend’. 

1. 3.    The Commitment Test

“Do not forsake your friend and the friend of your father and do not go to your brother’s house when disaster strikes you – better a neighbor nearby than a brother far away.”

There are those friends who give you a lot of airtime when you’re doing well. You go for plots together and generally are tight, but when things are not going well, you would never dare share it with them because you have to keep up the façade.

John 2:23, tells us “Many believed in Him as they saw the miracles He performed. But Jesus did not trust Himself to them.”

While He didn’t chase them away, He knew the difference between a fan and a true friend. And He had such friends.

Who are your friends? Do you have friends who are committed to you no matter what? Who will stay by your side in good times or in bad? Who you call when things are not good and you can count on them to make sacrifices on your behalf? Do you have friends who can count on you in the same way? If not, it’s a great sign that your walls are damaged and in need of repair.

So who are your friends? We’re saying that the key lesson in your teen and young adult years needs to be building positive friendships.

If you didn’t learn to build such friendships. You are setting yourself up for loneliness, sexualized and competitive relationships. Even in marriage, you won’t know how to be friends. You’ll need outside stimulation and entertainment to keep your relationship together as you don’t know how to sit and connect.

Ultimately, it doesn’t matter how much money you make, without positive reinforcement, you are setting yourself up for life failure. Who are your friends?

Along your journey to purpose, there will be many discouragements and reasons to give up. The only way to ensure you make it is to surround yourself with friends who are real with you, who add value to your life and who are committed to you.

Here at Mavuno, the Life Group is the one group that’s committed to help you discover God’s purpose for your life. We have great Life Groups at Mavuno where real relationships are being forged. People are learning to support each other’s dreams, to hold each other accountable, to walk towards life purpose together.