He Shall Find Me On My Way

When I was in College - pause - did I really just use that statement? Where did the time go?? Anyway, when I was in College, I was a major procrastinator. I hated studying for exams and somehow, unconsciously, I would always surround myself with drama the weeks approaching exam time. I realized close to the end of my college career that finals week would be the days I would be going through a breakup or fights with friends. I guess, I needed the drama to distract me from the pressure of studying or to create enough tension to keep me focused. So very unhealthy, but it was a pattern I could count on - and when I recognized it, I used it to my advantage and got straight A's literally on every exam the week of my break-up.

I just realized, since there aren't any breakups or friends to fight with in my life right now, I might still unconsciously be creating drama to distract me from the pressure of life and whatever this season I'm in is. The thing is, as you know by now, for the past few weeks, I've been stuck in this rut. All of a sudden tonight, my attitude has for the most part, been transformed. I don't know if it's the events of the past couple of days or just, to be blunt, mood swings. Whatever it is, tonight I feel charged.

I'm still hungry for more. I still have questions. I still can't stay where I've been. I still want to go deeper. I still am not convinced I've seen enough of God in my personal life to prove His realness in the vast sense that the Bible declares. But, despite all this, tonight I'm charged with the realization that life is too short to sit here with my questions doing nothing but waiting for answers. I'm still waiting for Him to answer me, but He will find me on the way. I need to charge forward with the work He has given me. If this season is a  season of growth & building, I need to roll my sleeves up, grow & build. When He does come and answer me, He will find me walking on this journey, 10 steps ahead of where I should be. Waging & warring, not curled up in a tight ball of hopelessness and trepidation.

I have such a good example to use, which is probably not the best to put on here; I will say this, sometimes you need to be an Olivia shouting at and calling out the powerful Cyrus in you when he's decided to cower away and retreat. If you catch the reference, great, if not, don't worry about it. The point is, get over yourself and work! Work yourself back into your rightful place of victory.

There's so much I want to do and need to do and know I'm made to do. In the truest version of me, circumstances, visa/immigration situations, uncertainties, hormones, moods, emotions set aside, His passion is burning inside of me, there is literally no time to waste. Jeremiah 20:9 (AMP) "If I say, I will not make mention of [the Lord] or speak any more in His name, in my mind and heart it is as if there were a burning fire shut up in my bones. And I am weary of enduring and holding it in; I cannot [contain it any longer]."

In the truest version of me, the only time I feel fully alive is when this passion for Him is ignited. It puts things in perspective. My life is in your hands Lord, what would you have me do?

Much Ado About Everything

Some pretty interesting things have happened in this journey of stepping into whatever season this is God is pushing me into. (Yes, I said God is pushing me into even though I know my last post was on doubting whether He was real or not) I tell you, His existence is simply not something you can get away from. I genuinely have no idea and can't imagine the thought process of an atheist. When you're excited and you say, "Oh My God!" What do you mean? Or when you're frustrated and say, "Oh Lord!" What does that mean? Because to me, I actually am calling out to Someone. I can't not believe in His exitence. I don't even know how that would work if I didn't believe He was real. Anyway, back to my story...

Some pretty interesting things have happened in this process. I've been waking up at 5:30AM to pray. I felt like I needed to. I always make these big declarations about what I'm going to do to move God or shift my circumstances and I rarely stick to them past a couple of days. I'm actually learning to be less legalistic about my life, no amount of "self-help" steps are going to change me if my heart's not changed from the inside. So I wasn't expecting to stick too long to this early wake up call thing, but with the way it's been working, I just might ;-)

Night 1. I get up and do my thing and pray specifically over finances, then an hour later, I fell asleep and got woken up by a phone call from a cold-caller, I don't know if that's what they're called in America. Anyway, this automated voice leaves a message that says, my loan application for $8000 has been received and to call them to complete the process. This was at 6AM. I've never gotten a cold call that early and never gotten a cold call like that. So, it may just be coincidence that happened, but it's just really weird.

Night 2. Normal.

Night 3. Met the guy walking his dog from the last post & got the prophetic word during worship.

Night 4. Normal.

Night 5. Slept in, but weirdly, I felt a part of me wake up and start praying. I could have just been dreaming, but it was around 5ish AM - I didn't check but I'm guessing because a few minutes later my housemate (who gets up at 5:30) woke up. I don't know if it was a dream or my spirit really did wake up and pray. I know that happens sometimes.

Night 6. Normal

So, as I pray, in my super honest, super dramatic flair ;-) I just tell God, "I don't know what to do!!! I don't know what's going on with me!!!" I'm stuck between feeling like I'm on the brink of something and feeling hopeless because I've been on the brink for so long and so many things have gone...not so great in the process, I don't know if it's here yet or what's going on.

My friend asked me what he could pray about for me, my honest answer, wasn't finances or any of my "pressing needs", it was honestly, just to get a deeper revelation of God. He's taking me somewhere. That's the reason for all of this. That's why I feel so unsettled. He could literally breathe on my circumstances and they would be fulfilled but He's not and that's for a reason. He's taking me somewhere and the sooner I figure out where, the sooner the rest of these things will be taken care of.

I've prayed for chronically ill people before. Three things I've noticed are, one, the person becomes so comfortable in their illness, their identity is formed around it and they unconsciously decide that this is their lot in life and God intends for them to live this way for some reason that sounds perfectly logical and even holy sometimes. Two, they just have no concept of God - the loving Father and believe if they get healed, then the devil is going to send some other form of attack their way. Both stem from fear of disappointment and comfort in malady. Three, they have tons of breakthrough in their spirit, but it doesn't translate physically.

I don't want that to be my life. I refuse to settle for less than, that my life will just be ordinary because that's my lot in life or it's the season I'm in "waiting for God's perfect timing". There's a reason for the journey but if I'm not growing, if I'm not getting better, I'm not just sitting here. I'm happy to be single, but it better be because God is saving someone massively incredible for me. I'm happy to not be earning any money right now, but it better be because soon I'm going to have more money than I know what to do with. I'm happy to live away from my family and be disconnected from my nephew & nieces growing up but it better mean that my family is going to be incredible and powerful at the end of this. I'm happy to serve unnoticed in the background, but it better be because God is preparing a place for me some day.

God owes me nothing, I know that, but at the same time, if He says I'm His daughter, my voice should carry some influence in the Kingdom. I have the ability to pray stuff in that was meant for a different season. I don't need to settle or accept my "lot in life". Like I've said before, Jesus made such a huge deal about a lot of things - how life should be abundant and supernatural, it's time we make a huge deal out of them as well.

I Thought It'd Be Bigger...

I have a ton of notebooks and journals. I have an online journal and I have this. When I get them, I always say, this book will be dedicated to this topic etc etc. I feel like I've ignored this blog though, when the truth is of all my journals, this one probably feeds me the most. Knowing I can come here and track my life and how I've grown for the past 4 years is awesome. I've gotten all of my jobs because of this blog. I think because of that, I've not been motivated to write as much because I started writing for everyone else and not for me.

That's going to change though, starting from today. The truth is, my life every part of me, what you read here, this is all what makes me tick, what makes me a FANTASTIC employee, a great creative mind, and generally great.

Anyway, down to the nitty gritty. So lately, I've been in a season where my faith has been confronted a lot. Everything about my life speaks to the fact that I know God and I'm living for Him, but sometimes, you hit a speed bump and you have to navigate your way through it.

My speed bump has been the question, is God really real? I might be a totally sold out Christian, but I'm still living in this world and I see the same things everybody else sees and I wonder sometimes. I'm not talking about the big issues of the world, wars and violence and climate change, I'm talking about, if God is real then why am I still struggling in areas where He knows I need Him?
In this season, the first 5 minutes of my prayers have been spent repeating, "God you are real" over and over again because I need to get myself to believe it.

I grew up on intellectual faith, I know He's real because I know the Bible is real and I love what the Bible says. In my brain, I know God is real, there can be no other way. I know He is real because I am here, I am way too complex to have just appeared or evolved out of a monkey. I Intellectually, I have no doubt as to the realness of God, and the God from the Bible is a God I would give my life to.

I graduated to a social faith, where I know He's real because my mom prayed every morning and night aloud for my entire life and probably even before then. I know He's real because my mom has given away all her life savings to see the advancement of the people she's responsible to love and by extension to God. I know He's real because I am surrounded by people who paused their whole lives to pursue Him. I know He is real because people have personal stories about Him and the God from those stories is a God I would give my life to.

I've had a little bit of experiential faith where I know God is real because I'm here in the land of my promise pursuing my dreams and that door was opened supernaturally. I know God is real because I've lived a year away from home successfully. I know God is real because of the favor on my life to be able to work for some of the best people in the world, doing jobs I could never have dreamed of. I know God is real because of the moments I've felt Him, when His words have jumped off the page and literally knocked the wind out of my chest. I know God is real because at my weakest, He's used me to touch people's lives even when I didn't intentionally go after that. I know God is real because of the way I physically react when He comes close. I know God is real because of how I feel when I speak in tongues or pray a specific prayer over someone that meets their needs.

So I was having this conversation with a friend on our morning run and a man appears out of nowhere, walking his dog and he starts conversation with us and reads to us out of "Jesus Calling" the devotional. Everything He says responds to every question I had in my heart. I know God is real because of divine encounters like that. How does that even happen. We watched him walk away and half of me was waiting for him to disappear in front of my eyes because it felt too perfect, like an angel came to deliver the word at the precise time I needed it.

Later today, a girl came up to me during worship and prophesied over me again speaking His words directly into my areas of doubt. I know God is real because she could have said anything else in the world, but she said those words.

I feel like this is where I'm at, God keeps showing me things to show me He's real and I get it, I really do. There's virtually no reason not to get it, but I feel like the kid in this Subaru Outback ad, "I thought it'd be bigger". I'm not saying it to hurt my Dad, I'm only saying it because He said there would be more, there would be greater. He played up this whole salvation thing so much, that there has to be more to it than words and twitches.

I don't think being set financially would make Him anymore real, even if it was like a million dollars fell from Heaven directly, well maybe then, jk. I don't think me meeting "the one" and getting married would make Him any more real. I don't think a green card and a job offer would make Him any more real, well maybe, lol again, jk. With all these things and nothing more, I'd still be back here in a year asking the same question. I thought freedom would be more free. I thought joy would be more joyous. I think it's OK to be like this kid. I'm so appreciative for every small beginning, but I thought it would be bigger. I'm ready for bigger. I need my ginormous bison to walk toward me. I don't know what that looks like, but I need it. I know God is real, maybe the problem is, I have made Him too small in my eyes.

Make Me a Dream In Someone's Heart

So I heard this line randomly in my head and I thought, 'ooh that makes a good prayer', so I prayed, "God make me a dream in someone's heart" I guess in the sense that, I would fulfill someone's desire for a good employee, or good volunteer or maybe even good wife.

Anyway, I prayed and that was that, but maybe a day later, I thought, wait, what if  that was God telling me to make Him a dream in someone's heart. How would I even do that? By showing off what an amazing life I have? Because that would not be a really long list. Don't get me wrong, my life is amazing, but what is amazing to me, may look like a whole lot of not-that-great to one person and a whole lot of work to the next.

How do I make God a desire in someone's heart, when my life isn't all together?

Isn't that the point though? To make even one person see the passion the Father's love drives you into, that you could hold your worship through the storm, through the wreck, through the fire, because you know the Father loves you and you can't be convinced otherwise?

Bill Johnson says, God will often bless you only as much as it takes to keep your trust on Him and not the blessing. In my struggle, trusting Him, needing Him is easy. I don't want struggle to define my life and my relationship with God; but I feel like struggle sometimes births the sacrifice of praise, I'm actually sacrificing my right to be weighed down and sacrificing the focus due my struggle and gazing upon Jesus and singing, "You are good, You are here" when it feels like anything but that. Thing is, sometimes, I led myself into the struggle, in which case, I surely need Him; in another case, maybe the enemy is trying to rob you, in which case, you need Him still. Either way, I need Him.

Maybe making Him a dream in someone's heart looks like showing people what a heart sold out looks like. Seriously, there's no going back. I don't care what happens or doesn't happen, what the enemy tries or doesn't try. I will not leave my Father. Like, that's settled. I might be stubborn and petulant when He doesn't do what I want Him to do when I want Him to do it, but I will not leave Him, I will always come back to Him, He is home.

Maybe making Him a dream in someone's heart looks like dreaming big dreams, staying hopeful and giving God room to move on them. Anyone can make a small goal achievable, but it's the big things that cause the world to take notice and want what you have. That's the dream I want to inspire. That God adds super to the natural and extra to the ordinary.

Bethel Church: The Real Deal

"Steady Heart" from The Undoing by Steffany Frizzell-Gretzinger

I've been at Bethel over a year now...feels so good to say that! Bill always says, "people come here searching for revival but they stay for the culture." I was back home during the summer and when people asked me about my experience, I was very clear in the fact that this was not heaven! I still went through some very real experiences and encountered some very real people. Not every situation or person was sunshine and roses. That led to the question, "So why would you want to go back?"



Honestly, let me just speak from the heart. First of all, coming here, I did not plan this at all, finding God and family in California has been the word in the deepest part of my heart since I first became a Christian 14 years ago, so being here, it feels to me, it's honestly just like I stepped into a wave God had already created 14 years ago.

Second, the way these leaders love and honor each other. They aren't all besties, but the way they talk about each other makes them seem like they are. There's such a high value for excellence and you can see it through Bethel Music for example and how everything they release is top notch. Even their offices, everything from the logo to the wallpaper to the desk lamps screams excellence and intentionality. Like I said, I've been here over a year, I promise you, there is genuinely no competition among the leaders, everyone is fully free to be who they are and they fully celebrate each other and never compete. Look at this video! Steffany is fully herself and Amanda is fully herself. Nobody has to shrink to maximize the other, nobody has to pretend to be bigger than the other. Everybody has their imperfections, but everybody is quick to clean up their mess - if not, it may just mean, you have to work on your own self -

It translates to students and visitors when you see how once a week 2000 students go out volunteer to help in schools, clinics, elderly people homes, cleaning up parks and weeding in the bush, all with no other agenda but to intentionally show love to the city that has opened up it's arms to us. Forget the organized volunteer spots, the sheer number of people who have no money and no time, give generously to needy people in stores and give an encouraging conversation to a homeless man on the street.

Honestly, I feel like the luckiest person in the world to get to experience this. From the bottom of my heart, Thank You Jesus!

If you want more information, I'd highly encourage you to get Danny Silk's book Culture of Honor which a lot of leaders have found useful in getting an idea of the vision.

TV & Me

One of the memories I have of my dad is one time, him sitting on his chair like he did every night with one leg on the arm of the chair like the cool O.G that he was ;-) and he said to me, "Those people you're watching there have a job and careers and they are getting paid to be there. Don't waste your time watching them, instead of building those things for yourself."

I wouldn't say I was addicted, I was just a lonely kid and TV was my outlet into the world...sad, but true. Anyway, I'm almost all grown up now. I don't have parents waiting in the living room to manage my TV time. It's just me and my laptop...together...all-the-time!

I'm pretty good at recognizing God's voice in the middle of watching a TV show saying, "OK, time to hang out with Me now." Whether I say yes or no is another matter entirely. To be honest, I'm kind of sick of it.

If you're like me & don't have a TV in your house, you know, the lengths you go to to watch shows online is pretty crazy. Ads upon ads, sometimes regular ads, sometimes "What the he--?! Esc key! Esc key! Esc key!" type ads.



Then, there's the shows themselves, it just never ends, there's always going to be a funnier show next season and then they get cancelled and another show comes up and gets cancelled and your mind is filled with all these unresolved story lines. Also, I mean, we shut our minds off to it, but, you guys, it's getting so crazy these days. It's always about sex and whose having sex with who and who killed who and who's cheating on who and the steamy scenes are getting longer and longer and racier and racier. I'm not trying to "holier-than-thou" anything, but, I think it's healthy to take a step back sometimes and evaluate where you're at.

Right now, I'm not at a good spot. My life if beautifully full with great things that can sometimes feel a little overwhelming and TV is a great spot to run away to, but, it doesn't feel right for me right now. I actually wrote this post a few weeks ago, but I chickened out on posting it because of Fall Premiere week - just being real! But I've been getting a bunch of words from people I totally respect - totally unrelated to this topic, but in the back of my mind, I know God meant those conversations for this reason. I have to honor that still small voice. Stuff like one of my dads being like, "You have really beautiful eyes, the eyes of Jesus" and my mind goes to, "Jesus would probably not be using His eyes to watch..." Basically, all the information I get about sex & relationships, apart from now being here at Bethel, is from TV.

The worst thing we can do as Christians is try to add new rules and condemnation to our lives so this isn't a rule. If I wanna watch something tomorrow morning, I can totally do that freely. Jesus said in Matthew 10:17, "I lay down my life so that I may take it again. No one has taken it away from me, but I lay it down on my own initiative. I have authority to lay it down and I have authority to take it up again." Anyway, I don't know what this means for me, for sure, I'm not going to watch the intense drama I loved, but what about comedies that seem pretty decent? I guess, I'm just going to have to work it out with Holy Spirit by myself. God help me!

Jesus is 5-Fold Ministry

We went on Retreat last week and I know I didn't write about that. I just had a lot going on and, this blog is more of an overflow spot, Retreat was mostly just for me, to fill me up for me.

Anyway, from the "overflow", I thought to write this post. Chris Cruz spoke our first night there, we were in Chico, CA at the YWAM Base out there. He said something that stuck with me. He said, sometimes we listen to his stories or people known for their evangelistic passions, like Chris Overstreet or Ben Fitzgerald and we're like, "Oh great testimony, that's just them, that's who they are" We don't think about it, but what we're doing is we're subconsciously excusing our own fears or ineffectiveness by saying, it's just not our "gift".

Jesus was both evangelist and pastor. He could command the attention of thousands and turn around and minister deeply to the heart of one. He was both healer and apostle. He healed everyone He met and He knew His identity and a Son and God as Father. He was a prophet and He revealed the mysteries and secrets of God to man and spoke of what was to come.

I'm not the boldest person in the room. When I'm sitting in a theater watching Son of God next to Ben Fitzgerald and the Spirit of God is in the room, and God tells me, "Hey, Joanne, I'd like you to get up and speak about me." Everything in me will revert to, "God, not me, Ben's the evangelist." Or to bring it closer home, if I'm on the ministry team and a 1st year comes to me for prayer and God tells me what's going on, but there's a 3rd year next to me and I revert to him because my insecurity says he can pray better. Or if I'm encouraging someone and Kris Vallotton or Ben Armstrong or Dave Ward or anyone comes up behind me and I'm scared to say what God put on my heart to say a minute earlier. There's a place for honoring the point - the leader, but I can't allow myself to confuse honor with insecurity because right then I've shown God the value I have for the one line He put in my heart.

Honestly, I've been hurt in the past so I get so offended by evangelist types who are more concerned by the numbers than connecting to the heart of the one; because that's who I am, I'm more "pastoral" by nature. I just realized, evangelists have as much right to be offended by me for not standing in the boldness of the Lion living inside of me and telling the world who He is.

I always hesitate to put the epistles on the chopping block, but Jesus didn't actually make these distinctions, at least, not modeled by His own life. He was all things because He was one thing, a Son, a reflection of God. We are invited to be sons and daughters, reflections of God. I feel like our pastors are doing a great job of modeling that, or maybe God's just doing something new this season, but getting to see the pastoral side of Chris, Kris and Ben F is leading me to ask myself, where's my wild side?

I'm not there yet, so I'm preaching to myself. I can't hide behind the pulpit or whatever the mantle of my ministry looks like and act like everything else is up to everybody else. I need to hear God, it needs to be real. I need to let Him speak to me as Himself not change it to what suits me or looks best like me. Until I get that, I'm not there yet.

What does that look like? It looks like risk and not knowing what to do in the moment apart from listening to Him.

Honor & Inheritance

The message on my heart this week has been on living from inheritance. I read this quote from Andy Mason's book, God With You at Work and at first it didn't sit right with me. Our world is very "self-made millionaires" or "started from the bottom now we're here" attitude driven. This statement could offend a lot of people. But this sentence was really just highlighted to me.

Fast forward to sitting in class the next day and Kris Vallotton begins speaking about how one of the smartest tactics the devil has used has been in creating the generation gap. You see, if the younger generation are isolated from the older, they miss out on every lesson and every process the older went through to get to where they are and essentially, end up starting from rock bottom, re-inventing the wheel instead of building a new floor on their ceiling.


God didn't create us to start over after every generation, He created us to build upon inheritance. This is why laying on of hands, inheritance and impartation was such a big deal. Laying on of hands isn't just for healing, that's only instructed once in the Bible in James. James even recognized that it was the elders that were to impart healing. Elders.

It's actually a physical act to show a transfer of what one person has to another person. In Genesis 27, we see all the lengths Jacob went through to get Isaac to lay hands on him and bless him at his deathbed. Later, we see Joseph asking his dad to bless his sons before they died. The laying on of hands wasn't an exchange of property in the physical sense, but these men recognized it had a value far above material goods in the spirit. If we don't recognize value in the spirit, we end up missing out, like the king who struck the ground 3 times instead of more missed out on Elisha's mantle. (2 Kings 13)
That's a good selah right there. Just stop and think about it.  

Recognize that what is happening in the Spirit has far more value than any material goods.

If it was just about stuff, Isaac would have easily taken it back and given it to Esau, but he couldn't, essentially, he said, "what's done is done, I've already given my all to your brother, I can't take it back." It wasn't about cattle or fields, it was something deeper.

So, Kris ties it in to present day, how we hold no value for those who have gone before us and we "retire" people and call them out of date and useless and we lose out on all that they have fought for, so we end up fighting things we could have avoided.

He used the analogy of track runners. How when you run a relay, the person waiting to be handed the baton has to start moving, show the 1st runner he can get up to speed, he can't just sit there and do nothing. If we're gonna win, we have to honor the run of the person who ran before us.

So I dug this out, an old relay race that Kenya won ;-)

You see, the 2nd runner wasn't just sitting around doing nothing, he was up and rearing to go.

I got the full impact of this today in my Bible class with Mike Tesauro. Mike is my new Bible instructor. I've seen him around and heard his name a few times. So I sat in his class not really expecting anything crazy. It's just a Bible class. Theology, facts, etc. A few minutes into the lesson, Mike and his wife start off telling us their history. How they got saved, how their passion for the Word began, how it brought them together, how they've practically, radically applied the Word, how it's led them through bad times in their 33 years of marriage, their ministry and where they are now. Then he goes back to teaching the lesson plan.

My attitude pre-history and after was 180 degrees different. Now, essentially, I knew what they were building and what I could build upon. I felt it in my heart through their story, them handing me the baton, giving me access to their 2nd floor to start building my own passion for the word and the treasures it holds. Like, you could feel the shift in the room. I felt like, what took them 33 years to build, I don't have to fight that hard, for that long. Do I still have to go through process and build my own history, yes. But, it's going to be different for me. I've seen what can be done, I have their testimony, I know what I can do.

I can't put a price tag on what I'm getting from BSSM. It's hard to explain, it's hard for anyone outside of this to understand, (which is why I get the internet talk/criticism) it sounds crazy, but, what I'm getting is an inheritance from people with the deepest histories. I have access to their history. I have legal precedence to pass through the roads they forged. I've seen them live their lives and seen the impact of who they are and I get to be part of their story. How can you put a price tag on that?

Anyway, I'll end it here. Blog etiquette states that I've gone a little word-overboard, but I'm just so excited about this and I hope you catch that!

Passion Dies When...

Every week, I listen to a couple Church's podcasts and I thought it would be fun to add those here on All Things Good, because, trust me, they are good. Steven Furtick is one of my favorite preachers. Elevation is currently on a sermon series dubbed, "Meant to Be" and this is the third sermon of the series.

For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health . . . These are the vows we take when we get married - but in our current culture we don't always understand the depth of the covenant we're making. In marriage, two are supposed to become one. So why do so many couples struggle with staying together? In part 3 of our series Meant To Be, Pastor Steven explains four ways our life-long relationships are challenged - and shows us how building an anointed marriage begins with the debt-canceling grace of Jesus.

 
Main Points
Passion dies when:
1. Celebration becomes Frustration
2. "We" becomes "Me"
3. Debtors become Collectors (Matthew 18:20-29, once you have a payback mentality, it's very hard to get out of it. Maybe the guy hadn't fully accepted the grace He just received and was trying to still pay him back. If you insist on living under the system of payback, you'll always be paying back.)
4. Covenant becomes Contract

How to Enjoy Life in The In-Between

I'm great at having a vision for the outcome of things. That would be my gift - I get a picture, I can see it and that picture influences my spirit and mind and basically my life. The problem with visionaries though is since we have a picture of what God's going to do in say, 10 years, we have a hard time accepting other people's opinions because we've seen it! Also, it's easy to grow weary in the waiting, like, "argh, God, that felt so real! When is it going to happen!!!" so we end up not valuing the present or the small things.

Paul says in Hebrews 12:2 everything that Jesus put up with, He did because He had a goal set before Him - the joy of finishing in and with God. That's how we survive. It's how we wake up everyday and go to work because we have our paycheck in mind. It's how we hold our tongue and keep our love on, because we want to have good relationships. It's how we pay bills upon bills every month, because we want to have hot showers, use the internet and charge our cell phones.

It's easy to do a hard thing when you can see the great reward at the end of the tunnel. I remember once being involved in a project at work. It was after hours so of course I was picturing the over time check in the mail. At the end of the assignment though, my boss said, "great, thanks for the help!" as he packed up and left me open-mouthed gaping at his back. I was livid and frustrated and couldn't believe how hard I had worked even when nobody was watching.

The question God put on my heart, is, would I have worked any less or performed below my ability had I known the outcome? Would I still do it; live my life the way I do, if there was no earthly reward at the end of it. If the reality doesn't match my expectations and all I get is a divine pat on the back at the end of my life. Where would my heart be then?

Today's "How To" is a simple one. How do I enjoy life in the in-between, where I'm past the past, hopeful for the future, but in reality, only have a vague idea of what it looks like and all I feel like I'm doing right now is fumbling around trying to get there. How?

1. By making God the joy set before you.
Sad to say but, money lasts but a second, relationships can fade away, life is fleeting, jobs come and go, the economy is a constant ebb and flow. Even with our best intentions, decisions are made by other people everyday that make any joy we aim for in this world shifting sand.

Don't get me wrong, expect great things and chances are you will get them. The whole message of my life is to know and have people know the reality of living heaven on earth, the power of testimonies and the living, active power of God to fulfill our hopes and the dreams He's placed in our hearts.

All truth is held in tension, so as we hope and dream big extravagant dreams, we need to remember that "there's far more than meets the eye, the things we see are here today and gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever."
(2 Corinthians 4:18 MSG)

To be fully intimate with Him is the most extravagant dream of all.

BSSM Chronicles - Part 1: 1st Day of 2nd Year!

I had a couple of posts lined up for this week, but, wow, I have to write about my first day of school today.

Today was my 1st day of 2nd year.

To say I was unprepared would be an understatement. 

First if all, we had a book report due today, yes, on the 1st day. I had it written a long time ago, I was just too lazy to figure out how I was going to print it. Let me tell you, there's a lot more pressure to have your "stuff" together compared to last year. Last year, my assignment would be late and I'd be like, 'whatever I'll hand it in tomorrow, so long as the deadline hasn't passed, I'm good!'. This year, not so. This year, I'm a leader. My time should be spent pursuing leaders, growing my mind and my heart, falling in love with Jesus and all these other things that can't be done with an empty homework bin looming over my head. So there I was during our 30 minute recess speeding back home to finish editing and rushing to the print shop to sort that paper out. It felt like I was filming Mission Impossible and Tom Cruise was sitting beside me in the passenger seat. I literally had a countdown timer on in my phone. It was exhausting and I was probably better off staying at school and handing in my paper late tomorrow.

Second, I was unprepared for the depth we're expected to venture into this year. 1st year turned me inside out pretty good; I was emotionally exhausted at the end of each day. I thought this year would be different...yeah, it wasn't. Cue me, driving through In n Out for some emotional eating & getting sick an hour later because I haven't eaten a dirty burger in 4 months and it was a bit of a shock to the system.

Anyway, today wrecked me. Kris Vallotton spoke on Apostleship and the difference between denominational-ism and apostleship. Gabe talked to us about our expectations and our pastors expectations of us. Then, there was some phenomenal worship by Kristene and Matt that I was nowhere near ready for. Then there was Sarah and Dave...

Sarah spoke about the importance of falling in love with Jesus. How loving Him should be tangible, we should feel that love permeate the atmosphere. She used the example of John G Lake healing a woman simply from feeling God's love for us and for this woman in that moment and he gave the woman a hug and she was healed. Then she played us a video with this guy leading some mind blowingly beautiful worship and pouring out His love to God and some BEAUTIFUL stuff happening in the process, that video changed my life.

Dave, spoke and God spoke through him. Of the many brilliant things he said, he said we need to stop fighting our weaknesses and rest in them because in our weaknesses Christ is made strong. He proposed that the devil might then be afraid of our weaknesses more than we were because he knows the potential for strength that they have. I like Dave because he's real, he said he knew his teaching isn't easy to apply - sitting in our weakness? I mean, naturally when we're covered in slime all we want to do is wash it off, but he said that in all our trying, we forget the main thing which is rest in God. We try and try and follow 10 step program after another and always end up in the same spot and these are the moments the enemy loves: when we're distracted and beating ourselves up because then we're as ineffective as we will ever be and cut off from the life renewing power of God. What happens though, when we decide to keep our focus on God rain or shine? He called for a vulnerability in the place of our shame. For us to break the walls of hiding & self preservation down and to be raw and honest.

I'm extremely privileged to be in Dave's group this year. All of our pastors are amazing - wise, kind, generous, affectionate, insightful - I'm excited to simply be in the same room as them. At the same time, I have to say it's scary. It's scary trying to figure out what pursuit looks like, what coming under fatherhood looks like, what not hiding behind a smile and a laugh and being raw looks like, what opening up and being known and seen looks like, what servant hood looks like, what I as a leader will look like, how to grab this year for all it's worth and not miss a thing? I want more than anything to soak it all in, be intentional about growing and becoming and being uncomfortable and being able to sit in uncomfortable situations and be fine with it, still I.am.scared.

It's different though, because even in my disheveled state at the end of the day, I know I need my Spirit to be triumphant as I go to bed, because this year I can be confident in what He's done. I don't need 2 days of solemnity to make myself believe it. Hence, this late night post, trying to rev up my Spirit to be triumphant (apart from the junk food hangover). I can go on; compared to last year when I'd carry the emotional and spiritual load for days. 

I don't want to speak too soon though!

That's it, day 1.

How to Fight Fair

The world is unprincipled. It's a dog eat dog out there! The world doesn't fight fair. But we don't live or fight our battles that way - never have and never will. The tools of our trade aren't for marketing or manipulation, but they are for demolishing that massively corrupt culture. We use our powerful God tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected around the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ. Our tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction and building lives of obedience into maturity.

2 Corinthians 10:3-6 (The Message)

Kris Vallotton said something really funny on his Facebook page this week. He was talking about how he always believed that the people who didn't like him didn't like him because they simply didn't understand him. This week though, he came to the realization that some people do understand him, they just can't stand him.

I guess we all come to that point growing up. The point where we realize that God loves us, we love ourselves, we are worthy of love and some people love us, but not everyone will like us. Not everyone who used to love us will end up liking us, for example, that childhood BFF you used to have until you quickly found out forever meant your first year of college (o-0)

I read a lot of books. One book that really put into words what I believe about connection, communication and boundaries is Danny Silk's Keep Your Love On*. We all have to pick our own core values and life rarely allows us to disagree with someone we hold the same core values with, so how do we handle it?

1. Have a Big Yes
As you should know by now, this is my go to advice to any problem. Have a big yes in your heart because a strong yes is your best no. I can't be in 2 places at the same time. In saying yes to my desire to maintain a healthy connection, or at worst to break the connection in the least hurtful way, I'm saying no to my desire to prove I'm right and they are wrong.

2. Stick To Your Core Values
Just because someone else (it's always someone else ;-) ) doesn't fight fair doesn't mean we should follow suit. The moment you step out of your values is the moment you lose credibility in front of yourself and the other person. Honor and value. "we don't live or fight our battles that way - never have and never will"

3. Always Remain Humble and Peaceable
The tools you derive from your values should not make you feel superior or better than another person. It's not about being right and the other person being wrong. We never grow that way. It's not about you being a doormat either and letting people walk all over you. Aim to take what you can use for growth and run with it while at the same time, not letting the other person rob you of your joy or (God-given) identity.

The goal is restoring the relationship and rebuilding trust, not making the other person believe what you believe about the situation, about who (you think) they are or about you. "The tools of our trade aren't for marketing or manipulation"

Hope this helps!


*You can find Danny's book at the Bethel Store, Barnes and Noble or on Amazon

Endless Ocean by Jonathan David Helser

In the beginning

You were singing

In the end you will still be

Singing over me

In this moment

You're right beside me

Everywhere you're in the air that I breathe

You are an endless ocean, bottom less sea

You are an endless ocean, bottom less sea

In my sin

You kept loving

Theres no end to your forgiveness and mercy

Every morning 

You keep coming

The waves of your affection

They keep washing over me

You are an endless ocean, bottom less sea

You are an endless ocean, bottom less sea

Al those angels

They are swimming in this ocean and they still can find no shore

Day and night night and day they keep seeing new sides of your face

You are an endless ocean, bottom less sea

You are an endless ocean, bottom less sea 

Oooh, ooh, oooh, oooh

There's no end to the affection you have for me

There's no end to the affection you have for me

Bible Studies With Joan :: Repentance

Forgiveness is there, because that’s just who God is. Jesus says in Luke 17:4 if you’re brother sins against you seven times in a day and seven times comes to you and says, “I repent” you must forgive him. That’s just who God is, He is merciful and he desires for nobody to perish (2 Peter 3:9). But repentance has to come quick, Esau missed his chance of repentance, (Hebrews 12:17).

God’s kindness leads to repentance (Romans 2:4) and He is the one who grants repentance, (2 Timothy 2:25). 

Repentance isn’t feeling guilty or sad, a worldly repentance is sadness and brings about death. God leads us to repentance which is not depression or regret. (2 Corinthians 7:10) Regret is self-focused, “I wish I hadn’t done that, I feel so stupid”… Repentance is God seeking, “I can’t believe I did that despite the love you’ve shown me. I will never go back for the sake of your love.”

Seeing God leads to repentance, Isaiah 6 where he says, “Doom! Doomsday!” or Job 42:5-6 where Job says, ​​​​​​​I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, ​​​​​​but now my eye has seen you. T​​therefore I despise myself, ​​​​​​and I repent in dust and ashes!

​​​​​​​Psalm 4:2-5 You men, how long will you try to turn my honor into shame? ​​​​​​How long will you love what is worthless ​​​​​​and search for what is deceptive? ​​​​​​​Realize that the LORD shows the godly special favor; ​​​​​​the LORD responds when I cry out to him. ​​​​​​​Tremble with fear and do not sin! ​​​​​​Meditate as you lie in bed, and repent of your ways! ​​​​​Offer the prescribed sacrifices ​​​​​​and trust in the LORD!

Isaiah 30:18 says the LORD is ready to show you mercy; ​​​​​​he sits on his throne, ready to have compassion on you. ​​​​​​Indeed, the LORD is a just God; ​​​​​​all who wait for him in faith will be blessed

Matthew 3:8 and Luke 3:8 both say we should produce fruit that proves our repentance. The fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness & self control. (Galatians 5:22)

1 Kings 8:47-54 

When your people come to their senses in the land where they are held prisoner, they will repent and beg for your mercy in the land of their imprisonment, admitting, ‘We have sinned and gone astray; we have done evil.’

When they return to you with all their heart and being in the land where they are held prisoner, and direct their prayers to you toward the land you gave to their ancestors, your chosen city, and the temple I built for your honor, then listen from your heavenly dwelling place to their prayers for help and vindicate them.

Forgive all the rebellious acts of your sinful people and cause their captors to have mercy on them.

After all, they are your people and your special possession that you brought out of Egypt, from the middle of the iron-smelting furnace.

“May you be attentive to your servant’s and your people Israel’s requests for help and may you respond to all their prayers to you.

After all, you picked them out of all the nations of the earth to be your special possession, just as you, O sovereign LORD, announced through your servant Moses when you brought our ancestors out of Egypt.”

When Solomon finished presenting all these prayers and requests to the LORD, he got up from before the altar of the LORD where he had kneeled and spread out his hands toward the sky.

2 Kings 23 is another story of repentance, the Old Testament Kings are some of the best repent-ers out there. 

Here’s a group of people who had everything, and it got to their heads. Here’s a group of people who had the worlds expectations on their shoulders and some of them crumbled under pressure. Here’s a group of people who had a rich legacy, and they couldn’t keep it up. Here’s a group of people who had the biggest of father wounds and they had to live with consequences of choices they had no control over.

Here’s King Josiah, 

First, he reads aloud the word of God

Second, he makes a covenant in front of accountability partners, not alone in a dark room, he does this in public

Third, he did some radical amputation and destroyed all the idols and pagan priests

Fourth, he reintroduced Passover, looking back at what the Lord had done, honoring the Passover lamb i.e. looking to Jesus for salvation

Fifth, 2 Kings 23:25 - No king before or after repented before the LORD as he did, with his whole heart, soul, and being in accordance with the whole law of Moses.

A Prayer of Repentance – Psalm 51

​​​​​​​(Written when Nathan the prophet confronted him after David’s affair with Bathsheba) 

​​​​​​Have mercy on me, O God, because of your loyal love! ​​​​​​Because of your great compassion, wipe away my rebellious acts! ​​​​​​​Wash away my wrongdoing! ​​​​​​Cleanse me of my sin! ​​​​​​​For I am aware of my rebellious acts; ​​​​​​I am forever conscious of my sin.

​​​​​​​Against you – you above all – I have sinned; ​​​​​​I have done what is evil in your sight. ​​​​​​So you are just when you confront me; ​​​​​​you are right when you condemn me.

​​​​​​​Look, I was guilty of sin from birth, ​​​​​​a sinner the moment my mother conceived me. ​​​​​Look, you desire integrity in the inner man; ​​​​​​you want me to possess wisdom. ​​​​​​​Sprinkle me with water and I will be pure; ​​​​​​wash me and I will be whiter than snow.

​​​​​​​Grant me the ultimate joy of being forgiven! ​​​​​​May the bones you crushed rejoice! ​​​​​​Hide your face from my sins! ​​​​​​Wipe away all my guilt! ​​​​​​​Create for me a pure heart, O God! ​​​​​​Renew a resolute spirit within me! ​​​​​​​Do not reject me! ​​​​​​Do not take your Holy Spirit away from me! ​​​​​​​Let me again experience the joy of your deliverance! ​​​​​​Sustain me by giving me the desire to obey! ​​​​​​​Then I will teach rebels your merciful ways, ​​​​​​and sinners will turn to you. ​​​​​​Rescue me from the guilt of murder, O God, the God who delivers me! ​​​​​​Then my tongue will shout for joy because of your deliverance.

​​​​​​​O Lord, give me the words! ​​​​​​Then my mouth will praise you. ​​​​​​​Certainly you do not want a sacrifice, or else I would offer it; ​​​​​​you do not desire a burnt sacrifice. ​​​​​​​The sacrifices God desires are a humble spirit – ​​​​​​O God, a humble and repentant heart you will not reject. ​​​​​​​Because you favor Zion, do what is good for her! ​​​​​​Fortify the walls of Jerusalem!

​​​​​​​Then you will accept the proper sacrifices, burnt sacrifices and whole offerings; ​​​​​​then bulls will be sacrificed on your altar.

Jeremiah 31:15-22

The LORD says, ​​​​​​“A sound is heard in Ramah, ​​​​​​a sound of crying in bitter grief. ​​​​​​It is the sound of Rachel weeping for her children ​​​​​​and refusing to be comforted, because her children are gone.” ​​​​​​​The LORD says to her, ​​​​​​“Stop crying! Do not shed any more tears! ​​​​​​For your heartfelt repentance will be rewarded. ​​​​​​Your children will return from the land of the enemy. ​​​​​​I, the LORD, affirm it!

​​​​​​​Indeed, there is hope for your posterity. ​​​​​​Your children will return to their own territory. ​​​​​​I, the LORD, affirm it! ​​​​​​I have indeed heard the people of Israel say mournfully, ​​​​​​‘We were like a calf untrained to the yoke. ​​​​​​You disciplined us and we learned from it. ​​​​​​Let us come back to you and we will do so, ​​​​​​for you are the LORD our God. ​​​​​​​For after we turned away from you we repented. ​​​​​​After we came to our senses we beat our breasts in sorrow. ​​​​​​We are ashamed and humiliated ​​​​​​because of the disgraceful things we did previously.’

​​​​​​​Indeed, the people of Israel are my dear children. ​​​​​​They are the children I take delight in. ​​​​​​For even though I must often rebuke them, ​​​​​​I still remember them with fondness. ​​​​​​So I am deeply moved with pity for them ​​​​​​and will surely have compassion on them. ​​​​​​I, the LORD, affirm it!

​​​​​​​I will say, ‘My dear children of Israel, keep in mind ​​​​​​the road you took when you were carried off. ​​​​​​Mark off in your minds the landmarks. ​​​​​​Make a mental note of telltale signs marking the way back. ​​​​​​Return, my dear children of Israel. ​​​​​​Return to these cities of yours.

​​​​​​​How long will you vacillate, ​​​​​​you who were once like an unfaithful daughter? ​​​​​​For I, the LORD, promise to bring about something new on the earth, ​​​​​​something as unique as a woman protecting a man!’”

​​​​​​​

Hosea 14:2, 4 Return to the LORD and repent! ​​​​​​Say to him: “Completely forgive our iniquity; ​​​​​​accept our penitential prayer, ​​​​​​that we may offer the praise of our lips as sacrificial bulls…..​​​​​​​“I will heal their waywardness ​​​​​​and love them freely, ​​​​​​for my anger will turn away from them.

Grieving

These next couple of weeks are emotional. On one hand I'm excited to see my family, to eat my mom's pancakes, to spend time with my sister and trade stories, to get my hair done and on the road to recovery. At the same time I'm terrified. I have no idea what the future holds. I feel like I'm not done with Redding, my heart belongs here, but a part of me feels like I'm being ripped away prematurely. I'm not done yet, the things God showed me and others, they haven't happened yet. All my dreams haven't come to be yet. Still, here I am counting the days. I'm excited to go home, but terrified at the same time.

Home holds a lot of memories for me, the majority of which haven't been pleasant to say the least. God literally rescued me from a destructive cycle when He brought me here. I was searching for meaning and searching for love and kept thinking I had found it, only I was absolutely wrong and it was the same vicious cycle, over and over again. Not just looking for love, but career-wise, I was stuck in the wrong job with an abusive boss, and this was what the rest of my life looked like. Floating from one relationship to another, from one job to another looking for meaning.

My biggest fear is being caught up in all of that again. I. Just. Can't.

I've found my reason for being in this place. Has it been perfect? Absolutely not. But I woke up each morning and I did it and for the first time in my life, I felt ALIVE.

So saying goodbye...it's a process. I'm grieving. I know this because, tonight I miss my dad. When you lose someone, the wind gets knocked out of you. The way you breathe, the way your heart beats is changed forever. At least that's what happened for me. I literally feel a weight on my chest, I miss my dad so bad I can't breathe. I know this isn't about my dad though. I'm just grieving. I'm saying goodbye.

I miss Bethel. I miss Redding, I miss California so bad I can't breathe. I miss the promise it holds and the life I've lived. I miss all the dreams I had that haven't come true yet. I miss it with every ounce of my being. I'm excited to go home. It's my home. I have hope for my city. I love my culture. I love Nairobi. But, this place has my heart, this is Home and leaving it, well, it takes the wind out of me, and my breath will never be the same.

God, I hope I come back.

Italy Mission Trip Day 3 - Saturday

This morning, we had a bit of a team debrief at the Convento. This is the point I was praising the Lord saying, "what life is this I'm living, where I wake up in the morning and find out I'm going to Switzerland!" God is so Good!!! So we were split up into teams. Team 1 left for Varese & Switzerland, (with me) and Team 2 left for Asti.

We arrived at New Vision Varese Church and I have never been welcomed so warmly in my life. I wasn't as nervous as I thought I would be. I wasn't even thinking about how I would hande the language barrier, but somehow it all worked out. So we met our hosts and we had lunch with them. Boy, was that  spread!!!

So we were just chilling at the Church with the community and with a couple of the worship team members. It was raining but they decided to take us out to explore the city. They took us to what is apparently the best gelato in the world! The place was called Romano. I got a lemon gelato. It was really good.

 After some walking, we were heading to Switzerland. I was in the car with 2 Americans, a Canadian and an Italian. The border patrol officer asked us where we were from and our leader said, "Redding", the officer said, "Ah, I know Redding." I found that to be pretty cool :-)

New Vision in Mendrisio, Switzerland was beautiful. It was in a hotel conference room, there was artwork on the walls. I loved it.

Finally, some ministry updates! We prayed and got ready to minister. It was awesome to hear the hearts of some of my team members. We soaked for a bit & headed out. I felt incredibly comfortable & was saying hello to strangers.

We were activated in prophetic art & asked to draw some pictures to give out. When we were introduced, I got to share my picture which was a bad report cancelled out, with a big heart over it and a good report on the other side with streamers and balloons. I explained the word as someone had gotten a bad report at work and God was saying He has His eye over the situation and He's writing a new report so I asked if anyone there was facing that situation and 2 people raised their hands, but sadly only had 1 picture. (Looking back, I should have prayed for both of them and not just released the word of knowledge I got)

We also got to activate the kids there in prophetic art. It was amazing, those kids just grabbed the mics, no nerves at all and interpreted their pictures.

At the end of the night, we had ministry time. I paired up with Alissa, a 3rd year student, who is an amazing prophetic voice!

One woman came up who wanted us to pray for her son & a possibly bad relationship & a lot of other family relationships. I felt it really strongly I needed to love & appreciate her as a mom. Alissa went first & said she came here for her son, but God brought her here for herself. God wanted to honor and love her. Alissa called out all the gold in her and she was in tears. Then I took over and told her God honors and loves mothers. As a prophetic act, I knelt and rubbed her feet and told her to imagine me washing her feet as a sign of honor. She was wrecked.

A man came up who had diabetes and we prayed for him, he had no way of testing it out. His other request was to be a plane of the Holy Spirit. I pulled a Chuck Perry and asked him if he liked wine...lol, I don't know what I was thinking...anyway, he said yes. I told him the Holy Spirit is like wine. You can either pour yourself a little shot glass or you can pour a whole barrel. Then I asked him to imagine himself drinking out of a barrel. I don't know how well that translated, lol. I was getting a little joy-filled myself and he started laughing and we told him, he doesn't have to do anything or try hard, he just has to be himself.

A couple came up next and the girl was proper crying and I was a little freaked out, like, what's going on here? She told us basically that they were so in love and they just wanted to serve God and needed wisdom. I LOVED THAT! That was my favorite. Lord, lead us to a place where love & how to best serve you is our greatest problem! We just encouraged them that they already knew the answers and that they needed to communicate & share their hearts with each other , and we got to minister over them.

A girl came up next 7 before she told us anything, I could tell she was full of compassion & would lead people out of that. She wanted God to make her taller. We prayed, by this point I was expecting to open my eyes and see a 6 ft tall girl, but she didn't grow. Instead we called out who she was and showed her how much influence she had already and how she should be confident in God using her whether shes this height or that.

These are just a couple of the amazing things that happened in Switzerland, hopefully, I'll put some more stories up soon.

Next the New Vision Senior Pastor took us out for dinner. Pizza!

The chef posed for my camera :-)

The saddest fish I've ever seen

Calzones the size of your head!

The dessert waiter was hilarious! (I had Tiramisu btw)

At the end of the night, which was around 1a.m, we were taken to our host home. One of the other girls and me don't like cats, well, actually she has allergies, so the 2 of us went to Mirrella's house. The other 4 girls went to one of the worship leader girls house and slept out in a RV truck, fun times...but I loved my warm beautiful bedroom with the most wonderful, kindest woman ever - Mirrella. The boys got it pretty good too and slept in a fancy loft with a view. Anyway, all this to say, we were pretty spoiled with their hospitality. This church was amazing.

We set our alarms for 10:00 am.