Rumors and Angry Letters

As I told you in my last post, I was dealing with a bit of a situation and it ended up being worse than I thought. I was ready to face some embarrassing story coming out but I felt absolutely destroyed because every single thing was a lie. I could stand people being told the truth about me but the lies were just over the top and I felt really bad, I couldn't even blog last night because my spirit had been totally crushed. But you can rest easy. I actually saw the girl who started the rumors and my first instinct was to slap her because she had the audacity to come and hug me like a long lost friend, but I didn't, I tried my best to be civil and luckily I have a friend who took me out of school and out to lunch which gave me a chance to calm down a bit. He told me, he knows that there's no way I could be capable of that stuff and I realized that's true, as long as the people who know me and know what I'm about know what can be true and not true about me, then no one else matters.

I realized I'm too old and I've come too far and I've tried so hard to be nice to everyone and to erase all the negative stuff I did with positive stuff and those girls won't destroy me unless I let them. Plus, they really aren't the people to blame. I realized the stories must have come from the guy who started all this.

I held on to that fact and to that strength when I saw her again after lunch where this time she asked me something and I felt my hand just curling up to slap her hahahhahaha, but I didn't PRAISE GOD! Hahaha!

But, when I got home, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. Like, I was so angry that, that guy could stay stuff like that. I'm all about defending yourself to your girlfriend but using me as a scape goat and making up blatant lies about me, I mean come on!!! Then I started feeling it come in (insert suspense music.....dun dun di dun)......

......helplessness. The fact that I couldn't defend myself, the fact that there's nothing I could do and these lies were out there, the fact that I'm a Christian and as such had to learn to forgive, the fact that I just had to swallow my anger and hurt.

I went through enough counselling and therapy to know that one of the 8 major causes of depression is Learned Helplessness: the sense of being trapped and unable to remedy an intolerable situation. Sure enough, I started going through regular old habits, not wanting to eat, not wanting to get out of bed, but then it hit me....

What the............WHAT AM I DOING!!??

Didn't Jesus confront the Pharisees and critics when they were thinking evil things about him? Didn't God confront all the enemies of His chosen people? Who defined Christianity as being a doormat? Is going back down the road of depression and depressing thoughts what's going to be glorifying to God? Should I really lose trust in ALL men just because of what a few of them did to me? Should I really close my heart off to love and friendship just because some people wronged me in the past? Should I really feel this bad and let other people control my life with their words and actions? Is that what would be glorifying to God? Is that how I let all the strides I've made and all the growth I've achieved in the last few weeks end?

HECK NO!!!!

So, I decided to do something about it. I'm not going to blame the girl. Her pride was wounded and if spreading this story works to give her an ego boost then go for it, and the people who know me wouldn't believe her anyway. But this guy who started this, who used me as his escape hatch and planted me as the villain, I wrote to him. Basically, telling him that I know all the stuff he said, and then a few choice words which I honestly I had to write and if you were in my shoes you would've too, but not anything too bad, just the stuff you've always thought but you never say out loud not to offend anyone, but after that I told him I forgave him. I actually wrote all this on Facebook, then I blocked him, so he may or may not even get or read the message, but the point of it wasn't that he reads it. I didn't do it for him, I did it for me.

Forgave him? Yeah, well forgiveness isn't a feeling at least not at first, it's a choice. I choose to no longer let bitterness weed out the best parts of my heart, i.e. the love and the joy and whatever other fruit that's growing in there.
"I make the choice, God grants the feeling".....Raha at 20th Paradigm :-)

So, hopefully, that is the end of all stupid, crazy, childish drama in my life, and I'm glad it happened because now it's over and I feel amazing. My mood's picked up and I'm out of bed. Luckily, no class today, just a bit of work then I'll catch up with some reading and relaxation.