The Dam Finally Broke

I mentioned a couple of days ago that I've been feeling kinda low and I finally realized a couple of the reasons why yesterday.

First of all, I'd spent the whole week watching dvd's, and I realized that's what I used to in one of my last relationships. This guy used to make me feel really weird and insecure, I can't even describe it because yes we had great times but most of the time, I was so scared of him cheating on me, or something like that because he was just not the type of guy you'd trust and he just hurt me a lot and at the time I was going through my own stuff so to not think about it I'd spend all my time watching dvd's in bed depressed.I'd even sleep with the TV or laptop on so I had literally NO time to think about my stuff, as a coping mechanism kinda.

So, even though I'm not depressed now, because I'd trained my mind to thinking like that it sort of brought me back to that. I know it sounds over psych-analyzed, but I cut out my TV hours and now I feel a lot better. So, in that, I'm right.

Another reason why I've been down is just that the stuff that I did in the past, is all kinda coming back to haunt me. Just the memories and the guilt and sometimes it's so much that I can hardly breathe. So, last night, I switched off my computer and went to bed...in the silence...and I prayed for the first time in days...and before I could say anything, I found myself sobbing. It all just came out. So, I was like God, I miss my dad, I don't know why you had to take him away and didn't give us a second chance when you've given second chances to so many other people, then I went into how much I don't even recognize the person I was and how much I regret everything, then I went into all the "What If's?" then I went into the I don't know if you could ever forgive me, then I went into the I need your help and that's where I decided to sleep.

There wasn't a big blanket of peace, and today all my problems and all the hurts are still just beneath the surface, but, I'm glad I talked about it, I mean, I'm glad I prayed about it. I feel like I don't have to carry it all alone, you know?

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