On Absence and Loving Love...{or not}

I'm sorry I've been a little sketchy on these here parts, I have a couple of stuff going on and that I have to deal with, but I do have a few posts scheduled...we have the Worship posts on Sundays and a few more post  left in the How To Tuesdays series, so you'll still see me pop up here and there.

After next week, I'll be sure to explain everything in greater detail :-)

For now, I've been thinking about love. I've been out of the dating game for a looong time. Like I haven't had a boyfriend for, wow almost more than 3 years a long time now. My entire life I've had 1 serious boyfriend and well, we all know how that ended. I've dated here and there but nothing serious or official. I've always thought that I'm fine with it, at this point in my life, I don't want to date at all and I thought it was because I was taking time out and focusing on myself and all that. To be honest I'm more happy now single than I was going out with all these randoms. My life for the most part is pretty fab. I've finally adopted that Christian mindset my mom has always wanted me to have, of "Isn't dating kinda useless if I'm not ready for marriage? Where am I supposed to take all that passion?"

A couple of days ago though, I saw this post on social media from a girl gushing about her new found romance and I just smirked and rolled my eyes a little bit and I was shocked at myself a little bit because I'm usually the "Yay! Go you!" type. So I realized, "Wow, I might actually have issues with this dating stuff and that's why I'm avoiding it!" 

It wasn't so much a jealousy issue, it was a "no trust issue." Meaning, a part of me doesn't trust men at all. I mean, my past has been in the words of Penny Hart "roof stoof".{rough stuff}

Source: timewastersonline.tumblr.com via Jenn on Pinterest

In fact it's great that I've used Penny as an example because like her, I've gone in time and time again with the best of intentions and come out crushed on the other side and well, getting ready to do that again doesn't exactly feel like a great venture.

I know what you're thinking, what's the Christian thing to do here? I know my heart shouldn't be jaded, and it's not, God gave me a brand new heart and I'm not heartbroken AT ALL, I'm just scared out of my mind when the thought of falling in love or not falling in love pops into my head. In my mind, I'd be married right now. That was my life plan forever to be married by 24, the year I get out of college. I'm about to turn 23 in a couple of weeks, so obviously, that hasn't worked out.

I just don't know if I'm ready to do it. Put my brand new expensive heart out there for anyone to crush it. I've been through it and lemme just say it right now, those first few weeks of ecstasy are absolutely not worth the end result. Everybody around me is raising a baby, married, engaged, co-habitating, seriously dating or wanting to start dating. I.just.can't. Sometimes it works out, case in point my bestie and her boyfriend of 5 years, sometimes it doesn't case in point...do I need to finish that?

I don't know if this means I'm carrying baggage into a relationship because well, I'm not looking for one. I wouldn't even call it baggage, I call it self-preservation. This heart was bought at a price, His blood, and I know how much it took for God to get me to a place where I could love again at all, so putting His healing on the line for a couple of weeks of excitement...?

There are so many cons to giving your heart away. Too many.

The end.

For once I'm not going to try and explain this away or find the silver lining or the inspirational quote to push me out of this. Right now in my life, my heart and mind are just sitting here.

xx
Jo

Writing Experiment

I've been reading a couple of new blogs that have completely changed my mindset on writing. I write mostly to summarize the activities of the day and so do these guys but I guess they come at it from a different place, more of descriptive rather than narrative language, such that you feel like you were going through the emotions and the course of the day with them. I'm loving it. So, I thought I'd try it out. I wrote this a while ago after going through a particularly bad day, what better way to start this experiment right?

Here goes;

Driving down the same dead-end route hoping to get to a different destination is an obvious exercise in futility and sadly, over the years, it’s become the foundation of my identity.

The spacious way and the wide gate is where I find myself walking, each time thinking I learnt my lesson, I’m stronger now and I’m ready for whatever comes. Boldly telling the enemy, “You want a piece of this, come and get it.” He does and he wins the battle. 

In the midst of the fight, I think of Him. Him who owns every piece of me, Him whose face I turn away from, Him whose open arms I ignore. I hide my face in shame; I dig deep into the darkness to find cover from the light that always breaks through. I can’t stand the brightness that hurts my eyes every time as they struggle to adjust. If only I’d stayed in the light in the first place, then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much. 

Finally, I dig deep enough and the darkness swallows me. I desperately need the light, I long for it, I crave it, but I can’t move. Not again. I can’t keep doing this. I don’t deserve freedom. I don’t deserve warmth. I definitely don’t deserve those hands always reaching out to me.

The choice has to be made. The door has to be closed. The foothold has to be sawed out. He’ll wash my dusty feet, but isn’t it time to get some shoes? I can come out guns a-blazing as much as I want, but I have to understand when it’s time to retreat. When it’s time to wave the white flag, turn around, get back on the ship and sail away. To realize that the war has already been won and my battles are self-sought, self-propagated and self-lost.

Maybe the crux of the matter is that I look for life everywhere else but from Him who gives it in abundance.

Maybe I haven’t fully believed that the narrow path does lead to life. Maybe it’s time I did. Maybe it’s time I realized no one compares to Him. That He’s the only one who can satisfy me. That my plan is nothing compared to His. That He really truly has me and I can’t close my eyes and pretend He doesn’t and that my actions don’t break His heart.

So I say with the same boldness I had before,

“I quit, you can have this, I don’t want it anymore.

If you want a fight you’ll have to wrestle on your own

Because this isn’t my battle,

My war’s already been won.”

xx

Jo

It’s Okay

I jokingly told my mom how January feels like Monday morning when the alarm rings and you can’t imagine it being the weekend again. I was a little worried with all the demands that would come with this month, figuring out the whole year. Can someone maybe write a self-help book on that?

I’ve spent the last week at my sister’s house babysitting my 2 y/o nephew since my sister was in the hospital delivering my new niece. So the whole week has been changing poopy diapers, running to the potty barely in time to avoid any “wee-wee” incidents, singing the Jake and the Neverland pirates and Spongebob theme songs, trying to make cleaning look fun so the kid would join me when I had to get stuff in order-dishes, floors, tickle fights, cuddles, dancing on the floor and so on and so on. Motherhood is tough; you have to be on 24/7. Everybody dreams of being able to be a stay-at-home mom, but after this week…ummm…:-/

Today’s Saturday and my sister just got back from the hospital, and I’m in the bedroom in a crying mess and blogging. Man, I’m just so emotional. I don’t know if it’s the new baby finally getting home and it hitting me that my nephew isn’t the baby anymore or just relieved that these months have ended so successfully, or what.

Then there’s just all this other stuff going on where, I wanna be the best at everything I do. I want to be the best daughter and save my mom money by finding cheap deals for my tuition/fees. I want to be the best sister and the best aunt to my nephew. I want to be the best girlfriend (whenever God decides to bless this single girl with a good boyfriend), I want to be the best worship leader, I want to be the best friend, I want to be the best Christian, and I want to be the best girl. WTH?! Who can live up to all of that? Yet, when I fail at one of them, I get stressed and emotionally charged.

You know how Oprah and these self-help gurus keep saying, “center yourself”, “find your own space and focus on your mantra”, or, “take time off and recharge” or other such rhetoric, I NEED TO KEEP REMINDING MYSELF OF THE SAME THING! 

Hopefully yelling at myself like this will work?

Xx

Jo

My School

This is my last official semester. I guess I’m getting nostalgic, and lazy too because dragging my butt to class is a huge challenge for me right now! (Mom if you’re reading this, I always go to class, I’ve never skipped!)

Anyway, I often say transferring to City Campus was the best choice I’ve ever made. I’ve talked before about how going to my particular school wasn’t exactly my choice, as in I’d already gone for orientation at the school I wanted to go to and all f a sudden, my family’s like, “don’t go here go there”. I’m responsible for choosing to be influenced - this isn’t a blame post!

Anyway, I hated, HATED, my old campus. It was HUGE and the walk from the gate to class was like 20 minutes. My class had like 200, maybe more people so the scrum-down that happened when people practically stampeded over each other to find a good seat was ridiculous. It was a 2 hour trip from my house. The buses/mats to that place were mostly old, rusty, smelly and badly driven at least at the stage where I used to go to. Well, you get the idea, I didn’t have a lot of love for the place.

I got used to it a little by 2^nd year, plus I got to move out to a great little apartment which I loved and it made life a LOT easier.

Beginning this year though, I got the chance to transfer to a new Campus. This is in the city center, a great building, and fewer students, like 1 15-50 max class size, better or at least closer administration, 30 minutes from home, great class schedule…

The quality of my life changed drastically, I’m a hundred times happier here. I’m so grateful to God for that, and grateful I can finally say, “I love my school!”

xo

Jo

Mizizi Week 3

I wore the maxi skirt again a couple of weeks ago, and teamed it with this top I’ve had since I was like 14. My mom buys really great stuff, she has an eye for quality and I’m really appreciating that because a lot of the stuff she and I wore in the past are making their rounds back into acceptable fashion. The silver ring, I got for my 21^st birthday.

Mizizi this week was insane! I’ve talked before about how I wanted to maybe go into Pastoral Leadership as a career, so a couple of months ago I decided to get a head start and start serving in Church. So I joined Worship Tea, (yayy!) and I signed up to teach/understudy a beginners course at my Church called Mizizi.

Yesterday it hit me that it isn’t about going and working. Serving is a major Spiritual burst! What I mean is, it pulls so much out of you, you’re constantly expected to grow and change and move out of your comfort zone. Last night I just felt the weight of it. I was just drained. Putting myself out there, sharing my heart with a group of practical strangers, having them share their heart, just the weight of all that.

Then there’s the feeling of, “God, they are so close! Please let them encounter you, please let them encounter you, please don’t let them leave here discouraged and not knowing all that you have to offer”

Then with Worship Team, again a bunch of practical strangers, trying to fit in, having to go all the way across town for fellowship and again, investing relationally and pushing myself out of my shell. Then these thoughts come in, “Why are you doing this? This isn’t a requirement! You’re getting tired for nothing! How safe is it to walk around town at night when you could be at home?”

The fact that I feel like this is an encouragement to me. Christian life isn’t about having this cushy, comfortable, status-quo existence, its active and action packed. Otherwise, stagnate and die. About the stress, I was watching Francis Chan and he said something along the lines of, “Mizizi/Worship Team, this isn’t my party that I’m inviting God to, this is His party that He lets me be a part of. I’m not the one on whose shoulders lie the responsibility of encounter, God is.”

I have to let God come and do what He does, that is, love in His people.

My only job description is to seek God, and put myself in a place where He can fill me up, so that I can pour into others. I have to rely on Him more than ever now because in my passive-church-once-a-week life, I’ve never been in this space where I’m technically “leaking”.

It’s also great because when I start dating and when I get a family, I’m gonna be “leaking” all over that too, so getting into the practice of getting filled up by God so I can pour onto others is a POSITIVE thing.

xo

Jo

We Interrupt Scheduled Posting to Bring You...

...the worst week in history!

I've tweeted a whole bunch about the past two days being a royal suckfest...

Tuesday Night:

Jus overwhelmed wth this absolutely horrible day! It started out great and all went downhill from there...;-(
— Joanne Furaha (@Joannefuraha) October 16, 2012

Wednesday Morning:

Scared to get out of bed n face this day, cant take anymore disapointment n stress, jus keep reminding myself (cont) tl.gd/jm1bj7
— Joanne Furaha (@Joannefuraha) October 17, 2012

Wednesday Afternoon: Wherein I was crying in a bathroom stall in City Campus

And the suckfest continues.....
— Joanne Furaha (@Joannefuraha) October 17, 2012

The worst of it, or the most confusing of it was that that Tuesday, we normally fast as a Mizizi class all day. Speaking of which I even missed my Mizizi class!!! I woke up with crazy syk, totally pumped up, spent like an hour and a half just praying, reading the Bible, worshipping, then I step out of the door and BAM! It all came crashing down...I got caught in a lie with a friend, I had issues registering with school, had to schlep across the city for a class at another campus, the matatu (bus) conductor guy told me he was going to one bus stop (B.S) and he stops the bus at another bus stop 15 minutes away from where I needed to be (OTC) so I had to walk in the hot midday sun, more issues with registration, police through tear gas at some demonstrators so I'm sneezing and coughing through town. Yeah.

Today, woke up for class to the other campus away from the city. Managed to get some notes so I'm like, wow, ok maybe today won't be so bad. Get back to the city, and BAM! Registration issues again, it turns out, I'm not allowed to go to classes at 2 campuses at the same time...ummm....should have told me that before I started attending classes don't you think?! Anyway, I'm just beyond pissed off and just sad. Actually I'm not sad anymore, I'm over it. My mom who should be sad, cause well, she pays the fees, is like, "Get over it! Take life as it comes" and you know what, I will.

Anyway, just thought I'd write this all down so that I can remember I went through this and came out OK in the other side {hopefully}

This whole trying period was good though, this morning I just had to google, "Is it normal to live for God and still have horrible days?" I mean, I was confused and mad, like where's the benefit, if I can spend an hour with God and proceed to have absolutely no favor that day?

The thought/voice/answer/whatever you'll call it, came so clear to me,

It's not about WHAT I have to face, it's about WHO I have to face it WITH!

That's the benefit. God is love, He's not out to ruin my day or not protect me from irritation. I guess I had to learn that I'm not praying/fasting/serving in Church or any of it for what I can get out of it. I'm doing it because LOVE, is utterly in love with me, and I never walk alone...(liverfools! lol)

Anyway, all this inspired the following letter, originally intended for God, but, find your own meaning.

xx
Jo

Seasons Of Life

Source: Uploaded by user via Chelsea on Pinterest

So after my downer of a post yesterday, I came across this post on transition, the truth is, finishing college is getting to me. I have no idea what's coming up with my life next year. I don't know what I want to do, every single idea has been shot down by my siblings, I'm just at a loss. I know at some point the answers will come and at some point, I'm going to have to ignore everybody else's opinion and do what's right for me, but it's just a hard time, transition.

Source: schoolgirlstyle.com via Paula on Pinterest

Mary Kat Ehnzeller is one of the artists on Jesus Culture's Emerging Voices album, that's how I found this blog post of hers. Enjoy and also get the album, I have it and I love it.

Re-blogged from Mary Kat Ehrenzeller


In times of transition, we can lose our footing. It's almost like God lets us lose ourselves that we would find ourselves all over again. Some seasons you can become comfortable and there is an ease and a familiarity in it all. 

Those seasons are almost like a sense of home where you can come and just rest. You know where all the bathrooms are located. You know where all the dishes are in the kitchen, including the cleaning supplies and trash bags. You know the junk drawers well and even exactly how long the junk has been in there!

Yet, in transition, your identity can be tested. The questions can rummage through your mind of: "Who am I really?" You don't know where anything is. You've never even seen this place before. 

It's uncomfortable and, at times, your heart can't even comprehend what is actually happening. You feel like you're going crazy or, better yet, you think it's the devil. However, most of the time, it's God shaking what can be shaken in your heart so only He can remain. He shakes the things we are trying to identify ourselves with that are not of Him.

He will tear us down to build us back up. He has been known to do this all throughout the Bible and He's really good at it. I love the quote that Kristine Mueller sings: "Redemption is so much better than perfection." These words have riveted straight through my heart because God is not about us being perfect in our own strife, but redeeming us from ourselves! 

He wants to break us down that He can remake us. He wants to take away everything we have relied upon to make ourselves perfect in our own strength. He desires for only His fingerprints to remain that we would see His power.

Yes, we know the truth is that we have been made new in Christ. Yet, it didn't stop at salvation. No. He continues to make us new more and more everyday! He continues to strip off the old man making us more like Him!

So, as I speak to myself and you, take heart! If you are in a transitional season, this means there is movement. Movement means there is LIFE happening and it's happening all around you! It's time to rejoice for joy comes in the morning. Change is challenging but being made more into His image? Why not? Though it be painful at the time, it truly is worth it. Be encouraged, it's just a season.

Venting

So, life hasn't been peachy lately...before I got sick last week, I had a groove going on. My life was kinda settled, I knew what I wanted to do, I knew where I was going, what I was hoping for, I knew what to do when I was down and how to pick myself up again, I was on a roll with my God-life - Bible reading plan, prayer, I was settled.

Then I was under the weather and now that I've recovered, I'm just lost all over again. It's not just about getting sick but also with the fact that this is my last official semester of college...it's a huge thing, I'm at the end of the line.

Being a last-born, especially being so far apart from my brother and sister and being my mom's "retirement baby", it's a life of guilt. My sister was talking to me about maybe not doing my Masters until I get a job, which is a valid point, but I think one thing that she doesn't need to worry about is taking me on a guilt trip. My life is all guilt...

When I was younger it was feeling guilty about not living up to the example my siblings set in school, the pressure to always perform, then it was the pressure to go to the school they wanted and do the course they wanted, then it's the pressure to make my mom proud, live up to my siblings, time and time again, I feel guilty for not living up to them, guilty for moving out and leaving my mom alone, guilty for looking for a job and having no idea where to begin, guilty that I drive a car and my siblings didn't, guilty every single time my mom puts cash in my bank account, pressure and guilt. It's worse because, you're the baby of the family, everyone treats you like a baby, when you act out,  everyone jumps down your throat. Whether it's calling someone else to "report my behavior" and telling them to "have a talk with me" or the constant lectures on ways that I'm not good enough, or ways that I'm a disappointment or ways that I'm taking advantage of my mom...ARGH! Guilt that I get annoyed when every single conversation with my mom revolves around them, hello, I have a life too! Add to the guilt and pressure, it's the disconnect, everybody else is at a different phase of life than I am. And the intimidation, the whole people can pour into my life, but the moment I give an opinion or try to say where I'm coming from, I'm defensive or attacking or rude and again, there's a phone call to report my behavior or a rude text which of course I cant reply to because then I'm rude and defensive and the "no wonder your life went the way it did" line.

Anyway, I have the option of posting this or not, but I choose to post it, not as a poor me downer post, but as a way to put down how I felt at this point of my life...to understand my kid when they go through this, hopefully to laugh about it in a couple of years at a family reunion, like, "how dramatic was I?"

Ventfully Yours
Jo

I Love Blogging! It Gets Better...

I know I always say this, but I don't feel like people get it! I love blogging, I dont know what I would do without this blog. I've been feeling pretty low lately, which I 100% attribute to some crazy PMS, because really, in the grand scheme of things, I have nothing to be sad about! *_* anyway, I got on here and went to that "Labels" section on my blog and clicked on one, and it led me to all these posts I wrote last year, and man, looking back between now and then, it's like a memory miracle log.

Source: bloghackz.com via Sheila on Pinterest

It just reminds me of two things;

• If I keep on keeping on and doing what I'm doing, God willing, this time next year, I'll look back on this years posts and think the exact same thing!!! How that year will be better than the last and so on and so forth #itgetsbetter

Source: faithhopeandcharityshopping.blogspot.com via FinCon on Pinterest

• Every single day of my life, waking up, dancing, singing, laughing, this is the miracle I prayed for and every day I wake up, dance, sing, laugh, is a miracle...despite how I feel, despite what my mind tells me to complain or be sad about, the fact remains, God changed my life this year and He's changing it in one way or another every day...being clay in the Potters hand, being molded hurts, but nobody thinks that when they see the end result.

Source: crushculdesac.tumblr.com via Anneliese on Pinterest

I know, I'm corny, you'll get used to it.

Source: lovelindseykay.tumblr.com via Lindsey on Pinterest

xx
Raha

"I'm Suffering!" How To Deal With Suffering

First Posted on Raha and God

I have a hard time understanding human suffering. Just watching TV this morning and I see these guys who’ve dug about a 15 foot well with a couple of stepping blocks and there’s like 12 guys at each level and they were passing water up and down, you know fetching water for their community and that’s how they live. Every couple of months it gets dry, they have to dig deeper, maybe once in a while it rains and they rest a little, same cycle.

About the same time, my mom is telling me how there were cattle rustlers somewhere in the coast. Two different neighboring communities and one attacked the others village, burned down houses and killed 37 women, 4 men and about 15 kids. One survivor, a man was on camera and he had a baby a couple of months old and 3 other kids, and we find out he’s lost his wife and 2 other kids, all killed. He saw the media and police commissioner and he’s just asking him, “Why have you come now? What can you do now? Can you bring my kids back? Will you bring my wife back? Are you going to breast feed my baby?” Then he just collapsed into tears.

My mom was telling me how her heart just broke seeing that, same as mine hearing about it. Then she asked me, “Now how do you tell someone like that about Jesus?”

So now, I’m here reading my Bible, listening to a Mars Hill podcast by Mark Driscoll and singing a little Jesus Culture, you know my typical Saturday chill day. My life is pretty good. I know Jesus, I have issues, I have sin that I’m still confessing and getting past, but I know God is real, I know his redemptive power. Yet, how do I reconcile my God to this situation. The Bible says all things work for good to them that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose – Romans 8:28. How do you tell someone that losing your wife and kids, senselessly because people had no heart and slaughtered them that this will work for good. If you told me that, I would smack you in the face!

Then, turning to good old Google, “What does the Bible say about suffering?” and it points me to the book of Job, which I’m actually going through in the One Year Bible right now. All I’ve learnt from Job so far is a lot of confusion. 

One day I’m on Job’s side, like, “What did I do wrong, have I not been faithful and honored the Lord all my life? What sin did I not repent of that was so great that I deserve to be disgraced like this?” 

Other days I’m on his friends’ sides, “Trust in the Lord, this is only a season and God is definitely going to restore you to even greater heights than this.” (Plus, I’ve been reading this for three days and I’m just like, “dude, get over it already so I can move to Ecclesiastes!)

To which Job always replies, “Get out of here! No literally get out of here, you have no idea what I’m feeling, you look down on me already because I’m suffering. All the words you’re saying are like nails on a chalkboard and the funny thing is, if I were in your shoes I’d have said the exact same thing. It’s not going to be alright, I don’t see the silver lining and all I want to do is to die.”

Job’s story puts into perspective the phrase, “naked I came into this world and naked shall I leave.” Oh wait, he said that *_*...................{Continue Reading....}

Christians and Friendship

I think I've been blessed with some of the best friends a girl could ask for. I don't have a lot of friends, we don't all go to happy hour or do reunions together :-) I'm not really the bare your heart to anyone type, but the friends I do have are pretty special.


I'm going to introduce them to you guys one day, but not today. Today I want to talk about one thing that's really been on my heart these past couple of days...authenticity in friendship. I think the reason I consider these guys my best friends is the fact that they've seen me at my worst and still they come back for more. I get crazy and these crazy people put up with it :-) I'm pretty lucky.


I'm trying to not be one person to one group of people and another person to another group of people. My friends know I have hard times, I struggle. They know when I'm happy and when I'm not. They know when I mess up. There are times when I try and hide my issues from them and be all happy and perky and act like my life is perfect. I think there's a pressure with that, especially after I got saved. 


I think though that the devil (don't run away, come back! I won't mention him again!) likes it when we keep things in the dark. When for example, I hide something from Michelle, like a boy issue, for example, I lose that accountability and things done in the dark end up messing you up. However, when I talk to her, I kind of see things better and I'm more enLIGHTENED (pun intended) about whatever it is. I think my biggest issue in life is boys, so this is the perfect example for me.


I also think there's an issue of hypocrisy. When you act like you have it all together, what sort of witness is that to your friends? Christian life isn't about perfection, it's about a gracious God, pulling you out of the muck and helping you be more like Him. It isn't about being perfect enough to love. We love Him because He first loved us. 


If I act like everything's good, then God forbid, I ever burn out, that'll drive a huge gap between my friends and God, because it'll be like, "God isn't real, if He was real Joanne wouldn't have burned out." If on the other hand I'm honest about my struggles and my ups and downs with this whole salvation thing, it'll be like, "If God can use someone as imperfect as Joanne, He can use me too." or "If God helped Joanne through such and such, He can help me too."


You know when you meet a guy {and by you, I mean me :-)} you kind of struggle to impress them and be whoever you feel they want you to be so that they like you and you don't act like yourself and it starts this whole cycle of lies and issues that you cant run away from and before you know it you're crying on the bathroom floor wondering what went wrong and your friends and family wonder why you're still single when you are such an awesome person. {Wah! That actually summarizes my dating life hehehe} Well, what went wrong is that you weren't yourself, and you are a great person when you're yourself, but you see you were never yourself.


I personally hate dating, I wish I could start from 5 years in where you're both comfortable and settled and not going through the whole, "should I call him? Why isn't he calling me? Should I text him?" dance. Unfortunately that's not how it works.


So, I'm praying a lot for God to change the face of my dating life. That if I meet #thatguy, I'm not caught up in impressing him with what I think he would like, but that I could just be a friend to him like I'm a friend to my BFF's. In all things keeping God and His plans for me as my first priority. I don't want to toss God aside and focus on a relationship that may or may not end in heartbreak and then have to go back with my tail in between my legs, head buried in shame and heart broken into a million pieces. At the end of everything, He's basically all I have left, I've learnt that the hard way, so Him and I stick together :-)


I'm praying that I'll just get lost in Him and all this other stuff won't matter so much to me. I think despite all my faults and foolish ways, God's just been so great to me and has given me such joy, that last night me and Michelle had created such drama thinking about boys and despite that drama, I was dancing around in my room, happy! Singing "This Is What You Do" by Matt Stinton. Like the song says, "You make me come alive." I'd be dumb to let that go.

Anyway, just thought I'd share in case anybody's going through the same thing. Would love to hear from you.


xx
Jo 

That Post About Confusing Feelings

Wow it has been a roller coaster of a weekend. A really great weekend, but a roller-coaster none the less...this is how I feel right now...

Source: imgfave.com via ANaRaQuELCaStRo on Pinterest

Couple of things I've learnt:

1. I am weak!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Feelings are like energy, they can't be destroyed they're just converted from one type to another. You can bury them deep deep down, but in the end they just come bursting out...ha!

Source: i.imgur.com via Syndi on Pinterest

3. Luckily though, we can, {or at least we're supposed to be able to} control our feelings. I don't have much success in that, but I'll put this up anyway :-)

Source: charginglife.com via Priscilla on Pinterest

4. Despite (3) above, I wish my feelings were more like this...

Source: h4te.tumblr.com via Sultane on Pinterest

Anyways, all this to say, I have nothing to say about this weekend...I just need to breathe!!!

xx
Jo

Career Crossroads

I invited BFF (Mich) to my Church for some much needed girl time after the service and it was such a breath of fresh air, girl time is the best! I finally got to "socialize at the Calabash" (Church food court)

Anyway, I was just telling her how I’ve realized how much I’ve come alive in God, how badly off I was and just how when I think back, I was under this crappy dark cloud, but right now I feel like I’m living for the first time; how I really feel like I want to give my life to this whole worship and ministry stuff. 

I told her one of my biggest fears about jumping into this, is that nobody just jumps into wanting to be a Pastor. I went to school for all this time, studying business, and accounting to get a starting job paying upwards of 40,000/- and build that to 200,000/- by the time I turned 30. Now all of a sudden, I jump into this whole other career, unpaid position for the first couple of years, iffy salary after that…what’s that about?! The money is a huge issue for me, I don’t want to be going to family reunions and my brother and sister roll up in Range Rovers and BMW’s and I’m in a 1999 Toyota Corrolla! Or (gasp!) public transportation, whop whop :-/ . There’s also the little fact of, “hey, how will I afford to go to ministry school or do an unpaid internship for a year?”

Most importantly though for me is this: husband and kids. I know it’s crazy, but I’m “that” person who’s concerned about a family she doesn’t even have yet. BFF knows this about me. For me, whoever I love, I love. I give everything. Maybe not so much in healthy ways before I knew the Lord, (but now that I do, I’m much, much better at that! LOL) I feel like it’s not a fluke that he made me this way; that I would put my husband and kids before anything outside of Him. So, loving this future imaginary family so much, how am I ever going to get there? 

What are the logistics of like a corporate guy marrying a lady worship pastor? So, how does a female worship pastor go on dates? Honestly, I don’t want to go through my 20’s unmarried. I want it to happen sooner rather than later! How do those two worlds collide? There’s also the fact that you should marry a person who has the same values and goals as you. So, ok, forget the corporate guy, if by some supernatural miracle of God, I meet this amazing guy, committed to God, wanting to build up churches and resource and do all that stuff for church and everything just lines up, do I have the patience to be a church wife, friend to all, mother to many?

Point is, I do want a career and success and achievements and yes, I want enough money to be comfortable and secure. I also want to find purpose in that job, to know that I’m helping, to have fun and to look forward to doing what I do. I do want a husband and kids and an amazing family that loves each other to death and serves the church together, and I don’t want to spend the next 5 years searching for said person and regretting not finding love sooner, when I’m 30 and single.

Is it crazy that I want so much? Is it greedy? If I did get it, would I be happy? Truthfully, I don’t know the answers to these questions. All I really know guys is this; I didn't just wake up one morning and decide this, remember I announced this to my class when I was 13 years old! I have had a few missteps along the way...enough to make a really juicy testimony, lol, but now the "calling" is back. I don't feel like I have a choice but to do it. 

Obviously I do, I can technically just jump into the corporate world, and still live, and have a safe, predictable life. What to me is just, as one poet put it, "alive, patiently waiting for death" or I could take the risk and jump into this, and come alive.

Anyway, so that's what's going on with me. This month's sermon series has been incredibly relevant to me. I still have a couple of months before I'm done with College, so I have plenty of time to make plans, and I;m going to use what Pastor M taught us,

1. Read The Bible

2. Pray

3. Seek Godly advice

4. Look beyond the circumstances

Anybody ever been at a career crossroad, would love some advice!

xx

Jo

How To Repent and Move On: Getting Back on The Horse

I hate a "poor me" downer post as much as the next person, but this is my space and it'd be a big fat lie to only do happy posts, right? :-)

I love God with all my heart. He has really made Himself known to me in amazing, fun ways these past few months. I fell in love with Him even more when I read (Hosea 2:14-20 [NET]) where God speaking of this woman who'd totally ignored what God had offered her and went instead to worship other gods and leave her husband in the process...God says,

​​​​​​​However, in the future I will allure you; ​​​​​​I will lead you back into the wilderness, ​​​​​​and speak tenderly to you.
​​​​​​​From there I will give back your vineyards to you, ​​​​​​and turn the “Valley of Trouble” into an “Opportunity for Hope.” ​​​​​​There you will sing as you did when you were young, ​​​​​​when you came up from the land of Egypt.
​​​​​​​“At that time,” declares the LORD, ​​​​​​“you will call me ‘My husband’; ​​​​​​you will never again call me, ‘My master.’
​​​​​​​For I will remove the names of the Baal idols from your lips, ​​​​​​so that you will never again utter their names!”
​​​​​At that time I will make a covenant for them with the wild animals, ​​​​​​the birds of the air, and the creatures that crawl on the ground. ​​​​​​I will abolish the warrior’s bow and sword ​​​​​​– that is, every weapon of warfare – from the land, ​​​​​​and I will allow them to live securely.” ​​​​​​​I will commit myself to you forever; ​​​​​​I will commit myself to you in righteousness and justice, ​​​​​​in steadfast love and tender compassion. ​​​​​​​I will commit myself to you in faithfulness; ​​​​​​then you will acknowledge the LORD.” (personalized)

How could you not fall in love with a God like that? You want to be perfect for Him, you want to somehow make Him realize that you're worth it, that you're worth Him. I'm no different, I worship, I sing, I write songs, I sign up for ministries and auditions, I tell people about His love, I try.

The bittersweet fact is that we'll never do enough or be enough. God doesn't call us to perfection, He calls us to love:

(Matthew 22:37-38 [NET])
Jesus said to him, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.



It's bitter because humanity drives us to seek perfection, when we don't reach that mark, we feel like failures, and it sucks! It's sweet because God loves us back and knows we can't reach perfection on our own, if we love Him, if we give our lives to Him in every way that He asks.


Despite this love, I still fail to live up to the mark

Looking at 2 passages in the Bible,

(Phillipians 3:10-16 [NET])
My aim is to know him, to experience the power of his resurrection, to share in his sufferings, and to be like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.
Not that I have already attained this – that is, I have not already been perfected – but I strive to lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus also laid hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself to have attained this. Instead I am single-minded: Forgetting the things that are behind and reaching out for the things that are ahead, with this goal in mind, I strive toward the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
Therefore let those of us who are “perfect” embrace this point of view. If you think otherwise, God will reveal to you the error of your ways. Nevertheless, let us live up to the standard that we have already attained.

I love verse 15, "Therefore let those of us who are “perfect” embrace this point of view."

1. Paul says he hasn't yet attained perfection, but rather than let this fact slow him down, he strives to attain what Jesus called us into.
2. He keeps his eyes forward not behind. We can choose to reach a certain point, stop, look back at the screw up and let it wreck us, or we can move forward and strive toward the prize which is encountering and experiencing God

(2Cor 12:7-10 [NET])
...Therefore, so that I would not become arrogant, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to trouble me – so that I would not become arrogant. I asked the Lord three times about this, that it would depart from me. But he said to me, “My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” So then, I will boast most gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may reside in me. Therefore I am content with weaknesses, with insults, with troubles, with persecutions and difficulties for the sake of Christ, for whenever I am weak, then I am strong.
 3. If a giant in faith like Paul needed to be kept humble, how much more should we make sure we are too? The moment pride gets in the way, we let down our guard, and we don't do what we're supposed to and we fail.
4.My grace is enough for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.


Let's jump back to:
 


(Luke 22:31-32 [NET])
“Simon, Simon, pay attention! Satan has demanded to have you all, to sift you like wheat, but I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. When you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”


5. Turn back and strengthen your brothers.

xx
Jo

Feeling Like an Old Maid

Last night I was talking to my mom about how it seems all my friends are getting engaged and having babies and here I am, with this one year pledge of singleness we made at Church in Febrauary, and how even after this one year, I might end up doing a Ministry internship which as I've seen so far, some don't allow dating, and even after the internship, I'll be spending so much time trying to move to a new city and finding a job and actually making something out of the nothing I currently have and might be so busy I don't even have time to date! So, in reality, I'm looking at about 3 years before I can even have the thought of settling down and falling in love.

If you know me, if you've read my blog, you know how freaked out this makes me.

• In High School, my life plan was to finish High School, move after a year and get married by the time I was 22, have my first kid at 24 and so on.
• After High School, I got caught up in the expectations to finish college, make a career, get married, which pushed out a lot of MY dreams
• Right now, I'm trying to catch up to the High School dream, but now it goes like, know God, experience God, move to a new city, learn God, get married, teach God, get cute babies and so on

My mom, is encouraging me and saying everything that a mom is supposed to say, "finish school", "get a job", "don't be in a hurry or else you'll settle for anything that comes along" and I was telling her, yeah I get all that, I don't want to settle, I want to be loved completely and to be in love and I want to be happy, but I also want to be a young, hot wife and a young, hot mom. I want to be settled with someone who has the same dreams and passions as me (read, God) and someone who we can work together, so that we start working now.

She may say all those things, but the fact remains, she got married at 24, like most of my uncles and aunts. My cousin, who we used to live with, got married at 24, my sister met her husband at 23, my sister in law married my brother at 25. I'm turning 22, I FEEL LIKE AN OLD MAID!!!

Yeah, I know, I'm supposed to be "the one" before I find "the one" and that's what this year's pledge is for and there's stuff I'm building on my own, even with the Ministry stuff. Just to be clear, honestly, this has been an amazing year so far and I wouldn't give it up even if my dream guy walked through the door right now, I've gotten to experience God more in 3 months than I have in 21 years. But I think even God gets that sometimes its easier to work with somebody and to have somebody.

At the end of the conversation with my mom though, an amazing thing happened. I just got this amazing reassurance from Jesus, a.k.a, my awesome, awesome friend, that I don't need to freak about this. He's got my back. Everything's going to be OK, and that filled my heart so much I ended up tweeting this;

I honestly just love Jesus. He's awesome.

Anyway, later last night I was listening to a podcast from Gateway Church, Austin and John Burke just talks about how when Jesus met people who needed something, like the blind men who cried out to Him, He asked them an obvious question, "What do you want?" I mean, duh, they wanna not be blind anymore, they wanna be healed. But Jesus asks a question that we sometimes are too afraid to ask God, because we feel like it's beneath God to hear us, or its too selfish to pray when there's so many other things to pray for, but Jesus asks this question so many times, there's gotta be something to it.

So, I laid it all out there, all my desires, all the crazy things that I hope for, that I see when I picture my future, all the stuff that makes my heart race, like praying or talking or singing or like getting to minister with someone, or watching him minister. Small things like finally having someone put time and thought into my birthday or valentines day (remember I've never had a boyfriend on valentines day :-/ ) And more than any of that, just getting to put into action, or just experiencing love, the kind of love that He's teaching me. I prayed about finishing school in time. I prayed about getting an opportunity to move and find a job and a house smoothly and hassle free.

Like I said, I laid out all the crazy things that look too big and too impossible to ever happen. I'd rather ask and not get than live wondering "What if?" "Why didn't I?" I prayed that if it came down to it, I'm always going to choose Him. It usually takes me a while, but at the end of it, I always choose Him, and with what He's done and how He's changed me so far, it'll probably not take as long a while for me to choose Him. But, I cant help what I feel, and what my desires are, you know?

I always say, God is my dad. He's got my back. Even when it comes to stuff like this.

xx
Raha