It's Not My Faith, It's By Grace

Miracles & Counting the Cost

John 2:1-11

Now on the third day there was a wedding at Cana in Galilee. Jesus’ mother was there, and Jesus and his disciples were also invited to the wedding. When the wine ran out, Jesus’ mother said to him, “They have no wine left.” Jesus replied, “Woman, why are you saying this to me? My time has not yet come.”

His mother told the servants, “Whatever he tells you, do it.” Now there were six stone water jars there for Jewish ceremonial washing, each holding twenty or thirty gallons. Jesus told the servants, “Fill the water jars with water.” So they filled them up to the very top. Then he told them, “Now draw some out and take it to the head steward,” and they did.

When the head steward tasted the water that had been turned to wine, not knowing where it came from (though the servants who had drawn the water knew), he called the bridegroom and said to him, “Everyone serves the good wine first, and then the cheaper wine when the guests are drunk. You have kept the good wine until now!”
 

Jesus did this as the first of his miraculous signs, in Cana of Galilee. In this way he revealed his glory, and his disciples believed in him.

I find it awesome that the God who said, "don't build a house without counting the cost", is the same God who re-filled the vats of wine at this wedding. I don't know much about planning a wedding, but from all the shows I've watched I know one of the 1st questions your planner or your caterer asks you is, "How many guests are you expecting?" Then they work depending on your answer.


Now, maybe this couple did do that and did do the work, made a proper guest list, but people ended up thirstier than expected. Maybe people brought their friends along; or uninvited guest just showed up. In any case, there was no wine left.


Think about all the times when we've said yes to God and pledged to do one thing or another for His sake with 100% intentions to do it, but life gets in the way. You get sick, you get lazy, you didn't really sit down and plan every detail perfectly, what happens then? We can learn a lot about the gracious nature of God and how He wants to be involved in every tiny detail through this story.

• There was someone outside this situation seeking Jesus on behalf of the couple. I know there's a lot in my life that can be attributed to my mom and my grandma and the rest of my family praying for me. Times when I couldn't pray for myself and I put myself in danger but somehow survived or times when I could have been going through something but miraculously I'm not. This is on us, to keep our friends and families and better yet, total strangers in our prayers because someone somewhere is doing the same for us. Seeking God for you on behalf of something you're not even aware of! The steady insistence and the faith that Mary had that even if He walked away and seemed bothered, Jesus would do what she asked Him to was the force that pushed this miracle to be done. The fact that this was the 1st of Jesus' miracles goes to show this is something we could all learn from.
• Someone has to do the work. You have to have a workable plan. You see, the wine did run out, but they had six stone water jars which Jesus could refill. We need to walk into situations with a heart totally open to God. We need to make enough room for Him to fill us up. This could be stuff like staying consistent with feeding yourself in the word and quiet time and going to Church and so on. The well will run dry sometimes, but as long as it's open to the rain, it can get full again! You have to do the work: if you're looking for a miracle regarding your job, be the best employee there. If you're looking for a marriage mate, become a perfect marriage mate yourself. Whatever it is, do the work, start working on your plan.
• Jesus is so gracious. He didn't go to the couple and say, "Why didn't you plan your wedding better? Why didn't you order enough wine? How does one even throw a party without a good plan?!" He didn't reprimand, He came in and gave them wine that was even better than what they had before. God comes in where we fall short and makes all things new and better. We sing this song at Church, "You latter will be greater than your past, you will be blessed, more than you could ask. Despite all that has been done, the best is yet to come All things are possible,the best is yet to come, the soon is soon to come."

So, I hope this encourages you as much as it has me.

xx
Jo

My Testimony

To celebrate my 2nd Baptism Anniversary, thought I'd re-write my testimony. God is so amazing and everyday, I live in his redemptive power.

 

I got saved when I was 11 years old at Donholm All Nations Gospel Church (PEFA) where my then best friend and I asked the youth pastor to pray for us after being heavily convicted watching Colby's Clubhouse :-) :-) I spent my High School life still committed to God; ask my roommates my favorite thing to do in the world was writing down TBN sermon notes and Christian Rock lyrics in my journal and waiting till Sunday night to get on my bunk and sing them. I remember being overtaken by emotion in a CRE class and making a public announcement to my class in Form 1 (9th Grade) how "I want to be a Pastor!" and it was the most embarrassing moment of my High School life, except the time I was in a play and my costume halfway fell off, I felt it and believed it, but it's not the type of thing you want merciless teenage girls knowing the 1st week of school...I digress. My relationship with God then was real and raw and it was just the two of us. It didn't look like anybody else's. He was my best friend and all I had. Those were honestly the best years (till now, obviously)

After High School, life got a little tricky. Coming out of a girls boarding school where every Sunday you HAD to got to Church and every Wednesday you HAD to go to Bible Study, and the only boys you saw were 3 months out of the year during short holidays, all the new freedom quickly got to my head and a combination of that and my dad's cancer struggle led to what I refer to as the dark years. Like, seriously, so dark I've-blocked-most-of-those-memories-out, dark. I made some choices I wish I hadn't and went through some stuff I wish I didn't.

Then March 2009 happened and I started going to Mavuno. Pastor Simon was preaching the "Man Enough" series and that helped me work through a lot of issues. I started going to the youth group there (YORK House) and made some solid friends who stood by me even when I was one foot in and one foot out of the Church. 

2010 was the biggest blurry year every wrong choice, every wrong done to me, every heartbreak, mourning for my dad, it all just piled up and at the end of it I was done. The only belief I had about my life was that I wouldn't live past 25. I was in such a dark place I remember calling my mum at midnight ne night and telling her to pray for me because I just couldn't do it anymore. She tried to take me to see a therapist, it didn't work, so one weekend she forced me to go back to Mavuno and it was the last service of the year - the Thanksgiving/Testimonies service. I was hearing all these testimonies of lives saved and I was just crying thinking "Will that ever be me? I'm too far gone!" I signed up for Mizizi (a 10 week course about how God relates to everyday life) and started that January 2011.

I went to that class every week, I was hard headed and asked a lot of questions, I was determined not to walk out of that class without answers. At the very last day, our Graduation Retreat, the person leading called out the exact cause of my depression and I went forward and I BAWLED! I could not believe God had a word for me! I got saved and baptized on April 10th 2011.

I understood the concept of loving God which to me was "I believe you are real, I acknowledge you are real." I followed the rules and felt horrible when I failed and my new Christian life was more of a job that I reported to and clocked out of when something "better" came along. I struggled to make it look like the relationships other people had. I failed. Miserably.

January 2012 happened. I was sitting in my sister's house flipping through channels then this song came up and I just thought, "Wow, I've never seen worship like that!" and I wrote the name of the band down on my phone to check them out later. February, I Googled them and discovered it was Chris Quilala of Jesus Culture singing. I spent the whole month listening to every song and getting my hands on every album. I was rocked. Afterwards I got on to Bethel Music as well and my life has never been the same.

I understood loving God wasn't just acknowledging His realness. It was getting an encounter with His love and loving Him because He loves us SO INCREDIBLY MUCH. I realized that He looks at me and doesn't rate me based on my mistakes and how well I've cleaned them up, He looks at me and sees me as lovely and whole and funny and beautiful. I realized who He really is and in turn He showed He's showing me who I am. He's showing me that He put a sensitive heart in me, I see Him and I feel Him in little things like light hitting a cloud a certain way or a chord in a song or a picture or painting. He's showing me that He's created me to be a dreamer and to awaken the dreamer in people. He's given me a passion to see dead or broken things come alive.

I auditioned for Mavuno's worship team, something I dreamed of forever but never dared to believe could happen. I got in. I subscribed to iBethel TV and watch their worship and sermons every week and in short...I've just come alive. As you can see, it didn't take a day or a single prayer, it took years for me and I think many times a lot of us give up on God too quickly, I'm still a work in progress and there's so much more of Him I want to experience that I haven't yet. Same way God sees a lot in me that I can do but I haven't learned I can do yet, but, He makes me come alive.

Now, God placed it in my heart to go back to the dreams I had when I first fell in love with Him back in High School. To be involved in Church and ministry, to write music, to sing and to love on people and show them God's love, even on this blog. Like I said, He's given me a passion to see dead or broken things come alive, (relationships, lives, marriages, hearts) and I can't wait to see what that looks like.

 

If Only You Could See Yourself The Way I See You

I feel like the Lord sometimes will tell you stuff ahead of time to prepare you for something that hasn’t yet happened. I know what you’re thinking, “Duh Joanne, it’s called prophecy! Been there for a few thousand years?!” I get it, but I mean to me on a personal level. 

This morning I was sitting on a bus heading to school to do a test (which I’m pretty sure I flunked, what can I say…Economics!) anyway, I’m on this bus listening to talk radio and I feel this love come up all over my heart and I figured, it must be God. So I start praying, or rather, pressing into that because I wasn’t too sure what to say and I hear all these affirmations, “You’re captivating. You’re beautiful. You’re funny. You’re smart. You’re a go-getter. You’re loving.  You’re the best when you’re just you.” I actually did a double take on the “captivating” part, like, “are you really interested in what I have to offer?” He had to say captivating a couple of times for it to sink in. I’m just receiving it and taking it all in. It’s pretty hard to hear all this stuff and you’re not really sure whether to believe it for yourself – whole other blogpost!

Anyway, the day goes on and I get home, watch some TV (Modern Family, the Middle, Pretty Little Liars, Kourtney and Kim Take Miami) guess that’s not some, that’s a lot! Later I watch some iBethel TV which always gets me ready for some worship, so I go to my room and have a pretty great time just singing and loving Jesus. Mom gets home, I drive her out to see my aunt, get home, go on Facebook and read a post by Kris Vallotton about how we should forgive ourselves and stop punishing ourselves. Watch a little more TV and as quick as that love came upon me in the morning, this discouragement lays a firm grip on me.

I’m just thinking about just how tough the past 4 years have been, missing my dad and having this “grey history” and just how horribly some people treated me in this “past life” of mine. On a day to day basis, I’m pretty disconnected from that, I feel like that stuff was a lifetime ago, and like it wasn’t me at all, but there are moment when some of it comes back.

But are you seeing how God kinda prepared me for this onslaught of negative, “you’re not good enough thoughts” by filling me up in the morning. Because He is God, and meets each of us at our point of need, we need to remind ourselves that when we get filled out of His tap, no other source can come close to what He gives us. The grace He gave me in the morning, the new mercies He poured out are more than enough to see me through to the rest of this night without me falling for the enemies lies.

Again this morning I remembered what it feels like to live away from God and when all you hear is that voice that says, “You’ll never make it. You don’t have what it takes. You’re too this, that or the other.” Or when it starts listing out your sins for you and how hard and how often you fell in the past, when it reminds you of the lies you told and of the dark corners you crept in. That to me is attempts at kidnapping your spirit and your mind. So I asked God, “I’m kidnapped a lot, I wonder how much you have to pay for me every time.” And another duh moment God says, “Er, Joanne, the ransom was Jesus…” By this point I’m thinking, “Come on Joanne get it together!” Did I mention I had an Econ test in the morning? #occupiedbraincells #YupIHastagOnBloggerNow

Well, my point is, the voices, the tough hurtful memories, the words people said about me, the value others held me in, the value I held myself in, the mistakes I made, the grief I’ve felt, who I am – faults and all, they’ve all been redeemed by Jesus. I don’t need to hold on to any of that. All I have to do is love Him, let Him love me, do as He does, go where He’s going, think of myself the way He thinks about me, that’s what He paid for. I am for sure responsible for giving Him what He paid for.

xx
Jo

Writing Experiment

I've been reading a couple of new blogs that have completely changed my mindset on writing. I write mostly to summarize the activities of the day and so do these guys but I guess they come at it from a different place, more of descriptive rather than narrative language, such that you feel like you were going through the emotions and the course of the day with them. I'm loving it. So, I thought I'd try it out. I wrote this a while ago after going through a particularly bad day, what better way to start this experiment right?

Here goes;

Driving down the same dead-end route hoping to get to a different destination is an obvious exercise in futility and sadly, over the years, it’s become the foundation of my identity.

The spacious way and the wide gate is where I find myself walking, each time thinking I learnt my lesson, I’m stronger now and I’m ready for whatever comes. Boldly telling the enemy, “You want a piece of this, come and get it.” He does and he wins the battle. 

In the midst of the fight, I think of Him. Him who owns every piece of me, Him whose face I turn away from, Him whose open arms I ignore. I hide my face in shame; I dig deep into the darkness to find cover from the light that always breaks through. I can’t stand the brightness that hurts my eyes every time as they struggle to adjust. If only I’d stayed in the light in the first place, then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much. 

Finally, I dig deep enough and the darkness swallows me. I desperately need the light, I long for it, I crave it, but I can’t move. Not again. I can’t keep doing this. I don’t deserve freedom. I don’t deserve warmth. I definitely don’t deserve those hands always reaching out to me.

The choice has to be made. The door has to be closed. The foothold has to be sawed out. He’ll wash my dusty feet, but isn’t it time to get some shoes? I can come out guns a-blazing as much as I want, but I have to understand when it’s time to retreat. When it’s time to wave the white flag, turn around, get back on the ship and sail away. To realize that the war has already been won and my battles are self-sought, self-propagated and self-lost.

Maybe the crux of the matter is that I look for life everywhere else but from Him who gives it in abundance.

Maybe I haven’t fully believed that the narrow path does lead to life. Maybe it’s time I did. Maybe it’s time I realized no one compares to Him. That He’s the only one who can satisfy me. That my plan is nothing compared to His. That He really truly has me and I can’t close my eyes and pretend He doesn’t and that my actions don’t break His heart.

So I say with the same boldness I had before,

“I quit, you can have this, I don’t want it anymore.

If you want a fight you’ll have to wrestle on your own

Because this isn’t my battle,

My war’s already been won.”

xx

Jo

It’s Okay

I jokingly told my mom how January feels like Monday morning when the alarm rings and you can’t imagine it being the weekend again. I was a little worried with all the demands that would come with this month, figuring out the whole year. Can someone maybe write a self-help book on that?

I’ve spent the last week at my sister’s house babysitting my 2 y/o nephew since my sister was in the hospital delivering my new niece. So the whole week has been changing poopy diapers, running to the potty barely in time to avoid any “wee-wee” incidents, singing the Jake and the Neverland pirates and Spongebob theme songs, trying to make cleaning look fun so the kid would join me when I had to get stuff in order-dishes, floors, tickle fights, cuddles, dancing on the floor and so on and so on. Motherhood is tough; you have to be on 24/7. Everybody dreams of being able to be a stay-at-home mom, but after this week…ummm…:-/

Today’s Saturday and my sister just got back from the hospital, and I’m in the bedroom in a crying mess and blogging. Man, I’m just so emotional. I don’t know if it’s the new baby finally getting home and it hitting me that my nephew isn’t the baby anymore or just relieved that these months have ended so successfully, or what.

Then there’s just all this other stuff going on where, I wanna be the best at everything I do. I want to be the best daughter and save my mom money by finding cheap deals for my tuition/fees. I want to be the best sister and the best aunt to my nephew. I want to be the best girlfriend (whenever God decides to bless this single girl with a good boyfriend), I want to be the best worship leader, I want to be the best friend, I want to be the best Christian, and I want to be the best girl. WTH?! Who can live up to all of that? Yet, when I fail at one of them, I get stressed and emotionally charged.

You know how Oprah and these self-help gurus keep saying, “center yourself”, “find your own space and focus on your mantra”, or, “take time off and recharge” or other such rhetoric, I NEED TO KEEP REMINDING MYSELF OF THE SAME THING! 

Hopefully yelling at myself like this will work?

Xx

Jo

Self-Awareness

I was talking to a friend of mine about how important it is to get to a point where you’re settled and find fullness in yourself. Not in a job or in a relationship or in all these other external stuff. I’ve definitely been feeling that this year, as you all well know.

I have to admit I have lost my footing for a while, I won’t lie, serving in Church last month was HARD! I was at Church practically every night and if not at Church then doing a Church related activity, reports or reading for Mizizi, vocal class, rehearsals, Mizizi classes and on top of that studying for campus exams, it was just a lot! I wasn’t really doing it from a place of overflow because well, I wasn’t getting filled up.

I miss Bill Johnson and Kris Vallotton and Jeremy Riddle and Jenn Johnson…i.e. my Bethel Church podcasts, I haven’t had time to watch my favorite people.

December hasn’t been any better because family has been intense, my sister’s due date is fast approaching so I’m trying to pitch in where I can and help her and keep my nephew occupied so she can relax and have some fun before life completely changes again. My nephew though is a stubborn one and when he screams "I want mommy", no amount of distraction from me will work :-)

I read my Bible maybe twice a week at best…so my identity has definitely been shaken. The past two weeks I’ve just been thinking, “Who am I?” and then it hit me, wait, haven’t I already answered these questions before? I know exactly who I am, I know exactly what I want to do, I know where I’m meant to be and that is simply with God. Obviously there’s specifics: career, where to live, who to be friends with, but point is all that comes from me knowing who I am in God. 

I keep saying I don’t have this whole God thing figured out. I don’t know how that will happen, the day when I’m always “on” or connected. But honestly, this week, I felt pursued. After ignoring God for weeks, I get a text from a new blog reader ;-)and it reminded me of this whole thing, who I am and why I do what I do. A couple minutes later, I stumble upon Bethan's blog about life at BSSM. Then a song comes on and wah, never-failing thick presence, I felt a rush of love, and I know I TOTALLY don’t deserve to be loved or pursued by someone I’ve treated so badly, but that’s just what He does.

So, me and God, I am so in this, there’s no getting out. I’ll have to figure out how I’ll make time and how I’ll maintain that because life hasn’t stopped being busy, in fact it’s about to get busier in 2013, but I need to figure it out.

The wedding I went to also had a sort of reverse impact on me. I’ve said before how when I was in High School I knew without any doubt that I would be married at 22! I turned 21 and said, ok, maybe by 24, but now, I’m like, that’s probably not what’s going to happen with my life. 

Marriage and relationships aren’t the be all, end all of life. I have tons of dreams and stuff I would love to experience in my own life and I can’t keep molding innocent people I date into what I want same way I can’t keep changing myself to fit into the personality of whoever I’m dating. 

So right now, I’m like whatever happens will happen, I’m not actively pursuing anything specific. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely want love, but I’m not going through any stress or sadness or drama to get it. I think when 2 people want to be together, 1 party doesn’t have to do the heavy lifting, it just happens. In this phase of my life I’m Zen.

Yes, also the fact that the bride and groom hadn’t slept together despite dating 6 years rocked me...a whole blog post needs to be done about this statement alone, hehehe.

My family and friends have been absolutely essential to me this year, from Joe telling me how I’m an awesome friend or Michelle telling me I’m a full package all on my own and also showing me some crazy tough love, or my sister and Abby telling me to enjoy every moment of life now but keep things in perspective, or Ted who's constantly teaching me the value of patience and understanding, honestly I have the best BFF’s. I know self-awareness is all about me knowing me, but they deserve recognition too.

Anyway, more to come on this.

xx

Jo