What I Learned about Love & Marriage From Samsung

OK, so if you follow me on Twitter or Facebook or Instagram(!) you know how I got a new phone this past week. First off, my sincere apologies for talking about it SO much, one last time, I promise! But, I've never had a Smartphone before, so I keep telling guys how I feel like I've been living under a rock! I mean, I talk to this phone and it does what I say without complaining. That sounds crazy, but its actually true. (Hello S-Voice).

Anyway, so I've been excited over this phone. I begged my family to buy one for me as a birthday present LAST YEAR of course everyone refused. I mean, until today, my mom goes like, "Remember that time you asked me to buy you that phone? BHAHAHA!"

So, I've worked and saved money for the past 3 months, meaning, no pizza dates, no weekend drives to pick up my friends and go to lunch, no red velvet cake from java, no Steers - oh my gosh why does it sound like all my life seems to revolve around food? OK, no biking trips in Karura Forest (am I redeemed? :-) )

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Anyway, I've saved up and I researched, oh boy did I research I have like 10 YouTube Videos on "Unboxing & Review" of this phone and that phone. "Comparison between Phone X & Y" etc. I went to the Samsung store every weekend to test these phones I basically knew everything there was to know about them. Everyday as I woke up at 5 a.m and trudged to work, got insulted day in day out by my boss, I stuck it out because I knew, August will be here soon and I'll have enough money to get this phone!

August finally came, but my paycheck came in late. A few weeks later, I got the money, but my debit card expired. So I got a new debit card, but the purchase was over the limit. So, I waited till a couple of days later, got the money, but the Samsung store was closed for renovation. So, I went to another store, they were sold out. I went to another store, they were sold out too. Finally got to a 3rd store and they had it!

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Oh, sweet joy, they had it! I got it all set up. Got home, played around with it. Went to work the next day, downloaded all the apps, played around with it some more. 3 days later and I'm done. The excitement is virtually gone. I mean, for sure, I absolutely LOVE looking at it, and having it and knowing it's mine and I will protect it with everything. But it's not like I expected, 3 months of work for 3 days of excitement, doesn't seem like a fair trade off.

It got me thinking, love and marriage could end up being the same thing depending on how you are in your single years.

As a Christian, knowing all I know about love because of experiencing it through God every day (Amen?!) and through my friends and through the people I interact with from my new school and having this redeemed life, I get excited thinking about getting married and being in love, if this is what love is like.

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It's easy to spend a day fantasizing about this future boyfriend/husband etc and how great life would be. Its easy when you're finally dating to be excited about being in love, hoping this is the one and jumping, not necessarily just into physical intimacy, but also into seemingly innocent emotional intimacy, like spending too much time together, saying I love you too quickly, prioritizing them over your own quiet time, not taking time to develop a friendship, etc.

Just like me and my 3 day excitement, we rob ourselves of the fruit of the wait when we spend the wait barely waiting. Living in the fruit of the moment before the actual moment.

Anyway lemme end this long post, I promised myself I wouldn't do that anymore :) just food for thought. Have a great weekend everybody!

Build 'Em Up: Remembering You

Linking up today with these beautiful talented women, so if you're here from there :) Welcome! Can't wait to meet you.

 I'm not a mom neither am I married, so at first glance, you beautiful married people might think, "Why do you need to remember you, isn't your life all about you?"  Haha, well, yeah...totally a little bit...

Here's the thing though, at this stage of my life, I spend 100% of my time thinking about my future and how I'm going to get to where I need to be so I can get married and have kids and start raising a family. I think about traveling and getting things checked off my bucket list. I spend a considerable amount of time stressing about finances because it is just me. Apart from that I work 8-5 and go to a night class 6-8P, AND this month I sing in 3 services at Church.

So, I'm "on the grind" financially. Mentally, those concerned voices start playing back in my mind, from my relatives at every wedding you attend "So when is it going to be your turn?" The fear that I'm going to be smiling and saying "Soon!" until I'm old and grey.

Physically, there's always that extra 7 kg hanging over my head, (or below my feet as it were)

So, what do I do to prevent myself getting run down? How do I take care of myself and keep my identity?

Well, I'm definitely lucky because it is just me. When I get overwhelmed, I can take a step back and re-evaluate. Some things that give me some "me-time" and renewal.

1. Keep Things In Perspective: This for me just means prioritizing the things that are important to me. I'm not working right now because I necessarily love my job, but I need to put in effort since this is the ministry assigned to me at this point in my life. I hope to see it grow more into things that I'm passionate about like Church work and/or raising a family, but here's where I've been blessed for now and I need to remember that. (Especially on cold Monday mornings)
2. Singing: I LOVE to sing. Whether it's every couple months when I'm on stage at Church or alone in my room or driving around. I LOVE it. It makes me feel happy and fresh afterwards. Some music you should definitely check out is Owl City for a fun pick me up or Bethel Music for some renewing, happy worship. While you're at it, kick your shoes off, forget your two left feet and dance!!!
3. Reading: First up, your Bible. This makes me happy, especially when I get some insight that I hadn't gotten before. When God speaks, it changes everything about the course of my day. It realigns me completely. Another book I'm currently reading is, "Face to Face with God" by Bill Johnson. It's taking me a while to get through because I'm always crying - this book is almost all about the goodness of God.
4. Pampering: Take a looong bath/shower. Do my nails, deep condition my hair, do a moisturizing face mask. This always works. Especially if you use great smelling products. And, SHOPPING! I don't know about you, but a great pair of earrings makes me happy  :D

*Bonus - Movies: I try to get out and watch a movie once a month or every 2 months. The rest of the world disappears for a couple of hours which is great sometimes. Some of my best memories happened watching a great movie...I can't remember the stressful parts of those days, just the rush I got when the hero saved the day.

So that's just a couple of things that work for me and could probably work for you too, even if your schedule is a little tight.

God Bless,
Jo

Shagz Trip Part 2

I realized I have some pictures from my last trip here.

We drove to Karatina for a wedding today. Went to pick up my grandma, and of course she invited 2 of her friends and my cousin. On the way we were also supposed to pick up my aunt, and of course, she invited her friend. I drive a Toyota; do not ask me to explain how we fit 6 people in the back of that car! Gotta love shagz!

The Lord showed me just how much He’s taught me about patience. I was pissed off, but I was oddly calm at the same time. I just said, I will not stress about this, let’s just get this over and done with. Of course my Zen attitude didn’t stop me from being stopped by the police. Apparently I used the wrong exit, (HE WAS WRONG! Just saying!) I agreed with him and was polite and mom walked with me when he led me away from the car and defended me. He let me off with a warning and said, “It’s because your mom reminds me of my mom” Thank you Jesus he didn’t ask me for a bribe or look inside that car, remember it was overloaded!

Anyway, we got to the wedding. Honestly, there is nothing like a Kikuyu wedding, especially a Kikuyu shagz wedding! It was crazy. All the weirdness and embarrassing moments you could think of were there. At the same time though it was a really great day, everyone had so much fun and I loved it. Fr future reference, I found this blog that details all the traditional aspects if you wanna check out out, click here.

Coming back I told my mom there was no way I was driving all those people back, and luckily her and my aunt Catherine had my back on that, so bye bye 6 people, I was left with 3!

We got home pretty early, on account of me pressuring them to leave before the cake cutting. (Didn’t wanna drive in the dark on foreign roads!)

Watched some iBethel TV and went to bed.

xx

Jo

xx

Jo

That Encounter (that may or may not have happened)

Thank you Lord for giving me a roof over my head and plenty of food to eat, thank you that I got a chance to go to school without ever worrying about fees or whether or not I’d have the ability to understand what I was being taught. Thank you for a more than stable home life. Thank you for giving me amazing parents and siblings who loved me from day 1. Thank you that my father was a great man in a world where great men, great fathers are hard to find. Thank you that I have a sister to look up to. Thank you that my mum cares about every aspect of my life and would do anything to help me succeed in whatever I wanted. Thank you for her generous spirit. Thank you for the life she has sacrificed and afforded to give me. Thank you for my health. Thank you for the beautiful friendships you have made available to me at every season of my life. Thank you for putting me in this beautiful country with millions of different, eccentric, wonderful personalities. Thank you for this election and every candidate running and the regions they represent. Thank you that when I thought we wouldn’t make it out of the last election’s violence, we did and you’ve given us 5 wonderful years of peace. Thank you for creating me exactly the way you did. Thank you for sending you son to die on the cross to pay the ransom for my sinful nature. Thank you for loving me and putting love in me. Thank you that you’ve never taken that love away. Thank you for forgiving me when I couldn’t forgive myself. Thank you for talking to me and having relationship with me every single day. Thank you for giving me a dream of a future I could hope for. Thank you for giving me this opportunity at the exact right time. Thank you for giving me new mercies each morning and grace to help me exactly when I need it every single day.

Today, I woke up feeling low…a continuation of yesterday’s “off” mood. I didn’t go to one class and spent the morning in bed watching TV. I finally woke up to go to my 2^nd class only because we had a test scheduled otherwise I’d probably have stayed in bed all day.

I’m on the bus and all this hopelessness comes upon me and I get this thought, “I don’t think we should go” and I spend the rest of the trip thinking whether that was from God, me or the devil. I get to town and I’m just complaining to God thinking, “If I’ve prayed for a 30k shillings phone and you can’t even give that to me, how am I supposed to trust you to take me to Redding, where the rent is approximately  that much a month? Are you even real? Maybe I should be praying, God if you’re real, get me a phone?!” I was basically a spoiled little brat and if someone I was in a relationship with had said the things I was saying to me, I’d be hurt and a little furious. I’d like to say it wasn’t really about the phone, but it was. Basically I’ve spent so much time complaining and telling God all the things He hasn’t done for me that I expect Him to do if He was real.

I got an email last night about how sometimes people write out the script of their testimony out of a bad situation or whatever and hand God His lines, like, "Here God, learn your part, we're going on camera in 5" and if He doesn't then we get upset and lash out at Him for not sticking to our plan.

Anyway, I get to class and my test was cancelled so I head back home and randomly decide to stop at one of those phone stores with a window display and I’m standing there thinking about the phone I’d want and how much it was, then this guy walks up behind me and He says, “nisaidie madam nisaidie” (help me madam, help me) there was a guy standing next to me so I was obviously the only madam being referred to and I totally ignored him and kept looking at my dream phone. I turn to leave and he’s in front of me and starts saying, “nilikuwa kwa ajali…” (i was in an accident...)and before he finishes, I walk away, and I’m so ashamed to admit this, very rudely.

As I walk I’m thinking, “I only have 150 bob in my pocket, that’s barely enough to cover my fare for tomorrow". Then I start thinking, “Wait, what are the odds this guy would come up to me, just me not the guys standing next to me, and what are the odds it would be when I’m standing looking at the phone I want God to GIVE me?” and I’m like, “Crud! That was Jesus” Not Jesus literally, but that was God perfectly setting up a scenario to bless me and I was acting like a brat!

So I walk back, literally I’d only walked 5 steps away from the shop and when I get back, the guy wasn’t there anymore, I walked around and looked and he wasn’t anywhere to be seen. I know, you’ll tell me the guy wasn't as injured as he claimed he was and probably just ran off, but I’m just not feeling like that was what happened. 

Whether or not it was a “divine encounter” God definitely became more real for me in those 2 minutes. I spend so much time saying, I can’t give money to beggars because they don’t deserve it, why don’t they look for something to sell or something to do to earn money, I’m a hustler too, they’re probably using it for drugs and a million other excuses which are all summed up by “They don’t deserve it.” However, the fact of the matter is, all that God’s given me, all that I expect or demand that He give me, I don’t deserve any of it either. It may not technically be the same, but spiritually it’s exactly the same. 

If God gives me when I don’t deserve it, then who am I to judge someone else’s am circumstances and say they don’t deserve my help. In fact it’s the least God is asking of me, just money. There’ll come a time when He’ll probably ask me for more, time, energy, effort and so on.

I went home feeling horrible. I’d basically looked Jesus in the face and walked away and the verses below came to mind to cement it even more:

Matt 25:31 (NET Bible) “When the Son of Man comes in his glory and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne. 32 All the nations will be assembled before him, and he will separate people one from another like a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left. 34 Then the king will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I was naked and you gave me clothing, I was sick and you took care of me, I was in prison and you visited me.’ 37 Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or naked and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and visit you? 40 And the king will answer them, ‘I tell you the truth, just as you did it for one of the least of these brothers or sisters of mine, you did it for me.’ 41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you accursed, into the eternal fire that has been prepared for the devil and his angels! 42 For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink. 43 I was a stranger and you did not receive me as a guest, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ 44 Then they too will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not give you whatever you needed?' 45 Then he will answer them, ‘I tell you the truth, just as you did not do it for one of the least of these, you did not do it for me.’ 46 And these will depart into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.”

I’m sitting on the bus feeling horrible and then I get this reassurance that thankfully I didn’t completely blow it. You know, not all the times you hear from God or get a new revelation will the end result be laughter and elevation. Sometimes, His lessons are sobering, but the point isn’t to steal our joy, kill our spirit or destroy our relationship with Him. The point is to show us another aspect of our lives we need to work on in order to come into the fullness of life He promised us. You want proof, this matatu pulled up next to us – read the words on the back.

God of A Second Chance

I believe more than anything I’m going where He told me I would go. Will it be easy? No. I’m going to have to get past this selfishness of mine, and being so self-involved that I don’t realize somebody else is going through something bigger than me. I’m going to have to realize I’m never going to feel like I deserve anything He gives me or puts in someone else’s hands to give me. It’s because He loves me. Same way when I can, I should give to show Christ’s love. 

When I receive, I should thank God and use whatever I’ve received for His glory. I might think it’s humility to accept, but the truth is that it’s pride – I don’t want people to have pity on me. It’s robbing glory from God and it’s wrong. I have no control with what people will do with whatever I give them. All I can do is pray for every cent I receive and ask for increase and that it’s used for God’s glory and not for evil.

In the kingdom, if you want to give, you have to receive.

xx

Jo

If Only You Could See Yourself The Way I See You

I feel like the Lord sometimes will tell you stuff ahead of time to prepare you for something that hasn’t yet happened. I know what you’re thinking, “Duh Joanne, it’s called prophecy! Been there for a few thousand years?!” I get it, but I mean to me on a personal level. 

This morning I was sitting on a bus heading to school to do a test (which I’m pretty sure I flunked, what can I say…Economics!) anyway, I’m on this bus listening to talk radio and I feel this love come up all over my heart and I figured, it must be God. So I start praying, or rather, pressing into that because I wasn’t too sure what to say and I hear all these affirmations, “You’re captivating. You’re beautiful. You’re funny. You’re smart. You’re a go-getter. You’re loving.  You’re the best when you’re just you.” I actually did a double take on the “captivating” part, like, “are you really interested in what I have to offer?” He had to say captivating a couple of times for it to sink in. I’m just receiving it and taking it all in. It’s pretty hard to hear all this stuff and you’re not really sure whether to believe it for yourself – whole other blogpost!

Anyway, the day goes on and I get home, watch some TV (Modern Family, the Middle, Pretty Little Liars, Kourtney and Kim Take Miami) guess that’s not some, that’s a lot! Later I watch some iBethel TV which always gets me ready for some worship, so I go to my room and have a pretty great time just singing and loving Jesus. Mom gets home, I drive her out to see my aunt, get home, go on Facebook and read a post by Kris Vallotton about how we should forgive ourselves and stop punishing ourselves. Watch a little more TV and as quick as that love came upon me in the morning, this discouragement lays a firm grip on me.

I’m just thinking about just how tough the past 4 years have been, missing my dad and having this “grey history” and just how horribly some people treated me in this “past life” of mine. On a day to day basis, I’m pretty disconnected from that, I feel like that stuff was a lifetime ago, and like it wasn’t me at all, but there are moment when some of it comes back.

But are you seeing how God kinda prepared me for this onslaught of negative, “you’re not good enough thoughts” by filling me up in the morning. Because He is God, and meets each of us at our point of need, we need to remind ourselves that when we get filled out of His tap, no other source can come close to what He gives us. The grace He gave me in the morning, the new mercies He poured out are more than enough to see me through to the rest of this night without me falling for the enemies lies.

Again this morning I remembered what it feels like to live away from God and when all you hear is that voice that says, “You’ll never make it. You don’t have what it takes. You’re too this, that or the other.” Or when it starts listing out your sins for you and how hard and how often you fell in the past, when it reminds you of the lies you told and of the dark corners you crept in. That to me is attempts at kidnapping your spirit and your mind. So I asked God, “I’m kidnapped a lot, I wonder how much you have to pay for me every time.” And another duh moment God says, “Er, Joanne, the ransom was Jesus…” By this point I’m thinking, “Come on Joanne get it together!” Did I mention I had an Econ test in the morning? #occupiedbraincells #YupIHastagOnBloggerNow

Well, my point is, the voices, the tough hurtful memories, the words people said about me, the value others held me in, the value I held myself in, the mistakes I made, the grief I’ve felt, who I am – faults and all, they’ve all been redeemed by Jesus. I don’t need to hold on to any of that. All I have to do is love Him, let Him love me, do as He does, go where He’s going, think of myself the way He thinks about me, that’s what He paid for. I am for sure responsible for giving Him what He paid for.

xx
Jo

Writing Experiment

I've been reading a couple of new blogs that have completely changed my mindset on writing. I write mostly to summarize the activities of the day and so do these guys but I guess they come at it from a different place, more of descriptive rather than narrative language, such that you feel like you were going through the emotions and the course of the day with them. I'm loving it. So, I thought I'd try it out. I wrote this a while ago after going through a particularly bad day, what better way to start this experiment right?

Here goes;

Driving down the same dead-end route hoping to get to a different destination is an obvious exercise in futility and sadly, over the years, it’s become the foundation of my identity.

The spacious way and the wide gate is where I find myself walking, each time thinking I learnt my lesson, I’m stronger now and I’m ready for whatever comes. Boldly telling the enemy, “You want a piece of this, come and get it.” He does and he wins the battle. 

In the midst of the fight, I think of Him. Him who owns every piece of me, Him whose face I turn away from, Him whose open arms I ignore. I hide my face in shame; I dig deep into the darkness to find cover from the light that always breaks through. I can’t stand the brightness that hurts my eyes every time as they struggle to adjust. If only I’d stayed in the light in the first place, then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much. 

Finally, I dig deep enough and the darkness swallows me. I desperately need the light, I long for it, I crave it, but I can’t move. Not again. I can’t keep doing this. I don’t deserve freedom. I don’t deserve warmth. I definitely don’t deserve those hands always reaching out to me.

The choice has to be made. The door has to be closed. The foothold has to be sawed out. He’ll wash my dusty feet, but isn’t it time to get some shoes? I can come out guns a-blazing as much as I want, but I have to understand when it’s time to retreat. When it’s time to wave the white flag, turn around, get back on the ship and sail away. To realize that the war has already been won and my battles are self-sought, self-propagated and self-lost.

Maybe the crux of the matter is that I look for life everywhere else but from Him who gives it in abundance.

Maybe I haven’t fully believed that the narrow path does lead to life. Maybe it’s time I did. Maybe it’s time I realized no one compares to Him. That He’s the only one who can satisfy me. That my plan is nothing compared to His. That He really truly has me and I can’t close my eyes and pretend He doesn’t and that my actions don’t break His heart.

So I say with the same boldness I had before,

“I quit, you can have this, I don’t want it anymore.

If you want a fight you’ll have to wrestle on your own

Because this isn’t my battle,

My war’s already been won.”

xx

Jo