Mizizi Week 3

I wore the maxi skirt again a couple of weeks ago, and teamed it with this top I’ve had since I was like 14. My mom buys really great stuff, she has an eye for quality and I’m really appreciating that because a lot of the stuff she and I wore in the past are making their rounds back into acceptable fashion. The silver ring, I got for my 21^st birthday.

Mizizi this week was insane! I’ve talked before about how I wanted to maybe go into Pastoral Leadership as a career, so a couple of months ago I decided to get a head start and start serving in Church. So I joined Worship Tea, (yayy!) and I signed up to teach/understudy a beginners course at my Church called Mizizi.

Yesterday it hit me that it isn’t about going and working. Serving is a major Spiritual burst! What I mean is, it pulls so much out of you, you’re constantly expected to grow and change and move out of your comfort zone. Last night I just felt the weight of it. I was just drained. Putting myself out there, sharing my heart with a group of practical strangers, having them share their heart, just the weight of all that.

Then there’s the feeling of, “God, they are so close! Please let them encounter you, please let them encounter you, please don’t let them leave here discouraged and not knowing all that you have to offer”

Then with Worship Team, again a bunch of practical strangers, trying to fit in, having to go all the way across town for fellowship and again, investing relationally and pushing myself out of my shell. Then these thoughts come in, “Why are you doing this? This isn’t a requirement! You’re getting tired for nothing! How safe is it to walk around town at night when you could be at home?”

The fact that I feel like this is an encouragement to me. Christian life isn’t about having this cushy, comfortable, status-quo existence, its active and action packed. Otherwise, stagnate and die. About the stress, I was watching Francis Chan and he said something along the lines of, “Mizizi/Worship Team, this isn’t my party that I’m inviting God to, this is His party that He lets me be a part of. I’m not the one on whose shoulders lie the responsibility of encounter, God is.”

I have to let God come and do what He does, that is, love in His people.

My only job description is to seek God, and put myself in a place where He can fill me up, so that I can pour into others. I have to rely on Him more than ever now because in my passive-church-once-a-week life, I’ve never been in this space where I’m technically “leaking”.

It’s also great because when I start dating and when I get a family, I’m gonna be “leaking” all over that too, so getting into the practice of getting filled up by God so I can pour onto others is a POSITIVE thing.

xo

Jo

We Interrupt Scheduled Posting to Bring You...

...the worst week in history!

I've tweeted a whole bunch about the past two days being a royal suckfest...

Tuesday Night:

Jus overwhelmed wth this absolutely horrible day! It started out great and all went downhill from there...;-(
— Joanne Furaha (@Joannefuraha) October 16, 2012

Wednesday Morning:

Scared to get out of bed n face this day, cant take anymore disapointment n stress, jus keep reminding myself (cont) tl.gd/jm1bj7
— Joanne Furaha (@Joannefuraha) October 17, 2012

Wednesday Afternoon: Wherein I was crying in a bathroom stall in City Campus

And the suckfest continues.....
— Joanne Furaha (@Joannefuraha) October 17, 2012

The worst of it, or the most confusing of it was that that Tuesday, we normally fast as a Mizizi class all day. Speaking of which I even missed my Mizizi class!!! I woke up with crazy syk, totally pumped up, spent like an hour and a half just praying, reading the Bible, worshipping, then I step out of the door and BAM! It all came crashing down...I got caught in a lie with a friend, I had issues registering with school, had to schlep across the city for a class at another campus, the matatu (bus) conductor guy told me he was going to one bus stop (B.S) and he stops the bus at another bus stop 15 minutes away from where I needed to be (OTC) so I had to walk in the hot midday sun, more issues with registration, police through tear gas at some demonstrators so I'm sneezing and coughing through town. Yeah.

Today, woke up for class to the other campus away from the city. Managed to get some notes so I'm like, wow, ok maybe today won't be so bad. Get back to the city, and BAM! Registration issues again, it turns out, I'm not allowed to go to classes at 2 campuses at the same time...ummm....should have told me that before I started attending classes don't you think?! Anyway, I'm just beyond pissed off and just sad. Actually I'm not sad anymore, I'm over it. My mom who should be sad, cause well, she pays the fees, is like, "Get over it! Take life as it comes" and you know what, I will.

Anyway, just thought I'd write this all down so that I can remember I went through this and came out OK in the other side {hopefully}

This whole trying period was good though, this morning I just had to google, "Is it normal to live for God and still have horrible days?" I mean, I was confused and mad, like where's the benefit, if I can spend an hour with God and proceed to have absolutely no favor that day?

The thought/voice/answer/whatever you'll call it, came so clear to me,

It's not about WHAT I have to face, it's about WHO I have to face it WITH!

That's the benefit. God is love, He's not out to ruin my day or not protect me from irritation. I guess I had to learn that I'm not praying/fasting/serving in Church or any of it for what I can get out of it. I'm doing it because LOVE, is utterly in love with me, and I never walk alone...(liverfools! lol)

Anyway, all this inspired the following letter, originally intended for God, but, find your own meaning.

xx
Jo

In The Week of Typhoid...

Guess who's back?! 

After a particularly bad dose of food poisoning bordering on the edge of typhoid and malaria (for real) 2 weeks ago, blogging was the last thing on my mind!

Remember Sunday I went to that mad love concert, (pictures coming up later), Monday, Tuesday I was at school paying my fees and that fateful Tuesday I bought one f those veggie salads from John and Jo's in town, and yes I'm writing their name hadharani (in public) because they almost killed me. 

I went to the counter and asked the girl if they sold salad without dressing and she pulls underneath the counter and gives me one. A logical person would've taken that as a warning sign and been a little wary...not me, I bought it, got home, took a couple of bites, it didn't really taste "right" so I threw it away, but it was too late. 

Source: medschoolsketches.tumblr.com via Kimberly on Pinterest

Thursday night comes along and I'm puking my guts out at 2 in the morning, same thing throughout the weekend. By Saturday morning, I'm slowly feeling my spirit slip away (well-deserved drama queen moment) but, anyway, I was really weak, I couldn't keep anything down, I had a fever, I fainted running to the bathroom to puke again at 2 in the morning and my mum finds me on the floor...really, it was scary, then trying to figure out how she was going to get me to the hospital in the middle of the night!

Got to the clinic a couple of hours later and got a bunch of tests done, got drugged up and got home. Sunday till Thursday, I was in bed recuperating and dealing with the nasty side effects of the drugs they put me under, one was an anti-nausea pill whose side effect was causing lethargy and sleepiness, another was an amoebicide the size of my thumb, and the rest were malaria pills, cough medicine, antibiotics, anti-allergy, antacids, I am telling you, I was a walking pharmacy!!!

Anyway, I'm better now, and I hope you accept my deepest apologies for not being around.

A couple of great things happened while I was sick though;

1. I'm understudying a Mizizi class at Church and obviously couldn't make it to the 1st class, but I was amazingly touched when my "bosses" called me and prayed for me, keeping in mind that at the time I was a complete stranger. (I Love My Church)
2. Bonded with my mom, obviously, seeing as how she was there taking care of me all week.
3. Realized I am not the most inspiring sick person; I barely prayed all week, except the "Oh God, kill me now, I can't take this anymore!" quickly followed by "I was kidding! Please heal me, please, please, please heal me" I mope, I whine, I complain, I'm needy, I need you there to hold my hand, hehe, hope you can deal with me...
4. Realized that because I'm such a needy sick person, I am the most qualified person to take care of a (mildly) sick family member, bring you soup, fluff your pillows, buy your favorite movies...yeah, I'd be awesome...

Apart from all that, I'm good, not eating raw food out of the house for a LOONG time, but I'm good and never taking my health for granted again!

xo

Jo

Getting Personal: Dating

{First posted on Raha and Love}

I don't talk that much about my personal life on my blogs; sure if I have an especially memorable day, I'll flood you with pictures, but that's mostly because I love having a sort of online diary where all my memories and pics are, like Facebook with words and chronology, but other than that, the day to day stuff I keep to myself. Besides, if my entire life and thoughts are here, what fun will there be for people who meet me in real life to get to know me?

I write about lessons I learn and how those apply to my life. Today though, I'll tell you a little about my dating life or lack of...

Didn't date in High School. I just had very great day dreams about a Christian rock-star guitarist whisking me off to get married by the time I turned 21. Seriously, I wanted to get married by 21!

The second I joined college though, suddenly I was flooded with guys! I went on tons of dates, had tons of crushes, a couple of potential boyfriends, none of them worked out. In my head, I still want(ed) that Christian rock-star guitarist and the guys I crushed on wanted that girl who goes clubbing every weekend, which I wasn't. Somewhere in the middle of that though, I caved in and turned into that girl and my Christian rock-star guitarist dream disappeared. About a year later things ended and I finally realized, I can only be me.

Yeah, so I joined Mizizi at Mavuno Church; little by little, God pieced my heart back together, kinda brought me back to myself, restored me...tried dating again here and there but my heart just wasn't in it. So, after a timely message at my Church, I took a 1 year pledge to work on myself and my relationship with God - being the one instead of looking for the one - as we call it. My prayer that day, February 5th was something like,

“Lord, I suck at this dating thing. I really do. I've tried and failed to follow my own way. I don’t want to lead guys on and have a boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend. And Lord, I don’t EVER want to go through this heartbreak ever again and I don't want to break anybody's heart again. Please, I pray that the next person I date, is the one that you would have me marry.”

So, I'm still in the year, not done with the pledge. 2 years after the breakup, I was finally able to close the door with that other guy amicably so there's no bitterness and issues left there, yayy! I got into music and serving in Church which I LOVE!

Learning to let God be my everything. All this other stuff is just details, details that I love, I mean, I love being in love - sweaty palms, heart racing, excited when the phone rings, taking goofy pictures - I love all of that, and I'm praying I get all that some day soon, but really, it's just "all these other things". I'm learning to let God be my everything.  He's the only one that can truly tell me who I'm meant to be and complete me; I don't get fully how He'll do that, but He will.

Yeah, so that's me.

Finally Took The Wet Plunge

Last Tuesday, I went to Church to shoot my video for my testimony. Most of you have already know my testimony. It's just a long complex story and as much as I would have wanted to go into everything, there's only so much you can say in two minutes, you know. So I chose just a part of it and in the editing they emphasized how I dealt with my dad's death. I didn't see it, but I hope it turned out o.k, and helped someone going through the same thing.

So, the weekend of my baptism finally arrived. Saturday morning I woke up with a panic attack because I thought it was Sunday. I have to admit, I was more than a little nervous taking the plunge, and I mean that literally and figuratively.

It's no secret that this salvation thing has been a struggle for me. I have great days, good days and bad days. I have extended periods of bad days and amazingly sweet and thoughtful good days. I have this pestering fear that maybe this is all just a phase and I'll just backslide again...that's not the fear exactly, the fear is that now that I know what it's like to be saved and rely on God, how will I survive if I backslide and mess up so bad, God, you know, leaves me.

This baptism was just a big deal to me because, in many ways it was like a wedding. It's something that I waited a long time for, it's something that took a lot of preparation for and it's something I only want to do once in my life because the change has already been made permanent.

Sunday was a lot better, I woke up pretty relatively calm. I decided I wasn't going to put a lot of pressure on myself, to be perfect or anything, but to just go as I was. My mum took me to Church, my Lifegroup unfortunately didn't manage to make it on time except for one of my closest friends. On a side note, I know I love my mom more than anything, but seeing her standing there with me and taking me through that, I just LOVED her SO MUCH MORE if that's even possible. It was just so cute, she took pictures and she was holding my hand. I was really happy and that was definitely one of the best days, actually, the best day of the year thanks to her, and her love.

My little testimony video played in Church, 2 minutes later, it was all:

"Do you accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your Saviour?"
"I do."


"Do you renounce satan and all his works?"
"I do" 


"I now baptize you in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit."

That's me under water.

Cut to water painfully shooting up my nose, tears in my eyes, freezing in the wind, changing in a tiny bathroom stall and back to Church. It all went pretty fast and it's still sinking in, but I have to say as much as it wasn't all doves settling on my head or me being struck down by the "Power" It was still an amazing experience.

I can't say I think that water baptism is the only way to heaven. I know there's been a lot of debate on that. I believe that accepting Jesus is the only way, but for me, it's something to draw from. You know, in the tough times I'll remember Sunday the 10th of April and I'll remember whose I am. To me it was also like, I know I've been forgiven, but there's just something symbolic about getting into the water with all your issues and them being washed away completely. Like a cleansing or a purging. It was also like a covenant for me, at least with what I learnt in my Religious Ed classes:

• Statement of agreed terms
• An oath by both parties to observe the terms
• Consequences upon breach
• The formal ratification by the external act
• Witnesses

Though I'm weak and I might fall away, God never breaks His covenant.

Oh and guess what I bought for myself:

Yup, the NIV One Year Bible. I decided yesterday, even if I technically had no one to make a big deal about this day, I would make a big deal out of it myself. That's one of the reasons I miss my dad sometimes. My dad was over the top when it came to celebrations, Christmas, he was the one who set up the tree and the house every year, and stayed up with me past midnight on New Year's when the rest of my family was asleep. My birthdays, he always asked me if I was throwing a party and if I was he would be most involved in it. He was just like me, or rather I'm just like him, because we both save old cards, we both like to give cards, we're both into celebrating every single thing.

I have to admit, I was a bit disappointed and felt kinda bad that my LG and friends didn't make it for the baptism and didn't want to hang out and go for lunch, like we'd planned for Sunday, but instead of getting into that, I understood them, that this wasn't like a big deal kind of thing to other people and that's cool.

Since it is to me, however,  I did what I'd have expected to be done, bought myself a Bible, bought me and my mom lunch, we ate pizza and Steers fried chicken and fries, she caught on to the festive spirit and baked me two cakes, needless to say, today we were first at the store to buy Tums, we were so sick!

At least with the Bible I'll be more able to keep up with the readings than through PDF. It's really good, small, convenient to carry around, plus it's not an "in your face Bible" you know what I mean, it won't make you look or feel "Holier than thou" when you take it out to read in a bus or on a queue. It's just cool and understated. Every day also has a highlighted verse, so even the days you're not feeling theological and you're really not in the mood to delve deeply into the readings at least you'll have one verse to go with.

Anyway, it wasn't a "perfect day" but it was an amazing one. April 10th, my B-Day.

My "Create" Application

I'm sitting here in my new little flat/bedsitter, drinking yogurt out of a wine glass that's more of a champagne flute, or somewhere in between, because everything tastes better out of a "wine flute" hahaha, watching Fareed's "Comedy Club Live" on Mnet, and my feet soaking in hot water. I simply cannot think of what would make this day better. I'm totally living the good life at this very second.

I'm finally all moved in, just a couple of things left here and there. I love this house. It's mine. Aaaah!

So, Pastor M just finished the series on Create and this was my Create solution. I mean, the Sunday he preached about how we should look at the systems in place, I was totally worn out from commuting 5 hours every day going to school and I was on the brink of a breakdown, trying to jeep up with classes and studying. Monday morning I realized, why aren't I taking advantage of the system in place, which is off-campus housing.

I can say it was really a message from God, because, I didn't struggle at all. My mom didn't put up too much of a fight and she ended up supporting me. The building I wanted and the house I wanted were all available. The move itself I can say was a lot easier than I thought it would be, I mean it was expensive as heck and it took three trips to move all my stuff in, but otherwise it was good, mostly because my boy BFF did all the heavy lifting. Oh and my aunt gave me a TV for free.

I went shopping for some stuff on Sunday with one of the girls from my Mizizi class and my girl BFF which was tons of fun.

So this is my first day here and I'm loving it so far.

Apartment Updates 1

So, exciting news. I found a TV for my place. It used to be our TV but in some way, it ended up being my aunt's TV, so I had to ask her for it. I thought she'd say no, but she said I could pick it up tomorrow. It's not ideally whta I want, I mean, it's too big for a tiny house like mine, but I'm glad to have it at least until I save up some money to buy a smaller one.

I also stocked up the kitchen, I got a dish rack, plates, glasses, gas. There are some glasses I looked at that I liked and I'll save up to buy those too.

I don't have a couch, I think that's a couple of months away, hopefully after I've made enough money from the internship I'm hoping to get.

As for the flat in question...I still don't have one. You see, my BFF found me that place in his building, but then another friend of mine from my Mizizi class is also looking for me. So, I've kinda put the BFF on hold waiting to see if I can get a better deal. Hopefully though, by next week I'll be done and all moved in.

My mom is behind me, it just feels so weird, ah, I'm growing up.

Where I'm At...In Need of HELP

Where I'm at, at this moment, is a not so good place. I don't know why, but the last couple of days I've been feeling so out of whack, and it all relates with one thing, which is the issue of surrender we dealt with in Mizizi last week.

Here I am thinking that I've surrendered everything and like, you know what God, if you take away everything, I'm still gonna be good.

Really though, I can't say I'm there yet. I still want what I want. Like with school, I'm nowhere near where I want to be, and I'm so...(and yes I mean the following word with all the hurt and negativity it connotes)...ANGUISHED... about what I'm going to do about that whole situation. I honestly do not think I can make it big, if at all, and that thought terrifies me, because if I don't have school, if I don't have that big graduation party for all my family and my mom's friends, if I don't have that assurance and hope that I'm going to be able to get that fabulous job, what do I have? How that relates to God is like, how can YOU save me from this situation? How did YOU let me get to this place?

Then there's the whole thing of, o.k. and I mean this in the kindest way possible...friends of mine in relationships, dispensing advice like they're experts or something, I mean I appreciate it, but it's also condescending saying stuff to me like, "Tulia my dear, if it's meant to be it'll be, usiharakishe maisha dear" loosely translated that mean, "Relax my dear, if it's meant to be it'll be, don't hurry life dear" which honestly to me sounds like, "Haha, I know better than you, I'm in a relationship and you aren't. You're such a loser" O.k, I may be overreacting, but really, to me, that's what it sounded like. I mean, I can't even express my opinion on stuff like Valentine's Day without someone else jumping down my throat and saying, "Huwezi elewa, ngoja ufike hapa" which means "You can't understand unless you're in a relationship" I mean, I look at all these people and think...a lot of things, haha, but mostly I think, why am I still stuck with attracting these losers? (Losers in the sense that they're players or liars, not in an offensive way) Why am I the one spending Christmas and New Years and VALENTINES alone?

My issue is, God let so many negative people enter my life when I wasn't saved, yeah? Well doesn't it stand to reason that when I am saved He should lead positive people into my life. Yes, I have my Mizizi group and I recognize that and I'm thankful for that, but I mean, like in life outside church, like at school and home and just around.

Another issue is, if I've surrendered all these stuff that I love to God, like saying "God, I give you all this stuff that I love, I choose you above it all" and He, well, takes them...why doesn't He also take the negative stuff, the stuff that I don't want, like these feelings of anxiety and depression and sadness. Truly, I don't want to live my life apart from God, but why does He let it be so easy for me to be separated from Him.

Really, to be honest, I miss my dad SO MUCH. It's been almost 2 years since he passed away, and you'd think it would be getting easier, but, I'm finding myself more and more and like, minute by minute, trying to hold back tears. Like today, I found this painted soapstone I bought on a class trip to Rift Valley when I was like 10 years old, and I scratched out, "I love you Dad" on it. I bought one for my dad, mom and sister, (because I was sweet like that haha) Anyway, in a few months my sister had broken hers and my mom had lost hers. Years later in High School, I saw my dad with this chain around his neck, not like a pretty chain, but just simple that he made at home. What he'd done is that he'd actually drilled a whole through that soapstone and he wore it around his neck. Like, I never asked him to, and it was like 7 years later, but he'd kept it, and even when I was going through my "moody-teen-years" and fought with him and stuff, he wore that thing. That just...I can't describe, how it felt and still feels. I miss him and I'm absolutely gutted.

In Mizizi, we learnt that when dealing with issues of surrender, we find it difficult, because of two main doubts that we carry. First, we doubt God's ability. Second, we doubt God's willingness.

I don't doubt God's ability. I mean...it's God. It's the same God who split the sea so the Israelites could walk through, and even closer home, it's the same God who opened doors for Pastor Daniel and the elders of the Church in Berlin who were looking for a pastor to connect, and hence continue with the Mavuno Germany project.

His willingness, for me, is however in doubt. A lot of times it feels like God just throws me into stuff to see how I'll react, and to go like, "Hahaha, angels, hurry up with the popcorn! Jesus, come look at that silly girl, can you believe she actually fell for that? Hahaha"

Again, I don't want to sound ungrateful, or be misunderstood. God, saved me from a lot, and He's brought me really far from where I was, and I have amazing new friends out of Mizizi and I'm SOOOO THANKFUL for that. I wish I could shake this feeling. I honestly have no idea what to do.

It's Not About Who You Have Around You

Today I read:

• Exodus 29:1-30:10
• Matthew 26:14-46
• Psalm 31:19-24
• Proverbs 8:14-26

Photo Credit: Mavuno Website

I was so struck by how real and human Jesus was at this point. He was seriously freaking out and scared knowing what was coming. It was probably the hardest part of His life, and He even prayed for God to take the cup away, but His prayer solidifies what I said in the morning. Jesus didn't pray, "God, take away this cup of suffering from me, or I'll never forgive You, and I'll never speak to You again." Like I would have done, instead He focussed on His relationship with God, recognizing Him as His father, the author of everything, and God as Potter and Him as clay. He says, " "My Father, if this cup of suffering cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done."

I used to think that if I said "Let your will be done" at the end of every prayer, then it would be like I didn't have faith in what I was praying, you know what I'm saying, because all these "experts" tell us, you have to ask for what you want and believe it with all your heart then you'll get it. I'm not saying that's not entirely true, but, God will always focus more on your heart, on the building of a friendship and relationship, than our shopping-wish list. If he doesn't give you what you ask for, will you still be buddies with Him?

Even on a human level, I get absolutely annoyed by those people who don't talk to you for ages, then out of the blue get in touch when they need something from you. I am one of those people, but that's another story, the point is, that's not how friendships or relationships are built. It's about being there in boring times and fun times, in success and in failure, in sickness and in health, in laughter and tears, through all the fights and fears, it's basically just being there. He's there for us, would we be there for Him?

Another way that He was so human was that he had friends who kinda let Him down when He most needed them. Don't we all go through that though. I've come to realize, sometimes it's not just about who you have around you, it's about who you have above you. The people around you may be amazing and full of the best intentions, like Peter, vehemently declaring he would never deny Jesus and he would even die with Him if that's what it came to. However, life happens.

Matthew 26:40_41  Then he returned to the three disciples and found them asleep; and he said to Peter, "How is it that you three were not able to keep watch with me for even one hour? Keep watch and pray that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." 

A few hours after saying he would die with Jesus, Peter couldn't even do something 10 times simpler like stay awake! Afterwards, he did end up denying Jesus because he was afraid of death. Peter wasn't a bad guy, just like our friends (or even us) aren't bad people, sometimes stuff just happens. The one thing we can always rely on though, is God.

Mizizi

Photo Credit: Mavuno Website

From the reading today, I was totally encouraged to participate in Church...not just in attendance. I love my church because of the people, the ushers smiling and saying hi, and the worship team being so fun and exciting and everyone else. So, it's just logical that I participate and give another person the same experience I get every Sunday. So, hopefully, I'll figure that out as time goes on.

Prayer and Pottery

Photo Credit: Mavuno Website

I think the biggest lesson I've learnt the last two weeks through Mizizi is how prayer isn't just a list of stuff that God has to answer, it's more of the relationship that He wants us to have with Him. Like in Mark 1, once word had spread that Jesus could heal people, he started preaching in the outskirts, so people would have to look for Him. Also, like Rick Warren says in The Purpose Driven Life, "God's goal for your life isn't comfort, but character development. He wants you to grow up spiritually and become like Christ"

Also, the story of Jeremiah watching the potter,


Jeremiah 18:1-6  The LORD said to me, "Go down to the potter's house, where I will give you my message." So I went there and saw the potter working at his wheel. Whenever a piece of pottery turned out imperfect, he would take the clay and make it into something else. Then the LORD said to me, "Don't I have the right to do with you people of Israel what the potter did with the clay? You are in my hands just like clay in the potter's hands. 

Photo Credit: Bill Longshaw

We have to constantly ask ourselves, am I living as the clay in God's hands, eager and willing for Him to change me and change my character, or do I constantly try to make God fit into my mold, shape Him in the way that I want Him to be. Rick Warren says again, "Never forget that life is not about you! You exist for God's purposes, not vice versa, God gives us our time on earth to build and strengthen our character for heaven.

Also, that in prayer, sometimes we focus so much on the result or the answer and not on God. For example, when my dad was sick, a pastor during a prayer day thing, told me that my dad would get better, and he didn't and for a long time I blamed this pastor, and was angry at her and at God, but last week the group helped me realize, that I had focussed so much on what the pastor had said, God had temporarily taken a back seat, I mean, I know that wasn't the reason he died, but that gap I created between me and God, definitely affected my reaction to it, and the subsequent events I did.

Hiatus

So, I kinda took an impromptu hiatus. I know, I've been doing that a lot recently, but for valid reasons:
Internet Poblems
Eye problems

Yup, I guess all those long hours spent in front of my trusty Mario (my laptop, yes, we've already established I'm the crazy lady who names her electronics lol) have finally caught up with me. My eyes have been giving me so much trouble the last few weeks, not in big ways just like dryness and straining like when I'm driving at night or under fluorescent lights, anyway long story short, I'm getting glasses this week. Still have to figure out the style, I still have to look good!

To catch up, we had our Mizizi Half Day of Prayer and Fasting. It was amazing, 3 hours praying, I mean, at first it's like, what am I going to say for 3 hours???? But, they gave us this little guide and time was over before I was even done talking, I'd definitely do it again.

So you remember that guy I saw and got an enormous crush on, well I saw him again that Saturday, long story short, still crushing big time. Oh, and he talked to me *gush* *gush*!!!!

Anyway, after that, we went to have pizzas and chicken and rice and sodas with my Mizizi class, I've not had that much fun in ages, I came to realize, life is what you put into it. Like, if you invest in this class and in friendships and in being the one to text people and not just wondering "why does no one ever talk to me?" life pays you back positively. I opened up to my class, I told them the embarrassing things I tell you guys over here, like about that guy I have a huge crush on, and I'm still laughing about it now.

Sunday was awesome too, albeit a little uncomfortable, but awesome, the sermon was challenging, but more on that later. My whole family came home, i.e. my brothers and sisters and the niece and nephew. Plus my grandmother's in town, she had a doctor's appointment and she slept over at our house. If you could maybe pray for her to get better, I'd really appreciate it.

And today, after driving my grandma to her fancy clinic, I went to the eye doctor, or rather I schlepped all the way to my not so fancy hospital, Kenyatta....hey, don't knock it, it's an 1/9th the price of that clinic which basically means, it's free!!!

That was however cancelled out when I spent money on a liter of yogurt and fries later today.

Then, I went back to my old school, for the first time since the infamous break-up, but it wasn't that bad, and I didn't feel like everyone was looking at me thinking, "I know how you were dumped last September" hahaha! Then dropped by to see my nephew, who's growing so fast, at 7 months he's already almost crawling...I'm sorry I'm not a mom, so I don't know if that's a big deal, but to me it is, because just yesterday, I was scared to touch him because he was so tiny, now he's so big and he can't sit still, and he walks by himself on those baby walker thingies. That boy is going to be a genius someday and I said it here first.

Anyway, I haven't posted Bible Readings for a while, but I'll be back soon, yes, I've been reading, but it's not the same without writing, so in that sense I feel like I've been missing out.

Here's me, hoping I see that guy again :-) not for any reason, I remember very well, I'm supposed to stay single for a while, but just to be friends, he looks like a fun guy. Honest!

Happy New Month!!!

I've been so bad at updating the las few days and I have no idea how I'll catch up on writing all the Bible readings I've been doing, but today I just woke up feeling like I have to write about how good God's been to me after Worship Night and Church on Sunday. You know, how people's lives get changed by stuff like that, well finally I was one of those people!!!

The thought of God and who He is, and the faith I have has grown so much, like a few days ago reading Psalms 24, on how great God is, I just welled up with so much joy :-) and adoration. My oride is slowly but surely going out the window and I'm beginning to trust more.

To be quite honest with you, I skipped past the readings from Exodus, at least until the actual exodus when Pharaoh finally let the Israelites go. It was just too hard for me to understand and I gave up. But I did keep up with the others, and hopefully by the end of the week I'll have gotten enough time to go back and read the parts I jumped.

Today, though I read,

• Exodus 13:17-15:18
• Matthew 21:23-46
• Psalm 26:1-12
• Proverbs 6:16-19

I loved how God led the Israelites, and I'm praying he leads me too. It's so true how God said He wouldn't lead them through the easy shortcut through, what was it Philistia?...

Exodus 13:17  When the king of Egypt let the people go, God did not take them by the road that goes up the coast to Philistia, although it was the shortest way. God thought, "I do not want the people to change their minds and return to Egypt when they see that they are going to have to fight." 

That is so true, because which one of us, knowing that life isn't all flowers and sunshine we'd think or hope for after salvation, wouldn't take the chance to go back and forget about the whole thing. Better the devil you know than the angel you don't right? Well God who made us, understands our psychology, and how we think. He was the programmer of our reactions. Last week in my Mizizi class one of the girls said something so simple but so powerful that I'd never thought of. God made us in His image, so all these thought and feelings and hormones and emotions and temptations, none of this is new to Him. I mean we go around carrying the heaviest of stuff, I think burden is the right word, so we go around carrying the heaviest of burdens, thinking God would never understand. But, He made us in His own image!!! Do you get that?

Now, like I said before, I have become somewhat of a Psalm girl. I love the praise, and seeing God as all these different things, a mighty warrior, strong tower, defender, the greatest love David experienced...

Psalm 26:3  Your constant love is my guide; your faithfulness always leads me. 

Mizizi

Yesterday, I got a call from my Mizizi Facilitators' Understudy, reminding me of the Church fast this month and asking me if I'd been keeping up with my readings and memory verses. Bloggy-world, I haven't. But I'm doing that now:

Week 1 Memory Verse

1 John 5:11-12 And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life and this life is in His Son. He who has the Son has life. He who does not have the Son of God does not have life.

Week 2 Memory Verse

Hebrews 4:16 Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Prayer for Today & The Month

Lord, thank you so much for the start of this new month. The "month of love". Lord thank you for my Church. Please help Mavunites and grant us grace to finish what we have chosen to do this month. Please let this be an extraordinary experience, a month of joy and bonding with You. Let it be a mark of our longing for You and that we would see You work around each of us as we humble ourselves before You. Lord, change us day after day. Let this time be acceptable to You and may it be a season of transformation in each of our lives. Help us overcome anything that may stand in our way. God we commit our lives to You. 

For me, thank you for the joy you have given me in You, and in who You are and what You're about. Father God, in what I am about to do today, please give me words that can only come from you. Please change my heart. Please help me let it go and move on to the great things You have in store for me. Thank you Jesus. In Your name I pray.

Amen

Listening to God

Today I read:

• Exodus 4:1-5:21
• Matthew 18:1-20
• Psalm 22:19-31
• Proverbs 5:15-21

Mizizi

Listening to God:

A good tool is WRAP

• Worship
• Read
• Apply
• Pray

He DID Speak!!! :-)

You know why I love blogging, because of all the other bloggers in the world who are older and much wiser than me, and somehow, I always manage to stumble or rather Google always happens to lead me to the most useful people and those people lead me to other people and so on and so forth. Well, after my downer of a post this morning, I can officially say my faith has been shaken and stirred quite a bit today, first there was what I read in the:

Word Challenge

• Exodus 2:11-3:22
• Matthew 17:10-27
• Psalm 22:1-18
• Proverbs 5:7-14

Matthew 17:20  "It was because you do not have enough faith," answered Jesus. "I assure you that if you have faith as big as a mustard seed, you can say to this hill, 'Go from here to there!' and it will go. You could do anything!" 

Jesus talks about faith like this, but I think that to an extent it's been a verse so badly used sometimes in the sense that, when bad things happen, the Christians that think "they have it all together" come up to you and say, "maybe you didn't have enough faith" or the people who don't believe in God will come up and say, "where did all your faith take you?"

Jesus talked about faith like this when he knew bad things were about to happen to Him. Which was even prophesied in the Psalm for today, where the crucifixion thing was detailed. He knew it was coming, but He still urged the disciples to have faith. Things won't always work out the way you want them to. You'll never live in a world without fear or pain, but I think what Jesus was saying here is that this isn't our battle to fight. The disciples couldn't just rely on their limited abilities to heal the epileptic man, they had to have faith in a God above them, know with absolute conviction that they were never alone.

Exodus 3:11-12  But Moses said to God, "But I am a nobody. How can I go to the king and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?" God answered, "I will be with you, and when you bring the people out of Egypt, you will worship me on this mountain. That will be the proof that I have sent you." 

It's normal to have moments where you wonder "God, are you for real? Out of the billions of people in this world, why would you to talk to me?" But, I think the point in faith, at least faith in God, and faith in all these little "God-Incidences" is believing that you are never alone. Maybe it's true, God does send these little mini-burning bushes our way to tell us that in our own small way, God has called us for something and to show us, "He will be with us" and that He's always with us.

Speaking of such moments, I found a blog called Muthering Heights where she's doing a bit if a series called, How Big Is Your But which speaks of all the times God can call you to something and we offer up excuses and reasons why we can't do it, or why we wouldn't be the right fit. I thought it was pretty cool and timely for me.

Another great post was from Like a Warm Cup of Coffee where Sarah Mae writes about the power we give guilt in our lives....anyway, I won't spoil it for you, head over and read it, even till the comments because ther's some pretty good stuff down there too. I think I'll write more on that and how it related with my very weird day today in my next post.

Mizizi

To kinda slap me over the head with the truth once and for all, my Mizizi reading today is also about how God speaks to us.

"God speaks to us regularly for encouragement, to build our faith, to teach us, to warn us and to reveal His purpose for our lives so that we can accomplish His purposes"....Mizizi Workbook

The truths that struck me most about the ways God uses to speak to me were;

• The Bible "It reveals the nature of God, not just what He said and did in the past but also what He has to say to us today"
• Through His people, like the girls in my Mizizi class. The workbook said "God will often speak to others in a way that confirms what He is already speaking to us through His Word"
• Through circumstances, though it's a bit tricky because sometimes things just happen, but God will never lead us in a direction contrary to His word. Like today, the circumstance was taking William Pro for a service with my brother-in-law.....details in the next post.

Anyway, it's been a great day and I can't wait to grow more! Stay tuned :-)

Prayer for Today

Lord, thank you for the many ways in which you speak to me. Help me learn to have faith in your voice, listen to it and also teach me to obey it.

Coincidences

This isn't more of a confession, but a realization. I'm not really a faith-filled person. I mean, yes, I know God is there and yes, I believe in Jesus, but really in more of an "out there in the sky, far away" kinda way not the "near and dear" kinda way.

I know I've said this before, but this became more clear to me after my first Mizizi class yesterday. I get to class and the way it was and the people I met, or at least one person I met.....I mean could it be just a coincidence that I was placed in this particular group with this lady who I have so much in common with. I mean we've gone through so much of the same experiences and Spiritually, she's where I'd like to be someday, so was it just a coincidence that I was placed in this particular group or was it God, you know, placing me in the right place so I could grow?

Another thing is, is it just a coincidence that there aren't any men in my group hahaha! I have to admit I was pretty disappointed and I was looking around the other groups like, "come here!" hahaha, but it's cool, I mean I set out to do this to make great female friends. That teaches me to be careful what I pray for!! :-) But again, was that just a coincidence or did God place me in that particular group for that particular reason.

I mean, shouldn't a good Christian be able to look at everything through umm... "faith-lenses", look at everything as an act of God. But, me, and I hate saying this, yet again, but I don't believe in anyone or anything anymore. I mean I don't want to be disappointed. Whether it's friends, or relationships or God.

For example, when my dad was sick. In my head, I was thinking if Derek Shepherd from Grey's Anatomy was real, I would do anything in my power to find him, because according to the show, he would be the only one who could know how to help me out, but since there was no Derek Shepherd, all I could believe in was God. The doctors couldn't operate, and we didn't even want them to try, because of how the cancer was weaved in his brain. All I could have faith in and all I could believe in was God. Then the whole thing of the pastor who came to pray for me and told me how "God had seen my tears in the night", and how "they wouldn't be in vain" and how "my dad wouldn't die because God had a purpose for him" etc etc, and I held on to that, because you know, it was a pastor saying that, then a couple of weeks later, he did die.

I know, I made this choice to follow God, but it's with a tentative heart that I do so, at least for now. I'd rather limit my beliefs and not expect too much, so that I'm not disappointed and we can still carry on as friends, rather than be disappointed and feel betrayed and then who would I turn to?

That is just where my heart is at, right now. But, I do promise to try, at least for the next 7 weeks, to look at the small coincidences as what do they call it, God-incidences. I'll try and stir my faith up a bit.

Whose Report

Today I read:

Word Challenge

• Genesis 46:1-47:31
• Matthew 15:1-28
• Psalm 19:1-14
• Proverbs 4:14-19

Jesus really emphasizes how important it is to have a clean heart: 

Matthew 15:8, 18   'These people, says God, honor me with their words, but their heart is really far away from me......... the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these are the things that make you ritually unclean.

Personally I have a hard time guarding my heart, I mean I've been so used to having the wrong thoughts and routines that it's hard to change. Also in the sense that I give my heart away a little bit too freely, and part of the reason why I pledged to be single for the next few months is because I've given away my heart so freely in the past, I'm afraid I won't have anything left to give when it counts. So I'm taking time to build my heart back up. 

Two things I love here, we need to constantly look at our hearts and make sure that what we're doing isn't just an outward act of worship, but that your heart is drawing closer to God. Second, we really need to watch what we say because our words reflect the conditions of our hearts Third, we need to guard our hearts against all these evil things He goes on to list. For more emphasis against guarding yourself, God throws in:

Proverbs 4:15  Don't do it! Keep away from evil! Refuse it and go on your way. 

Today was a worship-full day and Psalms 19 is an extension of that.

Mizizi

A lot of time I find myself doubting the change that God has worked out in my life. I read from another blogger Sarah Mae that we all have some core lies that we believe about ourselves, and this point was emphasized for me,  in today's Mizizi reading. Some of mine are;

1. You're a nobody - John 1:12 - I am God's child
2. God can't like someone like me - John 15:15 - I am Christ's friend
3. But what about all those evil things you've done - Romans 8:1 - I am free from condemnation
4. You'll backslide in a few weeks - Romans 8:35 - I cannot be separated from the love of God
5. Bad things will still happen to you - Romans 8:28 - I am assured all things work together for good
6. You'll never make it - Philippians 1:6 - I am confident the good work Christ began in me will be perfected
7. Evil will destroy you - 1 John 5:18 - I am born of God and the evil one can't touch me
8. Why are you getting so 'fanatical' about serving God - 1 John 15:16 - I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit

Prayer For Today

Dear God, thank you for the great worship experience you gave me today. Thank you for my new identity in you. Help me to begin to live out that new identity as a new person in everything I do. Please help me rebuild and guard my heart so that the good work you began in me will be perfected. Please also let me always make sure you alone are the object of my worship, and that it's not just an outward show.

Sailing Beyond The Feelings...

I've hit a bit of a slump in the Word Challenge, I think it's because now I've got to a place of familiar territory, stories that I've heard all the time in Sunday School and C.R.E classes in High School and also maybe because it's been a weird week and my mood is just all over the place.
I'm praying I get better soon because this is starting to feel more like a routine than a "life-changing 30 minutes" :-) well except for the Mizizi readings which I still have psych for. What is it they say, "feelings change like the weather and they shouldn't be the basis for your decisions" I don't know something like that. So despite how I felt,

Today I read:

Word Challenge

• Genesis 44:1-45:28
• Matthew 14:13-36
• Psalm 18:37-50
• Proverbs 4:11-13

Mizizi

Romans 6:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

"God has given us a wonderful gift. It's the promise not just of a clean slate, but of a full life. A significant life. A life that really matters. Living for what you were created for. Everything else pales next to this gift. As Jesus said in John 10:10, 'I have come that you may have life and have it to the full.' "

Prayer For Today

Dear God, thank you for the solution to the problem of my sin and for your gift of salvation and eternal life. You also know especially what this day means for me, and I pray that you give me faith and strength.

Amen

Dependability

Hey all, I've got a pretty busy day today so I'm just going to rush through this post a little:

Today I read:

Word Challenge

• Genesis 42:18-43:34
• Matthew 13:47-14:12
• Psalm 18:16-36
• Proverbs 4:7-10

I loved;

Psalm 18:30  This God---how perfect are his deeds! How dependable his words! He is like a shield for all who seek his protection. 

That's what I'll carry with me today, whatever may come, God's words are dependable.

Mizizi

Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God

Like we learnt yesterday a wrong view of God leads to a weak and ineffective Christian Life and ultimately rebellion. Some of the ways I've rebelled against God include; feeling He's not enough and searching to fill that 'void' in other ways. Inadequate ways that I've used to try and restore my relationship with God include thinking that good works alone will be enough. Some consequences if sin that I've experienced are pain and hurt, regrets, losing money carelessly, etcetera....

Prayer For Today

God, forgive me for my rebellion against you. Help me avoid sin and live a life that honors you. Also would like to pray for my mom's friend who lost her husband to armed robbers yesterday, and for her kids. God, I know what they're going through and I pray for peace and comfort for them. Also, thank you my family, T-Dubz, my friends, my LG, Lord please continue protecting them and be with them today.

Amen

Images from Mavuno Website

He Always Makes The First Move

Today I read:

Word Challenge

• Genesis 41:17-42:17
• Matthew 13:24-46
• Psalm 18:1-15
• Proverbs 4:1-6

Joseph's success story continues as he's made "vice president of operations" by age 30. His brothers come to Egypt to buy food and he throws them in jail so that his full brother Benjamin could come and see him. (Honestly who wouldn't do that given the chance hahaha)

Jesus also continues with the parables from yesterday.

What I'm taking away today, and what I need to remember most is this:

Psalm 18:1 How I love you, LORD! You are my defender. 

Psalm 18:2 The LORD is my protector; he is my strong fortress. My God is my protection, and with him I am safe. He protects me like a shield; he defends me and keeps me safe. 

Mizizi

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope."

God created me for a relationship with Him. But it sort of feels like this relationship is really hard, I mean, in the first phase it's a big chase, Him reaching out and me hiding, and now it's me seeking. I want to get started already! :-) God made me for a purpose, what is it?

Prayer for Today

Thank you for loving me, for making the first move and for making me so uniquely...I'd also like to lift up my family, T-Dubz, my friends and my life group,those who are sick, like Joanne Heim and many more, here in Nairobi and everywhere, please help them get better and be with their families also. Grant me wisdom and insight as I head to school and please go before me and open up some doors :-) In Jesus name.

Amen!

Thorn Bushes and Good Soil

So, the format of these "Today I read" posts is going to be a bit different from here on out because now I'm doing both the Bible study and daily studies for Mizizi. It still just took only 30 minutes!!

Today I read:

Bible Challenge

• Genesis 39:1-41:16
• Matthew 12:46-13:23
• Psalm 17:1-15
• Proverbs 3:33-35

Matthew 13:22-23  The seeds that fell among thorn bushes stand for those who hear the message; but the worries about this life and the love for riches choke the message, and they don't bear fruit. And the seeds sown in the good soil stand for those who hear the message and understand it: they bear fruit, some as much as one hundred, others sixty, and others thirty." 

I love it because it describes me :-)

I also loved the story of how God was always with Joseph. He knew Joseph hadn't done anything wrong and He elevated him in slavery and even in prison. I also loved Joseph's spirit, I'm amazed for the second time, (first with Esau) how these guys could manage to live their lives without any bitterness in their hearts despite how life and the people in their lives (their own brothers) treated them.

Mizizi

Jeremiah 29:13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your hearts

"A faulty picture of God will lead to either a weak and ineffective Christian life or to rejecting God altogether" Pastor M

I've carried a faulty view of God as a VIP. Far off into the horizon, almost like an MP or Hollywood celebrity, he's there, affecting your life in one way or another, after a lot of hard work and through many other people you can get to talk to him and maybe give him your views and ask for something but you aren't really in a relationship. You aren't really tight and there still things that you try and hide from him.

The danger of this view is that I haven't really been able to talk to Him or experience everything He's got to offer.

Prayer for today;

God,  I hope I get to that point some day, the ability to let it all go and have faith and trust, not let other people's actions or words change me or lead me into destruction, but instead to end up in a place of leadership and success. Please make yourself known to me through my time in the Mizizi course and help me understand who you truly are.

Images from mavuno website