Monday Commentary: The Hunger Games

This weekend at Mavuno we kicked off a new series led by my favorite, Pastor Simon "the man" Mbevi. You can watch it here or read the sermon notes below, bless you guys!

"This month we will be talking about the games of life. Everyone wants the best out of life. You want to live well. But how can one maximize on the short life we have here? Is it possible to find true satisfaction, for real, in this life? And if so, how? How can we score consistently in this game?
The preacher in Ecclesiastes 1:2 says something depressing: Meaningless! Meaningless! Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless! Was he just having a bad day or is it the depressing reality?

We will look at 4 basic rules of the game of life. These guidelines ensure you play the right game, in the right way to get the right scores. Put your sports gear on, and lets go to the field! I will be your trainer and a fellow player for the next 4 weeks. Let’s get to the field, for Training Session 1."

Click to Keep Reading or watch the video after the jump:

  

Fearless Summit 2012

I don’t remember if I ever did a recap for Fearless Summit at Church I went to in June. I was going through my computer and found these pictures and I got happy all over again:

1. Swag bag
2. First Day Outfit
3. Meeting my most favorite Kenyan singer Atemi Oyungu (Please come sing at my wedding!)
4. Me and Pastor Daniel from Mexico; this guy was awesome!
5. Swag bag
6. My friend Sally (from Worship Team) and I

We got to hear from some amazing speakers!

1. Kenton Beshore from Mariners Church
2. Esther Obasi-Ike (Eish, this woman was IT!)
3. Session hosts were Gowi Odera and Angie Gichuhi
4. Pastor Simon shares with us
5. Background pic, camera, equipment and crew
6. We had a game where we had to throw balloons at each other across the dome
7. Prashan Devisser spoke for like 10 minutes but he was unanimously the person guys remember the most, all the people I meet who went remind me about him.
8. Swag bag + my first Delegates badge = me feeling like the coolest person in the world

xo

Jo

Getting Personal: Dating

{First posted on Raha and Love}

I don't talk that much about my personal life on my blogs; sure if I have an especially memorable day, I'll flood you with pictures, but that's mostly because I love having a sort of online diary where all my memories and pics are, like Facebook with words and chronology, but other than that, the day to day stuff I keep to myself. Besides, if my entire life and thoughts are here, what fun will there be for people who meet me in real life to get to know me?

I write about lessons I learn and how those apply to my life. Today though, I'll tell you a little about my dating life or lack of...

Didn't date in High School. I just had very great day dreams about a Christian rock-star guitarist whisking me off to get married by the time I turned 21. Seriously, I wanted to get married by 21!

The second I joined college though, suddenly I was flooded with guys! I went on tons of dates, had tons of crushes, a couple of potential boyfriends, none of them worked out. In my head, I still want(ed) that Christian rock-star guitarist and the guys I crushed on wanted that girl who goes clubbing every weekend, which I wasn't. Somewhere in the middle of that though, I caved in and turned into that girl and my Christian rock-star guitarist dream disappeared. About a year later things ended and I finally realized, I can only be me.

Yeah, so I joined Mizizi at Mavuno Church; little by little, God pieced my heart back together, kinda brought me back to myself, restored me...tried dating again here and there but my heart just wasn't in it. So, after a timely message at my Church, I took a 1 year pledge to work on myself and my relationship with God - being the one instead of looking for the one - as we call it. My prayer that day, February 5th was something like,

“Lord, I suck at this dating thing. I really do. I've tried and failed to follow my own way. I don’t want to lead guys on and have a boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend. And Lord, I don’t EVER want to go through this heartbreak ever again and I don't want to break anybody's heart again. Please, I pray that the next person I date, is the one that you would have me marry.”

So, I'm still in the year, not done with the pledge. 2 years after the breakup, I was finally able to close the door with that other guy amicably so there's no bitterness and issues left there, yayy! I got into music and serving in Church which I LOVE!

Learning to let God be my everything. All this other stuff is just details, details that I love, I mean, I love being in love - sweaty palms, heart racing, excited when the phone rings, taking goofy pictures - I love all of that, and I'm praying I get all that some day soon, but really, it's just "all these other things". I'm learning to let God be my everything.  He's the only one that can truly tell me who I'm meant to be and complete me; I don't get fully how He'll do that, but He will.

Yeah, so that's me.

How To Let Go

Saturday, I went to class; remember how I ducked my Tuesday and Thursday classes, well Saturday I went and my teacher says to me in front of the whole class, "Joanne, you're back?" I hate being pointed out like that, but now that I write that out, maybe it wasn't that much of a big deal...

After class, I decided to go to our Saturday night service so I could chill on Sunday. It was amazing.

 Mavuno Church

We finished up this month's series, "Unshackled" and a couple of things I learnt from that were;

1. Pride is the "Why should I?!" attitude. "Why is he offended?!" "Why should I apologize?!" 
2. Pride is easier to swallow than consequence
3. Pride when swallowed adds no calories
4. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting, and we get caught up in the not being able to forget part that we give up on trying to forgive at all
5. Forgiveness is saying, I let you go, I let it go, God lead me on this road to healing

After the sermon, we pinned up these little notes on which we'd written the names of the people who hurt us/who we hurt on a huge wooden cross they'd set up. That was so powerful. I was just looking at that cross thinking, "Wow, Jesus, because of you, because of this sacrifice you made, because of your blood, I can live in freedom. I don't have to carry the regret and hurt and anger, I can be free"

Mine

I wrote down my name and the ex's. I've just spent so much time and energy hating someone, and it's been holding me back for way too long. After last week's sermon, Pastor S encouraged us, to deal with the anger and confront those emotions and he suggested writing a letter, or meeting with the other person, or going through counseling.

I did and it turned out to be like 8 pages long. I was in the worst relationship in recorded history for 8 months so I guess 1 page per month :-) Anyway, I didn't feel like it was necessary and I didn't really feel God pushing me to talking to him or sending the letter. That would just cause a whole other session of me being hopeful for an apology, which at this point wouldn't really mean that much. Also, I don't really think he's ever going to be at that point where he gets it. But it felt incredible for me to just release all that, and then the cross thing just cemented everything together. Now every time bitterness pops up, I remember that note I left on the cross.

So, how to LET GO:

1. I would totally encourage someone to write or purge themselves like that. I honestly feel so free form that.
2. Pray about it, yell at God, cry out to God, do whatever it takes to fight for your heart
3. Release yourself to God's love. That's where it all begins. His love heals, restores, renews. I got this picture in my mind of being in worship, and God's holding my heart and it's got all these black lines running through it, scars and patches from when it's been broken, and God's working on it. It's not instant, but He's not only putting that heart together (that won't lead to an abundant life) He's making it like new (reNEW)
4. Forgive. Make a choice to let that person or that situation go. Every time a thought pops up, forgive.
5. Do a small physical act of letting go. This can be like, wearing a certain piece of jewelry, sticking your note up on a cross like me :-) giving away old clothes to charity, burning an old letter, anything that you can look back on and it serves as a reminder of God's sacrifice so you can be free. (Please don't do anything crazy or against the law here :-) )

xx
Raha

Be The One

"I am going to be the one...the best that I can be...because that is how God intended it to be."

The sermon at Church this past Sunday blew my mind. Pastor M talked about Leah in Genesis 29 from verse 31. How she knew from the beginning Jacob (Jacobinho hehehe) didn't love her and she was for all intents less than 2nd best.

What she did is typical female behavior, had babies trying to win Jacob's love. Baby after baby she popped out. but Jacob still remained cold. Finally, she learnt that she wouldn't be dependent on Jacob anymore and named her last son Judah meaning "This time, I will praise the Lord"

So, I took all these notes I've laid down under this and promised to God to stay single for the whole year, if He would draw me closer ti Him. I want to be intertwined with God. I stood up and said that prayer with Pastor S. 20 minutes later, I was standing in line at the supermarket tears stinging my eyes when I saw a box of chocolates on those valentine's day stands, and realized, I wont be getting chocolates next week. I'm not kidding. Actual tears in my eyes over a box of chocolate.

But here's what I took home...not the chocolate, but the realization that, God made me, he made my heart. He knows everything about me. Who I want to be, (which hopefully aligns with who He made me to be) and who I was. He knows my desires, to be loved wholly, to love wholly, to be a great wife and an amazing mom, to have a family. He knows all these things about me, and he knew them from the beginning. 

I got in my own way, when I took life in my own hands, and tried to find that joy and contentment without him. It was a slippery slope, that ed me like Leah, to finding that next guy who would make me feel valued. I'm totally with her in saying, "Its's not this child, but oh, it has to be the next one." But, now 2012, no more insanity. "This time, I will praise the Lord." This time, I will run after Him, this time I will worship Him. This time, He will be my joy and contentment.

So yeah, I know it's the hugest deal making a promise to God, but I do. This is your year Lord. Its a completely faith move. I don't know what will happen, except that I will want to quit by June. But I'm relying on you for wisdom and strength.

My Notes

1. Human beings are very different from cars, they behave differently under test conditions. (On Living Together before marriage) You can't be completely vulnerable.
2. Transferring the responsibility for your joy and self-esteem to another human being is perpetually walking into insanity. Its time to shift my focus. Shifting focus from man to God is the only time He'll change you into who you need to be.
3. Making a fool of yourself is the natural progression when you want to manipulate someone into meeting your needs for you.
4. Desperate clingy women can only attract hard uncaring men.
5. Are they the problem or is it me?
6. Like attracts like. A relationship only compounds the state you were in before.
7. If your broken, you attract broken people. They can't meet your needs, that's why they married you! It's a 2 patients and no doctor situation, 2 people bound never to satisfy each other. Complementary dysfunctions.
8. Work on your issues...if you don't have health on your life, no one will bring it to you.
9. This time, 2012, something is different. Things will change as you begin to work on you, you grow up, stand taller have an undeniable sense of God-esteem.
10. Let's not perpetuate childish love which equates to lust. Mature people need to understand what it takes to relate to one another.

xx

Raha

Failing

Have you guys ever just felt, like you're at the end of your rope. Like, "o.k I've had enough" and you throw your hands up in the air and say whatever happens, happens. I guess that's where I am right now. I don't know, for some reason, I feel really angry and moody.

I'll start with this, I haven't prayed in a couple of days. I mean, Sunday at Church I realized that, that thing of mine for not being able to pray-like talk, to God, and instead writing prayers in my journal, isn't quite helping me grow. I mean, we're at Church, after worship, and people are just talking to God, while I'm thinking, "I left my journal in the car!"

Another reason, is that I just feel like things aren't working out the way I expected them to. Like, I wasn't baptized this past weekend even though I really didn't want any complications to do with that, and now it seems that complications are where I'm headed, seeing that I haven't even received that text message confirmation that I'm apparently supposed to get.

Another reason, is that those prayer requests we made at the beginning of the month at Church, I haven't gotten answers. O.k, one of the things I prayed for was that my mom would support me and make it easier on me, emotionally, when I moved out. I couldn't handle it, worrying everyday, that she's sad or mad at me, or that she thinks that I abandoned her or that I don't need her anymore. That's been answered because I think my mom is happy, and we talk a lot. So, that, I am thankful for. However the other stuff...nope!

It's not like I'm asking for anything bad. I thought that if you're prayers aligned to God's will, the answer would be yes. Seriously, it's not like I'm asking for anything that you could classify as...I don't know...crazy unsaved things. Still, I'm not getting a whole lot of yes's. Another thing is that I feel like God knows my weaknesses, so wouldn't it stand to reason, that he wouldn't let me experience the hurts I did when I wasn't saved, now that I am saved?

I think I give up, asking for anything...I think when I do pray, it'll just be, narrating my day, but asking for anything...no...it just hurts too much, to hope for something and having your hopes not pan out.

O.K as you can probably tell, today would have been the day of my Mizizi class and these are the questions I would have asked there. However since we graduated, and I'm not seeing my Lifegroup till Friday, I pose these questions to you.

I hate being so low :-(

Wherein I Was Challenged To Trust

If you follow me on twitter you'd know that last night was not one of my finest nights. I don't know what's up with me but I'm just in a bit of a funk. And in the interest of full disclosure as I promised in yesterday's post, I am hereby admitting I feel mopey...so who's out there feeling like they were sent to comfort me? :-)

Anyway, despite this horrible mood swing, I did manage to keep up with my Bible reading (thank you God).

Today, more from Jesus on the law. He says He didn't come to do away with the law. I was one of those people who thought, "ah! if I sin this one more time, I'll just ask Jesus to forgive me and it will be fine" I mean what did Jesus come for if not to forgive our inevitable sin, right. But here it's like Jesus didn't come to take away the standard, if anything He raised the standard, like before the law was don't commit adultery i.e sex outside of marriage, Jesus comes and says whoever just looks at someone with lust has already committed adultery in heart. Jesus didn't come to take away the standard, but to give us a chance to measure up to the standard, grace, belief in Him and repentance which comes through a complete turn around

Today also led me to Abram's first battle, when he heard his nephew Lot had been taken away by warring kings, and God's promise to Abram that he would have countless descendants.
I liked Genesis 15:6  Abram put his trust in the LORD, and because of this the LORD was pleased with him and accepted him. I don't want to face the truth which is that I'm sad because I think my trust is wavering a little. The problems are just starting to pile up a little, my CPA results are looming closer and closer and I know I did horribly in that paper and the thought of failing especially now when I'm running out of time is just incredibly disheartening*. And then trying to get registered for summer classes at Uni so I can be a semester ahead is proving impossible in a large public university where it's impossible to find any help or guidance. School just sucks!!! School is just a challenge!

*(I'm trying to avoid the word depressed in my vocabulary because I've been there and in the grand scheme of things this is nothing, I'm agonizing over nothing, although right now it seems like huge deal)

Also, in the interest of full disclosure, again, and I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve here so please be gentle with me, my BFF sucks!!! My BFF is driving me insane with all this boyfriend stuff, I'm trying to be graceful and tact and completely zen and not jealous. But, I am! Here I was all happy and content to be alone and to focus on me and to turn down requests all week and then she goes and gets "Facebook Official" with her new boyfriend and doing the whole sappy messages on the wall and telling me all these wonderful details. I am incredibly happy for her, but I feel like, I want to be in love/loved too :-( I was even tempted to just call one of these guys up and be like, o.k lets go out...but then that wouldn't be fair to them or to me because I just don't like them like that. (P.S don't worry this isn't gossip, she knows I'm writing this lol)

Anyway, God in case you're reading this I wish I had mammoth sized trust in you like Abram did but sometimes emotions just get in the way of the more important stuff. My heart's desire, truly, isn't awesome grades or love from some random guy, but to learn how to be totally committed to you and be satisfied by Your love alone. If I could have a fraction of what my mom, or other people like pastors or worship leaders have with you then won't that be enough for me? So, if you want me to trust in you, and your timing like Abram did, then you've gotta help me somehow.

I Am Woman

Lord Jesus, thank you for making me a woman.
I embrace my femininity, and celebrate it! I declare according to your word:
That I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14)
That I am of great value to God and people, because I am created in your image. (Genesis 1:26)
That I will not allow fear, insecurity, low self-esteem, the past or present to limit me in my calling as a woman.
That I will use my feminine gifts of beauty, words, relationships and intuition to influence positively wherever you place me.
That I will be a woman of God, connected to God and to His family.
And that as a woman, I will be a fearless influencer at home and at work!
AMEN!

The One In Which It Began on A Sunday

Going to church has since recently become a necessity for my sanity. I don't think I could go a week without my Sunday morning Church Service at Mavuno Church, Mombasa Road.

I love getting dressed up for it, I love wearing super high heels that are saved for this particular day, I love the anticipation of not knowing who you're going to meet that day (because I'm pretty sure I'll find love at Mavuno :-) LOL ) I love the early morning drive when there are almost no cars on the road and the temperature is just right, I love blasting gospel rock in the car radio, I love the guards who say hi to me, I love the ushers who welcome me with a smile, I love the joy and the camaraderie you feel around, I love the worship team, I love the instruments, I love the so-stupid-its-funny jokes by the service leaders, I love the sermons (more on that later), I love the hope, I love the peace, I love the prayers, I love catching up with my friends after the Service, I love the food, I love going next door to Gallitos for a doughnut and drinking chocolate or Ice Cream if finances allow, I love people telling me I look beautiful : : not hot, not sexy : : just beautiful with no hidden agendas (he-he, I hope) I just love Sundays at Church.

This church, saved my life and I yelled the loudest today when Pastor M said 60% of us would be at home nursing a hangover were it not for Mavuno. I've never been happier or more hopeful than I am because of it, not because my hurts/disappointments were erased or that I've discovered who I am or how to solve my issues but because I know Whose I am. Pastor Simon Mbevi says it best, "The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall be fine."
But, I am a struggling Christian at best and church only carries me through until about Wednesday...hmm...by then I'm in trouble, the fire dies down, the stresses of the week catches up with me and I long for the  weekend, for Sunday.
This year however, I've resolved not to live like that. I'm taking up the challenge to read the Bible for myself this year. I'm probably the weakest Christian I know and I have lets just say a colorful past, but I figure, if Pastor Muriithi (Senior Pastor at Mavuno) can do it, so can I.

So day one's readings:
I've never really tried to understand the trinity. All I've ever known was there's God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit and Jesus and the Holy Spirit are God. I noticed in Genesis God says, "Let us make man in our own image" so the view I have in my mind where I've got God, the father we run to, Jesus, the friend we cry to, and the Holy Spirit, the friend we listen to isn't that far off. It's also cool that God didn't designate the making of man to the uttering of words, but by delicate formation and establishment of a relationship. I'm amazed also by the bravery Mary had to carry her baby despite what anyone would think. Most of us would lack her courage.

Done for the day, right now, I'm going to try to step away from the computer and do what Sunday afternoons were made for, drink an ice cold Alvaro, grab the newspaper (i.e. new romance novel :-D ) and nap in the shade outside.


(Pictures from the Mavuno Church website, link as always at the bottom of the blog, or if you're feeling lazy, click here)