These are the words I hope to say to my hubz everyday when we wake up. Yes, this long and hopefully interesting post is about what I've always feared putting into words for the sheer ridiculousness of it. (Hey, I just found out ridiculousness is a word) And the fear that if/when I ever do get married and the guy reads this blog he'll be like, "uko serious? aki, you were so ridiculous those days!" to which I'll reply, "Shut up hubz, this blog is about my life and my thoughts before you found me, and honey, fantasizing about you was a major part of that life, so just pipe down and read it ama I won't cook my special lasagna for you!!!"
Growing up girls have this mental picture of Prince Charming, and what Happily Ever After will look like, some girls don't, maybe too they're focused, too damaged, too normal, maybe they're just not me! I on the other hand have my entire wedding planned out, only thing missing though, is a groom ;-D There's not even a semblance of a groom i.e no boyfriend, no potential boyfriend no nothing. But I've planned it all, I won't let it all out here so lets just leave some fields with a big _ _ _ _ _blank. I know the type of rings I want (a matching set where the engagement ring fits into the wedding ring so they look like one, yellow gold, diamonds not a must but I wouldn't refuse, duh! ), I know the two dresses I'll wear for the ceremony and reception, the _ _ _ _ _ _ theme and colors and decorations and cake, and _ _ _ _ _ _ inspired ceremony in a beautiful green place with a pool or more preferably a lake (loud hinting here W_n_s_r G_l_f C_ _b), to the pastor presiding, to where my first honeymoon night will be, to what music will be playing, to what the groom and groomsmen are wearing, and most importantly celebrating the fact that my future best friend and I or the one prepared for me (as my mom would say) are standing under love and have each others backs forever (insert long dreamy sigh)
More than that, a wedding no matter how well planned or beautiful or dream-like it is, is just one day. Trust me I daydream about much more than that, I wonder how I'll land an incredible job to be able to contribute substantially to our lives and to the economic level I want us to be in, I wonder how we'll afford a wedding when there are so many other things to do like starting a mortgage to buy a house because I am not a believer in paying rent, nor do I believe in having committees of other people pay for a wedding, I wonder how we'll afford to stock that house, I wonder where that house will be, I wonder how we'll manage to do the whole Christian "God's plan is waiting until after marriage thing" during our long courtship because if I'm seriously thinking of keeping up with the whole being saved thing then that's a must for me, I wonder if we'll be happy and in love when we're fifty, I wonder if we'll be blessed with kids, I wonder if my kids will be healthy, I wonder if they'll be cute, I wonder if life will be better or the same or if global warming or terrorism will have taken over and we'll have no more of this beautiful world to enjoy, I wonder if I'll be an amazing wife, I wonder if he'll be an amazing husband, I wonder what our fights will be about or what they'll be like or whether we'll ever go to sleep angry, I wonder if we'll be amazing parents, I wonder if God forbid we're forced to, how one will manage to live without the other....................so many thoughts run through my head.
But mostly I just dream. I dream about driving to work together even though we'll have two cars, surprise lunch dates, washing dishes, cooking for him, arguing about who watches what on t.v, Christmas with my family, how he'll fit in with my brothers, me taking his sisters out for lunch, him fixing the car, him making me laugh, me happy knowing he's there, going to Church together wearing color coordinated clothes [he he he j/k, kinda ;-) ], December holidays in Mombasa, gifts and cards, drinking wine and eating chocolate on the balcony at night, how I'll be an amazing wife full of love and kisses and surprises.
Before you get me wrong, I'm not sad or lonely or desperate for a guy to come and save me. My dad used to handle every single fault in the house, changing light bulbs, replacing fuses, everything. When he passed away, I try to take away some of the work from my mom, like last year I fixed a faulty electric line in the house, I can drive her and myself to work, in fact I've been an accident free driver for almost 3 years, I can buy my own lunch and comfortably sit alone in a restaurant like I did last month at Steers, I don't like cooking or washing dishes all that much, I have the potential to make my own money and learn how to invest amazingly, and I do a heck of a great job taking the car to the mechanic myself, plus I can hold my own against a bus or matatu driver. I even took one to Lang'ata Police Station last year when he almost side-swept my car and tried to get away, but as much as I can do these things for myself, I don't want to
have to do it, and certainly not for the rest of my life!
I'm happy to be alone though, whether or not the offers come, this is my season to heal and grow, To know who I am as me. I usually get so lost in the other person that I forget who I am and that's not an attractive quality. I want to settle down with school and all these extra courses and move up to a great job. I want to learn everything I can to be a finance/marketing go-to woman or guru. I want to make tons of money to secure my future and not go into any relationship empty handed. I want to be immovable in my faith. I want to come together as one, because to me true lasting love isn't 1/2+1/2=1, it's 1+1+1=1. Two WHOLE people coming together as one, each with their own sets of assets and liabilities, relying on God to maximize on their strengths and minimize on their losses, not one party bringing the other down.
I've come to realize being in a relationship with God is the easiest thing ever because there are no masks and no wondering what the other person is thinking or whether or not they love you. Yet, I've never gone a month without backsliding ever up until now at least (yay for me!) If I can't handle this relationship, it would be impossible to handle a true man/woman one. (man/woman??????? I'm sorry, I didn't know how else to put that)
Yes, I'm happy being alone, but then my BFF starts talking about her new boyfriend, or I watch my telenovelas like in '
Dahil ma Isang Ikaw' where Miguel and Ella are happily married and in love or in
'Cuidado con el Angel' where Juan Miguel and Maria de Jesus share those steamy, passionate, gazing into each others eyes while standing incredibly close and saying, "I love you, Marichuy, do you want me to kiss you again" and I think, "God, why can't I have some of that?" An insanely, cruelly handsome man who looks like William Levy daily professing his love for me and showering me with gifts and affection and that look that says "You're the only one in this world for me, always and forever" and that kiss or even just that hug that will make your heart melt, your knees go weak, your spine turn to mush, your foot lift off the ground etc. etc.
I don't have a shopping list, like "he's has to be tall, dark and handsome" or whatever. I truly believe that God knows what I need more than I do....only exception to not having a list, is that he has to be a church guy, not just a church guy, but he has to be saved for a while before meeting me and say definitively "I'm saved" when I ask him unlike the last three 'church guys' I've dated who reply with an uncertain "Um, don't ask me, are you yourself saved?......Oh, um, me, I'm on the path.....blah blah blah"
He has to love God more than he loves me and I won't be intimidated by that because I know God loves me too and He'll balance things out. It's like seek ye first God and I will be added to him lol and vice versa. He also has to be tall and lookable, and I'm not saying that for selfish reasons, I'm doing it for my children hahaha, I don't want my children to be un-lookable plus I'm short, so me+short guy=tiny kids?! :-D
O.k this is turning out to be a list, but God in case you're reading this, since it's becoming apparent You're my only follower on blogger, then please prepare for me the best, as You continue preparing me to be his best. Continue to help me learn to hear and accept Your voice as my only authority. For now though, I am more than content in my fantasies, dreams and anticipation of what You have in store. Although I have to admit, I can't wait for my happily ever after/walking on the beach toward the sunset
(Although I terribly wish it were me and my love in those pictures, sadly they are all pictures from free images www.imagehousing.com)
