Dear Dad...Take 5

Dear Dad,

It's been 5 years now. I don't know how this works, but I am hoping you're busy up there and God pulls you away for a second to read this letter.

I really just wanted to honor you today. To make sure that you knew you weren't forgotten.

I love you and I miss you immensely. I try and remember the way you smell, the way you smiled and laughed, the jokes you cracked with mom watching the news. I remember Sunday's going to buy the newspaper with you and how you always bought me fudge chocolate. I remember watching the small hand reach "5" and going to sit out on the curb waiting for you to get home from work and you would swing me high in your arms. I remember being forced to go upcountry with you but always being so happy to see you fit in and love being in your childhood home. I remember you waving to people on the sides of the road and feeling like a celebrity because everybody in Nyeri, it seemed to me, knew you.

I remember you working out back every weekend, building and creating. I remember all the photographs you took. I remember never needing a repair man or a painter or an electrician in our house because you did it all and you did it well. I remember putting up Christmas decorations and birthday decorations and the birthday parties you always insisted I have. I remember you tapping on the window when you were barbequing to say, "wee, kuja". In other words, "come get the grub." I used to get so annoyed because you were interrupting my TV watching every 5 minutes, but I would give up every DVD I own for a chance to hear that annoying tap on the window and seeing you tasting some nyam chom. Here's one thing I failed to appreciate, you carried celebration. I don't think I've celebrated much since you left.

I remember you insisting that mom get me chocolate for our last valentine's together. I remember your sadness that you couldn't buy me better looking earrings than the ones I last showed you (PS, I was offended that you didn't appreciate my taste!) You showed me a new side of you, the dad you always wanted to be and I'm sorry we didn't get a chance to live in that reality longer than we did.

I carry no regrets. I carry no hurts. I carry no daddy issues. God has done a good job fully taking over as Dad where you left off. He's been sorting me out. For a while there, I blamed Him for letting you leave us, I felt like He had let me down. Now I realize that God has never let me down. He can't let me down...ever. What happened, broke my heart. It is what it is, what it isn't is "from God to make me strong".

Everybody says that you would be proud of me, but the thing is, I just don't know that. The one thing I wish I had, was you to tell me those words. It seems the older I get the more I need someone to tell me "well done" or that I'm doing a good job. Those are words you just need a dad to tell you. Again, God has sorted me out in a way. I am surrounded by a band of fathers and mothers here at Bethel who say those words to me. I guess it's time I started believing them. Maybe in believing them, I honor you.

However this works, this is to let you know, I value who you are to me. You are my dad, without you I wouldn't be here. I am proud to be your daughter. You were an amazing man. History will remember you fondly.

Love,
Your Daughter.

Luke 9 - Just Say Yes!

I'm still working though the One Year Bible and journalling a lot on what God's been speaking to me. Lately my quiet time has been at around 9 at night, and I just read and write. It really is true what they say that the more I've been doing it, the deeper the love and the hunger for Him grows :) I love it, it's crazy in the Kingdom the hungrier you get, the better you feel which is completely opposite in the physical.

Anyway, a couple of nights ago I was reading Luke 9:51-62. I was stuck on verse 59-60 and I didn't know what it meant or what to write about it, which is normally when God just shows up and speaks to me so much more in the "difficult to understand" concepts than the seemingly straightforward ones.

Luke 9 [NET] v.59 Jesus said to another, “Follow me.” But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.” v.60 But Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.”

So this is what I wrote in my journal:

Jesus called me to follow Him, but many times I hid behind excuses. "Let me try and fix myself / let me try and heal myself from these broken, dead parts of my life / I need my me-time so I don't use God as a crutch against life's problems / I need to commit to deal with myself before I commit to deal with God or my most famous and most-used one "let me try and see if this relationship is going anywhere then once I'm happy with this boy, I can focus on you." Yes, I'm embarrassed to say I said that a million times and I hate that I said that.

But, I've been called to life and to leave the dead things behind. I don't say this callously; I've buried a father. I can't imagine Jesus telling me not to stay and comfort my family or be there for them, but from that experience, I know that this verse is meant as a call to life, a call to not allow death to be the victor and the star of the movie, but to allow the Kingdom to take center stage.

It's letting go of the sadness, depression, brokenness or other issue you've dealt with and choosing...
instead to focus on the Kingdom, attacking this not from the viewpoint of death but from life. A great example I remember is when Bill Johnson's brother in law passed away last month and Eric came out to preach the message on the fruit or the report, based on how when the 12 spies went out to check Canaan out, 10 came back with a report, 2 came back with the fruit. He compared that passage to how Bethel goes after cancer and sickness yet cancer has taken away one in their family, that's the report, but he urged us to look at the fruit of this ministry and made it clear that what had happened was in no way a setback but a stepping stone. Eric and the Johnsons still mourned, he wasn't callous, he was real, but he preached from the Kingdom view rather than the "death has won" view

This verse is calling us to life, calling us to live out of Life, life here being the proclamation of the Kingdom of God and stepping out of and letting go of the dead parts of our life. The kingdom is righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. The Kingdom is the presence of God and that presence releases freedom. Jesus said to mourn with those who mourn, so this verse wasn't telling the man to ignore his family or pretend everything was alright, but to live out of Life not death. Seek first the Kingdom and all else will be added unto you. God wants to be the source of comfort, He's said a million times He's father to the fatherless and brings comfort to the widow. This was never this man's burden to bear.

This really spoke deep into my heart. There are dead or broken parts in all of our lives and this just called me into remembering to change my viewpoint. I'm saving money for school and living expenses and I can choose to look at this like this man did and say to Jesus as He calls me, "let me figure out a way to sort out my finances or agonize about how to pass this interview, then I'll see if I'll be able to come" but God is always reminding Him to seek Him first, to see things the way He sees them, what I struggle hard to do, He does easy.

What areas have you guys struggled to change your viewpoint? Lemme know in the comments/email.

P.S
I just got a picture in my mind of how this guy could have said back to Jesus, "OK yes, of course I'm going to go with you, thank you for calling me! But here's my heart and this is what I'm dealing with, please help me heal from this and know how you want me to handle it." Maybe, someone reading this needs to say that. That is honestly how simple it is to experience everything God has planned for you. Just saying yes. I'll be really excited to pray for you, email me/comment and I'll get back to you.

Shagz Roadtrip Part 1

I was sitting at home bored this morning waiting to drive my mom to the bus stop since she was traveling up country to Nyeri for the weekend to visit my family up there and to attend my niece’s wedding. (My mom’s sister’s kid’s daughter) 

On my way to pick her up, I thought, “What am I doing home all weekend, why not just go?”

And that’s exactly what I did.

We drove up to Nyeri through Murang’a and had a great time, my mom showed me the longest train bridge in the country and guys that thing looks spectacular. I didn’t get any pictures, but it’s definitely a drive I’ll make again just to see that. We finally got to Mukurweini which is home, and went to town to run some errands and pick up some lunch. (Fries for me obviously, and Ugali and Mala for mum) Driving on those roads was awesome, apart from a stretch in Murang’a where the word pothole gets a new meaning, other than that, I felt like I was in the grand-Prix! Perfect roads, thank you WuYi!

via: coastweek.com

After that we went down to Giathugu to see my grandma. Honestly, no one on earth loves me like she loves me! That woman struggled so hard to make sure my mom went to school and loved Jesus. She gave me an incredible God-fearing mom, and everything I am now is because of who she is and who she raised my mom to be. Unfortunately, the door to the trunk of the car got jammed, so we had to drive all the way back into town to get it fixed. The mechanic looked at the car and just laughed, because all he had to do was wiggle the lock and it came loose. Luckily he didn’t charge us anything…I love SHAGZ!

After that, we went up to my dad’s farm to look around and say hi and I got a chance to take a much-needed shower. Finally we went back to my family’s farm at around 7, where I promptly fell asleep watching Modern Family, (Oh KPLC how I love you and your expansion!)

xx

Jo

"I'm Suffering!" How To Deal With Suffering

First Posted on Raha and God

I have a hard time understanding human suffering. Just watching TV this morning and I see these guys who’ve dug about a 15 foot well with a couple of stepping blocks and there’s like 12 guys at each level and they were passing water up and down, you know fetching water for their community and that’s how they live. Every couple of months it gets dry, they have to dig deeper, maybe once in a while it rains and they rest a little, same cycle.

About the same time, my mom is telling me how there were cattle rustlers somewhere in the coast. Two different neighboring communities and one attacked the others village, burned down houses and killed 37 women, 4 men and about 15 kids. One survivor, a man was on camera and he had a baby a couple of months old and 3 other kids, and we find out he’s lost his wife and 2 other kids, all killed. He saw the media and police commissioner and he’s just asking him, “Why have you come now? What can you do now? Can you bring my kids back? Will you bring my wife back? Are you going to breast feed my baby?” Then he just collapsed into tears.

My mom was telling me how her heart just broke seeing that, same as mine hearing about it. Then she asked me, “Now how do you tell someone like that about Jesus?”

So now, I’m here reading my Bible, listening to a Mars Hill podcast by Mark Driscoll and singing a little Jesus Culture, you know my typical Saturday chill day. My life is pretty good. I know Jesus, I have issues, I have sin that I’m still confessing and getting past, but I know God is real, I know his redemptive power. Yet, how do I reconcile my God to this situation. The Bible says all things work for good to them that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose – Romans 8:28. How do you tell someone that losing your wife and kids, senselessly because people had no heart and slaughtered them that this will work for good. If you told me that, I would smack you in the face!

Then, turning to good old Google, “What does the Bible say about suffering?” and it points me to the book of Job, which I’m actually going through in the One Year Bible right now. All I’ve learnt from Job so far is a lot of confusion. 

One day I’m on Job’s side, like, “What did I do wrong, have I not been faithful and honored the Lord all my life? What sin did I not repent of that was so great that I deserve to be disgraced like this?” 

Other days I’m on his friends’ sides, “Trust in the Lord, this is only a season and God is definitely going to restore you to even greater heights than this.” (Plus, I’ve been reading this for three days and I’m just like, “dude, get over it already so I can move to Ecclesiastes!)

To which Job always replies, “Get out of here! No literally get out of here, you have no idea what I’m feeling, you look down on me already because I’m suffering. All the words you’re saying are like nails on a chalkboard and the funny thing is, if I were in your shoes I’d have said the exact same thing. It’s not going to be alright, I don’t see the silver lining and all I want to do is to die.”

Job’s story puts into perspective the phrase, “naked I came into this world and naked shall I leave.” Oh wait, he said that *_*...................{Continue Reading....}

Tales of Birthdays Past

I was in a really strict boarding school in High School, we exchanged hand-made cards and wrote each other dedications on the blackboard during evening preps and buy each other tuck-shop snacks like scones, smokies, crisps, bajias, and if you were really lucky someone would have saved a chocolate bar for you J It got to a point where we were banned from singing happy birthday after some kids were caught singing happy birthday really loudly.

 

Pangani Girls' High School Badge

Sorry, really bad picture but its all i could find

Before High School, my dad was the birthday enthusiast and he and my mom arranged all my birthday parties. (Read: my dad would agree with me and my mom would buy snacks and do all the heavy-lifting) Mostly it would be our family together with my Auntie’s family with her two kids, sometimes it would be a party for all the kids in my neighborhood. 

Birthdays were a big deal with my dad and I remember being a kid and him making decorations and hanging them up and taking millions of pictures. It was special. My best memories of my dad are centered on holidays and birthdays. That’s why birthdays and holidays are so important to me, and I wish people would understand that, it’s not about being a brat and seeking attention. It’s the one day of the year that’s yours. We have Cancer Day and AIDS day and Water Day and Labor Day and Valentines, and we celebrate each of them, and you have one day of the year that’s your own day, and call me a dork, but I think it’s pretty special and sometimes it feels like my dad’s the only one in my family who got that. Now that he’s gone, it makes for some pretty lonely moments, but awesome memories.

I can do anything but I can’t recreate what it was like with him. I truly felt celebrated and loved, like (I believe) you’re supposed to feel on your birthday and I’ve tried to make it happen for years:

18^th birthday House Party fiasco: My best friend at the time, Kevin helped me plan this one. My dad was in Shaggz and my mom was out with her friends. People wanted alcohol and to smoke in my house where my parents live! If that wasn’t enough, someone stole my phone in my own house! At the time I’d turned 18 (legal drinking age) and I didn’t mind the drinking and smoking, I even had my first taste of KC vodka (which I hated, I hope my family doesn’t read this, hee) but honestly, smoking inside the house, leaving smoke stinking up the furniture, that’s just ridiculous, so I had to kick guys out then a fight broke out, crazy! Then, I couldn’t even play the music I wanted (rock) because they were all about ragga and dancehall. Then there’s the walking around making sure everyone’s comfortable, ugh! Not to mention, most of my friends at the time were guys, which made for a lot of organizing when the number of boys who showed up ended up being more than the girls.

Source

19^th birthday Expensive Pizza party: Went to Debonairs Pizza and bought almost 8 large pizzas with some new church friends, trying to make new friends on your birthday probably wasn’t my best idea. It’s just that I’d started going to this Church and all my other friends were the party and rager type (read 18^th) and I wanted a “”“Christian Birthday””” …Plus sick dad at home.

20^th birthday deadbeat ex-boyfriend, whose birthday was a week after mine, and we’d agreed to celebrate together…I went to so much trouble for him and his gifts and he decides, on the night of his birthday to go out with his boys and on what was supposed to be our party the next night, he takes me to his friends party, he’s exhausted and he gets high and doesn’t even notice when I’m practically attacked by some female cop and oh, never got me a gift…deadbeat! I mean, no offence, Christianity, forgiveness and all :-)

21^st birthday stuck at work all day, got coffee and cake with a friend afterward, pretty good, at least there’s no bitter memories, (read 20^th)

I had mixed feelings about the 22nd after all this, but it ended up being pretty awesome :-) 

Details tomorrow....

xx

Jo

 

Losing A Parent

I was absolutely not planning on writing this post ever, but I just feel a tug on my heart to do it, who knows maybe someone might Google this title and find this page and it'll help them.

Before I start this however, I'd just like to say, this isn't a series of sad "poor me" posts. Obviously, you never get over the loss of a loved one, but I can honestly promise you, that right now, I'm free of all the pain and anger that I carried for the longest time. I definitely went off the deep end. I got into toxic relationships, I quit school, I drank, I basically threw my life to hell, but I smile now because those reactions, all those mistakes don't define me now and aren't baggage that I'm forced to carry into my future.

This is pretty long and you might not get to read all of it, so let me kinda put the ending at the beginning, the theme of the story:


 I don't have all the answers. All I have is my experience. You're angry at God, fine, be angry, go to Him and tell Him. Vent! Let it all out and dare Him to respond to you. I cannot tell you how many times I started a prayer and ended up screaming into my pillow or hitting my mattress with a tennis racket. For me, it was two years until I realized He answered me a long time ago. He will respond. His M.O is love. That love is unrelenting. I guarantee it.

My dad died 18th August 2009. Which coincidentally is also my sister's birthday. I remember I woke up, and I heard my cousin crying. He was hired by my mom to take care of my dad, because by the end, the cancer had affected so much of his brain, he couldn't walk, talk or move by himself. We didn't want him in the hospital and he'd finished all his treatments, so he was home, in the downstairs guest bedroom.

When I heard my cousin crying, I kinda scoffed and thought what is up with this guy, but at the back of my head I knew.

I went downstairs and turned on the TV and "My Sacrifice" by Creed was playing on Kiss TV. I tried, but I just couldn't ignore the feeling, and I was trying so hard to hear what was going on, and I was like, "dad, please move, let the bed creak so I can hear you." I couldn't stand it anymore, and I couldn't imagine going into that room and seeing what was going on and why my cousin was crying. I couldn't bring myself to ask him.

So I went back upstairs and I called my mom at work and asked her why Robby was crying. She told me she didn't know and she said she'd call him. I guess she did and Robby told her to come home. A couple of minutes later, one of my mom's friends (our neighbor) came over with her son, and said my mom had sent her and she asked me what was wrong, I told her I didn't know, but obviously by then my feelings had been confirmed.

Source: bit.ly via Mary on Pinterest

She and her son went to the room and she came out crying weeping, and she asked me "how long has he been like that?" I still acted oblivious and was like, "how?" At that moment Robby came up to me and said, "I just have to tell you, your dad is gone." I told him to shut up and I left the house. I hadn't told my best friend Mich, that my dad had been sick for the past 8 months, so I called her, and I couldn't even say the words, so I hung up and texted her, in about 2 hours she was at my house from the other side of the city. (I Love Her) Then I called another friend of mine from Church so she'd spread the word. After that, I went into our car and I just hid out in there for a few minutes. (I realize now it might have been a couple of hours, because visitors had started pouring in and I hadn't even noticed. In the car I was Googling, "How to get over my dad's death." Yeah, me and Google have a close relationship.

Then my mom got home, and I remember I was relieved, but then I realized her focus wasn't on me at that moment, she had her own grief to deal with. Still in the car, I heard her just bawling and peeked in and saw people leading her out of my dad's room. I couldn't go see her, I was just so scared. Next my sister came in with her husband, and same thing, she went straight to the room and bawled and my brother in law was just holding her and almost like dragging her out, and they went into the backyard so my sister could be alone.

I was just in the car watching people go in and out. I don't know if people noticed me and were giving me space or didn't see me at all. Finally Michelle got there, and I don't know how, but news got on Facebook and my other good friend Nasho let people form my school know. I deactivated my Facebook. I just didn't think I could handle condolence messages on a social media site. I'm not a status update.

I remember my friends coming over in groups, and honestly, I got the value of having people come over. I always thought it would be so intrusive and I wouldn't want that, but trust me, you appreciate so much. Death can make you feel totally alone and disconnected and in those moments you realize you're not. Which also explains why my mom, my sister and I slept in the same bed for a week!

The next few days were just a blur. Finally the day of the funeral was here, and I was determined not to cry. But Oh My God, going up-country to "the family home" was the worst, because I was just thinking of all the times I'd made that trip with my dad. Looking around at all the changes that my dad wouldn't see and when we got there seeing how my dad had left his tools and clothes and stuff during his last trip there and now he'd never get to use them or see the farm he'd loved and worked so hard to build. I was in the car with Mich and some relatives I don't know and my eldest cousin was driving. Then we got pulled over for speeding and I was sure we'd miss the funeral.

We got there and I joked with my mom about how we were pulled over and she smiled and I was like "God, you have to make sure my om laughs again. How am I ever going to see my mom laugh again."

I held it together (barely) until it came time to lay the casket down. Then that whole wave of emotions came crashing down on me. There was dust flying around as people filled the grave and I was choking and it was just confusing as people I don't even know were all bawling, and I was mad because, hello, he's my dad and you don't see me acting a fool.

All I was thinking was "I'm never going to see his hands again, I'm never going to see his hands again" My dad had amazing hands. Seriously, his nails looked professionally manicured. People say I have soft cute hands, yeah my dad's were better. Maybe not soft because he was a tools guy, but beautiful. He wrote beautifully, he made beautiful things. I could not get over the fact that I wouldn't see his hands again. I think I was at this point "ugly crying" and choking on dust. You know, that cry where you're gasping through your throat and you feel like you're hyperventilating.

My uncle yelled, "someone get her out of here" and Michelle came up and walked/dragged me away. I can't remember anything after that except my sister coming up and hugging me and not letting go. Suddenly it was nighttime, and we were just sitting outside in the stars, everyone had left. It was me and my cousins. I guess I went to bed soon after that.

Source: haylan.tumblr.com via lannerart on Pinterest

_________________________________________________________________________________

You guys know the rest of the story about my going off the deep end. I remember being so depressed wanting every single day to just die and not wake up the next day and being so angry with God, why would he do that to me. What had I done wrong? What had my mom done to deserve that? Why not take away and abusive father? Why mine, just at the time he'd gotten saved and was actually beginning to act like a real dad to me, telling me he loves me for the first time in my life? We could have been amazing. Life could have been incredible. To this day, I think of how my life could have ended up different.

God, though showed me, and is continuing to show me a lot. First of all in those hard months, I got a glimpse of my dad's heart toward me. He wasn't the touch feely type and we'd never had an emotional conversation. (Except for that one night I broke curfew and he told me "I've given you everything, how many kids have a TV in their room, how many kids get pocket money and school fees. Whatever you've asked I've given you.") Anyway, those few months, my dad's shell got broken and I saw how much he's always loved us, and how sorry he was for not showing us that.

I got back into Church, though yes, I did quit after he died, I got friends who were there for me and more than that, now I have a home church where I'm excited to serve and hopefully one day pastor in. I wouldn't have known about Mavuno Church if it wan't that.

Source: community.livejournal.com via AmaLia on Pinterest

Most importantly, I realized the transience of life and what it means to completely surrender. Will you love God when he takes away everything? Right now, I can say yes. I realized the purpose of life isn't to live here on earth. The purpose of life is to love here on earth; all the way to heaven. Was my dad dying part of God's purpose for him? No. (Bear with me here I'm getting to my point.) Dying, breaking my heart, this wasn't God's purpose for my dad's life or mine. My purpose, your purpose, the reason we were made is to love God. Wherever my dad is, (maybe in heaven worshiping) because he's saved, he's living his purpose of loving God. Right here, I'm living my purpose of loving God through the storms of this life.

Why them did he make us? Why life? Why earth? These are some tough questions and I probably, don't have the right answer but God made this world for His creation to dwell in as we continue to love on Him, so that we can live in the power of His love and fellowship. So he can continue to build us in becoming His sons and daughters in heaven. We were created as special beings, in the image of God. Whatever heaven holds, its worth the pain on earth. When we get to heaven, none of this stuff will matter. The All-Consuming FIRE, the Passionate Lover, the Jealous God, He'll be lavishing us with His love, and we'll be so consumed by that love that all we'll be doing in heaven is loving God and we can start that right here on earth.


xoxo
Jo

Finally Took The Wet Plunge

Last Tuesday, I went to Church to shoot my video for my testimony. Most of you have already know my testimony. It's just a long complex story and as much as I would have wanted to go into everything, there's only so much you can say in two minutes, you know. So I chose just a part of it and in the editing they emphasized how I dealt with my dad's death. I didn't see it, but I hope it turned out o.k, and helped someone going through the same thing.

So, the weekend of my baptism finally arrived. Saturday morning I woke up with a panic attack because I thought it was Sunday. I have to admit, I was more than a little nervous taking the plunge, and I mean that literally and figuratively.

It's no secret that this salvation thing has been a struggle for me. I have great days, good days and bad days. I have extended periods of bad days and amazingly sweet and thoughtful good days. I have this pestering fear that maybe this is all just a phase and I'll just backslide again...that's not the fear exactly, the fear is that now that I know what it's like to be saved and rely on God, how will I survive if I backslide and mess up so bad, God, you know, leaves me.

This baptism was just a big deal to me because, in many ways it was like a wedding. It's something that I waited a long time for, it's something that took a lot of preparation for and it's something I only want to do once in my life because the change has already been made permanent.

Sunday was a lot better, I woke up pretty relatively calm. I decided I wasn't going to put a lot of pressure on myself, to be perfect or anything, but to just go as I was. My mum took me to Church, my Lifegroup unfortunately didn't manage to make it on time except for one of my closest friends. On a side note, I know I love my mom more than anything, but seeing her standing there with me and taking me through that, I just LOVED her SO MUCH MORE if that's even possible. It was just so cute, she took pictures and she was holding my hand. I was really happy and that was definitely one of the best days, actually, the best day of the year thanks to her, and her love.

My little testimony video played in Church, 2 minutes later, it was all:

"Do you accept the Lord Jesus Christ as your Saviour?"
"I do."


"Do you renounce satan and all his works?"
"I do" 


"I now baptize you in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit."

That's me under water.

Cut to water painfully shooting up my nose, tears in my eyes, freezing in the wind, changing in a tiny bathroom stall and back to Church. It all went pretty fast and it's still sinking in, but I have to say as much as it wasn't all doves settling on my head or me being struck down by the "Power" It was still an amazing experience.

I can't say I think that water baptism is the only way to heaven. I know there's been a lot of debate on that. I believe that accepting Jesus is the only way, but for me, it's something to draw from. You know, in the tough times I'll remember Sunday the 10th of April and I'll remember whose I am. To me it was also like, I know I've been forgiven, but there's just something symbolic about getting into the water with all your issues and them being washed away completely. Like a cleansing or a purging. It was also like a covenant for me, at least with what I learnt in my Religious Ed classes:

• Statement of agreed terms
• An oath by both parties to observe the terms
• Consequences upon breach
• The formal ratification by the external act
• Witnesses

Though I'm weak and I might fall away, God never breaks His covenant.

Oh and guess what I bought for myself:

Yup, the NIV One Year Bible. I decided yesterday, even if I technically had no one to make a big deal about this day, I would make a big deal out of it myself. That's one of the reasons I miss my dad sometimes. My dad was over the top when it came to celebrations, Christmas, he was the one who set up the tree and the house every year, and stayed up with me past midnight on New Year's when the rest of my family was asleep. My birthdays, he always asked me if I was throwing a party and if I was he would be most involved in it. He was just like me, or rather I'm just like him, because we both save old cards, we both like to give cards, we're both into celebrating every single thing.

I have to admit, I was a bit disappointed and felt kinda bad that my LG and friends didn't make it for the baptism and didn't want to hang out and go for lunch, like we'd planned for Sunday, but instead of getting into that, I understood them, that this wasn't like a big deal kind of thing to other people and that's cool.

Since it is to me, however,  I did what I'd have expected to be done, bought myself a Bible, bought me and my mom lunch, we ate pizza and Steers fried chicken and fries, she caught on to the festive spirit and baked me two cakes, needless to say, today we were first at the store to buy Tums, we were so sick!

At least with the Bible I'll be more able to keep up with the readings than through PDF. It's really good, small, convenient to carry around, plus it's not an "in your face Bible" you know what I mean, it won't make you look or feel "Holier than thou" when you take it out to read in a bus or on a queue. It's just cool and understated. Every day also has a highlighted verse, so even the days you're not feeling theological and you're really not in the mood to delve deeply into the readings at least you'll have one verse to go with.

Anyway, it wasn't a "perfect day" but it was an amazing one. April 10th, my B-Day.

First Apartment

So, this little girl is growing up and next week I'll be a house-owning, bill-paying, solo-living, adult-becoming citizen. How crazy is that?

This will actually be my second time moving out. My first place was great. It was huge! It was close to ammenities, it was in a gated estate, just perfect. Until, the landlady decided to expand her business and build new units, thus begun the power-cuts, the water rationing, the smelly mess when the sewer system was being set up, the construction crew at my door every morning before I got up, the crew being able to look into my bathroom when they were constructing the top floors. Then came me, tucking my tail between my legs and heading back home, defeated by the real world.

But this, this is my second chance. Sure this place may not be as big as my last place. Sure it may not be in a nice gated community, sure it may entail a 15 minute walk through deserted land (which means, no late nights for me! hehe), but it's my place. I pay the bills, so they can't limit my electricity like they did at the last place where I couldn't even plug in my computer without it blowing a fuse. Plus, now I have the experience to learn from. Oh, and there's free satellite TV, so Yay me!

Other stuff that's different, is that the last time, I was moving because my friends, were pressuring me. This time, I'm doing it for me. Last time, it was right after my dad died, so I was running away from home in a way, not to face it, but this time, I think I'm a bit more settled. This time, I also have my mom's blessing to do it.

This place is going to be different. I'm going to make it feel like home, like completely, from getting a carpet, to nice drapery, to window treatments, the whole nine yards! I'm even doing research online. I can't wait. And, hey, new stuff to blog about.

Pictures soon!

Where I'm At...In Need of HELP

Where I'm at, at this moment, is a not so good place. I don't know why, but the last couple of days I've been feeling so out of whack, and it all relates with one thing, which is the issue of surrender we dealt with in Mizizi last week.

Here I am thinking that I've surrendered everything and like, you know what God, if you take away everything, I'm still gonna be good.

Really though, I can't say I'm there yet. I still want what I want. Like with school, I'm nowhere near where I want to be, and I'm so...(and yes I mean the following word with all the hurt and negativity it connotes)...ANGUISHED... about what I'm going to do about that whole situation. I honestly do not think I can make it big, if at all, and that thought terrifies me, because if I don't have school, if I don't have that big graduation party for all my family and my mom's friends, if I don't have that assurance and hope that I'm going to be able to get that fabulous job, what do I have? How that relates to God is like, how can YOU save me from this situation? How did YOU let me get to this place?

Then there's the whole thing of, o.k. and I mean this in the kindest way possible...friends of mine in relationships, dispensing advice like they're experts or something, I mean I appreciate it, but it's also condescending saying stuff to me like, "Tulia my dear, if it's meant to be it'll be, usiharakishe maisha dear" loosely translated that mean, "Relax my dear, if it's meant to be it'll be, don't hurry life dear" which honestly to me sounds like, "Haha, I know better than you, I'm in a relationship and you aren't. You're such a loser" O.k, I may be overreacting, but really, to me, that's what it sounded like. I mean, I can't even express my opinion on stuff like Valentine's Day without someone else jumping down my throat and saying, "Huwezi elewa, ngoja ufike hapa" which means "You can't understand unless you're in a relationship" I mean, I look at all these people and think...a lot of things, haha, but mostly I think, why am I still stuck with attracting these losers? (Losers in the sense that they're players or liars, not in an offensive way) Why am I the one spending Christmas and New Years and VALENTINES alone?

My issue is, God let so many negative people enter my life when I wasn't saved, yeah? Well doesn't it stand to reason that when I am saved He should lead positive people into my life. Yes, I have my Mizizi group and I recognize that and I'm thankful for that, but I mean, like in life outside church, like at school and home and just around.

Another issue is, if I've surrendered all these stuff that I love to God, like saying "God, I give you all this stuff that I love, I choose you above it all" and He, well, takes them...why doesn't He also take the negative stuff, the stuff that I don't want, like these feelings of anxiety and depression and sadness. Truly, I don't want to live my life apart from God, but why does He let it be so easy for me to be separated from Him.

Really, to be honest, I miss my dad SO MUCH. It's been almost 2 years since he passed away, and you'd think it would be getting easier, but, I'm finding myself more and more and like, minute by minute, trying to hold back tears. Like today, I found this painted soapstone I bought on a class trip to Rift Valley when I was like 10 years old, and I scratched out, "I love you Dad" on it. I bought one for my dad, mom and sister, (because I was sweet like that haha) Anyway, in a few months my sister had broken hers and my mom had lost hers. Years later in High School, I saw my dad with this chain around his neck, not like a pretty chain, but just simple that he made at home. What he'd done is that he'd actually drilled a whole through that soapstone and he wore it around his neck. Like, I never asked him to, and it was like 7 years later, but he'd kept it, and even when I was going through my "moody-teen-years" and fought with him and stuff, he wore that thing. That just...I can't describe, how it felt and still feels. I miss him and I'm absolutely gutted.

In Mizizi, we learnt that when dealing with issues of surrender, we find it difficult, because of two main doubts that we carry. First, we doubt God's ability. Second, we doubt God's willingness.

I don't doubt God's ability. I mean...it's God. It's the same God who split the sea so the Israelites could walk through, and even closer home, it's the same God who opened doors for Pastor Daniel and the elders of the Church in Berlin who were looking for a pastor to connect, and hence continue with the Mavuno Germany project.

His willingness, for me, is however in doubt. A lot of times it feels like God just throws me into stuff to see how I'll react, and to go like, "Hahaha, angels, hurry up with the popcorn! Jesus, come look at that silly girl, can you believe she actually fell for that? Hahaha"

Again, I don't want to sound ungrateful, or be misunderstood. God, saved me from a lot, and He's brought me really far from where I was, and I have amazing new friends out of Mizizi and I'm SOOOO THANKFUL for that. I wish I could shake this feeling. I honestly have no idea what to do.

Prayer and Pottery

Photo Credit: Mavuno Website

I think the biggest lesson I've learnt the last two weeks through Mizizi is how prayer isn't just a list of stuff that God has to answer, it's more of the relationship that He wants us to have with Him. Like in Mark 1, once word had spread that Jesus could heal people, he started preaching in the outskirts, so people would have to look for Him. Also, like Rick Warren says in The Purpose Driven Life, "God's goal for your life isn't comfort, but character development. He wants you to grow up spiritually and become like Christ"

Also, the story of Jeremiah watching the potter,


Jeremiah 18:1-6  The LORD said to me, "Go down to the potter's house, where I will give you my message." So I went there and saw the potter working at his wheel. Whenever a piece of pottery turned out imperfect, he would take the clay and make it into something else. Then the LORD said to me, "Don't I have the right to do with you people of Israel what the potter did with the clay? You are in my hands just like clay in the potter's hands. 

Photo Credit: Bill Longshaw

We have to constantly ask ourselves, am I living as the clay in God's hands, eager and willing for Him to change me and change my character, or do I constantly try to make God fit into my mold, shape Him in the way that I want Him to be. Rick Warren says again, "Never forget that life is not about you! You exist for God's purposes, not vice versa, God gives us our time on earth to build and strengthen our character for heaven.

Also, that in prayer, sometimes we focus so much on the result or the answer and not on God. For example, when my dad was sick, a pastor during a prayer day thing, told me that my dad would get better, and he didn't and for a long time I blamed this pastor, and was angry at her and at God, but last week the group helped me realize, that I had focussed so much on what the pastor had said, God had temporarily taken a back seat, I mean, I know that wasn't the reason he died, but that gap I created between me and God, definitely affected my reaction to it, and the subsequent events I did.

You're So Hot, God Must Have Used You As His Blueprint When He Made Man

These are the words I hope to say to my hubz everyday when we wake up. Yes, this long and hopefully interesting post is about what I've always feared putting into words for the sheer ridiculousness of it. (Hey, I just found out ridiculousness is a word) And the fear that if/when I ever do get married and the guy reads this blog he'll be like, "uko serious? aki, you were so ridiculous those days!" to which I'll reply, "Shut up hubz, this blog is about my life and my thoughts before you found me, and honey, fantasizing about you was a major part of that life, so just pipe down and read it ama I won't cook my special lasagna for you!!!"


Growing up girls have this mental picture of Prince Charming, and what Happily Ever After will look like, some girls don't, maybe too they're focused, too damaged, too normal, maybe they're just not me! I on the other hand have my entire wedding planned out, only thing missing though, is a groom ;-D There's not even a semblance of a groom i.e no boyfriend, no potential boyfriend no nothing. But I've planned it all, I won't let it all out here so lets just leave some fields with a big _ _ _ _ _blank. I know the type of rings I want (a matching set where the engagement ring fits into the wedding ring so they look like one, yellow gold, diamonds not a must but I wouldn't refuse, duh! ), I know the two dresses I'll wear for the ceremony and reception, the _ _ _ _ _ _ theme and colors and decorations and cake, and _ _ _ _ _ _ inspired ceremony in a beautiful green place with a pool or more preferably a lake (loud hinting here W_n_s_r  G_l_f  C_ _b), to the pastor presiding, to where my first honeymoon night will be, to what music will be playing, to what the groom and groomsmen are wearing, and most importantly celebrating the fact that my future best friend and I or the one prepared for me (as my mom would say) are standing under love and have each others backs forever (insert long dreamy sigh)

More than that, a wedding no matter how well planned or beautiful or dream-like it is, is just one day. Trust me I daydream about much more than that, I wonder how I'll land an incredible job to be able to contribute substantially to our lives and to the economic level I want us to be in, I wonder how we'll afford a wedding when there are so many other things to do like starting a mortgage to buy a house because I am not a believer in paying rent, nor do I believe in having committees of other people pay for a wedding, I wonder how we'll afford to stock that house, I wonder where that house will be, I wonder how we'll manage to do the whole Christian "God's plan is waiting until after marriage thing" during our long courtship because if I'm seriously thinking of keeping up with the whole being saved thing then that's a must for me, I wonder if we'll be happy and in love when we're fifty, I wonder if we'll be blessed with kids, I wonder if my kids will be healthy, I wonder if they'll be cute, I wonder if life will be better or the same or if global warming or terrorism will have taken over and we'll have no more of this beautiful world to enjoy, I wonder if I'll be an amazing wife, I wonder if he'll be an amazing husband, I wonder what our fights will be about or what they'll be like or whether we'll ever go to sleep angry, I wonder if we'll be amazing parents, I wonder if God forbid we're forced to, how one will manage to live without the other....................so many thoughts run through my head.

But mostly I just dream. I dream about driving to work together even though we'll have two cars, surprise lunch dates, washing dishes, cooking for him, arguing about who watches what on t.v, Christmas with my family, how he'll fit in with my brothers, me taking his sisters out for lunch, him fixing the car, him making me laugh, me happy knowing he's there, going to Church together wearing color coordinated clothes [he he he j/k, kinda ;-) ],  December holidays in Mombasa, gifts and cards, drinking wine and eating chocolate on the balcony at night, how I'll be an amazing wife full of love and kisses and surprises.

Before you get me wrong, I'm not sad or lonely or desperate for a guy to come and save me. My dad used to handle every single fault in the house, changing light bulbs, replacing fuses, everything. When he passed away, I try to take away some of the work from my mom, like last year I fixed a faulty electric line in the house, I can drive her and myself to work, in fact I've been an accident free driver for almost 3 years, I can buy my own lunch and comfortably sit alone in a restaurant like I did last month at Steers, I don't like cooking or washing dishes all that much, I have the potential to make my own money and learn how to invest amazingly, and I do a heck of a great job taking the car to the mechanic myself, plus I can hold my own against a bus or matatu driver. I even took one to Lang'ata Police Station last year when he almost side-swept my car and tried to get away, but as much as I can do these things for myself, I don't want to have to do it, and certainly not for the rest of my life!



I'm happy to be alone though, whether or not the offers come, this is my season to heal and grow, To know who I am as me. I usually get so lost in the other person that I forget who I am and that's not an attractive quality. I want to settle down with school and all these extra courses and move up to a great job. I want to learn everything I can to be a finance/marketing go-to woman or guru. I want to make tons of money to secure my future and not go into any relationship empty handed. I want to be immovable in my faith. I want to come together as one, because to me true lasting love isn't 1/2+1/2=1, it's 1+1+1=1. Two WHOLE people coming together as one, each with their own sets of assets and liabilities, relying on God to maximize on  their strengths and minimize on their losses, not one party bringing the other down.

I've come to realize being in a relationship with God is the easiest thing ever because there are no masks and no wondering what the other person is thinking or whether or not they love you. Yet, I've never gone a month without backsliding ever up until now at least (yay for me!) If I can't handle this relationship, it would be impossible to handle a true man/woman one. (man/woman??????? I'm sorry, I didn't know how else to put that)

Yes, I'm happy being alone, but then my BFF starts talking about her new boyfriend, or I watch my telenovelas like in 'Dahil ma Isang Ikaw' where Miguel and Ella are happily married and in love or in 'Cuidado con el Angel' where Juan Miguel and Maria de Jesus share those steamy, passionate, gazing into each others eyes while standing incredibly close and saying, "I love you, Marichuy, do you want me to kiss you again" and I think, "God, why can't I have some of that?" An insanely, cruelly handsome man who looks like William Levy daily professing his love for me and showering me with gifts and affection and that look that says "You're the only one in this world for me, always and forever" and that kiss or even just that hug that will make your heart melt, your knees go weak, your spine turn to mush, your foot lift off the ground etc. etc.

I don't have a shopping list, like "he's has to be tall, dark and handsome" or whatever. I truly believe that God knows what I need more than I do....only exception to not having a list, is that he has to be a church guy, not just a church guy, but he has to be saved for a while before meeting me and say definitively "I'm saved" when I ask him unlike the last three 'church guys' I've dated who reply with an uncertain "Um, don't ask me, are you yourself saved?......Oh, um, me, I'm on the path.....blah blah blah"
He has to love God more than he loves me and I won't be intimidated by that because I know God loves me too and He'll balance things out. It's like seek ye first God and I will be added to him lol and vice versa. He also has to be tall and lookable, and I'm not saying that for selfish reasons, I'm doing it for my children hahaha, I don't want my children to be un-lookable plus I'm short, so me+short guy=tiny kids?! :-D
O.k this is turning out to be a list, but God in case you're reading this, since it's becoming apparent You're my only follower on blogger, then please prepare for me the best, as You continue preparing me to be his best. Continue to help me learn to hear and accept Your voice as my only authority. For now though, I am more than content in my fantasies, dreams and anticipation of what You have in store. Although I have to admit, I can't wait for my happily ever after/walking on the beach toward the sunset

(Although I terribly wish it were me and my love in those pictures, sadly they are all pictures from free images www.imagehousing.com)