Where I'm at, at this moment, is a not so good place. I don't know why, but the last couple of days I've been feeling so out of whack, and it all relates with one thing, which is the issue of surrender we dealt with in Mizizi last week.
Here I am thinking that I've surrendered everything and like, you know what God, if you take away everything, I'm still gonna be good.
Really though, I can't say I'm there yet. I still want what I want. Like with school, I'm nowhere near where I want to be, and I'm so...(and yes I mean the following word with all the hurt and negativity it connotes)...ANGUISHED... about what I'm going to do about that whole situation. I honestly do not think I can make it big, if at all, and that thought terrifies me, because if I don't have school, if I don't have that big graduation party for all my family and my mom's friends, if I don't have that assurance and hope that I'm going to be able to get that fabulous job, what do I have? How that relates to God is like, how can YOU save me from this situation? How did YOU let me get to this place?
Then there's the whole thing of, o.k. and I mean this in the kindest way possible...friends of mine in relationships, dispensing advice like they're experts or something, I mean I appreciate it, but it's also condescending saying stuff to me like, "Tulia my dear, if it's meant to be it'll be, usiharakishe maisha dear" loosely translated that mean, "Relax my dear, if it's meant to be it'll be, don't hurry life dear" which honestly to me sounds like, "Haha, I know better than you, I'm in a relationship and you aren't. You're such a loser" O.k, I may be overreacting, but really, to me, that's what it sounded like. I mean, I can't even express my opinion on stuff like Valentine's Day without someone else jumping down my throat and saying, "Huwezi elewa, ngoja ufike hapa" which means "You can't understand unless you're in a relationship" I mean, I look at all these people and think...a lot of things, haha, but mostly I think, why am I still stuck with attracting these losers? (Losers in the sense that they're players or liars, not in an offensive way) Why am I the one spending Christmas and New Years and VALENTINES alone?
My issue is, God let so many negative people enter my life when I wasn't saved, yeah? Well doesn't it stand to reason that when I am saved He should lead positive people into my life. Yes, I have my Mizizi group and I recognize that and I'm thankful for that, but I mean, like in life outside church, like at school and home and just around.
Another issue is, if I've surrendered all these stuff that I love to God, like saying "God, I give you all this stuff that I love, I choose you above it all" and He, well, takes them...why doesn't He also take the negative stuff, the stuff that I don't want, like these feelings of anxiety and depression and sadness. Truly, I don't want to live my life apart from God, but why does He let it be so easy for me to be separated from Him.
Really, to be honest, I miss my dad SO MUCH. It's been almost 2 years since he passed away, and you'd think it would be getting easier, but, I'm finding myself more and more and like, minute by minute, trying to hold back tears. Like today, I found this painted soapstone I bought on a class trip to Rift Valley when I was like 10 years old, and I scratched out, "I love you Dad" on it. I bought one for my dad, mom and sister, (because I was sweet like that haha) Anyway, in a few months my sister had broken hers and my mom had lost hers. Years later in High School, I saw my dad with this chain around his neck, not like a pretty chain, but just simple that he made at home. What he'd done is that he'd actually drilled a whole through that soapstone and he wore it around his neck. Like, I never asked him to, and it was like 7 years later, but he'd kept it, and even when I was going through my "moody-teen-years" and fought with him and stuff, he wore that thing. That just...I can't describe, how it felt and still feels. I miss him and I'm absolutely gutted.
In Mizizi, we learnt that when dealing with issues of surrender, we find it difficult, because of two main doubts that we carry. First, we doubt God's ability. Second, we doubt God's willingness.
I don't doubt God's ability. I mean...it's God. It's the same God who split the sea so the Israelites could walk through, and even closer home, it's the same God who opened doors for Pastor Daniel and the elders of the Church in Berlin who were looking for a pastor to connect, and hence continue with the Mavuno Germany project.
His willingness, for me, is however in doubt. A lot of times it feels like God just throws me into stuff to see how I'll react, and to go like, "Hahaha, angels, hurry up with the popcorn! Jesus, come look at that silly girl, can you believe she actually fell for that? Hahaha"
Again, I don't want to sound ungrateful, or be misunderstood. God, saved me from a lot, and He's brought me really far from where I was, and I have amazing new friends out of Mizizi and I'm SOOOO THANKFUL for that. I wish I could shake this feeling. I honestly have no idea what to do.
Here I am thinking that I've surrendered everything and like, you know what God, if you take away everything, I'm still gonna be good.
Really though, I can't say I'm there yet. I still want what I want. Like with school, I'm nowhere near where I want to be, and I'm so...(and yes I mean the following word with all the hurt and negativity it connotes)...ANGUISHED... about what I'm going to do about that whole situation. I honestly do not think I can make it big, if at all, and that thought terrifies me, because if I don't have school, if I don't have that big graduation party for all my family and my mom's friends, if I don't have that assurance and hope that I'm going to be able to get that fabulous job, what do I have? How that relates to God is like, how can YOU save me from this situation? How did YOU let me get to this place?
Then there's the whole thing of, o.k. and I mean this in the kindest way possible...friends of mine in relationships, dispensing advice like they're experts or something, I mean I appreciate it, but it's also condescending saying stuff to me like, "Tulia my dear, if it's meant to be it'll be, usiharakishe maisha dear" loosely translated that mean, "Relax my dear, if it's meant to be it'll be, don't hurry life dear" which honestly to me sounds like, "Haha, I know better than you, I'm in a relationship and you aren't. You're such a loser" O.k, I may be overreacting, but really, to me, that's what it sounded like. I mean, I can't even express my opinion on stuff like Valentine's Day without someone else jumping down my throat and saying, "Huwezi elewa, ngoja ufike hapa" which means "You can't understand unless you're in a relationship" I mean, I look at all these people and think...a lot of things, haha, but mostly I think, why am I still stuck with attracting these losers? (Losers in the sense that they're players or liars, not in an offensive way) Why am I the one spending Christmas and New Years and VALENTINES alone?
My issue is, God let so many negative people enter my life when I wasn't saved, yeah? Well doesn't it stand to reason that when I am saved He should lead positive people into my life. Yes, I have my Mizizi group and I recognize that and I'm thankful for that, but I mean, like in life outside church, like at school and home and just around.
Another issue is, if I've surrendered all these stuff that I love to God, like saying "God, I give you all this stuff that I love, I choose you above it all" and He, well, takes them...why doesn't He also take the negative stuff, the stuff that I don't want, like these feelings of anxiety and depression and sadness. Truly, I don't want to live my life apart from God, but why does He let it be so easy for me to be separated from Him.
Really, to be honest, I miss my dad SO MUCH. It's been almost 2 years since he passed away, and you'd think it would be getting easier, but, I'm finding myself more and more and like, minute by minute, trying to hold back tears. Like today, I found this painted soapstone I bought on a class trip to Rift Valley when I was like 10 years old, and I scratched out, "I love you Dad" on it. I bought one for my dad, mom and sister, (because I was sweet like that haha) Anyway, in a few months my sister had broken hers and my mom had lost hers. Years later in High School, I saw my dad with this chain around his neck, not like a pretty chain, but just simple that he made at home. What he'd done is that he'd actually drilled a whole through that soapstone and he wore it around his neck. Like, I never asked him to, and it was like 7 years later, but he'd kept it, and even when I was going through my "moody-teen-years" and fought with him and stuff, he wore that thing. That just...I can't describe, how it felt and still feels. I miss him and I'm absolutely gutted.
In Mizizi, we learnt that when dealing with issues of surrender, we find it difficult, because of two main doubts that we carry. First, we doubt God's ability. Second, we doubt God's willingness.
I don't doubt God's ability. I mean...it's God. It's the same God who split the sea so the Israelites could walk through, and even closer home, it's the same God who opened doors for Pastor Daniel and the elders of the Church in Berlin who were looking for a pastor to connect, and hence continue with the Mavuno Germany project.
His willingness, for me, is however in doubt. A lot of times it feels like God just throws me into stuff to see how I'll react, and to go like, "Hahaha, angels, hurry up with the popcorn! Jesus, come look at that silly girl, can you believe she actually fell for that? Hahaha"
Again, I don't want to sound ungrateful, or be misunderstood. God, saved me from a lot, and He's brought me really far from where I was, and I have amazing new friends out of Mizizi and I'm SOOOO THANKFUL for that. I wish I could shake this feeling. I honestly have no idea what to do.
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