A Captive of Familiarity

"When you choose to embrace a lie to bring you peace, you make a covenant with the spirit of that lie to comfort you. The devil's ministry is to steal, kill and destroy. Whenever we embrace one of these three elements that is is ministry, we invite demonic spirits to oppress us." Kris Vallotton - Spirit Wars, page 154 (paraphrased)

We've gone through a ton of deliverance stuff in 1st year. At the tail end of my school year though, I've entered a somewhat difficult season. With mission trip financial pressures and the lingering questions, "did I get what I came for?" or "what's gonna happen next?" plague my mind, I've realized how easy it is to slip back into what Bethel "lingo" describes as 'familiar spirits'.

Personally, for me, with a history of depression, depression is my comfort. Staying in bed, checking out physically & emotionally, solitude, moodiness, being quiet & withdrawn...that's my go-to. That's what I find easy to embrace to bring me peace; which is quite sick, because none of these things bring me peace, but that's just how the mind works. When I chose to embrace that lie, I make a covenant with the familiar spirit of depression to comfort me, only the devil's comfort is in reality torture. In my solitude & withdrawn-ess, the lies come quick & easy. "I'm not good enough." "I'm not pretty enough", "I'm not worth the investment", "My life is going nowhere" "I have no plan"...I could go on and on...

So, Kris in his book writes this prayer, which probably more people than just me need to repeat :-)

"Jesus, forgive me for making a covenant with the devil by inviting depression to comfort me. Thank you that you gave me the Holy Spirit, who is my comforter & my friend."
"You spirit of depression, I break my agreement with you. I no longer want you in my life. I command you to leave now in Jesus name!" (page 154)

You know what? It's gone...it's really gone!

Luke 9 - Just Say Yes!

I'm still working though the One Year Bible and journalling a lot on what God's been speaking to me. Lately my quiet time has been at around 9 at night, and I just read and write. It really is true what they say that the more I've been doing it, the deeper the love and the hunger for Him grows :) I love it, it's crazy in the Kingdom the hungrier you get, the better you feel which is completely opposite in the physical.

Anyway, a couple of nights ago I was reading Luke 9:51-62. I was stuck on verse 59-60 and I didn't know what it meant or what to write about it, which is normally when God just shows up and speaks to me so much more in the "difficult to understand" concepts than the seemingly straightforward ones.

Luke 9 [NET] v.59 Jesus said to another, “Follow me.” But he replied, “Lord, first let me go and bury my father.” v.60 But Jesus said to him, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God.”

So this is what I wrote in my journal:

Jesus called me to follow Him, but many times I hid behind excuses. "Let me try and fix myself / let me try and heal myself from these broken, dead parts of my life / I need my me-time so I don't use God as a crutch against life's problems / I need to commit to deal with myself before I commit to deal with God or my most famous and most-used one "let me try and see if this relationship is going anywhere then once I'm happy with this boy, I can focus on you." Yes, I'm embarrassed to say I said that a million times and I hate that I said that.

But, I've been called to life and to leave the dead things behind. I don't say this callously; I've buried a father. I can't imagine Jesus telling me not to stay and comfort my family or be there for them, but from that experience, I know that this verse is meant as a call to life, a call to not allow death to be the victor and the star of the movie, but to allow the Kingdom to take center stage.

It's letting go of the sadness, depression, brokenness or other issue you've dealt with and choosing...
instead to focus on the Kingdom, attacking this not from the viewpoint of death but from life. A great example I remember is when Bill Johnson's brother in law passed away last month and Eric came out to preach the message on the fruit or the report, based on how when the 12 spies went out to check Canaan out, 10 came back with a report, 2 came back with the fruit. He compared that passage to how Bethel goes after cancer and sickness yet cancer has taken away one in their family, that's the report, but he urged us to look at the fruit of this ministry and made it clear that what had happened was in no way a setback but a stepping stone. Eric and the Johnsons still mourned, he wasn't callous, he was real, but he preached from the Kingdom view rather than the "death has won" view

This verse is calling us to life, calling us to live out of Life, life here being the proclamation of the Kingdom of God and stepping out of and letting go of the dead parts of our life. The kingdom is righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. The Kingdom is the presence of God and that presence releases freedom. Jesus said to mourn with those who mourn, so this verse wasn't telling the man to ignore his family or pretend everything was alright, but to live out of Life not death. Seek first the Kingdom and all else will be added unto you. God wants to be the source of comfort, He's said a million times He's father to the fatherless and brings comfort to the widow. This was never this man's burden to bear.

This really spoke deep into my heart. There are dead or broken parts in all of our lives and this just called me into remembering to change my viewpoint. I'm saving money for school and living expenses and I can choose to look at this like this man did and say to Jesus as He calls me, "let me figure out a way to sort out my finances or agonize about how to pass this interview, then I'll see if I'll be able to come" but God is always reminding Him to seek Him first, to see things the way He sees them, what I struggle hard to do, He does easy.

What areas have you guys struggled to change your viewpoint? Lemme know in the comments/email.

P.S
I just got a picture in my mind of how this guy could have said back to Jesus, "OK yes, of course I'm going to go with you, thank you for calling me! But here's my heart and this is what I'm dealing with, please help me heal from this and know how you want me to handle it." Maybe, someone reading this needs to say that. That is honestly how simple it is to experience everything God has planned for you. Just saying yes. I'll be really excited to pray for you, email me/comment and I'll get back to you.

Mexican Standoff With God

So, yesterday didn’t go according to plan but I’ve determined in my heart to not be sad or agonize about it. It’s so easy to get caught up in a Mexican standoff (a no win, no lose situation) with God. I think of it as being on a hunger strike, where you tell God, I won’t be happy, I won’t experience your joy today because I’m pouting since you didn’t go according to my script. I talked about this before.

Julie asked me if there are any issues that I’m dealing with, you know like, drinking, drugs, pornography and so on. I told her no, thank God for no alcohol or drug addictions, I've seen the withdrawal...wah! But I gave her my story of healing from depression and all those other stuff I faced living in my “gray days.” I told her how my life changed completely last February watching iBethel, and how I got my healing and ran with it. She asked me how I planned on maintaining it, I said, “Not loosing focus on loving God and experiencing His love for me. That’s my plan.” I don’t even know where these answers came from, remember I was nervous; the line kept going dead so I was frustrated and scared she’d just give up on me. It was God I tell you!

Afterward I was thinking about it and what I said and I was like, yeah, loosing focus on His love is the beginning of the slippery slope. Here I was feeling so low about this whole thing then I read a tweet of Hebrews 13:5 “I will never leave you and I will never abandon you” That might be coincidence to you, but that was love to me. And He does that all the time if we take the time to look. I was moved to tears by that tweet! And nooo not just because I'm a tiny bit emotional!

I determined I was going to set my heart on course for joy. So I picked myself up out of bed and went to visit one of my friends who just had a baby and it was great. Nothing brings back joy more than looking at a sweet baby face.

Anyway, the day picked up from there and went around doing the usual things and finally got home and sat around with momma and watched the debate. I didn’t make it far though and fell asleep about half way through!

xx

Jo

We Interrupt Scheduled Posting to Bring You...

...the worst week in history!

I've tweeted a whole bunch about the past two days being a royal suckfest...

Tuesday Night:

Jus overwhelmed wth this absolutely horrible day! It started out great and all went downhill from there...;-(
— Joanne Furaha (@Joannefuraha) October 16, 2012

Wednesday Morning:

Scared to get out of bed n face this day, cant take anymore disapointment n stress, jus keep reminding myself (cont) tl.gd/jm1bj7
— Joanne Furaha (@Joannefuraha) October 17, 2012

Wednesday Afternoon: Wherein I was crying in a bathroom stall in City Campus

And the suckfest continues.....
— Joanne Furaha (@Joannefuraha) October 17, 2012

The worst of it, or the most confusing of it was that that Tuesday, we normally fast as a Mizizi class all day. Speaking of which I even missed my Mizizi class!!! I woke up with crazy syk, totally pumped up, spent like an hour and a half just praying, reading the Bible, worshipping, then I step out of the door and BAM! It all came crashing down...I got caught in a lie with a friend, I had issues registering with school, had to schlep across the city for a class at another campus, the matatu (bus) conductor guy told me he was going to one bus stop (B.S) and he stops the bus at another bus stop 15 minutes away from where I needed to be (OTC) so I had to walk in the hot midday sun, more issues with registration, police through tear gas at some demonstrators so I'm sneezing and coughing through town. Yeah.

Today, woke up for class to the other campus away from the city. Managed to get some notes so I'm like, wow, ok maybe today won't be so bad. Get back to the city, and BAM! Registration issues again, it turns out, I'm not allowed to go to classes at 2 campuses at the same time...ummm....should have told me that before I started attending classes don't you think?! Anyway, I'm just beyond pissed off and just sad. Actually I'm not sad anymore, I'm over it. My mom who should be sad, cause well, she pays the fees, is like, "Get over it! Take life as it comes" and you know what, I will.

Anyway, just thought I'd write this all down so that I can remember I went through this and came out OK in the other side {hopefully}

This whole trying period was good though, this morning I just had to google, "Is it normal to live for God and still have horrible days?" I mean, I was confused and mad, like where's the benefit, if I can spend an hour with God and proceed to have absolutely no favor that day?

The thought/voice/answer/whatever you'll call it, came so clear to me,

It's not about WHAT I have to face, it's about WHO I have to face it WITH!

That's the benefit. God is love, He's not out to ruin my day or not protect me from irritation. I guess I had to learn that I'm not praying/fasting/serving in Church or any of it for what I can get out of it. I'm doing it because LOVE, is utterly in love with me, and I never walk alone...(liverfools! lol)

Anyway, all this inspired the following letter, originally intended for God, but, find your own meaning.

xx
Jo

I Love Blogging! It Gets Better...

I know I always say this, but I don't feel like people get it! I love blogging, I dont know what I would do without this blog. I've been feeling pretty low lately, which I 100% attribute to some crazy PMS, because really, in the grand scheme of things, I have nothing to be sad about! *_* anyway, I got on here and went to that "Labels" section on my blog and clicked on one, and it led me to all these posts I wrote last year, and man, looking back between now and then, it's like a memory miracle log.

Source: bloghackz.com via Sheila on Pinterest

It just reminds me of two things;

• If I keep on keeping on and doing what I'm doing, God willing, this time next year, I'll look back on this years posts and think the exact same thing!!! How that year will be better than the last and so on and so forth #itgetsbetter

Source: faithhopeandcharityshopping.blogspot.com via FinCon on Pinterest

• Every single day of my life, waking up, dancing, singing, laughing, this is the miracle I prayed for and every day I wake up, dance, sing, laugh, is a miracle...despite how I feel, despite what my mind tells me to complain or be sad about, the fact remains, God changed my life this year and He's changing it in one way or another every day...being clay in the Potters hand, being molded hurts, but nobody thinks that when they see the end result.

Source: crushculdesac.tumblr.com via Anneliese on Pinterest

I know, I'm corny, you'll get used to it.

Source: lovelindseykay.tumblr.com via Lindsey on Pinterest

xx
Raha

"I'm Suffering!" How To Deal With Suffering

First Posted on Raha and God

I have a hard time understanding human suffering. Just watching TV this morning and I see these guys who’ve dug about a 15 foot well with a couple of stepping blocks and there’s like 12 guys at each level and they were passing water up and down, you know fetching water for their community and that’s how they live. Every couple of months it gets dry, they have to dig deeper, maybe once in a while it rains and they rest a little, same cycle.

About the same time, my mom is telling me how there were cattle rustlers somewhere in the coast. Two different neighboring communities and one attacked the others village, burned down houses and killed 37 women, 4 men and about 15 kids. One survivor, a man was on camera and he had a baby a couple of months old and 3 other kids, and we find out he’s lost his wife and 2 other kids, all killed. He saw the media and police commissioner and he’s just asking him, “Why have you come now? What can you do now? Can you bring my kids back? Will you bring my wife back? Are you going to breast feed my baby?” Then he just collapsed into tears.

My mom was telling me how her heart just broke seeing that, same as mine hearing about it. Then she asked me, “Now how do you tell someone like that about Jesus?”

So now, I’m here reading my Bible, listening to a Mars Hill podcast by Mark Driscoll and singing a little Jesus Culture, you know my typical Saturday chill day. My life is pretty good. I know Jesus, I have issues, I have sin that I’m still confessing and getting past, but I know God is real, I know his redemptive power. Yet, how do I reconcile my God to this situation. The Bible says all things work for good to them that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose – Romans 8:28. How do you tell someone that losing your wife and kids, senselessly because people had no heart and slaughtered them that this will work for good. If you told me that, I would smack you in the face!

Then, turning to good old Google, “What does the Bible say about suffering?” and it points me to the book of Job, which I’m actually going through in the One Year Bible right now. All I’ve learnt from Job so far is a lot of confusion. 

One day I’m on Job’s side, like, “What did I do wrong, have I not been faithful and honored the Lord all my life? What sin did I not repent of that was so great that I deserve to be disgraced like this?” 

Other days I’m on his friends’ sides, “Trust in the Lord, this is only a season and God is definitely going to restore you to even greater heights than this.” (Plus, I’ve been reading this for three days and I’m just like, “dude, get over it already so I can move to Ecclesiastes!)

To which Job always replies, “Get out of here! No literally get out of here, you have no idea what I’m feeling, you look down on me already because I’m suffering. All the words you’re saying are like nails on a chalkboard and the funny thing is, if I were in your shoes I’d have said the exact same thing. It’s not going to be alright, I don’t see the silver lining and all I want to do is to die.”

Job’s story puts into perspective the phrase, “naked I came into this world and naked shall I leave.” Oh wait, he said that *_*...................{Continue Reading....}

As My Blog Gets Older, So Do I

Having this blog is incredible because I get to see all the transitions I've gone through in my life in the past 2 years. I know it's weird, but I feel like blogging is God's gift to me in a lot of ways.

Ahh, God.

I look back at where my blog/life was at my 1st post, and where it is now, and my heart just races with fear because I absolutely don't want to go back to being who I was back then. My life was a mess! I was battling depression, I was dating these random people, I was just so unhappy.

Right now, I'm the happiest I've been in a while.  I like to think that I've changed, and I'm this newly evolved version of myself, but really, I haven't changed all that much. I'm still the silly Jo, with all the craziness, corny jokes and high expectations of romance and all the stupid stuff I see on TV. I'm still the Jo who'll light up with a text and get bummed without one. I'm still the Jo who at the end of the day will need to crawl back into God's arms when the rug is pulled out from under her, such is the world :-) In all these things, I'll have this blog to look back on and I think that's pretty awesome.

So, what about you guys, do you think you've changed much as your blog has gotten older? Are you still the same person you were when you started? I'd love to here from you.

xx

Jo

Meh! (Part 1)

There are some days when I'm so passionately crazy in love with Jesus. I think about the hope, the glory, hanging out with Him in heaven, the fact that an all-powerful God has my back now. My heart just races and fills up with adoration, and I have to be careful at those times to keep my mind on God, so that if a random thought like "cheeseburgers" comes to my head, my heart doesn't follow and misdirect the love and adoration to "cheeseburgers"

(And, no, I don't normally get random thoughts on cheeseburgers, although now that I think about it, I think its been almost a year since my last cheeseburger!)

via

These are the days I can be watching TV and God says to  me "Come and sing this song for me" and I'd turn off the TV, turn on my music and sing and it's awesome. These are the days when the power's out and instead of complaining, I end up writing 7 new songs. My FIRE days.

Then there are days like yesterday when I'm just like "meh!" I know God loves me, I know I'm a Christian, but I really don't feel like doing much of anything. These days usually follow an event where I feel God say to me something, like, "Don't miss that class!" and I miss it anyway. He leads me and I go off in another way. These are the days when my flesh takes over, and these days SUCK. Yet I still do go off on my own way!

Then there are the days that follow the "meh!" days, when I wake up empty and down, fighting off my old frienemy depression with everything I've got. I find issues in the things that shouldn't be issues. I find reasons to get down on myself, "my hair looks horrible", "my dreams aren't coming true", "I'm still in trouble with school", "did I really pledge I'm going to stay single the entire year?"

That pledge is the one that gives me the most trouble; especially because chances are its not even going to be a year. I wont deny that pledge has probably been the best thing to happen to me for the last 3 years. This break from the rat race has given me a lot of clarity and closeness with God, which is what it was intended for. However, with the clarity came the call to purpose, with the whole wanting to join Ministry. The call came with the probability of the pledge going even longer than a year, because after I'm done with college, I want to go to Ministry School/Internship and in most internships I've been reading on, they don't allow dating, for good reason.

During these days, I wonder if everything really is going to work out. How do I jump into this thing, trust in God, if I can't even go to class when He tells me to go to class. Sometimes I feel like temptation is always at my door, watching and waiting. Old habits, ex-boyfriends, keggers, raves, my past mocking me...

How do I peg my whole life on God, when I cant trust myself?


Be sure to check  out part 2 tomorrow.

Losing A Parent

I was absolutely not planning on writing this post ever, but I just feel a tug on my heart to do it, who knows maybe someone might Google this title and find this page and it'll help them.

Before I start this however, I'd just like to say, this isn't a series of sad "poor me" posts. Obviously, you never get over the loss of a loved one, but I can honestly promise you, that right now, I'm free of all the pain and anger that I carried for the longest time. I definitely went off the deep end. I got into toxic relationships, I quit school, I drank, I basically threw my life to hell, but I smile now because those reactions, all those mistakes don't define me now and aren't baggage that I'm forced to carry into my future.

This is pretty long and you might not get to read all of it, so let me kinda put the ending at the beginning, the theme of the story:


 I don't have all the answers. All I have is my experience. You're angry at God, fine, be angry, go to Him and tell Him. Vent! Let it all out and dare Him to respond to you. I cannot tell you how many times I started a prayer and ended up screaming into my pillow or hitting my mattress with a tennis racket. For me, it was two years until I realized He answered me a long time ago. He will respond. His M.O is love. That love is unrelenting. I guarantee it.

My dad died 18th August 2009. Which coincidentally is also my sister's birthday. I remember I woke up, and I heard my cousin crying. He was hired by my mom to take care of my dad, because by the end, the cancer had affected so much of his brain, he couldn't walk, talk or move by himself. We didn't want him in the hospital and he'd finished all his treatments, so he was home, in the downstairs guest bedroom.

When I heard my cousin crying, I kinda scoffed and thought what is up with this guy, but at the back of my head I knew.

I went downstairs and turned on the TV and "My Sacrifice" by Creed was playing on Kiss TV. I tried, but I just couldn't ignore the feeling, and I was trying so hard to hear what was going on, and I was like, "dad, please move, let the bed creak so I can hear you." I couldn't stand it anymore, and I couldn't imagine going into that room and seeing what was going on and why my cousin was crying. I couldn't bring myself to ask him.

So I went back upstairs and I called my mom at work and asked her why Robby was crying. She told me she didn't know and she said she'd call him. I guess she did and Robby told her to come home. A couple of minutes later, one of my mom's friends (our neighbor) came over with her son, and said my mom had sent her and she asked me what was wrong, I told her I didn't know, but obviously by then my feelings had been confirmed.

Source: bit.ly via Mary on Pinterest

She and her son went to the room and she came out crying weeping, and she asked me "how long has he been like that?" I still acted oblivious and was like, "how?" At that moment Robby came up to me and said, "I just have to tell you, your dad is gone." I told him to shut up and I left the house. I hadn't told my best friend Mich, that my dad had been sick for the past 8 months, so I called her, and I couldn't even say the words, so I hung up and texted her, in about 2 hours she was at my house from the other side of the city. (I Love Her) Then I called another friend of mine from Church so she'd spread the word. After that, I went into our car and I just hid out in there for a few minutes. (I realize now it might have been a couple of hours, because visitors had started pouring in and I hadn't even noticed. In the car I was Googling, "How to get over my dad's death." Yeah, me and Google have a close relationship.

Then my mom got home, and I remember I was relieved, but then I realized her focus wasn't on me at that moment, she had her own grief to deal with. Still in the car, I heard her just bawling and peeked in and saw people leading her out of my dad's room. I couldn't go see her, I was just so scared. Next my sister came in with her husband, and same thing, she went straight to the room and bawled and my brother in law was just holding her and almost like dragging her out, and they went into the backyard so my sister could be alone.

I was just in the car watching people go in and out. I don't know if people noticed me and were giving me space or didn't see me at all. Finally Michelle got there, and I don't know how, but news got on Facebook and my other good friend Nasho let people form my school know. I deactivated my Facebook. I just didn't think I could handle condolence messages on a social media site. I'm not a status update.

I remember my friends coming over in groups, and honestly, I got the value of having people come over. I always thought it would be so intrusive and I wouldn't want that, but trust me, you appreciate so much. Death can make you feel totally alone and disconnected and in those moments you realize you're not. Which also explains why my mom, my sister and I slept in the same bed for a week!

The next few days were just a blur. Finally the day of the funeral was here, and I was determined not to cry. But Oh My God, going up-country to "the family home" was the worst, because I was just thinking of all the times I'd made that trip with my dad. Looking around at all the changes that my dad wouldn't see and when we got there seeing how my dad had left his tools and clothes and stuff during his last trip there and now he'd never get to use them or see the farm he'd loved and worked so hard to build. I was in the car with Mich and some relatives I don't know and my eldest cousin was driving. Then we got pulled over for speeding and I was sure we'd miss the funeral.

We got there and I joked with my mom about how we were pulled over and she smiled and I was like "God, you have to make sure my om laughs again. How am I ever going to see my mom laugh again."

I held it together (barely) until it came time to lay the casket down. Then that whole wave of emotions came crashing down on me. There was dust flying around as people filled the grave and I was choking and it was just confusing as people I don't even know were all bawling, and I was mad because, hello, he's my dad and you don't see me acting a fool.

All I was thinking was "I'm never going to see his hands again, I'm never going to see his hands again" My dad had amazing hands. Seriously, his nails looked professionally manicured. People say I have soft cute hands, yeah my dad's were better. Maybe not soft because he was a tools guy, but beautiful. He wrote beautifully, he made beautiful things. I could not get over the fact that I wouldn't see his hands again. I think I was at this point "ugly crying" and choking on dust. You know, that cry where you're gasping through your throat and you feel like you're hyperventilating.

My uncle yelled, "someone get her out of here" and Michelle came up and walked/dragged me away. I can't remember anything after that except my sister coming up and hugging me and not letting go. Suddenly it was nighttime, and we were just sitting outside in the stars, everyone had left. It was me and my cousins. I guess I went to bed soon after that.

Source: haylan.tumblr.com via lannerart on Pinterest

_________________________________________________________________________________

You guys know the rest of the story about my going off the deep end. I remember being so depressed wanting every single day to just die and not wake up the next day and being so angry with God, why would he do that to me. What had I done wrong? What had my mom done to deserve that? Why not take away and abusive father? Why mine, just at the time he'd gotten saved and was actually beginning to act like a real dad to me, telling me he loves me for the first time in my life? We could have been amazing. Life could have been incredible. To this day, I think of how my life could have ended up different.

God, though showed me, and is continuing to show me a lot. First of all in those hard months, I got a glimpse of my dad's heart toward me. He wasn't the touch feely type and we'd never had an emotional conversation. (Except for that one night I broke curfew and he told me "I've given you everything, how many kids have a TV in their room, how many kids get pocket money and school fees. Whatever you've asked I've given you.") Anyway, those few months, my dad's shell got broken and I saw how much he's always loved us, and how sorry he was for not showing us that.

I got back into Church, though yes, I did quit after he died, I got friends who were there for me and more than that, now I have a home church where I'm excited to serve and hopefully one day pastor in. I wouldn't have known about Mavuno Church if it wan't that.

Source: community.livejournal.com via AmaLia on Pinterest

Most importantly, I realized the transience of life and what it means to completely surrender. Will you love God when he takes away everything? Right now, I can say yes. I realized the purpose of life isn't to live here on earth. The purpose of life is to love here on earth; all the way to heaven. Was my dad dying part of God's purpose for him? No. (Bear with me here I'm getting to my point.) Dying, breaking my heart, this wasn't God's purpose for my dad's life or mine. My purpose, your purpose, the reason we were made is to love God. Wherever my dad is, (maybe in heaven worshiping) because he's saved, he's living his purpose of loving God. Right here, I'm living my purpose of loving God through the storms of this life.

Why them did he make us? Why life? Why earth? These are some tough questions and I probably, don't have the right answer but God made this world for His creation to dwell in as we continue to love on Him, so that we can live in the power of His love and fellowship. So he can continue to build us in becoming His sons and daughters in heaven. We were created as special beings, in the image of God. Whatever heaven holds, its worth the pain on earth. When we get to heaven, none of this stuff will matter. The All-Consuming FIRE, the Passionate Lover, the Jealous God, He'll be lavishing us with His love, and we'll be so consumed by that love that all we'll be doing in heaven is loving God and we can start that right here on earth.


xoxo
Jo

Letter To My Teenage Kids Part 4

Part 4 of the Letter…

Now, to boys. Let me start by my own experience. I’ve had like 3 boyfriends so far. I never dated in high school, like I said; my identity wasn’t rooted on having a boy to date. I was busy dreaming of how I could go to the States and find my first boyfriend there.

So, after high school, I dated an older exotic guy, hehe, he was like from Seychelles or something…and yeah it was exciting, like heh, this older guy likes me, what do I have that other girls his age don’t. That lasted a few weeks until I realized it wasn’t normal. What’s wrong with him, that he can’t find girls his own age? Before I realized this, I have to say, those few weeks wrecked the course of my life. I was rude to my mum and dad; I lost contact with my friends because I got this attitude that I’m better than them and all that. I was just a silly love-struck teenager (18) so that didn’t last, maybe a month or less.

After him, I pretty much didn’t care. I didn’t care whether I was single or dating or whatever. In this mindset I ended up in my longest relationship to date, with, the heartbreaker. He made me so happy and took me to the top of the world. He also made me incredibly sad and took me to the deepest holes. I lived in this roller coaster for almost 8 months. Yaani, I hated him and loved him in equal measure, and he loved me too. But this is what happens when you get into stuff that you’re both too young for, our love, which looking back I realize was just insane, I truly hope that’s not what love really is, and that that’s not what I’m waiting for now. Whatever it was died and as much as we “loved” each other we hated each other. For me, he was my whole life and that’s such a bad place for a person to be in. I stopped focusing on me and my own happiness and focused on him and his. I don’t feel guilty for being a nice person, I carry it with pride that I’m not a bitch and I’m generally nice to people. However, when being nice leads to me putting myself in dangerous situations, that’s where I should have drawn the line and I didn’t. That’s my biggest regret. For him, I guess it was growing up, he was turning into a new person and that person and me just didn’t work together. It was probably a mistake that I started to date him the week after my dad died, so emotionally, I just wasn’t ready because my mind wasn’t right. I left that relationship so broken down. Remember my heart was in my hands, now my heart was in his hands and he took it, jumped all over it, took a trailer, ran over it, took a saw and ripped it to bits. In addition to getting cheated on and dumped! Remember I hadn’t dealt with my dad’s death, because I just jumped into this relationship. So I dealt with both a breakup and death simultaneously. It was really bad, I was depressed for so long that my mum had to take me to hospital to see a shrink.

After that, obviously, I didn’t feel like I could love again, or if anyone would even be interested in me. My self-esteem just died, like people tell you, oh you’re so pretty, you’re so bright, wow, your special, but looking at myself all I could see was trash.

I went on with my life and healed little by little. Inevitably, another guy came along and he loved me like immediately, even I was taken by surprise how quickly that happened. I got my internship and 2 weeks later, I’m already someone else’s girlfriend. I know at this point, you’d think, “oh, finally, a happy ending” and yeah, it was, I mean, with this guy, we’d even talked about marriage, after 2 weeks!!! I mean it was crazy! I think I was so eager to be in love and to prove that I was over what had happened with my ex that I wasn’t thinking straight.

Then, on New Years’ Eve, me, silly, silly, Joanne, decides to end it. I’d been feeling in all of December that this wasn’t right. I felt suffocated, like, now if I’ve found my husband, will this be my life for the rest of my life. I haven’t even lived. I don’t want to live this life my whole family has lived, of oh, college, work for 2 years get married. I want to travel, and sing worship in a rock band and teach and work with kids and do all this stuff that I can’t do being tied down right now. I don’t want an ordinary life that all of Nairobi is living. Yaani, it’s my life, my only life and if I don’t live it now, there’s no second chance. So, I left him and he didn’t understand why, and he kept trying to get me back but I refused and finally he gave up.

I’m happy for that experience, because I honestly felt broken and that I could never love again, but I realized God’s been slowly working on my heart and I’m healing slowly by slowly and this year I just need to make room for him to completely move in me.

Out of Balance

Guys, I am exhausted! I just have been feeling so overwhelmed, like I can burst into tears at the drop of a hat. I've been really considering going back and doing therapy, like last year. It's just that I recognize where I've been and where I am now, is just headed there.

Among many other issues, there's the whole School thing. A couple of my ex-classmates graduated from their school and for me it seems so far away, and there's just so many hurdles that I'll have to go through to get there and I just don't know what to do or where to start. It's definitely my biggest stressor, and once that gets sorted I'll probably be o.k.

Another thing is just that, I wanted my life to head in a certain direction. and I felt like, you know this is it, I've made it till here and finally I can sort of enjoy just being happy and have everything be at a good place, but it's just not happening and it's sort of an uncontrollable situation. All I truly ever want is to be happy, and happiness is an elusive b***** I'm just at a loss.

Last is that I'm just tired. I wish I could have like a holiday or a trip to some relaxing place, and just be catered for and relax...unfortunately, that's not happening any time soon, so I'm just here.

GRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today is just one of those days that I honestly feel like flipping off the entire planet, locking mysef in my apartment, turning up the stereo and forgetting that the rest of the world exist.

Considering I did just flip off a coworker, I need to vent!

So, I'm angry...GRRRRRR!!!!!!!

Sometimes it's easy to put yoursself in overwhelming situations, say yes to everyone and everything just for the sake of avoiding confrontation or because you feel it will make life easier at that particular moment in time.

For example, today I gave a cleaning lady at work money for a fund raising at her church, not that its a bad thing to be generous, but I dont know anything about what they were raising money for, and she said she'd give me a card worth the amount of money I gave her and that didnt happen either. She's just been following me since last week and giving her money was easier than avoiding her forever. That makes me angry.

I'm angry that my caretaker isn't installing my new instant hot water shower head like he was supposed to months ago and now I have to wake up half an hour earlier to warm up water for a bath.

I'm angry that people can blatantly take credit for work that I did, and not show any appreciation whatsoever when I've gone out of my way.

I'm angry that I have to do that stupid CPA Paper yet again.

I'm angry that I feel like I haven't slept in days.

I'm angry for life's complications, and that life isn't as easy as being able to get what you want when you want it*

I'm angry that I still miss my dad.

I'm angry that I live in a tiny apartment, and I'm starting to get claustrophobic.

I guess I've been angry at a lot of things for a while, but I've been reluctant to show anger toward anyone...or infront of anyone...but I'm thankful for this blog where at least I can come to vent, and ease off some of this pressure. Get in touch with my feelings and all that..I feel better now, not thaat much better, but whatever's left can hopefully be resolved by a hot bath (grrr!!! not shower!!!) and passion fruit yoghurt.

Where I've Been?

It gets to a point in life where we've got to be real with ourselves. I haven't been able to sleep the past couple of days. It was just thinking about the usual stuff...things not going as planned. I was watching TBN's Praise The Lord Show yesterday and I caught a Speaker, saying how he was at a meeting and the worship was amazing and everybody's hands were raised and it was totally moving...a couple of minutes later the Service Leader asked, "How many of you are depressed?" and almost everybody's hands shot straight back up.

You guys know I've had my struggles with depression. Just a little mention on that. I know, especially for Kenyans being he hardcore country that we are, depression ranks among the least of what I guess I can call Health Problems. Yet, suicides, alcoholism, murder-suicides and most crimes are still rampant and they can be easily avoided if mental health was taken a bit more seriously. Depression isn't just a melancholy mood that you can just snap out of. If we removed the stigma, made it possible for people to go out and talk about their situations and get help before they turn to drastic measures, we could nip these problems in the bud.

Anyway, back to me :-) I've been o.k. for a while so somewhere along the line, I let down my guard. So the sneaky little devil sneaked up on me. Physically it started with headaches here and there, then a little bit of acidity and heartburn, then just feeling low and wanting to sleep all day, missing Church because I want to sleep all day, then the peak was the complete opposite with crazy insomnia. I'd literally only catch some sleep at midnight and wake up at 2 a..m. Then came the lashing out. Finally I ended up in tears on the bathroom floor. It's always the same pattern, and I can recognize it when it happens, but I just can't get out of it. I usually feel like I can't deal with life, like everything is hopeless, every emotion and every thought is amplified. I mean I can be thinking about a friend who hurt me 10 years ago, and the pain will be like 10 times more than what you'd expect. Guilt, fear, anger, the tiniest of thoughts is amplified and it feels 100 times worse than what-rationally-I'm supposed to feel.

Another Speaker on Praise The Lord, Pastor Troy Gramling, said something that really encouraged me. He said, that we will get problems and afflictions in life. It feels horrible, but it's a burden that God's trusted you with. God is a loving God. He made us to love Him and He intended for us to live in His love. What we go through here on earth...God's trusted you enough to let you go through that experience because He knows you can go through it and come out on the other side still holding fast to Him.There's also the whole aspect of Him using our experiences to show Himself strong.

Another Speaker Dominic Russo Jr. who I absolutely loved, talked about how God always resources His front-line. We never go into battle unarmed.

Pastor Troy also talked about how we need to be honest with ourselves. When we stuff...stuff down, sooner or later it's all going to come bursting out. I liked that because it's what the Pastors at Mavuno talk about. The aspect of being real and coming as you are.

When I was going through what I was going through, I'm lucky that I have my mom and I thank God for her. First, because she recognized what I was going through and she gave me my space and didn't bug me to talk to her or tell me what to do. That's hard because can you imagine being stuck in a house with someone who's walking around like a zombie and who's not eating or talking to you?! Second, she was there when I was ready to talk and she just listened, she didn't tell me I was being irrational or that I was overreacting. This is hard because my issues are so blown up in my own head and I, myself, know I'm overreacting, can you imagine the temptation to just slap someone across the face and say "shut up you're overreacting!" lol. Third, she didn't try to solve it on her own. She told me to pray about it, which was the best thing I could have done.

Normally, I wouldn't tell someone, "Pray over it" I just feel like it's a cheap, Christian cliché answer. I realized though, that sometimes, what else can you do? I know more than anyone, I can't handle my stuff without help from God. I just sat down, read my One Year Bible and I slept for the first time, the last two nights in a row without any problem. My problems haven't gone away, but my attitude is slowly but surely changing. That's always a good thing.

So there you have it, that's where I've been the last weeks or months. I'm getting better. I am better.