Can't We All Just Live Together...

I am surrounded by some very opinionated people. I'm pretty opinionated myself, I'm just not very confrontational so if we go on and on in a debate and you refuse to accept I'm right, then I'll probably just nod and say, "OK", while thinking, "you are so wrong, I feel so sorry for you" :-p

Anyway, I'm constantly inundated by people's opinions particularly on being a single "Christian" woman. Ick!, I hate that term. It sounds so death-by-plague-ish. This is the point of my post.

I'm sick of people villifying other people for their choices on how they choose to handle the seasons in their lives.

You see posts like, "why do you think the grass is greener on the other side, just find happiness in being single" or "you'll never be content when you're married if you're not content by yourself" I don't know how to describe these statements, I'm sure you know what I mean though.


There's definitely truth to them. I'm just like, on the other side of the coin, quit shaming people for their feelings! I, for example, am perfectly content in who I am and what I'm doing in my life. I can be content and still be hungry for more. Every time though, that someone tells me something like, "Did you go to Bible school for Jesus or for a husband?" mostly other single people, by the way, they imply that I have a reason to be ashamed of my feelings. My truth is that there was room in my heart for both Jesus and dating and that is no more right or wrong than your uni-directional heart. I've got some pretty awesome things going on in my life, I kinda have a desire to share them, there's nothing wrong with that? Don't put me in a place where I have to hide or be ashamed or be fearful about the condition of my heart when I know and God knows that I have no reason to fear or be ashamed.

So, yes Christian world, I am ready to mingle and grab coffees and dinners and it's NOT A BIG DEAL and it's nothing to be ashamed or fearful of!!! Oy Vey!!! You'll either sink or swim, but you'll never know by sitting in the middle of the boat with your eyes squeezed shut.

"So, yes Christian world, I am ready to mingle and grab coffees and dinners and it's NOT A BIG DEAL and it's nothing to be ashamed or fearful of!!! Oy Vey!!!"

So I know it's kind of ironic writing that people should stop writing to disparage others while it may sound like I'm disparaging those people myself, so I'll end my rant here. My point is just to ask, can't we all live together? Handle your seasons the way the Holy Spirit and your community is leading you to handle it, and let me handle mine the same way. There's room for all of us.

In-Laws

I watched this episode of 7th Heaven once where Eric and Annie were quizzing Mary and Lucy about what they wanted in a husband. Mary's opinion was that he should be independent from his parents because she was not planning on being one of those girls who "leaves and cleaves". On the other hand, Lucy was all, "I should be close to his family because I'm definitely going to leave and cleave."

I'm such a Lucy. One of my biggest prayers is that my future husband comes from a great family. Specifically I pray for his parents and grandparents. For his mom and I to have a relationship as good or better than my mom has with my sister-in-law. For his dad to be amazing and a huge part of our lives, just because I really want a dad in my life. For his grandparents to be healthy and amazing and a part of our lives. For his siblings to be some of my closest friends. Those things really matter to me. At the same time, obviously I pray for my guy to fit into my family and find his place there. For my siblings to feel free to call him up for whatever reason. For my nephews and nieces to be in love with him. For my mom to absolutely love him.

I am definitely a leave and cleave girl.

Learning How to Flirt Again

We interrupt the Italy updates to talk about my favorite topic...LOVE!

I'm still on my journey in finding love, my love, the love of my life. I've gotta say, it's getting harder the closer it feels. God speaks to me really clearly in this particular area, I think because I'm especially keen to listen :-) and I truly, wholeheartedly believe it's happening very soon, when this handsome young man finally walks into my life.

So I came across this video on YouTube.

It's really interesting. It talks about how over 40% of Americans over 18 are single and how most of us (still 100% Kenyan, just grouping myself in here for a second) when asked are looking for love, trust & companionship, but always assume that other single people are only looking for sex, money or status. So the guy asks the respondents to take a risk and tell someone that they are attracted to, what qualities they are attracted to. It's pretty sweet actually.

I live in that culture though, here at Bethel, where you affirm people and tell them what qualities they have that stand out. However, I must confess, it's a lot harder when it comes to guys I'm actually attracted to. I don't know why. I guess, I'm still in that school of thought where I like him, but I don't want him to know I like him, so I treat him different from how I treat other guys and I stare secretly but ignore him awkwardly, so in the end he stills knows I like him, except that now he thinks I'm a weirdo and ignores me anyway. Yeah...it's crazy.

This video made me think though.

It's one thing if our eyes meet across a crowded hallway and sparks fly...at this point though, I don't even remember what it looks like when eyes meet and how to give that flirtatious gaze without looking desperate. I used to be an expert! OH, MINISTRY SCHOOL WHAT HAST THOU DONE TO ME!!! Kidding, kidding, relax!

I should end this without making it any more embarrassing. Let's summarize...

1. Take risks
2. Always affirm people because everybody likes to hear how awesome they are
3. Read a book on flirting and remind yourself about how it's done

:-)

Friday Night

Friday night seems like the perfect night to catch up on what's been happening on the dating scene :-) Hahaha, it's Friday night & I'm blogging, that catches you up!

I don't know I've learned a lot about myself these past couple of months and I'm kinda glad I'm sort of forced to process them with God. We talk about dating with my friends a lot, so I don't want to act coy & pretend I've not been thinking or praying about it. There are times of impatience, times of doubt where you think, "does anybody notice me :-( :-(" But there is also this overriding season of peace. I know myself & the dreams God's placed in  my heart. I've gotten a couple of dreams & prophetic words on family, plus I was born on Mother's Day, I'm taking that & running with it!

I've been thinking a lot about purity & boundaries. I think it's been hitting me just how much my choices will affect my kids. There are 2 versions of the example I've led for them. The first is a cautionary tale on how not to do life. Now that I have this abundant life, I get the chance to show them how to do life. I'm writing their script in a way. I don't want to be the type of parent who lays down the law & pushes them against me even more. I want to be able to show them different paths, the consequences of each and make them know they are powerful by the choices they make.

So what's the new version I want to write for them? It may look like dating in groups or having chaperones. It may look like discussing boundaries with Spiritual authority/parents. It may look like saving "I Love You" for my engagement. It may look like holding hands & hugging being the extent of our intimacy. These are definitely going to be interesting conversations to have with him, whoever he is.

Right now, it looks like developing great friendships. It looks like desiring God with all my heart. It looks like fighting for my breakthroughs in intimacy with God & friends. It looks like rejoicing with those who rejoice & not being jealous or comparing myself to them. It looks like being joyful & thankful. It looks like not being sleeping beauty with my life on hold until Prince Charming gets bold enough to ask me out ;-). It looks like trusting God & living out the fact that He is good.

What I Learned about Love & Marriage From Samsung

OK, so if you follow me on Twitter or Facebook or Instagram(!) you know how I got a new phone this past week. First off, my sincere apologies for talking about it SO much, one last time, I promise! But, I've never had a Smartphone before, so I keep telling guys how I feel like I've been living under a rock! I mean, I talk to this phone and it does what I say without complaining. That sounds crazy, but its actually true. (Hello S-Voice).

Anyway, so I've been excited over this phone. I begged my family to buy one for me as a birthday present LAST YEAR of course everyone refused. I mean, until today, my mom goes like, "Remember that time you asked me to buy you that phone? BHAHAHA!"

So, I've worked and saved money for the past 3 months, meaning, no pizza dates, no weekend drives to pick up my friends and go to lunch, no red velvet cake from java, no Steers - oh my gosh why does it sound like all my life seems to revolve around food? OK, no biking trips in Karura Forest (am I redeemed? :-) )

via

Anyway, I've saved up and I researched, oh boy did I research I have like 10 YouTube Videos on "Unboxing & Review" of this phone and that phone. "Comparison between Phone X & Y" etc. I went to the Samsung store every weekend to test these phones I basically knew everything there was to know about them. Everyday as I woke up at 5 a.m and trudged to work, got insulted day in day out by my boss, I stuck it out because I knew, August will be here soon and I'll have enough money to get this phone!

August finally came, but my paycheck came in late. A few weeks later, I got the money, but my debit card expired. So I got a new debit card, but the purchase was over the limit. So, I waited till a couple of days later, got the money, but the Samsung store was closed for renovation. So, I went to another store, they were sold out. I went to another store, they were sold out too. Finally got to a 3rd store and they had it!

via

Oh, sweet joy, they had it! I got it all set up. Got home, played around with it. Went to work the next day, downloaded all the apps, played around with it some more. 3 days later and I'm done. The excitement is virtually gone. I mean, for sure, I absolutely LOVE looking at it, and having it and knowing it's mine and I will protect it with everything. But it's not like I expected, 3 months of work for 3 days of excitement, doesn't seem like a fair trade off.

It got me thinking, love and marriage could end up being the same thing depending on how you are in your single years.

As a Christian, knowing all I know about love because of experiencing it through God every day (Amen?!) and through my friends and through the people I interact with from my new school and having this redeemed life, I get excited thinking about getting married and being in love, if this is what love is like.

via

It's easy to spend a day fantasizing about this future boyfriend/husband etc and how great life would be. Its easy when you're finally dating to be excited about being in love, hoping this is the one and jumping, not necessarily just into physical intimacy, but also into seemingly innocent emotional intimacy, like spending too much time together, saying I love you too quickly, prioritizing them over your own quiet time, not taking time to develop a friendship, etc.

Just like me and my 3 day excitement, we rob ourselves of the fruit of the wait when we spend the wait barely waiting. Living in the fruit of the moment before the actual moment.

Anyway lemme end this long post, I promised myself I wouldn't do that anymore :) just food for thought. Have a great weekend everybody!

Bucket List Item #1 Dinner at Ali Barbours

I think a lot of times we take for granted all the absolutely wonderful treasures God has given us to enjoy. I just pray I remain the girl whose moved to tears by a beautiful sunset/sunrise, have you looked at the sky lately we've been having some great ones, my phone is full of pictures, I did a post once, check it out.

Anyway, I thought it would be cool to start a bucket list here, since this blog does document my life...it might just happen that one day I get the chance to do some of these things.

This 1st one was actually on CNN Travels top 10 things to do in Kenya...are you ready for this?

This is Ali Barbours Cave Restaurant in Diani/South Beach [30km South of Mombasa]

I mean come on, how ridiculously perfect does this look?! I mean, there's "Honey, let me take you out to a romantic dinner." and then there's "Honey, I'm taking you to Ali Barbours".

In their words: "Dine beneath a star-filled night sky with a sense of style, flair, extraordinary levels of service and comfort and genuine hospitality"

"Built underground in natural caves inside what was - a very long time ago a coral reef, with an opening above through which one can see the stars.."

According to the reviews, the food is amazing and the menus even have kindle lights so as to not 'affect the ambiance' plus free transport to and from your hotel!

 

Plenty of Fish, What's Your Bait?

 

 

 

 

Where you fish for romance and the bait you use to catch a mate says a lot about the virtues you live by. If you fish in the shark-invested waters of bars and parties, especially if you fish with only bait sharks bite, please don't be shocked when you catch a hammerhead. The type of bait you use often determined the kind of fish you will catch." Source

Taking Back My Heart Part 1

Last week I talked about how I don't believe in love anymore and how the concept of falling in love freaked me out more than exciting me and how maybe I shouldn't jump into it at all.

Last week, I lied.

Yes, the concept of love freaks me out. There is so much wrong about relationships these days. So much pressure and so much uncertainty. I spoke out of fear instead of faith and that was absolutely wrong.

This is what I forgot; through the dark, seemingly tempestuous times of trying to figure out how to find the elusive "happily ever after", one thing remains.

God.

In all my fear and uncertainty, I forgot that one simple fact. I've done relationships in the past alone, God was never in the equation. I saw a guy I liked and I pursued them and never gave a thought to God. Not even a "hmm maybe I should pray about it and sleep on it." If I saw a guy I liked, I switched on the flirt button and switched off the God button.

That's not me anymore. God gave me a vision and a plan for my life and of course  part of that is having a good relationship and that will not come with me hiding this brand new heart I keep talking about in fear. I wasn't even planning on posting this, but this song by my church-mate, worship team-mate and amazing singer I'm proud to be associated with fits into this post so well.

It's called "Heart Right Here" by Jaya.

For my non-Swahili speaking friends, the song is generally about how the devil tried to rob her joy and keep her locked up in fear and doubt. The part she sings, "nimechoka kufungiwa" means, "I'm tired of being restrained/locked up" the rest is in English and you can follow along. It's an awesome song and a great way to end this post. We're definitely coming back to this topic though.

"There used to be a heart right here and I want it back NOW!"

How Much Is Too Much? AKA The Single Girl Rant

I hit the jackpot of friends and family; in fact I figure the reason I’m not much of a relationship girl is because the world already gave me so many good friends, if I had any more, it would be unfair to the rest of the population.

OK, that’s a load of BS…

What I should say is I love my friends, adore them, they are the best. They are always there for me, they pick me up when I’m down and a few of them would do anything for me – most of the time. However, I’d be lying if I said there’s no down side to having people so invested in my life.

I haven’t exactly had the best track record in relationships, I know that. Believe me, I’ve lived through every hurtful, frustrating experience and as much as I may call my friends and family to console me or pick me up when I’m down and give them the details of what’s happened, they haven’t lived it. They aren’t me, their thought processes and they way they handle stuff isn’t me.

With my history, I get being protective over me, but it’s not the most fun process when every time I tell my family about a guy I’m seeing they’re like, “You know that’s not going anywhere right? Don’t kid yourself.” When they haven’t even met the guy! Or my friends saying, “Are you sure going out on a 1^st date is a good idea?” and when I say “YOLO” or words to that effect, they’re like, “OK if you insist.” I mean what is that?!

Then what happens is I start over-thinking stuff and not enjoying the process because I’m more trying to prove a point to my family/friends that “Hey, I can force this relationship into working” rather than trying to have fun and live my own life, and voila, crash and burn, right out of the gate. I set this undue pressure on myself to have this epic relationship in the first 2 weeks because everybody’s pressuring me to get him to give me a label or I feel like I have to do this that or the other to play in the same field as everyone else in my circle who’s in a committed relationship. (The curse of being the only “single” girl in a group of friends and family!)

Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I’ve given people too much freedom to speak into my life without really discerning them or knowing or trusting myself enough or having enough spine to know what I’m doing without their feedback. Maybe not calling or texting my friends about everything is part of growing up.

The point is I’m just 22 years old. Not everyone gets to go through the simple journey of falling in love with 1 guy and ending up together for the rest of your lives. My journey’s different. I’m not the 1^stgirl who had to kiss a hundred frogs to find Prince Charming – DISNEY WROTE A FREAKING MOVIE ABOUT IT!!!! 

Look, I don’t know what it’s going to look like when I fall in love for real. I wish I did but I don’t and neither does anybody else. Everyone has an idea of what the person I’ll end up with will look like, so do I…but none of us know for sure. So what do you want me to do in the mean time, lock myself in my room and never go out on dates or give out my phone number? 

Listen, I love my friends and family to bits and I appreciate everything they’ve done for me, but step back a little bit. Don’t feel sorry for me. Don’t tell me I’m doing this wrong or that wrong or that I’m doing something like some pathetic friend of yours who I don’t even know (because hey, you might say it indirectly but it still hurts so stop comparing me to your weird friends!!!). Don’t tell me “You’re so boy crazy, I’ve only had 2 boyfriends and I married the 2^ndone.” That reeeally helps me!!!

If you’re one of my many guy friends, don’t tell me “I’m sorry you’ve been meeting guys who are jerks and I hope you find love soon.” then 5 minutes later do the same thing that you’ve just listened to me complaining about. Hello, maybe it’s not that I’m the unlucky girl who’s been meeting guys who are jerks, judging from your behavior; maybe it’s that most guys ARE jerks. 

If you’re my ex, don’t tell me how great of a girl I am and that I’m a gift from heaven and how some guy will be lucky to have me.

If you’re in a relationship, don’t tell me all these things about what you did right and what I’m doing wrong because the fact of the matter it was just luck, there’s no science behind it and no relationship is as perfect as you make it out to be. 9 times out of 10 I deliberately choose to walk away from a wrong situation because I'd rather be lonely alone than lonely, confused, angry and frustrated by the wrong guy! (Yes, as you keep reminding me I was dumped that one time and it sucked, but I learnt from it and moved on!)

So tonight I’m saying enough is enough. I’m tired of all the well meaning but cruel advice. I’m tired of being fed by people and not allowing myself to listen to my own voice. I’m tired of the same old patterns. I’m tired of being made to feel bad about myself because I’m 22 years old and I’m not married. I AM TWENTY TWO! I’m tired of dreading my birthday because I live in fear that 30 will get here and I really truly do end up an old maid. I’m tired of re-thinking and re-living the past and going through old game tapes to see what I could have done better or plan my strategy for next time. I’m tired of people who keep reminding me of my past mistakes. Mostly, I’m tired of living in fear.

I was single for an entire year of my life. I’m at a place where I know myself and what I want pretty well. I WILL STILL MAKE MISTAKES because I’m a girl and I believe in love and romance and I’m in love with being in love and I give people chances when I shouldn’t, but that doesn’t make me a failure. With all the crap I’ve gone through, closing my heart off and becoming filled with bitterness and resentment, that’s what will make me a failure! The fact that I can still hope and love is a miracle. 

Last January (2012) I asked God once again to mend my broken heart, because I’d been through so much all I could see were shattered pieces, and He showed me my heart put back together, at first with ugly cracks in between and still looking shattered, but He worked on it until it was perfectly formed and beautiful. That’s what He’s been doing in me for the past year. 

So don’t worry about me dating 1 guy or 100 till I find my “one” because all I can do is love. That’s what I was created to do. To love and hopefully find the person who’ll love me back the way I deserve. I choose not to be broken because I loved and wasn’t loved back in return. Do Heaven’s resources run out just because I “wasted” love on somebody who ended up breaking my heart? I’ll shed a few tears and that’s normal, but I won’t break. He already put me back together nothing can tear me apart again. 

Again, I love my friends and family, but I think from this year, I’m taking things slow and keeping things between me and God for a while.

xx

Jo

Self-Awareness

I was talking to a friend of mine about how important it is to get to a point where you’re settled and find fullness in yourself. Not in a job or in a relationship or in all these other external stuff. I’ve definitely been feeling that this year, as you all well know.

I have to admit I have lost my footing for a while, I won’t lie, serving in Church last month was HARD! I was at Church practically every night and if not at Church then doing a Church related activity, reports or reading for Mizizi, vocal class, rehearsals, Mizizi classes and on top of that studying for campus exams, it was just a lot! I wasn’t really doing it from a place of overflow because well, I wasn’t getting filled up.

I miss Bill Johnson and Kris Vallotton and Jeremy Riddle and Jenn Johnson…i.e. my Bethel Church podcasts, I haven’t had time to watch my favorite people.

December hasn’t been any better because family has been intense, my sister’s due date is fast approaching so I’m trying to pitch in where I can and help her and keep my nephew occupied so she can relax and have some fun before life completely changes again. My nephew though is a stubborn one and when he screams "I want mommy", no amount of distraction from me will work :-)

I read my Bible maybe twice a week at best…so my identity has definitely been shaken. The past two weeks I’ve just been thinking, “Who am I?” and then it hit me, wait, haven’t I already answered these questions before? I know exactly who I am, I know exactly what I want to do, I know where I’m meant to be and that is simply with God. Obviously there’s specifics: career, where to live, who to be friends with, but point is all that comes from me knowing who I am in God. 

I keep saying I don’t have this whole God thing figured out. I don’t know how that will happen, the day when I’m always “on” or connected. But honestly, this week, I felt pursued. After ignoring God for weeks, I get a text from a new blog reader ;-)and it reminded me of this whole thing, who I am and why I do what I do. A couple minutes later, I stumble upon Bethan's blog about life at BSSM. Then a song comes on and wah, never-failing thick presence, I felt a rush of love, and I know I TOTALLY don’t deserve to be loved or pursued by someone I’ve treated so badly, but that’s just what He does.

So, me and God, I am so in this, there’s no getting out. I’ll have to figure out how I’ll make time and how I’ll maintain that because life hasn’t stopped being busy, in fact it’s about to get busier in 2013, but I need to figure it out.

The wedding I went to also had a sort of reverse impact on me. I’ve said before how when I was in High School I knew without any doubt that I would be married at 22! I turned 21 and said, ok, maybe by 24, but now, I’m like, that’s probably not what’s going to happen with my life. 

Marriage and relationships aren’t the be all, end all of life. I have tons of dreams and stuff I would love to experience in my own life and I can’t keep molding innocent people I date into what I want same way I can’t keep changing myself to fit into the personality of whoever I’m dating. 

So right now, I’m like whatever happens will happen, I’m not actively pursuing anything specific. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely want love, but I’m not going through any stress or sadness or drama to get it. I think when 2 people want to be together, 1 party doesn’t have to do the heavy lifting, it just happens. In this phase of my life I’m Zen.

Yes, also the fact that the bride and groom hadn’t slept together despite dating 6 years rocked me...a whole blog post needs to be done about this statement alone, hehehe.

My family and friends have been absolutely essential to me this year, from Joe telling me how I’m an awesome friend or Michelle telling me I’m a full package all on my own and also showing me some crazy tough love, or my sister and Abby telling me to enjoy every moment of life now but keep things in perspective, or Ted who's constantly teaching me the value of patience and understanding, honestly I have the best BFF’s. I know self-awareness is all about me knowing me, but they deserve recognition too.

Anyway, more to come on this.

xx

Jo

Date Night Ideas: Love Letters

Source: vi.sualize.us via Mary on Pinterest

This is a good one,

Source: etiquetteforagentleman.tumblr.com via Jamie on Pinterest

Imagine with me for a minute, if occasionally during the week, when either you or your special someone feel inspired, or touched, you wrote each other a little note and put it in one of these, set up somewhere in your house:


A mason jar:

Source: marthastewartweddings.com via Ashley on Pinterest

Or a good looking mailbox that fits your decor:

Source: braidmetojune.tumblr.com via Courtney on Pinterest

Then once a week/fortnight/month whatever your date night rules are, you carried these out with you on your date and went through them?

Source: via Addie on Pinterest

Source: etsy.com via Mandie on Pinterest

Source: insomniaticthoughts.tumblr.com via Wandile on Pinterest

Source: etsy.com via Wandile on Pinterest

Source: woolcotton.tumblr.com via Wandile on Pinterest

Source: highestcommondenominator.tumblr.com via Wandile on Pinterest

Source: highestcommondenominator.tumblr.com via Wandile on Pinterest

Ever the Hopeful Romantic,
Jo

Date Outfit

No, my friends, I’m still very much single! However, a girl can’t help but look at her closet and dream. When I’m back on the scene, I don’t want to be jeans every date like I used to be, especially after all the growing up I’ve done!

I’m feeling very feminine now…and the girl has turned into a woman…Haha!

Anyway, I figure this is a cute outfit for grabbing lunch or coffee…out of the city center and if I’m driving, those stories for girls being howled at (or even stripped) in “down” town or those sides for bus station, when they wear short skirts or short shorts, I don’t want none of that!!!

Grey vest - Bus Station

White belt – Gifted by mom

Grey skirt – Bought those huge 1990’s skirts on Thika Rd and I got it tailored

Zebra print flats – Muthurwa shopping trip with my mom (no way I can go to Muthurwa alone J)

xo

Jo

Quotes

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

source

 

“I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”

source

xo

Jo 

My 5 Love Languages

You've all heard of the 5 love languages? Every body has a specific set of qualities or "languages" that translate into how best that person feels love. Basically, you can buy someone all the gifts in the world but they still don't feel like you love them because that's not their primary love language. Check it out here.

They have this quiz on their website, which obviously I did and these were my results:

1. Quality Time 10/12
2. Receiving Gifts 7/12
3. Words of Affirmation 5/12
4. Physical Touch 5/12
5. Acts of Service 3/12

This is actually quite spot on. Personally, I don't care how many texts you send, how long we can talk on the phone, or how well you can wine and dine me and shower me with gifts, to me, if you don't give up some of your time to spend with me, no big plans, but just meeting for the sake of meeting, I'm not going to feel secure in that relationship.

People complicate stuff. You live in Nairobi, we have parks all over the city, but someone decided walking in the park is shady and now people don't meet because guys are scared we're expecting fancy dinners. I always say, Java is great, but not all great relationships need to be built at Java. There's a time and place for fancy dinners and coffee, but also make room for the simple meet and greet, walk in the park, bum around town, go buy movies and stop for a soda somewhere. If you're in town shopping, ask the girl if she'd like to join you. Simple!

Also, depending on where you're at in your life, "come over we watch a movie" is not a date. When you're first getting to know someone, actually, I think this carries forward into until he's put a ring on it or at least is close to, avoid compromising situations and intimate moments. You should be getting to know each other, you'll have the rest of your lives (hopefully) to sit around the house alone watching movies, but right now, hang out in the sun, with friends/family, get to know each other. Get rained on waiting for a bus in town, conquer inconveniences like that together, build actual memories and experiences.

{at this point let me interject, unless you've dated for a long long time, it's not o.k to go to Imbiss fish and chips or those fast food joints with the high top chairs! Save that for your boys. If money is a problem, at least go to the places with the small tables and chairs - and pay the entire bill - no going Dutch/Splitsies}

Anyway, back to my languages, this is what they say on the website;

Quality Time

In Quality Time, nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Receiving gifts obviously comes up next. You know the quote, "Whatever you invest your time and money into, therein your heart lies." Again, no big, grand, expensive thing. The best gift I've ever gotten from a guy was when a guy I dated wrote and read me a poem, he knew I was into poetry and song writing and he wrote one for me. I can't remember the words, it wasn't award winning in any way, but I've never forgotten that.

No surprise, Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch rank hand in hand. I dated a guy who'd tell me the sweetest things and text the corniest lines, yet when we met up, he didn't hold my hand. I know it's crazy and means nothing to most people, but dadgum it, it means a lot to me. I love PDA, and if holding hands is the best you can do, then hold my freaking hand, throw your arm around me, make me feel like I'm not one of the guys or that girl in your class you have study group with, come on!

Acts of Service are awesome too, go out of your way to do something nice. Yeah I know it's a hassle waking up early to do something, or getting home late when all you wanted to do was chill, but in the grand scheme of things, you're not going to be like, "I wish I had slept more instead of..." or "I wish I didn't pay that fare or fuel the car going to..." unless you're dating a particularly annoying person, in which case that's another story. But if you're in a good relationship or you're hoping to build a good relationship, all the minor inconveniences you faced in getting where you want to go, trust me they won't matter in the long run. (They'll probably not matter in the short-run when you see your girl scream in surprise when you drop by to give her a hug after she's had a bad day, or see that smile or get that hug that says, "Oh my gosh, you did that for me", dude, you'll feel like a rock star! Not to mention score about a million points with him/her)

Obviously these mean nothing if there's no trust and commitment in your relationship and both of you aren't committed to building toward something and making it work. We'll look more at this tomorrow.

Make sure you drop by the website and do the quiz with your loved one.

Getting Personal: Dating

{First posted on Raha and Love}

I don't talk that much about my personal life on my blogs; sure if I have an especially memorable day, I'll flood you with pictures, but that's mostly because I love having a sort of online diary where all my memories and pics are, like Facebook with words and chronology, but other than that, the day to day stuff I keep to myself. Besides, if my entire life and thoughts are here, what fun will there be for people who meet me in real life to get to know me?

I write about lessons I learn and how those apply to my life. Today though, I'll tell you a little about my dating life or lack of...

Didn't date in High School. I just had very great day dreams about a Christian rock-star guitarist whisking me off to get married by the time I turned 21. Seriously, I wanted to get married by 21!

The second I joined college though, suddenly I was flooded with guys! I went on tons of dates, had tons of crushes, a couple of potential boyfriends, none of them worked out. In my head, I still want(ed) that Christian rock-star guitarist and the guys I crushed on wanted that girl who goes clubbing every weekend, which I wasn't. Somewhere in the middle of that though, I caved in and turned into that girl and my Christian rock-star guitarist dream disappeared. About a year later things ended and I finally realized, I can only be me.

Yeah, so I joined Mizizi at Mavuno Church; little by little, God pieced my heart back together, kinda brought me back to myself, restored me...tried dating again here and there but my heart just wasn't in it. So, after a timely message at my Church, I took a 1 year pledge to work on myself and my relationship with God - being the one instead of looking for the one - as we call it. My prayer that day, February 5th was something like,

“Lord, I suck at this dating thing. I really do. I've tried and failed to follow my own way. I don’t want to lead guys on and have a boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend. And Lord, I don’t EVER want to go through this heartbreak ever again and I don't want to break anybody's heart again. Please, I pray that the next person I date, is the one that you would have me marry.”

So, I'm still in the year, not done with the pledge. 2 years after the breakup, I was finally able to close the door with that other guy amicably so there's no bitterness and issues left there, yayy! I got into music and serving in Church which I LOVE!

Learning to let God be my everything. All this other stuff is just details, details that I love, I mean, I love being in love - sweaty palms, heart racing, excited when the phone rings, taking goofy pictures - I love all of that, and I'm praying I get all that some day soon, but really, it's just "all these other things". I'm learning to let God be my everything.  He's the only one that can truly tell me who I'm meant to be and complete me; I don't get fully how He'll do that, but He will.

Yeah, so that's me.

The Altar Doesn't Alter

Honestly, if you listen to some radio stations in the morning, you would never ever want to get married. Like this morning, the discussion was on how men marry for 3 things, good food, clean house, and sex, and if you are unable to provide one or all of these things, then he absolutely has to have a girl on the side,

People called in and I think the saddest one was this lady who'd been married 8 years and in their 5th year while she was on maternity leave, she found out her husband had an affair with one of her friends, and this discovery led to a lot more because the guy had cheated a bunch of times before that. She says she got married as a virgin and now she's living with HIV.

Another guy called in and said he just doesn't get turned on by his wife, they don't have sex and he's not cheating, he just doesn't want it.

What about the stories of the girl who cant cook and the husband sends her back to her mother's...yeah, it happens. Or the men who cheat with the housemaid, or bring girls home from the bar and kick the wife out of bed! I even watched a Nigerian movie about this girl who married this extremely handsome man and on the wedding night the guy is like, "there's no hurry, we're both tired" same story for 6 weeks, finally the girl finds out the guy is gay. Or like the guy who just yesterday was a sweetheart and now, if you don't get that spot out of his shirt, he throws it in your face.

Yeah, so you know that fear I was talking about yesterday, as you can see, it just about quadrupled!

Rick Shurtz, a pastor from Gateway Church in Austin said once, "The altar doesn't alter the condition of your hearts..." We even see this in the Bible, Jacob marrying Leah didn't make him love her anymore because his heart was already set on something else (Rachel) - {Genesis 29 and 30}

Before you get into it with someone, be smart, it's called due diligence. My Pastor talked about how couples nowadays date in isolation, you can be with someone for months and the person's never introduced you to his friends or family, that's a deal breaker! You end up falling in love with someone's image that they've purported and not the real person. I grew up in the, "come over we watch a movie" generation, so I know!

Pastor M recommended doing group hangouts, inviting each other to your life groups, casual family stuff, being out in public and seeing how they react to certain situations like a rude waiter or a random person that's bumped into them and scuffed their shoe. You'll never see that when you're indoors. Check out what their friends think about them, their family dynamic, their character.

I feel like this would work a lot better than Facebook stalking your girlfriend or being married and counting their mileage to see if they came straight home from work, or hugging them and sniffing for signs of perfume or cologne.

About the whole sex in marriage thing, obviously, I have no comment, but I found this great article all you married folks might find interesting:

"In a nutshell, here’s what I think: a healthy marriage consists of give and take in every area, including sex. So the wife should give when she’s able, as much as she’s able, and as enthusiastically as she’s able. At the same time, when she is not able, the husband should then give grace. To me, that’s a healthy marriage. For most of the month, you have a great time, and then for those five days you concentrate on other areas of relating, like talking, or cuddling, or watching a movie, or whatever–unless, of course, she would like to do something more sexual (and about 30% of women do. There’s nothing wrong with that!)... {Continue reading....}