Community

Disclaimer: Kris Vallotton is one of my favorite pastors and (if he knew me) would totally be disappointed in what I’m about to write because he’s all about community and not believing in lies about your identity but I’ll just write it anyway because this is just how my week has been.

I’m not a very social person. It’s just in my DNA, I don’t tend to make friends with everyone or go above and beyond to bond with everyone in a room. I talk to a lot of people and since I was a kid in kindergarten I’ve always been in the “popular crowd”, but mostly because I was friends with the most popular girl and they made me popular. But really at my core, I’m a loner, which is why it’s so weird now when I meet people from school they’re like, “I wanted to talk to you back then but you were always in that crowd and didn’t want to talk to me” when it’s me who felt like that.

That popularity gene started dying off in my 2^ndyear of High School when I was friends with a popular girl and got BURNED! By then I’d kinda found my own niche and didn’t really feel the need to hang with so and so to feel good about myself. I enjoyed school a lot more after that although my extra-curricular activities still placed me in a position where I wasn’t too obscure.

Fast forward to today where...
to make friends I have to actively pursue it. These past years in college I’ve made some really good friends, but now as we’re leaving, I think the crowd is somewhat tapering off which is good in a way because there are some people who we just grew in different directions, but there are others who to be honest, this separation process is killing me.

Then there are the friendships that you try and make and try to bond with people but they just don’t seem interested in letting you in. I get that sometimes you’re kinda off in your own world, I’m like that sometimes, but it still hurts when someone isn’t receptive or returning the same courtesy when they don’t even know you – like, they aren’t interested in what you have to offer or they just don’t like you for whatever reason.

This is why this hurts me when I’m the one calling and texting and initiating conversations and the other person isn’t – it devalues me. I know this is where Kris V would say, your identity is in Christ, you have value because it’s God who assigns value.

It hurts me because I am a good friend, I care about people, I include people. Like now being in worship team, some people might perceive me as joining a “restricted clique” but I’m always quick to dismiss that and ask for their number to tell them when auditions come up. When someone looks like they don’t fit in, I go up grab their hand and include them. When my friends go through stuff, I care about them like it’s my problem. When it’s my friends’ birthday, I’ll throw them a party. I go above and beyond looking for gifts that’ll make that other person get that surprised-oh-my- gosh-I-can’t-believe-you-care-that-much-about-me-face. I LOVE that face!

All I’m asking is when will it be my turn.

I hate this excuse people give, “If they want to hang out with me, they should tell me.” I had a youth pastor who said the same thing, “If you want me to mentor you or advise you, you have to tell me I won’t look for you.” This same pastor did nothing to seek me out when my dad died. It’s a little extreme of an example but based on that premise, can I propose that it’s easier to open the door for someone on the outside from the inside than to have that person knock on the door standing out in the cold.

At youth group when I finally made it into “a circle” or when I passed my audition for worship team, I said in a couple of meetings, “Now that we’re here and we’ve made it, let’s make it easier for those who’ll come after us and include them and not make them feel like they’re stuck in the outside group when we’re in this other group.” 

I try to live by that, to live by caring for others and trying to care for them the way I’d like to be cared for, reaching beyond my comfort zone so they can feel free to reach beyond theirs. I’m hurt, I’ve been hurt this week because I feel like all that energy is flowing out of me, but none is flowing in. I get that God replenishes what we pour out for Him, but I need Him to do it through my friends.

God, I need friends who are family to me. I need to be surrounded by people who feel like I feel and do like I do, like you do. The biggest messes I’m in, I’m in because I didn’t have such friendships in my life or because I made dumb choices on who I allowed to be my friends. God, I need strength to keep putting myself out there even when I get knocked down because I just can’t and at this point I’d rather save my energy and not bother. Yes, this week has also been about fear but now I realize my biggest fears are about being disappointed in this area of community. The fear that you just don’t have the motivation to put me in enriching relationships and friendships; the fear that you don’t think I’m worth the ride or die friends. You see my dreams and visions are based somewhat on these connections and I just don’t think you’ll do it. So I’ve been afraid and I want(ed) to quit, but I won’t. You’ve made me see all this for a reason and I’ve just got to trust you and lean into that.

There’s a line between you saying, “Joanne trust me, I am not a human that I should lie or change my mind, have I ever spoken and failed to act or promised anything and not carried it through? I am all you need, put your trust in me,” and, “there are many parts in one body, seek out other parts.” (Numbers 23:19 and 1 Corinthians 12:12) So yeah, you might be teaching me how to walk this line, but as you are, please also pay attention to how I feel right now. My heart is just tired. I long for authenticity and pursuit not for any other reason, but simply because someone sees in me what you see in me and gives me a chance.

Amen

God Bless, 

Jo

The Squiggly Line

I had a panic attack last night, except that when you're a Christian, it's not really a panic attack, it's a frenzied, emotional conversation with Jesus ;-) Anyway, I basically had a little freak out last night and I prayed and told God, this is crazy. I've been saying that a lot.

Anyway, I've been feeling like a  failure lately, like there's so much I want to do and be not for me but for my mom. She's done EVERYTHING for me. I won't even begin to explain or define "everything" because it truly is more than I can speak of. She's done so much and I just wish I could make her life better, make her proud to have me as a daughter. She's supporting my dreams and not once has she complained or told me this is impossible. I watched her do the math and count the cost and she said nothing to me and has shown me nothing but support. I wish I could do something, be something for her. I have this picture like she's my Naomi and I'm her Ruth but I'm failing at being Ruth.

It's just not fun this season of life, being stuck in circumstances I can't do anything about that's just holding me back from really enjoying and moving forward with this new phase of my life. I can' fully celebrate the best thing that has ever happened to me because the details are still so unclear. This is the biggest dream I've ever dared to dream let alone pursue and I'm still stuck dealing with problems that cropped up in the past, namely this whole business at uni.

I've gotten a bunch of answers from the Bible and from God and I'm thankful for that and waiting in hope. I've said before I will not despair and I mean it. God brought this picture to mind when I was on a walk this evening:

Source: fitspiration.tumblr.com via Mallory on Pinterest

I found this on Pinterest and it totally describes what this season is. I hate the squiggly lines, being stuck in this maze and feeling like a failure or a disappointment at every wrong move, but this is a season to work on my faith and my identity as well.

Source: teachfactory.com via Michele on Pinterest

I have a ton of insane dreams to change the world. It's going to take freedom, success, finances and good relationships. Right now I feel like I have none of that, but the truth is I have more than I need simply because God's my dad and He's already placed amazing people in my life. I don't see the end result, I don't have my ducks named and alphabetically lined up in a tidy row, it's squiggly and messy but God's with me and I am His child.

Source: devildrinksmilk.blogspot.com via Ashlie on Pinterest

One of the things I need to remember is this:

Source: tumblr.com via Ashley on Pinterest

I'd love your prayers and please feel free to comment below :-)

Bless you,
Jo

Declarations Over Kenya

I had a post in mind to write, but after watching the news, I'm so deeply saddened. We prayed for peace, God granted us peace. We tainted it by creating war within ourselves by cutting each other down with our words and spreading propaganda left, right and center.

Heart conditions got exposed, tribalism reared it's ugly head, we lost friends and gained enemies. This time war hasn't started from the slums or the streets but from our pages and our profiles.

People have their hearts set on power and while the two bulls are fighting, the grass, that always gets hurt has decided to turn on each other, become fodder for the bulls, to enjoy their one second of life before being eaten up by greedy mouths. Tonight I've seen my school mates stirred up by politicians, from which faction I don't give a damn, turn on each other. Fight and cause chaos. It may not be my campus but it's my school. It may not be my friends, but it's my age-mates. So yes, I'm deeply saddened.

I'm a Christian, I know God reigns over everything, but what if we're pushing Him away? What if our hearts as individuals or collectively as a nation are so stubborn so held to our ways that it's not enough anymore?

These are the thoughts in my natural human mind. Thankfully though, I've been called into a purpose far greater and more supernatural than my human mind can comprehend. Does God reign over this chaos? Does God reign over stubborn hearts? Does God reign over our justice system? Is God superior to the evil hearts stirring up hatred? Is God stronger and more able than the war-mongers?

YES TO ALL!

So tonight, though my heart is broken, my mind is swirling with fear and thoughts of doom, I will look at my spirit and say "spirit, do not be dismayed, my hope is in the Lord". I will look at my soul and say "soul, get up and dance like Christ is on the throne." I will look at this situation and give absolutely no glory to the devil nor acknowledge the work that he's doing, I will give glory to God who has overcome and who has made my beautiful home Kenya, His dwelling place.

Genesis 18:23 (NET) Abraham approached and said, “Will you sweep away the godly along with the wicked? 24 What if there are fifty godly people in the city? Will you really wipe it out and not spare the place for the sake of the fifty godly people who are in it? 25 Far be it from you to do such a thing – to kill the godly with the wicked, treating the godly and the wicked alike! Far be it from you! Will not the judge of the whole earth do what is right?" 26 So the LORD replied, “If I find in the city of Sodom fifty godly people, I will spare the whole place for their sake.” 27 Then Abraham asked, “Since I have undertaken to speak to the Lord (although I am but dust and ashes), 28 what if there are five less than the fifty godly people? Will you destroy the whole city because five are lacking?” He replied, “I will not destroy it if I find forty-five there.” 29 Abraham spoke to him again, “What if forty are found there?” He replied, “I will not do it for the sake of the forty.” 30 Then Abraham said, “May the Lord not be angry so that I may speak! What if thirty are found there?” He replied, “I will not do it if I find thirty there.” 31 Abraham said, “Since I have undertaken to speak to the Lord, what if only twenty are found there?” He replied, “I will not destroy it for the sake of the twenty.” 32 Finally Abraham said, “May the Lord not be angry so that I may speak just once more. What if ten are found there?” He replied, “I will not destroy it for the sake of the ten.”

In the Kingdom, the math is different. As long as there's the smallest number of us earnestly praying and seeking God for favor for our country, there's legal precedent for Him to save us.

Yes, I'm saddened but I'm not hopeless. My hope is fully in the Lord. I know He has great things in store for me (and you) which are based on the success of this country.

I wanna end this with one of Bethel's offering readings I've posted on my sidebar. I want to make some declarations right now. (I've edited this for Kenya)

DECLARATIONS OVER KENYA

"Thank you Lord that You are the hope of KENYA and You will build Your church around the world.
We call to KENYA in the North, the South, the East and the West and we declare:
JESUS IS LORD! No weapon formed against KENYA will stand!
We release angelic activity with power, signs and wonders.
We cast down injustices, evil mindsets, corruption, poverty, disease and hopelessness.
We speak grace, peace, breakthrough and healing over THIS land.
We call for justice and reconciliation.
We ask that government leaders will have:
- Holy Spirit inspired, supernatural encounters and dreams.
- Wisdom, discernment, knowledge to make righteous governmental decisions.
We ask that church leaders and believers will have:
- Extreme hunger for God, new revelations, thoughts and ideas.
- Righteous decisions.
- Courage, wisdom, discernment, and knowledge of how to lead Your people. - Unity among the young and old.
- Demonic assignments broken and lives mended.
- Divine protection and favor.
- Abundance and provision.
- New leaders being raised up to carry revival fire.
- Extreme hunger for God, new revelations, thoughts and ideas.
Encourage and bless KENYA and Your people with peace and display Your extravagant favor and love to them.
We call for revival fire to come!"
xx
Jo

Prayer for Restoration

I have an issue I've been praying about for the past 4 years and to be honest, it's just getting worse and worse. I've been carrying this attitude that God's punishing me because of the mistakes I might have made that led to those issues coming up.

Last night, I was reading these miracles I've posted on my sidebar -> and I was just thinking about how amazing it is that those things happened and wondering how people feel when you're blind and suddenly you're not blind anymore, or you had cancer and you go back and the doctor tells you the cancer's gone.

I believe in miracles, I believe that when Jesus prayed "your kingdom come", he meant that it has come and it's going to keep coming for eternity. (Isaiah 9:7, Daniel 4:3, Daniel 7:18, Hebrews 1:8) As Christians, we're meant to re-present Jesus and His Kingdom on earth and do greater works than He did (John 14:12 I tell you the solemn truth, the person who believes in me will perform the miraculous deeds that I am doing, and will perform greater deeds than these, because I am going to the Father.)

One thing that struck me was the guy praying against the cancer said, "we're not going to pray any different because it's cancer..."
What he meant was that we can look at some miracles as small and insignificant like finding a parking space and others like cancer like, "whoa, I've gotta grab my tools and attack this with all I have."

So today I was thinking about this issue I have, and I said to God, "God, I know you're not punishing me, because I repented, my heart is in the right place now. I'm doing what I'm meant to be doing...for the most part. My priorities are in order. I know you're good and you only have good plans for me, and this, this is not good and cannot be in your plans for me."

I have to stop looking at sickness or disorder or chaos or discouragement as a token from God to teach me a lesson. That's bad doctrine. Don't get me wrong, God does allow certain things to come your way for a season to test you or to grow you but He only does that when He knows you're ready. The key is to know, when you're in that season, when it's over. It's difficult but not impossible to see the end when you're in the middle of a storm and that's where a right word from someone else at the right time comes in very handy.

I started looking at this issue as God's problem now. My prayer changed to, "Holy Spirit teach me what it means to rest in God. My hope is in Him, teach me what it means to have my trust based on Him too." I thought all day about what I've seen Bethel students or pastors around the world do when they're praying for God to heal someone from pain, to grow a limb out, to straighten a spine or whatever (again, check out these testimonies, it's amazing!) These guys pray, a simple prayer then then ask the person they're praying for to test it out, like if they couldn't move, to try and move. The person may respond that they still feel pain and the students pray again, simple prayer and ask again, they do this again and again as long as God leads them to and more often than not something happens. Wonders like the pain goes away or the limb straightens out or signs like the person gets an overwhelming sense of peace or love. God always moves.

I can't allow myself to fear the disappointment of not getting a miracle more than I fear God.

So these were my thoughts for today. Later on I watched a video on Youtube and Steffany Frizzell was singing a prophetic song with these words:


This is my word and I want to release the same prayer over you.

I pray for Heaven's gates to swing wide over you. That God will show you overwhelmingly why we call Him glorious. He'll pour out His goodness over you. That He'll show you again and again how much He loves you. That you will be as bold as a lion as you wait for freedom to be released in your life. That any situation holding you back will be broken off of you. That you will live His forgiveness out loud and know beyond any doubt that He is out to bless you not punish you. That you will remember Jesus died for your freedom and to take the punishment in your stead. That you will see restoration of all that was lost. That what was not seen will be seen right now! That your beginning will be incomparable to your end as the Lord restores a double portion of all that was taken from you. Lord, I release freedom and hope and love and success in the lives of your Children right now, those you've called your own in Jesus awesome name. Amen.

xx
Jo

Blogs I'm Loving

I talked in my last post about new blogs I'm reading and how they inspired me to change the direction of my writing...thought I'd highlight them here in case any of you wanna check them out.

Sitting In The House of God :: this was last updated 2 years ago, but I like it because He talks a lot about the ups and the downs of life and His relationship with God.

Outrageously Good :: this is definitely my top 2 because this guy takes amazing pictures and talks about life in Redding and on missions, he interned with Jonathan David and Melissa Helser and I love their music.

In Essence :: this is the other in my top 2. His writing is amazing, He reminds me of the old classical writers. Check it out too.

Kissed By Glory :: I don't know what her name is, but again, lots of pictures from around the world because she's involved in a lot of missions work.

Anyway, that's all for now. I'm headed to school to keep dealing with the bureaucratic mess that's standing between me and graduation, but I have faith it'll work out this week. Pray for me!!!!!!!

xx
Jo

The Grand Scheme

Today I made the final step in a process that's been long overdue. This is my last official year at home, my last official semester of school. When we were kids we used to say, "when I grow up I want to be..." and I'm there. Ha, I'm actually a grown up! This is the year where I get to be whatever I dreamt I would be and do all the things I dreamt I would do.

So, over the course of the last few months, I've been trying to get one of those dreams off the ground. Yesterday I was at the bank figuring some things out and finally today was the last step in that whole process, actually if you think about it, it's the 1st of many steps. I was at the post office trying to figure out how to mail an important letter and I was so freaked out wondering if it was going to make it safely or not and looking for the right post box, since there were 4 different boxes, pone for Nairobi, one for Coast, one for Air Mail and the other for Upcountry. I finally dropped it in and it made a loud sound and I'm freaking out thinking, "why would the box be empty??", and later realized, "Well, its a good thing it's empty that means the mail goes out everyday, right?"

Anyway, after I left the post office, I started thinking, in the grand scheme of things, this is the least of things I should be worried out. Like I said, mailing that letter was the 1st of many steps. There are a million other things to consider and to pray about and this is nothing. The letter will arrive safely! (In Jesus name, Amen and Amen!)

via

I'm re-reading Bill Johnson's book, Center of The Universe and he says,

"...why would God bypass my important list, filled with Spiritual priorities, and answer a desire that has nothing to do with anything that is obviously holy? The only answer I can come up with--because He wanted to. 
Our Heavenly Father is perfect in every way. There is no waste in Heaven's government. And in His perfect wisdom, He knew that it was more important for me to learn about His character as the Father than it was for me to have my "priority prayers" fulfilled...How refreshing it is to see that He cares about things that score very low on the Eternity Rating Chart just because He Loves Me."

He goes on to give the story of King Cyrus out of Isaiah 45:3 where God promises to do a whole lot of things for Cyrus that may not appear "spiritual" but just to show Cyrus beyond a shadow of a doubt that God had called Him and its God who put Him there.

Bill says,

"...God sometimes takes care of things that are not important just to remind us that He knows every desire and need we have. And as our Father, His reach is so far that it touches those things that have nothing to do with eternity. It seems to me that God simply wants to build our confidence in who He is and what He is like."

I'm trying really hard to work on my prayer life. It's like in my head, I know I should pray and I think about praying, but I just don't really get around to doing it. I feel like God is so into my life and I should do everything I can to lean into Him. So here's my strategy, it's a little weak, so don't get your hopes up. When it's time to pray, I sit/kneel or whatever and just be quiet. My problem is,

1. I hate quiet. I always have music playing or the TV on.
2. I just don;t know what to say!

So, I figure, if I get into the habit of setting time aside, sooner or later the words are going to come. Hopefully.

As always, I'll let ya know.

xx
Jo

Mizizi Week 3

I wore the maxi skirt again a couple of weeks ago, and teamed it with this top I’ve had since I was like 14. My mom buys really great stuff, she has an eye for quality and I’m really appreciating that because a lot of the stuff she and I wore in the past are making their rounds back into acceptable fashion. The silver ring, I got for my 21^st birthday.

Mizizi this week was insane! I’ve talked before about how I wanted to maybe go into Pastoral Leadership as a career, so a couple of months ago I decided to get a head start and start serving in Church. So I joined Worship Tea, (yayy!) and I signed up to teach/understudy a beginners course at my Church called Mizizi.

Yesterday it hit me that it isn’t about going and working. Serving is a major Spiritual burst! What I mean is, it pulls so much out of you, you’re constantly expected to grow and change and move out of your comfort zone. Last night I just felt the weight of it. I was just drained. Putting myself out there, sharing my heart with a group of practical strangers, having them share their heart, just the weight of all that.

Then there’s the feeling of, “God, they are so close! Please let them encounter you, please let them encounter you, please don’t let them leave here discouraged and not knowing all that you have to offer”

Then with Worship Team, again a bunch of practical strangers, trying to fit in, having to go all the way across town for fellowship and again, investing relationally and pushing myself out of my shell. Then these thoughts come in, “Why are you doing this? This isn’t a requirement! You’re getting tired for nothing! How safe is it to walk around town at night when you could be at home?”

The fact that I feel like this is an encouragement to me. Christian life isn’t about having this cushy, comfortable, status-quo existence, its active and action packed. Otherwise, stagnate and die. About the stress, I was watching Francis Chan and he said something along the lines of, “Mizizi/Worship Team, this isn’t my party that I’m inviting God to, this is His party that He lets me be a part of. I’m not the one on whose shoulders lie the responsibility of encounter, God is.”

I have to let God come and do what He does, that is, love in His people.

My only job description is to seek God, and put myself in a place where He can fill me up, so that I can pour into others. I have to rely on Him more than ever now because in my passive-church-once-a-week life, I’ve never been in this space where I’m technically “leaking”.

It’s also great because when I start dating and when I get a family, I’m gonna be “leaking” all over that too, so getting into the practice of getting filled up by God so I can pour onto others is a POSITIVE thing.

xo

Jo

Early Morning Thoughts and Hearing from God

Source: Uploaded by user via Damaris on Pinterest

I had an interesting morning, you know that sweet spot between asleep and awake when your mind is so clear and creative. I had one of those mornings today.

First, I feel like we should really pray for our leaders. I feel like there are a lot of worms and parasites infesting leadership and we need to pray for God to remove that, and give our leaders wisdom to draw from as they make decisions that affect so many areas of our lives.

I also feel like we need to pray for the Bible, the word of God to not only go across nations and for people to draw from that but also to pray for people against religious text. A lot of Christianity has already been ripped out of the public, especially in  developed countries and I feel like the Bible might be another target, so we need to pray against that, and again for the leadership and for the people who would stand up against something like that.

I also feel like as Kenyans, we should pray for our “moral strand” not to be broken…undeniably we are influenced by a lot of Western practices which we’ve not only adopted but twisted it into our own, and a lot of things that were once unimaginable are now almost becoming acceptable. (Campus Divas, anyone?) There’s a difference between not hating people or accepting them and enabling them. We should definitely treat people with love and respect, but we should also be bold enough to say, we don’t agree with your practices and pray over them.

Source: myjourneycorps.com via Journey Corps on Pinterest

I think that’s it. On a personal note though:

I think as a Christian, I put myself down a lot for never being good enough, never “attaining the mark” and I feel like God just placed this reassurance in my heart and said, “You’re doing good, don’t you see that? It’s going to be OK and I’m always going to be with you.” So, that was awesome.

Also had this amazing reassurance about some other personal stuff, which involved seeing myself celebrating my kid’s 1^stbirthday on the floor of my house, with me and the hubby eating cake, wearing party hats and surrounded by balloons; and the baby was just wobbling around, just getting the walking thing figured out…so that was awesome. Another one was seeing us at a photo shoot just being totally safe and in love and happy and content and always holding hands J

So as a member of Bethel Church, you know virtually, through the internet J I believe we have a direct line with God and He speaks to us and we just have to listen. 

I was reading Spiritual Java, by the Bethel team, page (203-204) about 2 BSSM students and 1 junior High student who were prophesying over leaders at a conference; each time someone came up the two BSSM students would ask each other, "Do you have a word?" and they'd respond, "not right now" and defer to the High school kid, who'd then go into pretty precise detail and encouragement. The two ministry kids were astonished and afterwards went to the kid asking him how long he'd been prophesying because he was so good at - I don't know hearing God? The kid replied that it was his first time and explained:

"My teacher told me I was going to prophesy today, so I figured since I was doing God's work, whatever came into my head was from God. So when you asked if I had anything, I just said whatever first came to my mind." 

The two ministry students received an instant, life-changing revelation regarding the simplicity of hearing God's voice.

So, where before I'd tend to dismiss a lot of stuff as just a dream, it kind of makes you think, we keep asking God to reveal himself to us and speak to us, but when He does, then what? Do we really pray that hoping for an answer or just because it's the "in thing" to pray? (Preaching to the choir here.)

Source: spiritualinspiration.tumblr.com via Janet on Pinterest

xx

Jo

Getting Personal: Dating

{First posted on Raha and Love}

I don't talk that much about my personal life on my blogs; sure if I have an especially memorable day, I'll flood you with pictures, but that's mostly because I love having a sort of online diary where all my memories and pics are, like Facebook with words and chronology, but other than that, the day to day stuff I keep to myself. Besides, if my entire life and thoughts are here, what fun will there be for people who meet me in real life to get to know me?

I write about lessons I learn and how those apply to my life. Today though, I'll tell you a little about my dating life or lack of...

Didn't date in High School. I just had very great day dreams about a Christian rock-star guitarist whisking me off to get married by the time I turned 21. Seriously, I wanted to get married by 21!

The second I joined college though, suddenly I was flooded with guys! I went on tons of dates, had tons of crushes, a couple of potential boyfriends, none of them worked out. In my head, I still want(ed) that Christian rock-star guitarist and the guys I crushed on wanted that girl who goes clubbing every weekend, which I wasn't. Somewhere in the middle of that though, I caved in and turned into that girl and my Christian rock-star guitarist dream disappeared. About a year later things ended and I finally realized, I can only be me.

Yeah, so I joined Mizizi at Mavuno Church; little by little, God pieced my heart back together, kinda brought me back to myself, restored me...tried dating again here and there but my heart just wasn't in it. So, after a timely message at my Church, I took a 1 year pledge to work on myself and my relationship with God - being the one instead of looking for the one - as we call it. My prayer that day, February 5th was something like,

“Lord, I suck at this dating thing. I really do. I've tried and failed to follow my own way. I don’t want to lead guys on and have a boyfriend for the sake of having a boyfriend. And Lord, I don’t EVER want to go through this heartbreak ever again and I don't want to break anybody's heart again. Please, I pray that the next person I date, is the one that you would have me marry.”

So, I'm still in the year, not done with the pledge. 2 years after the breakup, I was finally able to close the door with that other guy amicably so there's no bitterness and issues left there, yayy! I got into music and serving in Church which I LOVE!

Learning to let God be my everything. All this other stuff is just details, details that I love, I mean, I love being in love - sweaty palms, heart racing, excited when the phone rings, taking goofy pictures - I love all of that, and I'm praying I get all that some day soon, but really, it's just "all these other things". I'm learning to let God be my everything.  He's the only one that can truly tell me who I'm meant to be and complete me; I don't get fully how He'll do that, but He will.

Yeah, so that's me.

Unhappily Ever After?

A couple of things freak me out about relationships:

• Secrets
• Falling “out of love”
• Cheating/Affairs
• Break-ups/Divorce

I mean, for most people, relationships are a major part of life. You’re born into a family, you grow up, you get a job, you start another family – with friends and soon after with a partner and kids, and the cycle continues. At any point of your life, you’re part of a family. Good or bad.

I just read that Deitrick and Damita Haddon just got a divorce. He put this up on his Facebook page::

Deitrick Haddon's Facebook Page

Yes, this isn’t the first high-profile Christian personality divorce. But, this get’s to me because they’re in WorshipL. We’ve seen a bunch of “Christian” divorces. Every single time, the reason is the same;

“I put my ministry before my spouse.”

I feel like this line has been repeated so many times, it’s a little bit of a cliché. We’ll probably never know the real reasons, but whatever they are, the fact is, I don’t get how a couple could have technically done everything we’re advised to do in Church/Christian circles, you know, follow God’s calling on your life, marry a person who loves God like you do, pray together, serve together, and still, they end up in divorce. Or affairs, another Christian artist Da Truth was caught up in an affair last year! Juanita Bynum was apparently abused. Paula White got divorced too.

This just freaks me out! I mean, there are already enough unknowns in the world, after the wedding, the unknowns are supposed to stop! I don’t need to go to bed every night thinking, “Oh my God, what secrets is he hiding? Is he still in love with me? Is he having an affair? Is our marriage alright?”

Also, when you realize your marriage is in trouble, is it that hard to work on in? In my {probably naïve} mind, I’d think that when you realize you put your job before your wife, you’d take a month off and work on your marriage. You’d pray about it, get help, get people to stand with you and pray for you. Is it that prayer isn’t enough?

Like I said, I have no idea - none of us do - what went on inside these marriages, but, I just can’t allow myself to believe that there’s no hope. That after the commitment is made and you hit a rocky patch, the only option is to quit. I can’t believe in a world, in a relationship, in a marriage with no hope. I can’t believe in “till ‘falling out of love’ does us part”.

A lot of people tell me I’m a dreamer. That in reality it all goes downhill after the wedding, and the claws come out. That being “in-love” only exists when you guys are courting. That I’m going to get sick of the dirty stinky socks and underwear everywhere except the hamper. Irritated with the guy coming home late and going out all weekend, squeezing the toothpaste from the middle and leaving the cap off…argh! Frustrated when he just doesn't understand me!!!

Relationships are hard; I personally have no idea how to make them work.

All I know is that in my own life, all I can do is just pray and seek God on how to love. God is love and every part of Him spills out love, and He knows how I need to love whoever I’m with.

I need to seek God on how to commit, how to be honest, how to open my heart, how to handle conflict, not just in a relationship, but in my own life. I need to seek God on how to handle and relate and cope with different personalities while retaining and growing my own. I need to seek God on how to GROW UP!

When you audition for a Choir/Worship Team, let’s say as an alto, after the Worship Pastor hears you sing, he’ll put you in a group with a soprano and a tenor to listen to how well you can maintain your voice in a crowd. You can’t really “fake it till you make it”. A song is going to come up and if you try to sing high, your voice will crack and you aren’t going to make it.

I believe it works the same way in life. You need to seek God to make you who he created “you” to be. This practice of being a different person in different relationships just won’t work. Trust me, been there done that! 

Somewhere out there is someone who can handle the real you. Once you find them, how much easier will it be to put in the work when you aren’t focused on being somebody else? Yeah, it’s work; from day 1 you need to build the right foundation so you’re not in the middle of everything in a couple of years discontent, irritated and stuck, or worse, divorced and heartbroken.

Life is work. Relationships are work. Marriages are work. THAT IS LIFE!

Anyway, like I said, I have no idea AT ALL how to make a relationship work. I have been a big fat failure, but before I jump into another doomed relationship…I’m determined to learn.

xx

Jo 

Exam Results

I finally went to check my exam results. This point needs a couple of prefaces.

Preface 1:

I don’t really like my school. It wasn’t my 1^stchoice, it was a little bit of a “pressured by family” situation and I spent a long time being angry and resentful which led to a tough couple of semesters in the beginning, which led to a bunch of “missing-marks”. This is a result of being about 1000 people in a class and the lecturers not feeding your grades into the system leading to students needing to follow up consistently with said lecturer to get the marks back. Consistency wasn’t my forte.

Preface 2:

Needs to be repeated, I have a bunch of missing marks and to be honest, my results from 1^st and 2^nd year are neither here nor there, I’ve got A’s and B’s and C’s and D’s, I mean, there’s no direction.

Given this, I was embarrassed to even go check last semester’s results out. What exactly would I say to the guy, so he wouldn’t feel sorry for me “Umm, I don’t have all my marks because I…” 

Anyway, I went and asked to see all my 3^rd year results and I still can’t believe what I saw.  A’s a whole bunch of A’s, 2 B’s and a C mixed in there but a whole lotta A’s. Can you believe it?!

Can I just say there is absolutely no way that could be me? That was ALL God.

I still have a bunch of missing marks from my “bad years” but I’m just praying all that gets sorted out {well}

For now, I’m just thankful, man, my hope for school has been renewed and I SOOOO needed that.

xx

Jo

Future Life Fridays: Mavuno Church - Discovery Internship Program

Today we're looking at my church's (Mavuno) internship program called Discovery.

Lets jump straight to the pros and cons.

Pros:
1. It's at home and it my home church!
2. Free, except for living expenses and mission trips
3. Mavuno has a large network f Churches and still growing and I could be a part of that
4. I'm already kinda bought into the vision of Mavuno, this church will change the world, how could I not want to be a part of that?!

Cons:
1. Not technically a "teaching" environment, more emphasis is placed on learning by service not by class-room teaching
2. Deadline for January intake is 30th September and deadline for August intake is 30th May; I wont have my certificate of completion from college until January, so I'll miss the January intake, then what will I do between January and August before the next intake? This could also be a pro because I can apply for a corporate internship/job and get my feet wet?
3. It's a little bit different from what I'm looking for, but its my best option here, next to going to seminary which is not possible for me at this stage.

I'm not sure if choosing the "safe option" will grow me or challenge my faith, but this is a pretty great option.

Lets see what they say on their website...

Within us all is the longing to be great… the longing to make our lives count for something that really matters. The qualities that are common to all great people are:

• Character:  Live according to a set of values no matter what the cost
• Competence: The ability to do the job at hand to the highest standard
• Chemistry: Passionate about people and a cause that is bigger than themselves

Discovery provides the environment where you can develop these qualities so you become the leader that God created you to be.

During the year of Discovery you will be assigned to one of our locations and given responsibilities; you will attend classes on various topics and interact with a dynamic team of volunteers.  After Discovery many have gone on to pursue vocations in church, others in the corporate sector while others have gone on to advanced studies in various fields.

How does Discovery work?
Mavuno Church exists to turn ordinary people into fearless influencers of society. Discovery provides the right mix of elements in this process:
Environment - A focus on creative and innovative experiences geared at transformation rather than information.
Equipping - Training that will impart you with the knowledge, skills and attitude you need to become a fearless influencer.
Experience - Stretching assignments to help you learn the practical aspects of leadership
Exposure - Interaction with many types of leaders who are models in a specific aspect of personal life and service. 
Evaluation - Honest feedback over time to enable you to learn from your experiences, training and relationships.


Mavuno is one church in many locations (Belle Vue Campus, Mavuno Downtown,  Mashariki in Eastlands and Mavuno in Kampala). The emphasis of Mavuno Church has been on being a loving community that shares the life-changing message of Jesus in ways that are relevant, practical and meaningful to succeeding generations. The vision is to plant a culture influencing church in every city of Africa and the gateway cities of the world.

As an Intern you will:

• Interact at close range with leaders who are models
• Discover your purpose, gifts and calling as you serve others
• Develop a network of relationships that you need to succeed in life
• Sharpen your leadership and management skills
• Make an eternal difference in the lives of others
• Have lots of fun!

Discovery will launch you on to your path to greatness!


Sounds pretty good huh?


 xx
Jo

Sunday Recap

Yesterday as usual, I went to Church and I honestly just about cried in the middle of the service, but I’ll get to that. OK, went to Church, got there right on time; Kanji’s team was leading and it was awesome. In the middle of Worship, I was just thinking about what I heard Philly Lopez say in a Worship Central video, that when you’re singing, you have to stay connected, sing with what you’re feeling, sing with what you’re going through and most important, sing as if you were standing right at the feet of Jesus. Yeah, so that was awesome.

{via}

After worship, we were updated on Mavuno 3.0, which is our church’s move to a new location this year. So far we’ve raised about 20% of the money we need, and I know I’m meant to be a part of this, but what’s been intimidating to me is that, people are raising thousands, heck, millions and I obviously am not in that position. What’s kept coming back to me though is this:

Mark 6:35-44 v.35 when it was already late, his disciples came to him and said, “This is an isolated place and it is already very late. 36 Send them away so that they can go into the surrounding countryside and villages and buy something for themselves to eat.” 37 But he answered them, “You give them something to eat.” And they said, “Should we go and buy bread for two hundred silver coins and give it to them to eat?” 38 He said to them, “How many loaves do you have? Go and see.” When they found out, they said, “Five – and two fish.” 39 Then he directed them all to sit down in groups on the green grass. 40 So they reclined in groups of hundreds and fifties. 41 He took the five loaves and the two fish, and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. He gave them to his disciples to serve the people, and he divided the two fish among them all. 42 They all ate and were satisfied, 43 and they picked up the broken pieces and fish that were left over, twelve baskets full. 44 Now there were five thousand men who ate the bread.

  

OK, so it’s easy for me to be like the disciples and when this mandate comes, be like, “God, this is an isolated place (i.e. this Church needs to move), “send them away so they can go and buy themselves something to eat” (i.e. help them raise money for themselves). But Jesus says it clearly, this isn’t their job to feed themselves, this isn’t even my job and I am the Christ! What have youguys done, YOU feed them. The disciples went out and came back with all they could find, a small boy’s lunch, which is honestly what I feel like my contribution would be. Actually it exactly is, because my idea is to not eat lunch out this month and give that. It’s measly in comparison to the task ahead. Jesus takes that though, blesses it and feeds five thousand men, same way I’m expecting Him to take my lunch money, bless it and help us raise five hundred million! 

Next, Daddy Owen and Denno sang their hit song “Mbona” that also got me thinking about how I treat people who seemingly are less advantaged than me, like homeless people, disabled people, even simply people who dress different than I do, yet we were all created by the same Father, all in His image.

Ok, now to the part where I cried, the sermon! The series is called Heroes Wanted, led by our senior pastor, Pastor M. Here’s the preview below…awesome right? Anyway, here are some extracts:

{via}

Why the Disciples Didn’t View Themselves as Superheroes: Acts 1:1-8

........Please click here to head over to my Bent Reeds page to keep reading :-)

 

Hope you liked Bent Reeds, welcome back :-)

After Church, we were given a prayer and fasting guide for this month, which I think will be really fun, we were also given a chance to write our own prayer requests and hand them in at church, and all these prayer activities culminating in another WORSHIP NIGHT! Absolutely cannot wait. I think by now you know my prayer requests, so standby and watch what God does :-)

Finally, I went to LIFEGROUP. Awesome time with friends as usual.

xx

Jo