Grieving

These next couple of weeks are emotional. On one hand I'm excited to see my family, to eat my mom's pancakes, to spend time with my sister and trade stories, to get my hair done and on the road to recovery. At the same time I'm terrified. I have no idea what the future holds. I feel like I'm not done with Redding, my heart belongs here, but a part of me feels like I'm being ripped away prematurely. I'm not done yet, the things God showed me and others, they haven't happened yet. All my dreams haven't come to be yet. Still, here I am counting the days. I'm excited to go home, but terrified at the same time.

Home holds a lot of memories for me, the majority of which haven't been pleasant to say the least. God literally rescued me from a destructive cycle when He brought me here. I was searching for meaning and searching for love and kept thinking I had found it, only I was absolutely wrong and it was the same vicious cycle, over and over again. Not just looking for love, but career-wise, I was stuck in the wrong job with an abusive boss, and this was what the rest of my life looked like. Floating from one relationship to another, from one job to another looking for meaning.

My biggest fear is being caught up in all of that again. I. Just. Can't.

I've found my reason for being in this place. Has it been perfect? Absolutely not. But I woke up each morning and I did it and for the first time in my life, I felt ALIVE.

So saying goodbye...it's a process. I'm grieving. I know this because, tonight I miss my dad. When you lose someone, the wind gets knocked out of you. The way you breathe, the way your heart beats is changed forever. At least that's what happened for me. I literally feel a weight on my chest, I miss my dad so bad I can't breathe. I know this isn't about my dad though. I'm just grieving. I'm saying goodbye.

I miss Bethel. I miss Redding, I miss California so bad I can't breathe. I miss the promise it holds and the life I've lived. I miss all the dreams I had that haven't come true yet. I miss it with every ounce of my being. I'm excited to go home. It's my home. I have hope for my city. I love my culture. I love Nairobi. But, this place has my heart, this is Home and leaving it, well, it takes the wind out of me, and my breath will never be the same.

God, I hope I come back.

Bucket List Item #1 Dinner at Ali Barbours

I think a lot of times we take for granted all the absolutely wonderful treasures God has given us to enjoy. I just pray I remain the girl whose moved to tears by a beautiful sunset/sunrise, have you looked at the sky lately we've been having some great ones, my phone is full of pictures, I did a post once, check it out.

Anyway, I thought it would be cool to start a bucket list here, since this blog does document my life...it might just happen that one day I get the chance to do some of these things.

This 1st one was actually on CNN Travels top 10 things to do in Kenya...are you ready for this?

This is Ali Barbours Cave Restaurant in Diani/South Beach [30km South of Mombasa]

I mean come on, how ridiculously perfect does this look?! I mean, there's "Honey, let me take you out to a romantic dinner." and then there's "Honey, I'm taking you to Ali Barbours".

In their words: "Dine beneath a star-filled night sky with a sense of style, flair, extraordinary levels of service and comfort and genuine hospitality"

"Built underground in natural caves inside what was - a very long time ago a coral reef, with an opening above through which one can see the stars.."

According to the reviews, the food is amazing and the menus even have kindle lights so as to not 'affect the ambiance' plus free transport to and from your hotel!

 

The Night Before My Birthday: 23 Wishes & Dreams

It's my birthday tomorrow! I'm turning 23! This is officially my first birthday that I haven't looked forward to or pestered anybody about. I just might be growing up :-)

Well, birthdays go one of 2 ways, 1. I can be happy and celebrate another year of life. A chance to have a "new year" in the middle of the year. 2. I can be sad thinking about all the things I wish I had but don't have.
Sooo...I'm choosing to be HAPPY! This is really truly a year God's given me and I know some incredible things are about to happen this year simply because of my realization of His love toward me.

So here are 23 hopes I have for this year, some of them are stuff I feel God's led me into, some of them are just stuff I really would love to see happen/pray happen. Next year, we'll review. Let's get started.

My Top 23 Dreams For May 11th 2013-May 11th 2014

1. Tighter bonds and love in my family: I say this every year, I can't get enough. We're good now, especially my mom, sister and I, but I hope it grows. Not just the three of us but the whole family, husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, in-laws...I just pray for a strong healthy family unit.

2. Healing: There's a lot of areas I see a need for healing around me. Mom has issues with arthritis and joint pain, grandma has arthritis and ulcers, I see a couple of stuff I haven't dealt with like trust issues (trust in God, trust in guys, trust in friends...) and generally healing all around in some specific areas. Also maybe reach my target weight/fitness level i.e. get healthier. I'm 132 pounds now, if I could get to 120, that'd be awesome. 12 pounds in a year doesn't sound too hard right?

3. Freedom to travel: I have the doors of the world open to me, but I have to walk through the gate known as Immigration Control wherever I decide to go. I'm just trusting God for favor. I want to travel the world and learn from incredible pastors and be part of teams that are catalysts for change around the world. I would love like joining Dominic Russo in Honduras today and seeing the change happening there. Going to Australia with Bill Johnson and seeing revival. Going to Zimbabwe with Heidi Baker...I mean, there's so many crazy ways God's provided that need not just bureaucratic favors but also financial favor. However, the more I write this, the more I feel my heart toward missions...who knows?

4. Going to School of Ministry: This is the biggest goal of the year. I'm looking for a corporate job as I wait on God to show me exactly how to enter the Church scene. I am 100% sure, even as I look, that it'll be temporary, my future is Church, no way around it. First step, training. I hope I get the chance to do this and get some qualifications.

5. Getting great friends: The year started off with me deciding once and for all with this prayer, "God, I've prayed for friends all my life and you've provided along the way, however, I can't be the one chasing people down to build relationship all the time, there has to be give and take, so God for the next few weeks I'm going to give, I'll be the one initiating conversations and all that, but after that, I'm done. I want to feel wanted and sought after too." Well the plan worked in that, I know where my friendships fall now, but it has left me needing a more solid group of friends. I pray for that this year. I don't know how God will do that, but I'm sure He will. He already has started and I'm super thankful.

6. Building long-lasting networks: I want to do something of my own in the future in terms of ministry, so I definitely want to build a great network of mentors, partners and friends. Connections that are solid an maintainable.

7. Singing BGV for people I admire: This already happened this year. In the past year I've sang in service when Kanjii, Mike and Osayi Onen and Angie Gachui have led worship, a year ago I could not have imagined that! This year I want to take that up a notch higher. God knows I have crazy dreams in my head like singing with Bethel and Elevation :-)

8. Being friends with people I admire: a lot of times I look at people who are popular or famous or who are just plain too cool for school and thought "oh no, she's way too cool to be friends with me" or "he'll just think I'm a fan or a stalker and want nothing to do with me" This year though I'm trusting God to sink into me the value He's placed on me and for me to walk in that identity. I trust for favor and for peace even as I meet these people who ordinarily would not notice me, that somehow God would put a target on my head that they would notice and seek after my value.

9. Favor with leadership: I want to be friends with leadership. I want personal mentoring, I want spiritual fathers and mothers I want them to stop me at the supermarket and say "Oh hey Joanne!"

10. Getting my Bachelor's degree: finally be done with KU!

11. Visiting Elevation Church: this is my dream to see the worship and production and...

12. Meeting and talking to Steven Furtick: How can you not be inspired by this guy, he's built a Church with 7 locations and 12,000 congregants in 6 years! AND he's like 32?! I want whatever He's having. I want to be him when I grow up :-)

13. Stepping out of my comfort zone and doing something radical for a stranger who is "the least of my brothers" People rejected by society: I constantly see people sick or begging on the streets and think to myself what'll happen when I come back from BSSM with my friends and we're walking along Nairobi and come across this guy? If I really want to be like Jesus what would He do? He'd talk to them, touch them, pray for healing for them. Can I do that? The answer is no, but I want that to change about myself. I give money, fine, but I want to ask them their names and stories and love on them.

14. Developing a worship song for Church: I've written a few songs and I want at least one of them to turn into something.

15. Preach a full sermon: yup!

16. Have a relationship with the Holy Spirit and speak in tongues: prayed for this for the longest time, I know it's a weird thing to pray, but I just feel like there's a level of intimacy I want to achieve and I'm not there. A lot of time I felt like maybe I was just afraid because well I don't know what's going to happen, I don't know if I'll fall or if I'll see heaven or if Jesus will walk nt the room, I thought fear held me back, but I've had so many other experiences that I know it can't be fear. So maybe it's timing. He will come when He want to come, all I can do is be ready for it by being able to host His presence...having a solid devotional life.

17. Lead someone into an encounter with Jesus

18. Be more private: I know this is weird since I'm a blogger!!! But my sister mentioned something to me last night. I was telling her about a friend of mine who posted a pic on FB of her in Asia and saying that's what I like about her, she didn't parade all over the internet saying she was going to Asia, she just posted a pic and we figured it out for ourselves. Her whole life isn't on her profile page. My sister told me that's a girl who's secure and confident in her own life. I thought to myself, yeah, hmm, I'm not like that! I'm going to be totally honest and say, yes, a lot of times when I post stuff on FB or twitter, I'm showing insecurity or self-involvement. When I'm alone, I go on twitter when I have no one to talk to, when I'm sick I post it to FB, when I see a quote that touches me I have to share it, a part of that is thinking, maybe if I show the world I'm a Christian, I will really be a Christian when the truth is, I'm a Christian because I'm a Christian! Half the stuff I RT or Share would be better suited for my journal rather than my profile page! So this year, I'm drastically reducing my social media stuff. I'll focus on blogger and instagram. My blog is an extension of my journal and I love blogging even if nobody reads it so it'll be the one thing I stick to.

19. Read my Bible, pray and soak faithfully: I have to stick to this, I do good for a week then quit. I was talking to my sister how when Daniel was told he couldn't pray for 30 days it was such a huge deal for him and he couldn't survive without prayer, in fact, he'd rather die with prayer than live without it. If I was told I couldn't pray for 30 days I'd be like, :-/ heeh...ok. It's the biggest thing about me I'd want to see changed, my intimacy with God. The way I read my Bible reflects on the way I handle the rest of my life. If I'm wishy-washy with this it leaks into my school work, my time-management, my relationships, how I handle money...

20. Develop the inner peace to be pursued: I'm just learning now the art and the peace that comes with being pursued. Not thinking, "how do I get this guys attention???" and just being at peace knowing if this is the guy for me, he would move heaven and earth to get to me. I've started to realize, everything I can do to get attention from a guy he can do for me, like come sit next to me at a party or fish around and get my number or track me down on Facebook. I've learnt to not lead the conversation on dates or texting, if he doesn't ask me questions and only expects me to come up with talking points, I'm not going on a 2nd date. I have learnt that everything I can do, he should have the wherewithal to do. Even if it's Googling questions to ask on a date. There's no excuse. I'm not dating a passive guy anymore. I've spent my life pursuing and leading the relationship, in my past relationship, I paid for dates and bought drinks thinking this is what it meant being a low maintenance woman. The truth though is, I as a woman already bring in my part of the equation. I will love you more than you've ever be loved, I will make you the most cared for man on the planet, all I'm asking for is for you to be a man. Be someone I'm proud to be led by.

21. Fall in love: After being pursued...God, I really want to fall in love. I want to have a best friend and a partner and someone who speaks my language. I want to find out what love really is. I want to see how patient I can be personally, how good I'll be at being cool and setting boundaries and taking it slow and if all these months of salvation have changed my dating persona :-) lol. I want to be in love, to be loved wholly, completely and wholeheartedly. To be valued and respected and wanted.

22. Be in a great relationship: being in love is great, but I pray this guy is the real deal. I don't want to commit myself to a guy who's going to wake up a week from now and say, "Oh, I made a mistake, I don't love you anymore." I can't go through that again. I'm praying for a slow-burn rather than a fiery furnace that quickly burns out or is snuffed put by externalities. A love that grows. A man who'll really think about me and put me first and count the cost before making any moves. I want to be free to enjoy each other without either of us worrying about what the other might do to hurt them. I want us to be free to LOVE. I want us to have fun. I want to see him grow in his relationship with Jesus. I want to be inspired to grow. I want to romance and sparks and all that good stuff. I want peace. At the end of the day, I want to praise God for a husband who held me and told me God is with us and will take care of us.

23.  Fall REALLY in LOVE. Like for real, no turning back, I'm in this, you are mine and I am yours, kinda love.

If I could have one bonus wish that covers all these others it'd be this:

Faith: This is a whole lot of stuff I want for my life and none of them can be done without the provision of God. I want this year to be one of the building stones for the rest of my Christian life. I want to look back and say, "my God who provided rent for me when I was 23 and had absolutely no money, will provide this time" I pray God for incredible testimonies not just for me, but that through them other people can get a renewal of their faith and hope. I want to awaken the dreamer God put in us. I want this to be the year I'm audacious in my faith. I want to follow after the people that inspire me for living out God's purpose with such excellence and strength, building ministries with incredible impact and be an inspiration as well. God says to ask for the nations, I'm asking for the nations. I want to be that one!

Lord change me, make me, mould me into that person you need, that person you made me for. No more mediocrity and just getting by!

Happy 23rd Birthday To Me!

Speaking Out

I've been a little bit lost, mostly because I have been TOO found on Facebook and Twitter, especially over Election Week last week. (Thank you God for peace!)

Anyway, now that I'm here I wanted to share with you guys a couple of things God's taught me lately. I like to do this to share stuff that I've learnt that someone else might be going through and offer the same encouragement over the airwaves (is internet airwaves? haidhuru...) that I've received countless times.

Yesterday, 2 things happened, I was sitting next to a guy on the bus home and he struck up a conversation with me normally, I don't talk to people on the bus, but I'd just been reading a couple of Bethel stories like how students would go out in the streets and share Jesus with people, so I figured what the heck... he asked me if I have any talents, I said yes, singing and we got into all this stuff about where I sing and I told him I'm on worship team, so he asks me about Church, why I go and so on, and I told him. I tried to put into a 4 minute conversation why I live my life the way I do. At the end of it, invited him to come to church and that was that. Later on that night, I was trying to explain to someone on Facebook how we should quit looking at our neighbors through tribal eyes - he'd said some pretty tribalistic stuff about how people from my community were inferior to his and I was mad as hell, and that's how I know the words I spoke didn't come from me, they came from God, cause me, I would have cussed him out and told him a few choice words that might have rivaled Chris Brown and Drake feuds on Twitter. I was so frustrated that he didn't seem to get it, or at least I don't think he did because he didn't reply to my post. I tried to tell him, that change starts with us, me not labeling him with some stereotype and him doing the same.

I have to admit, that stuff that he said about me/people from my community hurt. Assuming that I'm a thief or that I'm selfish or violent because someone you know heard of who happens to be from my region is. IT'S RIDICULOUS! I was so discouraged by that and I wrote to my Pastor, because that's just what I do, when I don't have it figured out, I vent and I ask questions! Anyway:

So instead of staying discouraged by this guy's generalization of me and my family, I talked to my current sphere of influence:

Pastor M's reply just reinforced what I felt God telling me all night, which was:

don't know if my words have any impact but thank you God for I have a voice
— Joanne Furaha (@Joannefuraha) March 11, 2013

I've said before I'm set on relevance of some form in my lifetime. I want my voice to count for something, maybe it's from me being the last born and struggling to make my opinions heard, whatever it is, I'm set on relevance of some form. I don't say it as a selfish/self-centered prayer, I just feel like that's one of the reasons God made me the way He did. With this desire, it's difficult still being in the preparation stage where quite frankly, nobody cares who I am or what I have to say, the day is coming and I'm quite happy to be here for now but in the meantime, I'm going to use whatever avenues I have to spread the fact that nothing else in this life compares to the fact that

1. God is in a good mood!
2. God is actively pursuing us to love us and to bless us. He doesn't relent no matter what we do, no matter how many skeletons we have stuffed in our closet. He wants us to be closer than friends and more intimate than lovers.

That's the message that "I've come to such a place as this" in my life to share.

When our lives flow out of our genuine love for God and an understanding of what that means. When we stop faking religion and start embracing relationship. The moment that we're able to encounter the goodness of all God is personally and share that corporately, that's when real change will happen. That's when no study will be needed to show that Kenya is 80% Christian, instead the world will know by the reflection of His glory shining bright in the face of the country. That's when our church-mates will shut every evil tribalistic tongue in their networks instead of helping propagate their lies by sharing their updates and liking their comments. Right now it may just be one voice crying out in the wilderness, but luckily, that's all God needs.

BE THAT ONE!

xx
Jo

Journey To BSSM Part 3

God showed off.

He pulled one out of his hat today. I woke up, first thing I did as usual was check my email, guess what I find waiting for me?

Update: Got this in the mail a couple weeks later

I GOT IN!!!!

I got my acceptance letter (e-mail) to BSSM! Can you even believe it?! I'm going to be worshiping here live and in person! 

source

It’s insane! I texted my mom and sister immediately with the news. I had to leave for class at KU but the only thing on my mind all day was I GOT IN! The cool part is my profile page on the school website changed from “Applicant in 1^st Year” to “Student in 1^stYear” hahaha! How cool is that?!

The euphoria is amazing and the grace I feel right now and God’s hand over my life is so tangible! I absolutely don’t deserve this by my own merit, it’s because if Him and who I am (daughter of God) because if His great love for me.

I’m Bill Johnson’s and Kris Vallotton’s and Bethel Church’s student!

Are you kidding me?!!!

Mom got home and immediately asked to see the letter. In the middle of reading it, she told me to go see my aunt Catherine to advice me with some travel details. After she finished reading it, there was this long silence and I think it hit both of us:

1.       This is going to be near impossible. The amount of money and the sacrifice this would take is insane. I don’t know how I’ll do this. I don’t know if this is even feasible or a good idea. I was going over all this in my head and God reminded me that this isn’t about me. I was chosen to go to Bethel, it’s not about me, it’s not about the interview, it’s not about how good my application was or wasn’t. There’s a huge picture at play here. It may not be fully visible to me; maybe I’m a part of Bethel’s vision or Mavuno’s vision or my own vision to change this world. I don’t understand it fully but I know something huge is about to happen. I’m joining an army of revivalists and all He’s asking for me is to trust Him.

2.       This is real. I’m actually facing the prospect of leaving my family and starting over in a foreign country with absolutely no connections. I’ve never been away from my family. Now we’re looking at 9 months!

Anyway like I said, God’s been writing this story for the longest time and I’m more than willing to be player in it. I told Him, I don’t care how this ends up. I tasted His goodness and there’s no way I can go back to life without Him. He’s brought me from so far and He’s made me so happy!

This Church has changed my life. I’ve loved this school and this church and these people before I even knew about them. I have faith that what I’ve seen in my dreams and all the words spoken over me will be found in this journey. The hope I have for what’s to come makes me so happy and spurs me on in my pursuit.

Catch Up:
Part 1
Part 2  

The Grand Scheme

Today I made the final step in a process that's been long overdue. This is my last official year at home, my last official semester of school. When we were kids we used to say, "when I grow up I want to be..." and I'm there. Ha, I'm actually a grown up! This is the year where I get to be whatever I dreamt I would be and do all the things I dreamt I would do.

So, over the course of the last few months, I've been trying to get one of those dreams off the ground. Yesterday I was at the bank figuring some things out and finally today was the last step in that whole process, actually if you think about it, it's the 1st of many steps. I was at the post office trying to figure out how to mail an important letter and I was so freaked out wondering if it was going to make it safely or not and looking for the right post box, since there were 4 different boxes, pone for Nairobi, one for Coast, one for Air Mail and the other for Upcountry. I finally dropped it in and it made a loud sound and I'm freaking out thinking, "why would the box be empty??", and later realized, "Well, its a good thing it's empty that means the mail goes out everyday, right?"

Anyway, after I left the post office, I started thinking, in the grand scheme of things, this is the least of things I should be worried out. Like I said, mailing that letter was the 1st of many steps. There are a million other things to consider and to pray about and this is nothing. The letter will arrive safely! (In Jesus name, Amen and Amen!)

via

I'm re-reading Bill Johnson's book, Center of The Universe and he says,

"...why would God bypass my important list, filled with Spiritual priorities, and answer a desire that has nothing to do with anything that is obviously holy? The only answer I can come up with--because He wanted to. 
Our Heavenly Father is perfect in every way. There is no waste in Heaven's government. And in His perfect wisdom, He knew that it was more important for me to learn about His character as the Father than it was for me to have my "priority prayers" fulfilled...How refreshing it is to see that He cares about things that score very low on the Eternity Rating Chart just because He Loves Me."

He goes on to give the story of King Cyrus out of Isaiah 45:3 where God promises to do a whole lot of things for Cyrus that may not appear "spiritual" but just to show Cyrus beyond a shadow of a doubt that God had called Him and its God who put Him there.

Bill says,

"...God sometimes takes care of things that are not important just to remind us that He knows every desire and need we have. And as our Father, His reach is so far that it touches those things that have nothing to do with eternity. It seems to me that God simply wants to build our confidence in who He is and what He is like."

I'm trying really hard to work on my prayer life. It's like in my head, I know I should pray and I think about praying, but I just don't really get around to doing it. I feel like God is so into my life and I should do everything I can to lean into Him. So here's my strategy, it's a little weak, so don't get your hopes up. When it's time to pray, I sit/kneel or whatever and just be quiet. My problem is,

1. I hate quiet. I always have music playing or the TV on.
2. I just don;t know what to say!

So, I figure, if I get into the habit of setting time aside, sooner or later the words are going to come. Hopefully.

As always, I'll let ya know.

xx
Jo

Our Kids

Judging from my nieces and nephews, my family has some pretty great genetics! J

My nephew (sis), my nieces (bro), my extended niece and nephew (my cousin Monica)

Can’t wait to have my own!!! I think being a mom will just be the hugest blessing to me!

xo

Jo

Early Morning Thoughts and Hearing from God

Source: Uploaded by user via Damaris on Pinterest

I had an interesting morning, you know that sweet spot between asleep and awake when your mind is so clear and creative. I had one of those mornings today.

First, I feel like we should really pray for our leaders. I feel like there are a lot of worms and parasites infesting leadership and we need to pray for God to remove that, and give our leaders wisdom to draw from as they make decisions that affect so many areas of our lives.

I also feel like we need to pray for the Bible, the word of God to not only go across nations and for people to draw from that but also to pray for people against religious text. A lot of Christianity has already been ripped out of the public, especially in  developed countries and I feel like the Bible might be another target, so we need to pray against that, and again for the leadership and for the people who would stand up against something like that.

I also feel like as Kenyans, we should pray for our “moral strand” not to be broken…undeniably we are influenced by a lot of Western practices which we’ve not only adopted but twisted it into our own, and a lot of things that were once unimaginable are now almost becoming acceptable. (Campus Divas, anyone?) There’s a difference between not hating people or accepting them and enabling them. We should definitely treat people with love and respect, but we should also be bold enough to say, we don’t agree with your practices and pray over them.

Source: myjourneycorps.com via Journey Corps on Pinterest

I think that’s it. On a personal note though:

I think as a Christian, I put myself down a lot for never being good enough, never “attaining the mark” and I feel like God just placed this reassurance in my heart and said, “You’re doing good, don’t you see that? It’s going to be OK and I’m always going to be with you.” So, that was awesome.

Also had this amazing reassurance about some other personal stuff, which involved seeing myself celebrating my kid’s 1^stbirthday on the floor of my house, with me and the hubby eating cake, wearing party hats and surrounded by balloons; and the baby was just wobbling around, just getting the walking thing figured out…so that was awesome. Another one was seeing us at a photo shoot just being totally safe and in love and happy and content and always holding hands J

So as a member of Bethel Church, you know virtually, through the internet J I believe we have a direct line with God and He speaks to us and we just have to listen. 

I was reading Spiritual Java, by the Bethel team, page (203-204) about 2 BSSM students and 1 junior High student who were prophesying over leaders at a conference; each time someone came up the two BSSM students would ask each other, "Do you have a word?" and they'd respond, "not right now" and defer to the High school kid, who'd then go into pretty precise detail and encouragement. The two ministry kids were astonished and afterwards went to the kid asking him how long he'd been prophesying because he was so good at - I don't know hearing God? The kid replied that it was his first time and explained:

"My teacher told me I was going to prophesy today, so I figured since I was doing God's work, whatever came into my head was from God. So when you asked if I had anything, I just said whatever first came to my mind." 

The two ministry students received an instant, life-changing revelation regarding the simplicity of hearing God's voice.

So, where before I'd tend to dismiss a lot of stuff as just a dream, it kind of makes you think, we keep asking God to reveal himself to us and speak to us, but when He does, then what? Do we really pray that hoping for an answer or just because it's the "in thing" to pray? (Preaching to the choir here.)

Source: spiritualinspiration.tumblr.com via Janet on Pinterest

xx

Jo

Career Crossroads

I invited BFF (Mich) to my Church for some much needed girl time after the service and it was such a breath of fresh air, girl time is the best! I finally got to "socialize at the Calabash" (Church food court)

Anyway, I was just telling her how I’ve realized how much I’ve come alive in God, how badly off I was and just how when I think back, I was under this crappy dark cloud, but right now I feel like I’m living for the first time; how I really feel like I want to give my life to this whole worship and ministry stuff. 

I told her one of my biggest fears about jumping into this, is that nobody just jumps into wanting to be a Pastor. I went to school for all this time, studying business, and accounting to get a starting job paying upwards of 40,000/- and build that to 200,000/- by the time I turned 30. Now all of a sudden, I jump into this whole other career, unpaid position for the first couple of years, iffy salary after that…what’s that about?! The money is a huge issue for me, I don’t want to be going to family reunions and my brother and sister roll up in Range Rovers and BMW’s and I’m in a 1999 Toyota Corrolla! Or (gasp!) public transportation, whop whop :-/ . There’s also the little fact of, “hey, how will I afford to go to ministry school or do an unpaid internship for a year?”

Most importantly though for me is this: husband and kids. I know it’s crazy, but I’m “that” person who’s concerned about a family she doesn’t even have yet. BFF knows this about me. For me, whoever I love, I love. I give everything. Maybe not so much in healthy ways before I knew the Lord, (but now that I do, I’m much, much better at that! LOL) I feel like it’s not a fluke that he made me this way; that I would put my husband and kids before anything outside of Him. So, loving this future imaginary family so much, how am I ever going to get there? 

What are the logistics of like a corporate guy marrying a lady worship pastor? So, how does a female worship pastor go on dates? Honestly, I don’t want to go through my 20’s unmarried. I want it to happen sooner rather than later! How do those two worlds collide? There’s also the fact that you should marry a person who has the same values and goals as you. So, ok, forget the corporate guy, if by some supernatural miracle of God, I meet this amazing guy, committed to God, wanting to build up churches and resource and do all that stuff for church and everything just lines up, do I have the patience to be a church wife, friend to all, mother to many?

Point is, I do want a career and success and achievements and yes, I want enough money to be comfortable and secure. I also want to find purpose in that job, to know that I’m helping, to have fun and to look forward to doing what I do. I do want a husband and kids and an amazing family that loves each other to death and serves the church together, and I don’t want to spend the next 5 years searching for said person and regretting not finding love sooner, when I’m 30 and single.

Is it crazy that I want so much? Is it greedy? If I did get it, would I be happy? Truthfully, I don’t know the answers to these questions. All I really know guys is this; I didn't just wake up one morning and decide this, remember I announced this to my class when I was 13 years old! I have had a few missteps along the way...enough to make a really juicy testimony, lol, but now the "calling" is back. I don't feel like I have a choice but to do it. 

Obviously I do, I can technically just jump into the corporate world, and still live, and have a safe, predictable life. What to me is just, as one poet put it, "alive, patiently waiting for death" or I could take the risk and jump into this, and come alive.

Anyway, so that's what's going on with me. This month's sermon series has been incredibly relevant to me. I still have a couple of months before I'm done with College, so I have plenty of time to make plans, and I;m going to use what Pastor M taught us,

1. Read The Bible

2. Pray

3. Seek Godly advice

4. Look beyond the circumstances

Anybody ever been at a career crossroad, would love some advice!

xx

Jo

My First Auditions!

I auditioned for my Church's Worship Team!

I hadn't told anyone this until the actual day (Saturday), even though I signed up almost a month and a half ago. I was just really nervous and embarrassed. Anyway, it was pretty amazing, in a fun way. I have never ever in my life sang in front of anyone, except for one time in High School at a C.U talent show, which I barely remember.

I got there, late - there was some crazy 2-hours-for-a-20-minute-drive traffic in account of the Mater Heart Run at Nyayo Stadium. I honestly thought I'd missed the audition.

I got there though and met a friend who kinda calmed me down. (The guy who introduced me to the person in-charge of the audition...thanks manu!) Put my name down, and waited for my number (11) Everybody was kinda singing and rehearsing, but I just couldn't. It's the whole, "cramming before a test" thing, plus I was just too scared to sing in front of anyone and get my confidence shattered 5 minutes before getting on stage.

Talked with a great girl who was also going up and we ended up driving home together, (hey Nat!)

So, I finally got called up and one of the "judges" was the Pastor (Mike) who did my interview for my Baptism, the other lady was the one I've been liaising with to get the details for the day (Doris), and on the keyboard was one of the amazing vocalists/leaders from the services (Osayi).

Anyway, they asked me why I wanted to join, I said, I love music and I love worship. Then they asked of I have a life group and I said yes. Then they asked me to sing my favorite song. For the record, I've only sang the two rehearsal songs they sent us the whole week, so I hadn't practiced anything else, but I ended up singing "God I Look To You" by my all-time favorite W.L, Jenn Johnson from Bethel Music. Then I did the chorus from 1 of the audition songs, "Mighty to Save" by Hillsong United, then we did what I think is called an Appreggio, where the keyboardist plays notes and you have to repeat them by ear. I think it went OK.



But, then they asked me to hang back, and after a while, I got called back to sing with a Soprano and a Tenor. (I'm alto) It sounded horrible, so that knocked my confidence down to the floor! The soprano was so high and I didn't know how I was supposed to blend, or IF I was supposed to blend or just stick to my voice...I've never sang with anyone before!

Anyway, waiting for news...I really hope I get in. I need to be actively involved in Church and this is the best way for me right now, because I'm so passionate about this. Also planning on getting involved with some of the classes they have at Church, maybe co-lead a group, get some experience prepping for a session and teaching. Might really help me if I get into ministry.

Anyway, would love love love your prayers over this!

xx
Jo

Feeling Like an Old Maid

Last night I was talking to my mom about how it seems all my friends are getting engaged and having babies and here I am, with this one year pledge of singleness we made at Church in Febrauary, and how even after this one year, I might end up doing a Ministry internship which as I've seen so far, some don't allow dating, and even after the internship, I'll be spending so much time trying to move to a new city and finding a job and actually making something out of the nothing I currently have and might be so busy I don't even have time to date! So, in reality, I'm looking at about 3 years before I can even have the thought of settling down and falling in love.

If you know me, if you've read my blog, you know how freaked out this makes me.

• In High School, my life plan was to finish High School, move after a year and get married by the time I was 22, have my first kid at 24 and so on.
• After High School, I got caught up in the expectations to finish college, make a career, get married, which pushed out a lot of MY dreams
• Right now, I'm trying to catch up to the High School dream, but now it goes like, know God, experience God, move to a new city, learn God, get married, teach God, get cute babies and so on

My mom, is encouraging me and saying everything that a mom is supposed to say, "finish school", "get a job", "don't be in a hurry or else you'll settle for anything that comes along" and I was telling her, yeah I get all that, I don't want to settle, I want to be loved completely and to be in love and I want to be happy, but I also want to be a young, hot wife and a young, hot mom. I want to be settled with someone who has the same dreams and passions as me (read, God) and someone who we can work together, so that we start working now.

She may say all those things, but the fact remains, she got married at 24, like most of my uncles and aunts. My cousin, who we used to live with, got married at 24, my sister met her husband at 23, my sister in law married my brother at 25. I'm turning 22, I FEEL LIKE AN OLD MAID!!!

Yeah, I know, I'm supposed to be "the one" before I find "the one" and that's what this year's pledge is for and there's stuff I'm building on my own, even with the Ministry stuff. Just to be clear, honestly, this has been an amazing year so far and I wouldn't give it up even if my dream guy walked through the door right now, I've gotten to experience God more in 3 months than I have in 21 years. But I think even God gets that sometimes its easier to work with somebody and to have somebody.

At the end of the conversation with my mom though, an amazing thing happened. I just got this amazing reassurance from Jesus, a.k.a, my awesome, awesome friend, that I don't need to freak about this. He's got my back. Everything's going to be OK, and that filled my heart so much I ended up tweeting this;

I honestly just love Jesus. He's awesome.

Anyway, later last night I was listening to a podcast from Gateway Church, Austin and John Burke just talks about how when Jesus met people who needed something, like the blind men who cried out to Him, He asked them an obvious question, "What do you want?" I mean, duh, they wanna not be blind anymore, they wanna be healed. But Jesus asks a question that we sometimes are too afraid to ask God, because we feel like it's beneath God to hear us, or its too selfish to pray when there's so many other things to pray for, but Jesus asks this question so many times, there's gotta be something to it.

So, I laid it all out there, all my desires, all the crazy things that I hope for, that I see when I picture my future, all the stuff that makes my heart race, like praying or talking or singing or like getting to minister with someone, or watching him minister. Small things like finally having someone put time and thought into my birthday or valentines day (remember I've never had a boyfriend on valentines day :-/ ) And more than any of that, just getting to put into action, or just experiencing love, the kind of love that He's teaching me. I prayed about finishing school in time. I prayed about getting an opportunity to move and find a job and a house smoothly and hassle free.

Like I said, I laid out all the crazy things that look too big and too impossible to ever happen. I'd rather ask and not get than live wondering "What if?" "Why didn't I?" I prayed that if it came down to it, I'm always going to choose Him. It usually takes me a while, but at the end of it, I always choose Him, and with what He's done and how He's changed me so far, it'll probably not take as long a while for me to choose Him. But, I cant help what I feel, and what my desires are, you know?

I always say, God is my dad. He's got my back. Even when it comes to stuff like this.

xx
Raha

Happy!!!!

So, you all have seen me struggle through my faith, being new to it and everything. Moments like these, when I'm so happy and in love because God's come through for me or just done the simplest of things are worth writing about a million times over. God always has a surprise behind his back ;-)

Credit: Photostock

Remember the horrible day I had yesterday, well I thought today was going to go the same way. First I couldn't sleep because I'd had a pretty nasty argument with my sister last night, words were said (by her) that I just got tired of taking, I tried to apologize, but you know those apologies you offer just to get by, because in the back of your mind you know you're not the one who should be offering this apology. Anyway as you can see there's still a bit of resentment left in me, that I'm trying to figure out how to work on.

Then, there was some crazy traffic and I was late to Church by an hour, (no, that wasn't me watching Megamind till I lost track of time)

Then I got to Church and guess who was there:

Credit to KQ, KRFU and Mavuno and my LifeGroup friend who forwarded me this e-mail.

The sermon was about praying for our families. Like Gideon took action despite his position and weakness. I'll have to do a separate post on that topic because it really touched me. I was amazed though because surely God has some incredibly perfect timing! 

Then we watched this video:

I don't know if it's just me with my overly-pinkness, but I literally cried at the end of this video. Hope you watch it. How it related to the sermon is that we weren't put into our families by accident and we have to fight against the forces (lions and crocodiles oh my!) that try to tear our families apart.

After the Service ended, I drank some delicious Tree Tomato Juice. I seriously cannot get that taste out of my head, it was so amazing. Then, caught up with some friends.

Then guess what happened next:

Yup, that's me and ***BIKO ADEMA***

Yeah, me with all my years in this life could not pass up an opportunity like that. However, I was a bit too embarrassed to ask for an autograph and fan picture in front of the Main Church, so I went to the Teens tent where at least I wasn't the only screaming fan hahaha! I was however and embarrassingly enough, the oldest. My friends were looking at me like I'd gone crazy!

Am I a huge dork for still being so giddy and excited? I can't help it, I've had a crush on this guy since High School! He's an amazing rugby player, (I mean, Kenya's 7's Team is the friggin best in the world, so how can he not be AMAZING? Aaaand it doesn't hurt that he looks that good *wink*wink*. To add on to that, he was so sweet and polite...ahh...gush! Now every time I watch a game and I see him scoring tries I'll be thinking, yeah, that guy knew my name for two seconds, he had his arm on my shoulder!

Do you see why I love my Jesus? Who else offers such perks?

O.k, It Was a Date....

Today was a great day. I had fun, I laughed a lot. It was a fun day. At some point during the day I was standing on top of a chair singing "What's love got to do with it" Is that a Whitney Houston song? I'm sorry, I'm not sure, but whoever sang that song, I totally out sang them today. I ate some dry fries and a very big, greasy kebab, and very bitter pineapple juice, and miracle of miracles, I found someone selling strawberries, in January!
That's the first time I've seen strawberries other than in August - and I LOVE strawberries!!! So how can this day be anything other than great.

My friend just called me and asked me to go clubbing with them, but here I am, in my room, with Flyleaf playing in the background, eating strawberries and writing and I could not be happier.....This is me writing and smiling.

My secret meeting that may or may not have been a date went o.k. My BFF just called me and asked me how it went and I was just like..."ehhhh ivo tu" as in, it was just there. So, we ate dry fries and big greasy kebabs, but all the time I was siting across from this guy, I was thinking about how I've just blown my diet and what I was planning on wearing to the Mizizi launch on Tuesday.

It wasn't that the guy was boring, in fact, he was really nice but, my head wasn't in it. (Don't worry guys, I didn't let him pay for my food! I was kind of feeling like I was a bad date) We just didn't have much to talk about, he's one of those guys who still doesn't know what he wants to do and he brought about a couple of, "that's what she said" moments you know the double entendre or innuendos. I just ended up laughing! But, I was still polite and he did just call me to say he had a nice time, that's always a good thing.

But, I still just don't think we clicked. I have a feeling that when I meet the right guy, we'll just click. Conversation will start to come easy after a while and we'll have stuff in common, and he'll know what he wants to do with his life starting with having a plan to not live in his parent's house till his mid to late twenties!
Anyway, it was still a great day, and a day well spent, weird moments aside. Now I'm home, eating strawberries, writing and dancing when a good song starts up.

Aren't these moments, moments when your stress from the week and other day to day problems are the furthest thing from your mind, moments of peace, smiles and strawberries, aren't they the friggin' best?

Killing A Chicken For My Mother-in-Law

I just had to do it. I always say I can approach any situation armed with nothing but my books and a prayer. Well, here in rural Central Province in Kenya all I had for books was my Nokia already on Google searching for "How To Kill A Chicken" Result 1: catch it, dunk it in hot water until its dead....Umm, I don't think so...
Back to Google, "How To Kill A Chicken Humanely" Result 1: Slip it under your arm, snap it's neck with one fluid motion, wait for it to stop flapping its wings, drain bood, pluck its feathers"

He looked at the fear on my face and laughed, "You don't have to do this you know, I'll do it and we'll just tell her it was you."

"No, she told me to do it precisely because she thought I couldn't do it. I don't want your mom to think I'm a city girl who can't take care of you! Plus I dont think lying to your mom is the way I'd like to start off our relationship!"


O.k, I can do this, God help me do this.

Most "Meet The Parents" trips don't end up with this. I always heard about difficult mother-in-laws but I always thought that I would be the exception, like, because of how awesome my mom is to my sister-in-law fate or karma or whatever would lead me to having a great mother-in-law. Here I am, in love with the most kind, sweet, generous and insanely attractive guy I know and if you were in my shoes you'd believe that his mom would be just the same...I mean she raised him right? But the trip didn't get off to such a good start.

We were late, and little did I know that mommy's amazing son had never been late going home, ever. He always got there in the morning so he'd be able to say hi to all his relatives. This time we didn't have time for that, mostly because he was late picking me up from my house, but, in his mom's mind, what's changed? Me! Strike 1!
Then the converstaion starts going, she speaks in our mother tongue (one of our local dialects, Kikuyu) Guess who isn't that fluent in Kikuyu? Me! In her mind, I'm a city girl abandoning her roots, what will the grandchildren speak? Stike 2!
Finally, it's time for lunch. "Ah! I can cook lunch in my sleep!" Shock on me, and shame on my fiance for not telling me, all her mom has is a charcoal jiko!

Do you know how hard it is to light a charcoal jiko? 30 minutes later covered in soot and still struggling to light the stupid thing, she says, she'll do it and I should go kill the chicken, because chicken is her darling son's favorite meal. That's Strike 3, but I have a 2nd chance which leads me here. Facing the chicken.

Have I mentioned I have a phobia of animals, anything warm and breathing that's not human sends me into crippling fear. Contrary to future mother dearests beliefs though, I do know that my fiance's favorite meal is chicken. I've friggin' made every chicken meal on the planet! That's probably how I got engaged in the first place! But I buy the chicken, like most people who are neither cowards nor lazy at the butcher! Still I have to do this.

I feel like I have to do this, like the fate of my relationship/future marriage relies on this task. Like my fiance will stop loving me if I don't kill this bird. Like I'll die old and alone except for a pile of work papers that I clung to with my withering hands because work was all I had left. Plus to be honest, as much as he left me unprepared and made me look like a total ditz in front of his mom, I love this guy with all my heart, and I know how important his family is to him...so if it means killing a bird, I will gladly do it, he'd do the same for me in a heartbeat.


I gently grabbed the chicken...my gentility however lasted all of 5 seconds...then I started screaming...the chicken started squawking...i dropped it and started running and the devilish thing started running after me!!!




Then I woke up! Hahaha, you can't believe it was a dream? I can't believe it was a dream! And I'm the one who dreamt it!

Me, The Financial Erudite

In other news, this week I learn the basic intricacies in International Financial Management. I love finance and I love money and seeing how money works...I'm kind of not that great at saving, though because I always find something that I need to buy, shoes for Ksh.500, new sunglasses for Ksh. 250, Nivea lip balm for Ksh.200, chips from the neighborhood joint for Ksh.60, oh, chips have to go with a samosa that's Ksh.30, a nice cold Alvaro to drink that's another Ksh.30 etc. etc. (From this, you can probably deduce that I am a fat, well-dressed, broke girl lol j/kidding, haha, I'm not well dressed.....again, I'm just kidding) But my lack of prowess in keeping money in my pocket is just the incentive I need to learn about how to keep money, far away from my hands and into financial instruments. So, yes I can say with utmost authority, big spenders are the best financial minds :-)
I don't know, I just feel like corporate finance is my thing, its where I need to be, and if I could find a way to tie that in with marketing then that would be even better. I always dreamt of being this jet-setter, you know those women you see at the airport dressed to the nines, her assistant pulling her suitcase, and her handbag in one hand, laptop in another. Dream destination would be Italy, where I'd have important meetings with investors etc etc. Now that I've grown up though, my dreams are a lot more tamer, the meetings may not be in a Rome office, but Nairobi will do just fine. (Although I'm still planning on learning Italian this year, you know...just in case.)
Some people dream of starting their own businesses, but I don't think I have a single entrepreneurial bone in my body. I'm the 'climbing-the-set-corporate-ladder' type.

Anyway IFM deals with exports and international trade and the forex markets and I cant wait to see how everything works. My biggest fear when it comes to this dream though, is whether or not I'll be able to get what I need out of school to land that amazing job, competition is ridiculous and coveted First Class degrees are hard to obtain. Adding to the pressure, I'm a bit of an introvert in that, unlike for example my cousin who got a job right out of High School (W.T.H??????) I'm more book smart than street smart.
I'm worried but I'm counting on the fact that this isn't the first time I'll be stepping into a new territory armed with nothing but my books and a large dose of prayer. And anyway, aren't I supposed to be content, knowing that I'm protected. Safety in hope, right?


So I know my Bible-In-One-Year-Thingy, lesson-learnt-whateva for today was about contentment, but darn it, I watched Cuidado con el angel again today, and isn't Juan Miguel a.k.a William Levy just sooooo dreamy! When he defended Marichuy and stood up to Estafania, it was all I could do not to jump up and hug the t.v! Or in Dahil ma Isang Ikaw when Ella finally found Miguel who's in a coma but he's screaming in his subconscious mind, "ELLA DON'T LEAVE ME! I'M HERE AND I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH"
Ahh! I could just faint, I swear, I cry when I'm watching these things. Like, real actual tears! Not for any other reason except that its just so beautiful, I mean that sweet, incredible, passionate love....ahh!! Call me emotional, but I honestly cry!
So the way I see it, I have two options, a) Quit watching these soaps or b) Seriously I don't know what else I can do because I love watching them. I wouldn't say I'm addicted, in fact this is the first time I'm watching anything Mexican or from the Philippines since 2007, since I was doing evening classes, but now with my classes spread randomly throughout the early parts of the day and  I got nothing but time. How I choose to occupy myself in this time is to watch Miguel, Ella, Juan Miguel and Marichuy! :-D

You're So Hot, God Must Have Used You As His Blueprint When He Made Man

These are the words I hope to say to my hubz everyday when we wake up. Yes, this long and hopefully interesting post is about what I've always feared putting into words for the sheer ridiculousness of it. (Hey, I just found out ridiculousness is a word) And the fear that if/when I ever do get married and the guy reads this blog he'll be like, "uko serious? aki, you were so ridiculous those days!" to which I'll reply, "Shut up hubz, this blog is about my life and my thoughts before you found me, and honey, fantasizing about you was a major part of that life, so just pipe down and read it ama I won't cook my special lasagna for you!!!"


Growing up girls have this mental picture of Prince Charming, and what Happily Ever After will look like, some girls don't, maybe too they're focused, too damaged, too normal, maybe they're just not me! I on the other hand have my entire wedding planned out, only thing missing though, is a groom ;-D There's not even a semblance of a groom i.e no boyfriend, no potential boyfriend no nothing. But I've planned it all, I won't let it all out here so lets just leave some fields with a big _ _ _ _ _blank. I know the type of rings I want (a matching set where the engagement ring fits into the wedding ring so they look like one, yellow gold, diamonds not a must but I wouldn't refuse, duh! ), I know the two dresses I'll wear for the ceremony and reception, the _ _ _ _ _ _ theme and colors and decorations and cake, and _ _ _ _ _ _ inspired ceremony in a beautiful green place with a pool or more preferably a lake (loud hinting here W_n_s_r  G_l_f  C_ _b), to the pastor presiding, to where my first honeymoon night will be, to what music will be playing, to what the groom and groomsmen are wearing, and most importantly celebrating the fact that my future best friend and I or the one prepared for me (as my mom would say) are standing under love and have each others backs forever (insert long dreamy sigh)

More than that, a wedding no matter how well planned or beautiful or dream-like it is, is just one day. Trust me I daydream about much more than that, I wonder how I'll land an incredible job to be able to contribute substantially to our lives and to the economic level I want us to be in, I wonder how we'll afford a wedding when there are so many other things to do like starting a mortgage to buy a house because I am not a believer in paying rent, nor do I believe in having committees of other people pay for a wedding, I wonder how we'll afford to stock that house, I wonder where that house will be, I wonder how we'll manage to do the whole Christian "God's plan is waiting until after marriage thing" during our long courtship because if I'm seriously thinking of keeping up with the whole being saved thing then that's a must for me, I wonder if we'll be happy and in love when we're fifty, I wonder if we'll be blessed with kids, I wonder if my kids will be healthy, I wonder if they'll be cute, I wonder if life will be better or the same or if global warming or terrorism will have taken over and we'll have no more of this beautiful world to enjoy, I wonder if I'll be an amazing wife, I wonder if he'll be an amazing husband, I wonder what our fights will be about or what they'll be like or whether we'll ever go to sleep angry, I wonder if we'll be amazing parents, I wonder if God forbid we're forced to, how one will manage to live without the other....................so many thoughts run through my head.

But mostly I just dream. I dream about driving to work together even though we'll have two cars, surprise lunch dates, washing dishes, cooking for him, arguing about who watches what on t.v, Christmas with my family, how he'll fit in with my brothers, me taking his sisters out for lunch, him fixing the car, him making me laugh, me happy knowing he's there, going to Church together wearing color coordinated clothes [he he he j/k, kinda ;-) ],  December holidays in Mombasa, gifts and cards, drinking wine and eating chocolate on the balcony at night, how I'll be an amazing wife full of love and kisses and surprises.

Before you get me wrong, I'm not sad or lonely or desperate for a guy to come and save me. My dad used to handle every single fault in the house, changing light bulbs, replacing fuses, everything. When he passed away, I try to take away some of the work from my mom, like last year I fixed a faulty electric line in the house, I can drive her and myself to work, in fact I've been an accident free driver for almost 3 years, I can buy my own lunch and comfortably sit alone in a restaurant like I did last month at Steers, I don't like cooking or washing dishes all that much, I have the potential to make my own money and learn how to invest amazingly, and I do a heck of a great job taking the car to the mechanic myself, plus I can hold my own against a bus or matatu driver. I even took one to Lang'ata Police Station last year when he almost side-swept my car and tried to get away, but as much as I can do these things for myself, I don't want to have to do it, and certainly not for the rest of my life!



I'm happy to be alone though, whether or not the offers come, this is my season to heal and grow, To know who I am as me. I usually get so lost in the other person that I forget who I am and that's not an attractive quality. I want to settle down with school and all these extra courses and move up to a great job. I want to learn everything I can to be a finance/marketing go-to woman or guru. I want to make tons of money to secure my future and not go into any relationship empty handed. I want to be immovable in my faith. I want to come together as one, because to me true lasting love isn't 1/2+1/2=1, it's 1+1+1=1. Two WHOLE people coming together as one, each with their own sets of assets and liabilities, relying on God to maximize on  their strengths and minimize on their losses, not one party bringing the other down.

I've come to realize being in a relationship with God is the easiest thing ever because there are no masks and no wondering what the other person is thinking or whether or not they love you. Yet, I've never gone a month without backsliding ever up until now at least (yay for me!) If I can't handle this relationship, it would be impossible to handle a true man/woman one. (man/woman??????? I'm sorry, I didn't know how else to put that)

Yes, I'm happy being alone, but then my BFF starts talking about her new boyfriend, or I watch my telenovelas like in 'Dahil ma Isang Ikaw' where Miguel and Ella are happily married and in love or in 'Cuidado con el Angel' where Juan Miguel and Maria de Jesus share those steamy, passionate, gazing into each others eyes while standing incredibly close and saying, "I love you, Marichuy, do you want me to kiss you again" and I think, "God, why can't I have some of that?" An insanely, cruelly handsome man who looks like William Levy daily professing his love for me and showering me with gifts and affection and that look that says "You're the only one in this world for me, always and forever" and that kiss or even just that hug that will make your heart melt, your knees go weak, your spine turn to mush, your foot lift off the ground etc. etc.

I don't have a shopping list, like "he's has to be tall, dark and handsome" or whatever. I truly believe that God knows what I need more than I do....only exception to not having a list, is that he has to be a church guy, not just a church guy, but he has to be saved for a while before meeting me and say definitively "I'm saved" when I ask him unlike the last three 'church guys' I've dated who reply with an uncertain "Um, don't ask me, are you yourself saved?......Oh, um, me, I'm on the path.....blah blah blah"
He has to love God more than he loves me and I won't be intimidated by that because I know God loves me too and He'll balance things out. It's like seek ye first God and I will be added to him lol and vice versa. He also has to be tall and lookable, and I'm not saying that for selfish reasons, I'm doing it for my children hahaha, I don't want my children to be un-lookable plus I'm short, so me+short guy=tiny kids?! :-D
O.k this is turning out to be a list, but God in case you're reading this, since it's becoming apparent You're my only follower on blogger, then please prepare for me the best, as You continue preparing me to be his best. Continue to help me learn to hear and accept Your voice as my only authority. For now though, I am more than content in my fantasies, dreams and anticipation of what You have in store. Although I have to admit, I can't wait for my happily ever after/walking on the beach toward the sunset

(Although I terribly wish it were me and my love in those pictures, sadly they are all pictures from free images www.imagehousing.com)