These next couple of weeks are emotional. On one hand I'm excited to see my family, to eat my mom's pancakes, to spend time with my sister and trade stories, to get my hair done and on the road to recovery. At the same time I'm terrified. I have no idea what the future holds. I feel like I'm not done with Redding, my heart belongs here, but a part of me feels like I'm being ripped away prematurely. I'm not done yet, the things God showed me and others, they haven't happened yet. All my dreams haven't come to be yet. Still, here I am counting the days. I'm excited to go home, but terrified at the same time.
Home holds a lot of memories for me, the majority of which haven't been pleasant to say the least. God literally rescued me from a destructive cycle when He brought me here. I was searching for meaning and searching for love and kept thinking I had found it, only I was absolutely wrong and it was the same vicious cycle, over and over again. Not just looking for love, but career-wise, I was stuck in the wrong job with an abusive boss, and this was what the rest of my life looked like. Floating from one relationship to another, from one job to another looking for meaning.
My biggest fear is being caught up in all of that again. I. Just. Can't.
I've found my reason for being in this place. Has it been perfect? Absolutely not. But I woke up each morning and I did it and for the first time in my life, I felt ALIVE.
So saying goodbye...it's a process. I'm grieving. I know this because, tonight I miss my dad. When you lose someone, the wind gets knocked out of you. The way you breathe, the way your heart beats is changed forever. At least that's what happened for me. I literally feel a weight on my chest, I miss my dad so bad I can't breathe. I know this isn't about my dad though. I'm just grieving. I'm saying goodbye.
I miss Bethel. I miss Redding, I miss California so bad I can't breathe. I miss the promise it holds and the life I've lived. I miss all the dreams I had that haven't come true yet. I miss it with every ounce of my being. I'm excited to go home. It's my home. I have hope for my city. I love my culture. I love Nairobi. But, this place has my heart, this is Home and leaving it, well, it takes the wind out of me, and my breath will never be the same.
God, I hope I come back.
Home holds a lot of memories for me, the majority of which haven't been pleasant to say the least. God literally rescued me from a destructive cycle when He brought me here. I was searching for meaning and searching for love and kept thinking I had found it, only I was absolutely wrong and it was the same vicious cycle, over and over again. Not just looking for love, but career-wise, I was stuck in the wrong job with an abusive boss, and this was what the rest of my life looked like. Floating from one relationship to another, from one job to another looking for meaning.
My biggest fear is being caught up in all of that again. I. Just. Can't.
I've found my reason for being in this place. Has it been perfect? Absolutely not. But I woke up each morning and I did it and for the first time in my life, I felt ALIVE.
So saying goodbye...it's a process. I'm grieving. I know this because, tonight I miss my dad. When you lose someone, the wind gets knocked out of you. The way you breathe, the way your heart beats is changed forever. At least that's what happened for me. I literally feel a weight on my chest, I miss my dad so bad I can't breathe. I know this isn't about my dad though. I'm just grieving. I'm saying goodbye.
I miss Bethel. I miss Redding, I miss California so bad I can't breathe. I miss the promise it holds and the life I've lived. I miss all the dreams I had that haven't come true yet. I miss it with every ounce of my being. I'm excited to go home. It's my home. I have hope for my city. I love my culture. I love Nairobi. But, this place has my heart, this is Home and leaving it, well, it takes the wind out of me, and my breath will never be the same.
God, I hope I come back.
No comments:
Post a Comment