I've decided to start a new series here called Future Life Fridays. Basically, if I could write a letter to myself in 20 years, what I'd like it to sound like, so I'm going to find people who inspire me and ask them for little interviews, what worked for them, and how they got there. Or if I find something that makes sense, I could feature it here.
This week though, I'm lucky enough have gotten my very first interview. Jane's been one of those people I've always looked up to, I guess in a lot of ways I'm trying to walk in her footsteps, because she's been inspirational to me. I met her, in a time in my life where I was in desperate need of advice and she looked upon me with love.
Today, I’m lucky enough to interview a woman, who I wish I could be in 15 years. At the age of 36, Jane has achieved career success, spiritual growth and best of all, has a loving and supportive family comprised of a doting husband, Gavin and 4 adorable kids. She’s truly one of the happiest people I know, and having celebrated their 10-year anniversary, part of the most amazing couple I’ve met. We take a look at her journey, celebrate and get inspired.
What would be your biggest piece of advice?
I’d have to say, the two P’s, patience and prayer. Patience in the sense that you can exercise the right to say no or to say wait. Those words are good enough for God, but people, especially girls don’t realize it’s good enough for them. I know that, because I didn’t realize it either. Don’t jump from one relationship to the next, wait a while and rebuild yourself. Don’t say yes to a relationship right away, take a while and douse it in prayer. Don’t say yes to sex, don’t allow that to be the pinnacle of your relationship, save it for your wedding night, trust me, all those rumors and lies the world spout of how you’ll end up incompatible or whatever, honey it’s a lie. Build your lives together first, then let that be the icing on the cake. I mean, good things take time. Prayer comes along every step of the way. Before every move you make, pray. Pray together. It’ll help you stave off temptation and I cannot describe the connection you make.
What were you looking for in a man?
I guess I can split that into two. What made me notice a guy was if he was attractive to me, a Christian and if he was a positive hustler (laughing)…
Wait, what’s a positive hustler?
Ha, you caught that? A positive hustler is like, a guy whose driven, smart, bright, you know, who has other stuff going on other than, you know, his job, like involved in other hopefully income-generating activities. I looked for that, because I knew myself. I’m a dreamer. I have all these big ideas and I need someone who’s a realist who’ll say, this is the way we can do this and achieve this, or no, that’s not something we can do.
Ok, what else were you looking for?
Well, apart from those three. I think the rest wasn’t really what I was looking for, but more of, as I got to know someone, what would make me love them, what would make me theirs. I think the Christian part encompasses those things, patient, loving, kind, generous, faithful…just someone who’d understand me, my sense of humor, my stories, my personality, was affectionate and someone who would fight for me, rather than flee at the first sign of trouble. Like if I said no at his request would he be mad and stomp off? If I said, I’m not ready for sex with you and I want to wait, would he jump into bed with someone else and dump me the next day? Someone who fights for you will fight for your relationship and ultimately fight for your family and your marriage.
What are some of the practices you can say have made your marriage work?
There’s so much! I have to say, that we pray. It’s not easy for us, we both work and have kids and at the end of the day, we just want to get in bed and sleep. So, recognizing that, we have a little devotion book we read from and a prayer that we write out every week at our therapy session covering our issues for that week and we just quickly say that at the end of the day. It’s not perfect, trust me, sometimes we’re half-asleep, sometimes we’re mad at each other, but we have to do that, and kiss goodnight and say I love you. Then, we read to our kids, and most of the bed-time stories, at least all for the two youngest kids, are all Bible stories.
You mentioned therapy. How did that start? Why do you need therapy, when you seem so happy?
We are at a great place in our marriage, and we’d like to keep it that way (laughing) Our therapy, started out as going to pre-marital and marital classes and seminars and just anywhere we could get information to help us grow. I have to admit it started as me forcing him to go! After a while, it got enjoyable, especially when we took on a more involved role as mentors for pre-marital classes, and we started talking. It opened our communication to another level. We learned word like,’ love languages’ and ‘disappointed’ and ‘disagree’ rather than give each other the silent treatment or shout at each other to communicate. The therapy is just an avenue to air issues out and as an added bonus, have this uninvested third party help us keep a level head and make decisions that are best for both of us, not one of us. Sometimes selfishness gets in the way, especially after you’re used to someone, you get more comfortable being selfish and its good sometimes to have someone to shame you into doing the right thing. Also we agreed from early on, we don’t discuss our issues with anybody else but God. There’s a pressure that family and friends can create that we recognized would hurt us. God, just happened to use our wonderful doctor recommended to us by our Pastor.
What are some other practices you’ve developed in your marriage?
For me, one thing I try and do is set the mood for the day. I heard my daughter say to our nanny once, “Mommy’s in a bad mood, so daddy’s in a bad mood, so I’m in a bad mood” and it killed me. So, I wake up in the morning, kiss everyone good morning and be as bright as can be, then I go into the car and be as moody as I feel, go to work and perk back up, go to the gym and work it out, get home and kiss everyone hello. I just want my kids to think of me as a happy person and my husband to look forward to coming home, you know?
Another is having a date night. Therapy is good for this, because we have our one hour session and go out after, so we know that time of the week is blocked out. My daughters also go on a date with their dad and their brothers every other late Saturday afternoon. We agree it’s important that our daughters know how precious they are and know how they deserve to be treated and for our sons to learn how to be gentlemen. Sunday is for the family. On Saturdays, before their dinner, I hang out with the kids; it can be watching movies, girly days in, or watch their sports or play video games, or play dates and parties or whatever else may come up. During the week we try to have one on one time for the kids…control freak that I am, I have a little chart for that. It’s not that I need it, or that I don’t remember which of my kids I hung out with, it’s just to keep track because I know how important it is to feel that one on one time.
We’re also affectionate with our kids and really as open with them as we can be at their age. We hope to model the right kind of love for them and make them feel secure in the family. Which is also why we don’t argue, or rather raise our voices in front of the kids. It’s great because, it give us time to sort of cool our heads down so we aren’t mean and hurtful. I mean you have a tiff and it could be anywhere from a few minutes to a couple of hours before you can get away from the kids to address it. We’ve sometimes resorted to passing notes or texting sometimes, it’s funny but I like it.
What was dating like for you?
It wasn’t all rules like it seems, trust me! We had fun, we went out on normal dates, and a couple of not so normal ones, just fun and out of the box. We met at a time in my life where I’d been single for a while, kind of recovering from a series of bad choices I’d made in a past relationship and just trying to build my life back up, determine what I wanted to do, build my faith in God, and just try to recover form a hard time and a period in my life I’d made so many mistakes and my self-value was shattered. I was just taking time to get back some sense of worth, and God just helped me see that despite all I’d done and how badly I’d made a mess of me, I was still precious in His sight. He came when I was just beginning to be whole again. It took a while before I was open to the idea of being exclusive, I wanted to know he was worth it, and he was.
You have 4 kids. How has having kids change the dynamic of you relationship?
Yeah, I have two boys and two girls; they are roughly 2, 4, 6 and 8. We were definitely scared about how having kids would change us, because we’d been married for a couple of years and we already had our own groove and routine and life was seemingly perfect. Especially because we wanted to space our kids like that, as closely as healthily and financially possible, we expected it would be a lot of work and we didn’t know if we were ready. Our first child was definitely God kicking us out of the nest to see if we could fly. It was definitely God-planned and miraculous in so many ways, and we just had to go from there. Seeing how Gavin totally transitioned into this new role, was incredible. There were times I even tested him to see how far he would go like, midnight cravings of roasted corn on the cob, and my sweet babe would throw some in the microwave and char them up a bit with our kitchen blowtorch so it looked authentic, (at the time I didn’t know the blowtorch bit, and I thought he’d actually grilled them) It got to a point though where I felt so guilty because after one of my midnight runs he overslept and he was late for a really important meeting at work. Needless to say, I’ve never craved anything that I couldn’t get for myself again! Anyway, during my pregnancies, he became really nurturing and just let that side of him come out more. He became extremely protective, of what I ate, where I went, how I felt, stretching his arm out across me on the passenger seat when we hit a road bump, just making sure we were safe.
Once the kids came, just seeing how he was with them, how involved he wanted to be, made me love him so much more. Of course there’s no way I can look at my kids and see those little resemblances traits they share and not love him more.
What are your parenting principles?
I wouldn’t really call them principles, we’re still new at this and there’s a lot of trial and error. I guess some stuff that we’ve established is that we want our kids to be close, so despite how big of a house we’ll ever have, our girls share a room and our boys share a room. It’s a challenge because the baby may wake up the older one, but it works most nights, and it makes the older kid feel a level of responsibility. Another is that feeding times aren’t just mommy time; I pump, oh gosh, sorry too much information! (Laughing) Anyway, so my hubby gets a chance to feed the babies and for the older kids, we try to split it as much as possible. We don’t want a case where if one of us isn’t home, the kids won’t eat because they’re only used to the other parent feeding them. Another is that our marriage comes first as much as possible, happy mommy and daddy, happy home. We’re lucky enough to have family and help who are willing to take on 4 kids under the age of 8 to babysit so we can have some time alone. Then we spend as much time as we can with our kids, love on them, teach them and show them the benefits of relying on God, not just in words but in actions and just to be there for them in spite of anything.
Any last words?
I truly thank God every day, just for providing these ideas from people who’ve gone before us, and for giving me a handsome husband who’s patient with me and tries them, as much as they drive him crazy. I think he’d do anything for us and to ensure our well-being, as a couple, and as a family. He’s our kid’s hero, he’s my superman and that’s not something I take for granted. I usually joke around that Mexican soap operas and fairytales have nothing on me, and it’s a joke, but that’s how I choose to look at my life. I’m just thankful for him and what we’re building.
(editors note: she actually said handsome instead of husband lol)
