So, life hasn't been peachy lately...before I got sick last week, I had a groove going on. My life was kinda settled, I knew what I wanted to do, I knew where I was going, what I was hoping for, I knew what to do when I was down and how to pick myself up again, I was on a roll with my God-life - Bible reading plan, prayer, I was settled.
Then I was under the weather and now that I've recovered, I'm just lost all over again. It's not just about getting sick but also with the fact that this is my last official semester of college...it's a huge thing, I'm at the end of the line.
Being a last-born, especially being so far apart from my brother and sister and being my mom's "retirement baby", it's a life of guilt. My sister was talking to me about maybe not doing my Masters until I get a job, which is a valid point, but I think one thing that she doesn't need to worry about is taking me on a guilt trip. My life is all guilt...
When I was younger it was feeling guilty about not living up to the example my siblings set in school, the pressure to always perform, then it was the pressure to go to the school they wanted and do the course they wanted, then it's the pressure to make my mom proud, live up to my siblings, time and time again, I feel guilty for not living up to them, guilty for moving out and leaving my mom alone, guilty for looking for a job and having no idea where to begin, guilty that I drive a car and my siblings didn't, guilty every single time my mom puts cash in my bank account, pressure and guilt. It's worse because, you're the baby of the family, everyone treats you like a baby, when you act out, everyone jumps down your throat. Whether it's calling someone else to "report my behavior" and telling them to "have a talk with me" or the constant lectures on ways that I'm not good enough, or ways that I'm a disappointment or ways that I'm taking advantage of my mom...ARGH! Guilt that I get annoyed when every single conversation with my mom revolves around them, hello, I have a life too! Add to the guilt and pressure, it's the disconnect, everybody else is at a different phase of life than I am. And the intimidation, the whole people can pour into my life, but the moment I give an opinion or try to say where I'm coming from, I'm defensive or attacking or rude and again, there's a phone call to report my behavior or a rude text which of course I cant reply to because then I'm rude and defensive and the "no wonder your life went the way it did" line.
Anyway, I have the option of posting this or not, but I choose to post it, not as a poor me downer post, but as a way to put down how I felt at this point of my life...to understand my kid when they go through this, hopefully to laugh about it in a couple of years at a family reunion, like, "how dramatic was I?"
Ventfully Yours
Jo
Then I was under the weather and now that I've recovered, I'm just lost all over again. It's not just about getting sick but also with the fact that this is my last official semester of college...it's a huge thing, I'm at the end of the line.
Being a last-born, especially being so far apart from my brother and sister and being my mom's "retirement baby", it's a life of guilt. My sister was talking to me about maybe not doing my Masters until I get a job, which is a valid point, but I think one thing that she doesn't need to worry about is taking me on a guilt trip. My life is all guilt...
When I was younger it was feeling guilty about not living up to the example my siblings set in school, the pressure to always perform, then it was the pressure to go to the school they wanted and do the course they wanted, then it's the pressure to make my mom proud, live up to my siblings, time and time again, I feel guilty for not living up to them, guilty for moving out and leaving my mom alone, guilty for looking for a job and having no idea where to begin, guilty that I drive a car and my siblings didn't, guilty every single time my mom puts cash in my bank account, pressure and guilt. It's worse because, you're the baby of the family, everyone treats you like a baby, when you act out, everyone jumps down your throat. Whether it's calling someone else to "report my behavior" and telling them to "have a talk with me" or the constant lectures on ways that I'm not good enough, or ways that I'm a disappointment or ways that I'm taking advantage of my mom...ARGH! Guilt that I get annoyed when every single conversation with my mom revolves around them, hello, I have a life too! Add to the guilt and pressure, it's the disconnect, everybody else is at a different phase of life than I am. And the intimidation, the whole people can pour into my life, but the moment I give an opinion or try to say where I'm coming from, I'm defensive or attacking or rude and again, there's a phone call to report my behavior or a rude text which of course I cant reply to because then I'm rude and defensive and the "no wonder your life went the way it did" line.
Anyway, I have the option of posting this or not, but I choose to post it, not as a poor me downer post, but as a way to put down how I felt at this point of my life...to understand my kid when they go through this, hopefully to laugh about it in a couple of years at a family reunion, like, "how dramatic was I?"
Ventfully Yours
Jo
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