Apartment Updates 1

So, exciting news. I found a TV for my place. It used to be our TV but in some way, it ended up being my aunt's TV, so I had to ask her for it. I thought she'd say no, but she said I could pick it up tomorrow. It's not ideally whta I want, I mean, it's too big for a tiny house like mine, but I'm glad to have it at least until I save up some money to buy a smaller one.

I also stocked up the kitchen, I got a dish rack, plates, glasses, gas. There are some glasses I looked at that I liked and I'll save up to buy those too.

I don't have a couch, I think that's a couple of months away, hopefully after I've made enough money from the internship I'm hoping to get.

As for the flat in question...I still don't have one. You see, my BFF found me that place in his building, but then another friend of mine from my Mizizi class is also looking for me. So, I've kinda put the BFF on hold waiting to see if I can get a better deal. Hopefully though, by next week I'll be done and all moved in.

My mom is behind me, it just feels so weird, ah, I'm growing up.

First Apartment

So, this little girl is growing up and next week I'll be a house-owning, bill-paying, solo-living, adult-becoming citizen. How crazy is that?

This will actually be my second time moving out. My first place was great. It was huge! It was close to ammenities, it was in a gated estate, just perfect. Until, the landlady decided to expand her business and build new units, thus begun the power-cuts, the water rationing, the smelly mess when the sewer system was being set up, the construction crew at my door every morning before I got up, the crew being able to look into my bathroom when they were constructing the top floors. Then came me, tucking my tail between my legs and heading back home, defeated by the real world.

But this, this is my second chance. Sure this place may not be as big as my last place. Sure it may not be in a nice gated community, sure it may entail a 15 minute walk through deserted land (which means, no late nights for me! hehe), but it's my place. I pay the bills, so they can't limit my electricity like they did at the last place where I couldn't even plug in my computer without it blowing a fuse. Plus, now I have the experience to learn from. Oh, and there's free satellite TV, so Yay me!

Other stuff that's different, is that the last time, I was moving because my friends, were pressuring me. This time, I'm doing it for me. Last time, it was right after my dad died, so I was running away from home in a way, not to face it, but this time, I think I'm a bit more settled. This time, I also have my mom's blessing to do it.

This place is going to be different. I'm going to make it feel like home, like completely, from getting a carpet, to nice drapery, to window treatments, the whole nine yards! I'm even doing research online. I can't wait. And, hey, new stuff to blog about.

Pictures soon!

Update

So, where we left off last week, I was having a bit of a crisis of faith. I still don't quite know where I am, but I do completely recognize where I'm not. I don't want to go back to the old me, 100%. Hiding behind friends and drinking and all that stuff. I also know that my life is crazy chaotic without God.

I have to admit, me taking off last week, was my silly attempt at trying to guilt God into doing stuff for me. That's how a lot of us get what we want, right? But, I realized yesterday as I was heading to church how dumb that is. Then during worship, we sang this song, "Yesu umeniweza" which basically means, "Jesus you've overwhelmed me" and I just felt that He truly had. To add to that, Rigga (the worship leader) read this Psalm:


Psalm 37:3-8  Trust in the LORD and do good; live in the land and be safe. Seek your happiness in the LORD, and he will give you your heart's desire. Give yourself to the LORD; trust in him, and he will help you; he will make your righteousness shine like the noonday sun. Be patient and wait for the LORD to act; don't be worried about those who prosper or those who succeed in their evil plans. Don't give in to worry or anger; it only leads to trouble. 

When I used to read that it'd be verse 4 that got my attention:

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

I was glad that, that wasn't the part he emphasized, rather he reminded us that when we spend time with God, and take the time to know Him and His word, that we'll know what He wants for us, and our desires will be His desires.

I also read through a couple of my old posts and I came across one where I'd written how, we focus so much on the answer, we forget to focus on God.

I still can't say I'm 100% where I want to be, or need to be, but I am thankful that God didn't let me fall into old habits and patterns and more than that He reminded me so vividly of how my life would suck without Him. That disturbing, almost haunting feeling of "wow, I need to pray" is so much better than, "wow, I need a drink" or worse, and I've done worse. It's a constant battle, yeah?

Anyway, that's where I'm at...not quite there, but wanting to be.

Where I'm At...In Need of HELP

Where I'm at, at this moment, is a not so good place. I don't know why, but the last couple of days I've been feeling so out of whack, and it all relates with one thing, which is the issue of surrender we dealt with in Mizizi last week.

Here I am thinking that I've surrendered everything and like, you know what God, if you take away everything, I'm still gonna be good.

Really though, I can't say I'm there yet. I still want what I want. Like with school, I'm nowhere near where I want to be, and I'm so...(and yes I mean the following word with all the hurt and negativity it connotes)...ANGUISHED... about what I'm going to do about that whole situation. I honestly do not think I can make it big, if at all, and that thought terrifies me, because if I don't have school, if I don't have that big graduation party for all my family and my mom's friends, if I don't have that assurance and hope that I'm going to be able to get that fabulous job, what do I have? How that relates to God is like, how can YOU save me from this situation? How did YOU let me get to this place?

Then there's the whole thing of, o.k. and I mean this in the kindest way possible...friends of mine in relationships, dispensing advice like they're experts or something, I mean I appreciate it, but it's also condescending saying stuff to me like, "Tulia my dear, if it's meant to be it'll be, usiharakishe maisha dear" loosely translated that mean, "Relax my dear, if it's meant to be it'll be, don't hurry life dear" which honestly to me sounds like, "Haha, I know better than you, I'm in a relationship and you aren't. You're such a loser" O.k, I may be overreacting, but really, to me, that's what it sounded like. I mean, I can't even express my opinion on stuff like Valentine's Day without someone else jumping down my throat and saying, "Huwezi elewa, ngoja ufike hapa" which means "You can't understand unless you're in a relationship" I mean, I look at all these people and think...a lot of things, haha, but mostly I think, why am I still stuck with attracting these losers? (Losers in the sense that they're players or liars, not in an offensive way) Why am I the one spending Christmas and New Years and VALENTINES alone?

My issue is, God let so many negative people enter my life when I wasn't saved, yeah? Well doesn't it stand to reason that when I am saved He should lead positive people into my life. Yes, I have my Mizizi group and I recognize that and I'm thankful for that, but I mean, like in life outside church, like at school and home and just around.

Another issue is, if I've surrendered all these stuff that I love to God, like saying "God, I give you all this stuff that I love, I choose you above it all" and He, well, takes them...why doesn't He also take the negative stuff, the stuff that I don't want, like these feelings of anxiety and depression and sadness. Truly, I don't want to live my life apart from God, but why does He let it be so easy for me to be separated from Him.

Really, to be honest, I miss my dad SO MUCH. It's been almost 2 years since he passed away, and you'd think it would be getting easier, but, I'm finding myself more and more and like, minute by minute, trying to hold back tears. Like today, I found this painted soapstone I bought on a class trip to Rift Valley when I was like 10 years old, and I scratched out, "I love you Dad" on it. I bought one for my dad, mom and sister, (because I was sweet like that haha) Anyway, in a few months my sister had broken hers and my mom had lost hers. Years later in High School, I saw my dad with this chain around his neck, not like a pretty chain, but just simple that he made at home. What he'd done is that he'd actually drilled a whole through that soapstone and he wore it around his neck. Like, I never asked him to, and it was like 7 years later, but he'd kept it, and even when I was going through my "moody-teen-years" and fought with him and stuff, he wore that thing. That just...I can't describe, how it felt and still feels. I miss him and I'm absolutely gutted.

In Mizizi, we learnt that when dealing with issues of surrender, we find it difficult, because of two main doubts that we carry. First, we doubt God's ability. Second, we doubt God's willingness.

I don't doubt God's ability. I mean...it's God. It's the same God who split the sea so the Israelites could walk through, and even closer home, it's the same God who opened doors for Pastor Daniel and the elders of the Church in Berlin who were looking for a pastor to connect, and hence continue with the Mavuno Germany project.

His willingness, for me, is however in doubt. A lot of times it feels like God just throws me into stuff to see how I'll react, and to go like, "Hahaha, angels, hurry up with the popcorn! Jesus, come look at that silly girl, can you believe she actually fell for that? Hahaha"

Again, I don't want to sound ungrateful, or be misunderstood. God, saved me from a lot, and He's brought me really far from where I was, and I have amazing new friends out of Mizizi and I'm SOOOO THANKFUL for that. I wish I could shake this feeling. I honestly have no idea what to do.

Valentine's Day in Pictures

Chicken, Bacon and Barbecue Pizza, Peri-Peri Chicken Pizza with Extra Cheese, Chocolate Fudge Cake with Whipped Cream, Strawberry Black Forest Cake with Whipped Cream

AND TODAY, MY JEANS (and my Mom's who ate half of this) DON'T FIT :-)

Thank you to Capital Center who gave me the only flowers I got this Valentine's :-)

Hiking at Ngong' Hills

So, one of the reasons I started writing this blog was to make me get out of bed and in front of the t.v and get outside and live life to give you guys and myself a bit of entertainment and to make sure I GOT A LIFE. I think I've done pretty good with that resolution, joining Mizizi, going to Worship Night....O.K that list was a lot longer in my head hehehehe, but anyway point is, that I do feel like I'm enjoying life a bit more and my life isn't about what the latest DVD or Series on t.v is.

Latest in my "new life of adventure" was going to climb Ngong' Hills with some people from my school, I had my camera along, to catch the views as usual since, I'm a landscape kind of person. The only bad part of the day was that the weather was so, no, SOOOO hot! The grass was dry, so it wasn't all nice and green and pretty like I would have wanted, and since there were so many of us, we decided not to drive up because we couldn't all fit in one car so we only really got to climb one hill, not the seven (?) that are there...yeah, I think there are 7. Another thing that sucked, is that some of the guys were drinking and I don't like how rowdy or  sick some people can get when they're drunk, but we mostly stayed out of their way, and still had fun.

Now, as much as I think I'm an outdoorsy person, I've never hated walking as much as I did then. My body is still aching!!!! But, I would do it again, anytime, preferably after it's rained a little so that the grass is a bit greener, and maybe with a different group of people. It was a lot of fun.

So the afternoon started off with lunch at a dingy little hole in the wall...and I don't mean "hole-in-the-wall" like some cozy little Manhattan jazz club, I mean, literally a hole in the wall. I could've taken pictures but I was afraid I would be beaten up by the owner. The white stuff is Ugali, with Spinach and 1/2 a k.g of fried meat stew all for sh.120 or about $1.25 how crazy is that! In a "normal" restaurant, all that could be like sh. 300-500 and a much smaller serving. It tasted nice and my stomach's doing fine, so the food was good :-)  Anyone want the recipe? :-)

That's how Ngong' looked from way up here.

Some of the other hills, how amazing does that look, and how much prettier that will look in March after it rains

 Am I corny for thinking, how amazing God is for creating stuff like this? Not just the cow, but the hills :-)

 This is what the day was about, friendship and bonding. I love this pic

Feeling like I was on top of the world

Well, some more pictures are up on my Facebook page, don't worry, the rest aren't all landscape-y, it's just a bunch of fun people and friends from our trip. When you're over there, I'd love it if you could hit that Like button and follow me :-)

Yeah, was kind of debating whether to put a picture of me up here, but I decided against it, fan your imaginations a little :-D

Happy Travels

Guest Post on Wide Open Spaces

The day I've been waiting for all week is finally here, my guest post on one of my most favorite blogs, Wide Open Spaces. 

Please allow me to say, YAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!! Hahaha :-)

I've read Jordan's blog from before I started writing, because she's funny and down-to-earth, and real. If she was in Nairobi, she'd definitely be coming to Mavuno.

When I saw her asking if anyone wanted to guest post, I jumped at the shot, although I have to admit I was nervous and couldn't think of what to write about, coupled with my internet provider who decided to give me some added stress the last couple of weeks, oh plus the fact that it's a Valentine's themed post and I'm *ahem* single. But, I got over all that and tried to do something. Pastor M, I did not VENT.... I INVENTED! :-)

So please click here and head on over and read my post and check some of her stuff out too. She has an amazing blog design and she designs blogs too, so plenty of nice stuff to check out.

In the off-chance that the links don't work, it's www.jordy-liz.com

It's Not About Who You Have Around You

Today I read:

• Exodus 29:1-30:10
• Matthew 26:14-46
• Psalm 31:19-24
• Proverbs 8:14-26

Photo Credit: Mavuno Website

I was so struck by how real and human Jesus was at this point. He was seriously freaking out and scared knowing what was coming. It was probably the hardest part of His life, and He even prayed for God to take the cup away, but His prayer solidifies what I said in the morning. Jesus didn't pray, "God, take away this cup of suffering from me, or I'll never forgive You, and I'll never speak to You again." Like I would have done, instead He focussed on His relationship with God, recognizing Him as His father, the author of everything, and God as Potter and Him as clay. He says, " "My Father, if this cup of suffering cannot be taken away unless I drink it, your will be done."

I used to think that if I said "Let your will be done" at the end of every prayer, then it would be like I didn't have faith in what I was praying, you know what I'm saying, because all these "experts" tell us, you have to ask for what you want and believe it with all your heart then you'll get it. I'm not saying that's not entirely true, but, God will always focus more on your heart, on the building of a friendship and relationship, than our shopping-wish list. If he doesn't give you what you ask for, will you still be buddies with Him?

Even on a human level, I get absolutely annoyed by those people who don't talk to you for ages, then out of the blue get in touch when they need something from you. I am one of those people, but that's another story, the point is, that's not how friendships or relationships are built. It's about being there in boring times and fun times, in success and in failure, in sickness and in health, in laughter and tears, through all the fights and fears, it's basically just being there. He's there for us, would we be there for Him?

Another way that He was so human was that he had friends who kinda let Him down when He most needed them. Don't we all go through that though. I've come to realize, sometimes it's not just about who you have around you, it's about who you have above you. The people around you may be amazing and full of the best intentions, like Peter, vehemently declaring he would never deny Jesus and he would even die with Him if that's what it came to. However, life happens.

Matthew 26:40_41  Then he returned to the three disciples and found them asleep; and he said to Peter, "How is it that you three were not able to keep watch with me for even one hour? Keep watch and pray that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." 

A few hours after saying he would die with Jesus, Peter couldn't even do something 10 times simpler like stay awake! Afterwards, he did end up denying Jesus because he was afraid of death. Peter wasn't a bad guy, just like our friends (or even us) aren't bad people, sometimes stuff just happens. The one thing we can always rely on though, is God.

Mizizi

Photo Credit: Mavuno Website

From the reading today, I was totally encouraged to participate in Church...not just in attendance. I love my church because of the people, the ushers smiling and saying hi, and the worship team being so fun and exciting and everyone else. So, it's just logical that I participate and give another person the same experience I get every Sunday. So, hopefully, I'll figure that out as time goes on.

Prayer and Pottery

Photo Credit: Mavuno Website

I think the biggest lesson I've learnt the last two weeks through Mizizi is how prayer isn't just a list of stuff that God has to answer, it's more of the relationship that He wants us to have with Him. Like in Mark 1, once word had spread that Jesus could heal people, he started preaching in the outskirts, so people would have to look for Him. Also, like Rick Warren says in The Purpose Driven Life, "God's goal for your life isn't comfort, but character development. He wants you to grow up spiritually and become like Christ"

Also, the story of Jeremiah watching the potter,


Jeremiah 18:1-6  The LORD said to me, "Go down to the potter's house, where I will give you my message." So I went there and saw the potter working at his wheel. Whenever a piece of pottery turned out imperfect, he would take the clay and make it into something else. Then the LORD said to me, "Don't I have the right to do with you people of Israel what the potter did with the clay? You are in my hands just like clay in the potter's hands. 

Photo Credit: Bill Longshaw

We have to constantly ask ourselves, am I living as the clay in God's hands, eager and willing for Him to change me and change my character, or do I constantly try to make God fit into my mold, shape Him in the way that I want Him to be. Rick Warren says again, "Never forget that life is not about you! You exist for God's purposes, not vice versa, God gives us our time on earth to build and strengthen our character for heaven.

Also, that in prayer, sometimes we focus so much on the result or the answer and not on God. For example, when my dad was sick, a pastor during a prayer day thing, told me that my dad would get better, and he didn't and for a long time I blamed this pastor, and was angry at her and at God, but last week the group helped me realize, that I had focussed so much on what the pastor had said, God had temporarily taken a back seat, I mean, I know that wasn't the reason he died, but that gap I created between me and God, definitely affected my reaction to it, and the subsequent events I did.

Hiatus

So, I kinda took an impromptu hiatus. I know, I've been doing that a lot recently, but for valid reasons:
Internet Poblems
Eye problems

Yup, I guess all those long hours spent in front of my trusty Mario (my laptop, yes, we've already established I'm the crazy lady who names her electronics lol) have finally caught up with me. My eyes have been giving me so much trouble the last few weeks, not in big ways just like dryness and straining like when I'm driving at night or under fluorescent lights, anyway long story short, I'm getting glasses this week. Still have to figure out the style, I still have to look good!

To catch up, we had our Mizizi Half Day of Prayer and Fasting. It was amazing, 3 hours praying, I mean, at first it's like, what am I going to say for 3 hours???? But, they gave us this little guide and time was over before I was even done talking, I'd definitely do it again.

So you remember that guy I saw and got an enormous crush on, well I saw him again that Saturday, long story short, still crushing big time. Oh, and he talked to me *gush* *gush*!!!!

Anyway, after that, we went to have pizzas and chicken and rice and sodas with my Mizizi class, I've not had that much fun in ages, I came to realize, life is what you put into it. Like, if you invest in this class and in friendships and in being the one to text people and not just wondering "why does no one ever talk to me?" life pays you back positively. I opened up to my class, I told them the embarrassing things I tell you guys over here, like about that guy I have a huge crush on, and I'm still laughing about it now.

Sunday was awesome too, albeit a little uncomfortable, but awesome, the sermon was challenging, but more on that later. My whole family came home, i.e. my brothers and sisters and the niece and nephew. Plus my grandmother's in town, she had a doctor's appointment and she slept over at our house. If you could maybe pray for her to get better, I'd really appreciate it.

And today, after driving my grandma to her fancy clinic, I went to the eye doctor, or rather I schlepped all the way to my not so fancy hospital, Kenyatta....hey, don't knock it, it's an 1/9th the price of that clinic which basically means, it's free!!!

That was however cancelled out when I spent money on a liter of yogurt and fries later today.

Then, I went back to my old school, for the first time since the infamous break-up, but it wasn't that bad, and I didn't feel like everyone was looking at me thinking, "I know how you were dumped last September" hahaha! Then dropped by to see my nephew, who's growing so fast, at 7 months he's already almost crawling...I'm sorry I'm not a mom, so I don't know if that's a big deal, but to me it is, because just yesterday, I was scared to touch him because he was so tiny, now he's so big and he can't sit still, and he walks by himself on those baby walker thingies. That boy is going to be a genius someday and I said it here first.

Anyway, I haven't posted Bible Readings for a while, but I'll be back soon, yes, I've been reading, but it's not the same without writing, so in that sense I feel like I've been missing out.

Here's me, hoping I see that guy again :-) not for any reason, I remember very well, I'm supposed to stay single for a while, but just to be friends, he looks like a fun guy. Honest!

The Official End

You all know about, "my first boyfriend". Things ended pretty badly with him and as much as I'm over it, it came to my attention during my Mizizi class and doing all this Church stuff that I was still carrying a lot of baggage from him. I've always known that in the back of my mind, but I was always like, Scarlett O'Hara in Gone With The Wind, saying "I won't think of that right now, I'll think about it tomorrow"

Well seeing as this is the month of love, I decided it would be as good a time as any, to get a fresh start in the love department, so yesterday, I woke up and wrote him an email. Basically airing things out and just trying to end things on a civilized note and once and for all. It was time to let go of that lingering thought, that we would get back together, you know. Let go of everything completely.

Well, this morning he texted me back, apologizing and hoping we could still be friends. It was a tiny gesture, but it does mean a lot. Not even the part where he apologized but the fact that I was able to let that go. It's still hard and it's still a process, but I'm feeling like I'm at the light end of that long tunnel.

So, even for you guys, it's a good thing closing some doors completely. The stuff that happened in your past, leave them in the past. Don't hold yourself back or weigh yourself down with unnecessary baggage of bitterness or anger or resentment. Trust me, it's a refreshing thing to let it go.

Daily Readings

Today I read:

Word Challenge

• Exodus 15:19-17:7
• Matthew 22:1-33
• Psalm 27:1-6
• Proverbs 6:20-26

Mizizi

Galatians 2:20 I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me. The life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

Being under new management means we have to submit to God's rule and that begins with surrender, but a lot of times, at least for me, I have a hard time putting some things in someone else's control. Like, I really want to be a great financial mind...I want to help people know the tips and tricks of growing their money. I want to help people market their products. I want to be, a CFO someday making some serious money. What if I hand over that dream to God, He'll take it and make me something I have no interest in doing?!

I also really want to be a wife and mom, I feel like I have all this love to share and I can't imagine letting that go or "surrendering" that to God, what if He calls me to be single for the rest of my life?!

Anyway that's where I'm at for today. I'm sure I'll get clarity soon.