I hit the jackpot of friends and family; in fact I figure the reason I’m not much of a relationship girl is because the world already gave me so many good friends, if I had any more, it would be unfair to the rest of the population.
OK, that’s a load of BS…
What I should say is I love my friends, adore them, they are the best. They are always there for me, they pick me up when I’m down and a few of them would do anything for me – most of the time. However, I’d be lying if I said there’s no down side to having people so invested in my life.
I haven’t exactly had the best track record in relationships, I know that. Believe me, I’ve lived through every hurtful, frustrating experience and as much as I may call my friends and family to console me or pick me up when I’m down and give them the details of what’s happened, they haven’t lived it. They aren’t me, their thought processes and they way they handle stuff isn’t me.
With my history, I get being protective over me, but it’s not the most fun process when every time I tell my family about a guy I’m seeing they’re like, “You know that’s not going anywhere right? Don’t kid yourself.” When they haven’t even met the guy! Or my friends saying, “Are you sure going out on a 1st date is a good idea?” and when I say “YOLO” or words to that effect, they’re like, “OK if you insist.” I mean what is that?!
Then what happens is I start over-thinking stuff and not enjoying the process because I’m more trying to prove a point to my family/friends that “Hey, I can force this relationship into working” rather than trying to have fun and live my own life, and voila, crash and burn, right out of the gate. I set this undue pressure on myself to have this epic relationship in the first 2 weeks because everybody’s pressuring me to get him to give me a label or I feel like I have to do this that or the other to play in the same field as everyone else in my circle who’s in a committed relationship. (The curse of being the only “single” girl in a group of friends and family!)
Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe I’ve given people too much freedom to speak into my life without really discerning them or knowing or trusting myself enough or having enough spine to know what I’m doing without their feedback. Maybe not calling or texting my friends about everything is part of growing up.
The point is I’m just 22 years old. Not everyone gets to go through the simple journey of falling in love with 1 guy and ending up together for the rest of your lives. My journey’s different. I’m not the 1stgirl who had to kiss a hundred frogs to find Prince Charming – DISNEY WROTE A FREAKING MOVIE ABOUT IT!!!!
Look, I don’t know what it’s going to look like when I fall in love for real. I wish I did but I don’t and neither does anybody else. Everyone has an idea of what the person I’ll end up with will look like, so do I…but none of us know for sure. So what do you want me to do in the mean time, lock myself in my room and never go out on dates or give out my phone number?
Listen, I love my friends and family to bits and I appreciate everything they’ve done for me, but step back a little bit. Don’t feel sorry for me. Don’t tell me I’m doing this wrong or that wrong or that I’m doing something like some pathetic friend of yours who I don’t even know (because hey, you might say it indirectly but it still hurts so stop comparing me to your weird friends!!!). Don’t tell me “You’re so boy crazy, I’ve only had 2 boyfriends and I married the 2ndone.” That reeeally helps me!!!
If you’re one of my many guy friends, don’t tell me “I’m sorry you’ve been meeting guys who are jerks and I hope you find love soon.” then 5 minutes later do the same thing that you’ve just listened to me complaining about. Hello, maybe it’s not that I’m the unlucky girl who’s been meeting guys who are jerks, judging from your behavior; maybe it’s that most guys ARE jerks.
If you’re my ex, don’t tell me how great of a girl I am and that I’m a gift from heaven and how some guy will be lucky to have me.
If you’re in a relationship, don’t tell me all these things about what you did right and what I’m doing wrong because the fact of the matter it was just luck, there’s no science behind it and no relationship is as perfect as you make it out to be. 9 times out of 10 I deliberately choose to walk away from a wrong situation because I'd rather be lonely alone than lonely, confused, angry and frustrated by the wrong guy! (Yes, as you keep reminding me I was dumped that one time and it sucked, but I learnt from it and moved on!)
So tonight I’m saying enough is enough. I’m tired of all the well meaning but cruel advice. I’m tired of being fed by people and not allowing myself to listen to my own voice. I’m tired of the same old patterns. I’m tired of being made to feel bad about myself because I’m 22 years old and I’m not married. I AM TWENTY TWO! I’m tired of dreading my birthday because I live in fear that 30 will get here and I really truly do end up an old maid. I’m tired of re-thinking and re-living the past and going through old game tapes to see what I could have done better or plan my strategy for next time. I’m tired of people who keep reminding me of my past mistakes. Mostly, I’m tired of living in fear.
I was single for an entire year of my life. I’m at a place where I know myself and what I want pretty well. I WILL STILL MAKE MISTAKES because I’m a girl and I believe in love and romance and I’m in love with being in love and I give people chances when I shouldn’t, but that doesn’t make me a failure. With all the crap I’ve gone through, closing my heart off and becoming filled with bitterness and resentment, that’s what will make me a failure! The fact that I can still hope and love is a miracle.
Last January (2012) I asked God once again to mend my broken heart, because I’d been through so much all I could see were shattered pieces, and He showed me my heart put back together, at first with ugly cracks in between and still looking shattered, but He worked on it until it was perfectly formed and beautiful. That’s what He’s been doing in me for the past year.
So don’t worry about me dating 1 guy or 100 till I find my “one” because all I can do is love. That’s what I was created to do. To love and hopefully find the person who’ll love me back the way I deserve. I choose not to be broken because I loved and wasn’t loved back in return. Do Heaven’s resources run out just because I “wasted” love on somebody who ended up breaking my heart? I’ll shed a few tears and that’s normal, but I won’t break. He already put me back together nothing can tear me apart again.
Again, I love my friends and family, but I think from this year, I’m taking things slow and keeping things between me and God for a while.
xx
Jo
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