There are some days when I'm so passionately crazy in love with Jesus. I think about the hope, the glory, hanging out with Him in heaven, the fact that an all-powerful God has my back now. My heart just races and fills up with adoration, and I have to be careful at those times to keep my mind on God, so that if a random thought like "cheeseburgers" comes to my head, my heart doesn't follow and misdirect the love and adoration to "cheeseburgers"
(And, no, I don't normally get random thoughts on cheeseburgers, although now that I think about it, I think its been almost a year since my last cheeseburger!)
These are the days I can be watching TV and God says to me "Come and sing this song for me" and I'd turn off the TV, turn on my music and sing and it's awesome. These are the days when the power's out and instead of complaining, I end up writing 7 new songs. My FIRE days.
Then there are days like yesterday when I'm just like "meh!" I know God loves me, I know I'm a Christian, but I really don't feel like doing much of anything. These days usually follow an event where I feel God say to me something, like, "Don't miss that class!" and I miss it anyway. He leads me and I go off in another way. These are the days when my flesh takes over, and these days SUCK. Yet I still do go off on my own way!
Then there are the days that follow the "meh!" days, when I wake up empty and down, fighting off my old frienemy depression with everything I've got. I find issues in the things that shouldn't be issues. I find reasons to get down on myself, "my hair looks horrible", "my dreams aren't coming true", "I'm still in trouble with school", "did I really pledge I'm going to stay single the entire year?"
That pledge is the one that gives me the most trouble; especially because chances are its not even going to be a year. I wont deny that pledge has probably been the best thing to happen to me for the last 3 years. This break from the rat race has given me a lot of clarity and closeness with God, which is what it was intended for. However, with the clarity came the call to purpose, with the whole wanting to join Ministry. The call came with the probability of the pledge going even longer than a year, because after I'm done with college, I want to go to Ministry School/Internship and in most internships I've been reading on, they don't allow dating, for good reason.
During these days, I wonder if everything really is going to work out. How do I jump into this thing, trust in God, if I can't even go to class when He tells me to go to class. Sometimes I feel like temptation is always at my door, watching and waiting. Old habits, ex-boyfriends, keggers, raves, my past mocking me...
How do I peg my whole life on God, when I cant trust myself?
Be sure to check out part 2 tomorrow.
(And, no, I don't normally get random thoughts on cheeseburgers, although now that I think about it, I think its been almost a year since my last cheeseburger!)
These are the days I can be watching TV and God says to me "Come and sing this song for me" and I'd turn off the TV, turn on my music and sing and it's awesome. These are the days when the power's out and instead of complaining, I end up writing 7 new songs. My FIRE days.
Then there are days like yesterday when I'm just like "meh!" I know God loves me, I know I'm a Christian, but I really don't feel like doing much of anything. These days usually follow an event where I feel God say to me something, like, "Don't miss that class!" and I miss it anyway. He leads me and I go off in another way. These are the days when my flesh takes over, and these days SUCK. Yet I still do go off on my own way!
Then there are the days that follow the "meh!" days, when I wake up empty and down, fighting off my old frienemy depression with everything I've got. I find issues in the things that shouldn't be issues. I find reasons to get down on myself, "my hair looks horrible", "my dreams aren't coming true", "I'm still in trouble with school", "did I really pledge I'm going to stay single the entire year?"
That pledge is the one that gives me the most trouble; especially because chances are its not even going to be a year. I wont deny that pledge has probably been the best thing to happen to me for the last 3 years. This break from the rat race has given me a lot of clarity and closeness with God, which is what it was intended for. However, with the clarity came the call to purpose, with the whole wanting to join Ministry. The call came with the probability of the pledge going even longer than a year, because after I'm done with college, I want to go to Ministry School/Internship and in most internships I've been reading on, they don't allow dating, for good reason.
During these days, I wonder if everything really is going to work out. How do I jump into this thing, trust in God, if I can't even go to class when He tells me to go to class. Sometimes I feel like temptation is always at my door, watching and waiting. Old habits, ex-boyfriends, keggers, raves, my past mocking me...
How do I peg my whole life on God, when I cant trust myself?
Be sure to check out part 2 tomorrow.
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