Writing Experiment

I've been reading a couple of new blogs that have completely changed my mindset on writing. I write mostly to summarize the activities of the day and so do these guys but I guess they come at it from a different place, more of descriptive rather than narrative language, such that you feel like you were going through the emotions and the course of the day with them. I'm loving it. So, I thought I'd try it out. I wrote this a while ago after going through a particularly bad day, what better way to start this experiment right?

Here goes;

Driving down the same dead-end route hoping to get to a different destination is an obvious exercise in futility and sadly, over the years, it’s become the foundation of my identity.

The spacious way and the wide gate is where I find myself walking, each time thinking I learnt my lesson, I’m stronger now and I’m ready for whatever comes. Boldly telling the enemy, “You want a piece of this, come and get it.” He does and he wins the battle. 

In the midst of the fight, I think of Him. Him who owns every piece of me, Him whose face I turn away from, Him whose open arms I ignore. I hide my face in shame; I dig deep into the darkness to find cover from the light that always breaks through. I can’t stand the brightness that hurts my eyes every time as they struggle to adjust. If only I’d stayed in the light in the first place, then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much. 

Finally, I dig deep enough and the darkness swallows me. I desperately need the light, I long for it, I crave it, but I can’t move. Not again. I can’t keep doing this. I don’t deserve freedom. I don’t deserve warmth. I definitely don’t deserve those hands always reaching out to me.

The choice has to be made. The door has to be closed. The foothold has to be sawed out. He’ll wash my dusty feet, but isn’t it time to get some shoes? I can come out guns a-blazing as much as I want, but I have to understand when it’s time to retreat. When it’s time to wave the white flag, turn around, get back on the ship and sail away. To realize that the war has already been won and my battles are self-sought, self-propagated and self-lost.

Maybe the crux of the matter is that I look for life everywhere else but from Him who gives it in abundance.

Maybe I haven’t fully believed that the narrow path does lead to life. Maybe it’s time I did. Maybe it’s time I realized no one compares to Him. That He’s the only one who can satisfy me. That my plan is nothing compared to His. That He really truly has me and I can’t close my eyes and pretend He doesn’t and that my actions don’t break His heart.

So I say with the same boldness I had before,

“I quit, you can have this, I don’t want it anymore.

If you want a fight you’ll have to wrestle on your own

Because this isn’t my battle,

My war’s already been won.”

xx

Jo

The Grand Scheme

Today I made the final step in a process that's been long overdue. This is my last official year at home, my last official semester of school. When we were kids we used to say, "when I grow up I want to be..." and I'm there. Ha, I'm actually a grown up! This is the year where I get to be whatever I dreamt I would be and do all the things I dreamt I would do.

When I say dream, I mean literally, what happens in the middle of the night, because I've had this particular recurring dream on and off for a long time, especially last year, and also dream in the sense of deep desire or sense of hope. 

So, over the course of the last few months, I've been trying to get one of those dreams off the ground. Yesterday I was at the bank figuring some things out and finally today was the last step in that whole process, actually if you think about it, it's the 1st of many steps. I was at the post office trying to figure out how to mail an important letter and I was so freaked out wondering if it was going to make it safely or not and looking for the right post box, since there were 4 different boxes, pone for Nairobi, one for Coast, one for Air Mail and the other for Upcountry. I finally dropped it in and it made a loud sound and I'm freaking out thinking, "why would the box be empty??", and later realized, "Well, its a good thing it's empty that means the mail goes out everyday, right?"

Anyway, after I left the post office, I started thinking, in the grand scheme of things, this is the least of things I should be worried out. Like I said, mailing that letter was the 1st of many steps. There are a million other things to consider and to pray about and this is nothing. The letter will arrive safely! (In Jesus name, Amen and Amen!)

via

I'm re-reading Bill Johnson's book, Center of The Universe and he says,

"...why would God bypass my important list, filled with Spiritual priorities, and answer a desire that has nothing to do with anything that is obviously holy? The only answer I can come up with--because He wanted to. 
Our Heavenly Father is perfect in every way. There is no waste in Heaven's government. And in His perfect wisdom, He knew that it was more important for me to learn about His character as the Father than it was for me to have my "priority prayers" fulfilled...How refreshing it is to see that He cares about things that score very low on the Eternity Rating Chart just because He Loves Me."

He goes on to give the story of King Cyrus out of Isaiah 45:3 where God promises to do a whole lot of things for Cyrus that may not appear "spiritual" but just to show Cyrus beyond a shadow of a doubt that God had called Him and its God who put Him there.

Bill says,

"...God sometimes takes care of things that are not important just to remind us that He knows every desire and need we have. And as our Father, His reach is so far that it touches those things that have nothing to do with eternity. It seems to me that God simply wants to build our confidence in who He is and what He is like."

I'm trying really hard to work on my prayer life. It's like in my head, I know I should pray and I think about praying, but I just don't really get around to doing it. I feel like God is so into my life and I should do everything I can to lean into Him. So here's my strategy, it's a little weak, so don't get your hopes up. When it's time to pray, I sit/kneel or whatever and just be quiet. My problem is,

1. I hate quiet. I always have music playing or the TV on.
2. I just don;t know what to say!

So, I figure, if I get into the habit of setting time aside, sooner or later the words are going to come. Hopefully.

As always, I'll let ya know.

xx
Jo

The Grand Scheme

Today I made the final step in a process that's been long overdue. This is my last official year at home, my last official semester of school. When we were kids we used to say, "when I grow up I want to be..." and I'm there. Ha, I'm actually a grown up! This is the year where I get to be whatever I dreamt I would be and do all the things I dreamt I would do.

So, over the course of the last few months, I've been trying to get one of those dreams off the ground. Yesterday I was at the bank figuring some things out and finally today was the last step in that whole process, actually if you think about it, it's the 1st of many steps. I was at the post office trying to figure out how to mail an important letter and I was so freaked out wondering if it was going to make it safely or not and looking for the right post box, since there were 4 different boxes, pone for Nairobi, one for Coast, one for Air Mail and the other for Upcountry. I finally dropped it in and it made a loud sound and I'm freaking out thinking, "why would the box be empty??", and later realized, "Well, its a good thing it's empty that means the mail goes out everyday, right?"

Anyway, after I left the post office, I started thinking, in the grand scheme of things, this is the least of things I should be worried out. Like I said, mailing that letter was the 1st of many steps. There are a million other things to consider and to pray about and this is nothing. The letter will arrive safely! (In Jesus name, Amen and Amen!)

via

I'm re-reading Bill Johnson's book, Center of The Universe and he says,

"...why would God bypass my important list, filled with Spiritual priorities, and answer a desire that has nothing to do with anything that is obviously holy? The only answer I can come up with--because He wanted to. 
Our Heavenly Father is perfect in every way. There is no waste in Heaven's government. And in His perfect wisdom, He knew that it was more important for me to learn about His character as the Father than it was for me to have my "priority prayers" fulfilled...How refreshing it is to see that He cares about things that score very low on the Eternity Rating Chart just because He Loves Me."

He goes on to give the story of King Cyrus out of Isaiah 45:3 where God promises to do a whole lot of things for Cyrus that may not appear "spiritual" but just to show Cyrus beyond a shadow of a doubt that God had called Him and its God who put Him there.

Bill says,

"...God sometimes takes care of things that are not important just to remind us that He knows every desire and need we have. And as our Father, His reach is so far that it touches those things that have nothing to do with eternity. It seems to me that God simply wants to build our confidence in who He is and what He is like."

I'm trying really hard to work on my prayer life. It's like in my head, I know I should pray and I think about praying, but I just don't really get around to doing it. I feel like God is so into my life and I should do everything I can to lean into Him. So here's my strategy, it's a little weak, so don't get your hopes up. When it's time to pray, I sit/kneel or whatever and just be quiet. My problem is,

1. I hate quiet. I always have music playing or the TV on.
2. I just don;t know what to say!

So, I figure, if I get into the habit of setting time aside, sooner or later the words are going to come. Hopefully.

As always, I'll let ya know.

xx
Jo

Joy In Spite of Myself

I feel like I need to talk about two things today. First of all, I’ve learnt from experience today, that God will use you not because of who you are but in spite of it. One way or another, He’s gonna do what He intended to do for the good of his children on the earth. 

To be honest, I’m about as imperfect as they come. In my own life, I make mistakes every day. Even as a blogger I don’t set out to promote my blog or get more readers or any of that, I just write for me and hopefully at least 10 people who read from Russia JYet, God uses the words I write on this blog to remind me months later of a lesson I learnt or a way that He’s shown me grace. He uses me in spite of my imperfections, mistakes, failures and all.

Not just me but people around me. A stranger can do or say something that moves me in the right direction; say something that resonates with where I am in my life and what I need to hear. Those strangers might not end up being life-long friends; maybe God intended them for that one moment and one conversation. Relationships may not always end in the way you’d want them to, I know for me, I rarely ever go into a relationship thinking that it’s going to end, but truth is sometimes or for me every time so far, they do end. I can’t realistically spend every couple of months sad and depressed thinking woe is me, the world is against me. I need to realize that sometimes, I may take detours of m own will and end up in a mess, but God uses them each time as a way of getting me back on track.

Bill Johnson says we owe the world an encounter with God. We may not always be aware of it, we might not always give the best impression, but thankfully, God can use us despite our mistakes and imperfections or current state of being. The trick for maximum impact is to realize this and align ourselves in the direction that He’s moving instead of against it.

I also need to speak about joy. Last year was the best year of my life. He alignment I was talking about happened in so many areas of my life. I obviously messed up at some points but for the most part, 2012 was the year that I can say I finally got a glimpse of who God is and realized that n matter what I do, His love for me is passionate and strong and He has plans for me and my life.

He created me the way I am for a reason. The fact that I can still believe in love and still believe that life can be joyous after everything I’ve been through is a gift. I so easily could be like millions of people who are bitter and depressed, wait, I was one of those people, but look at me now. It’s nothing short of grace. Beni Johnson wrote that when we meet circumstances with joy instead of tears, think of the confusion that fills the enemy camp.

The past 2 weeks have been tough on me. Things that I hoped would happen didn’t happen and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hurt and disappointed and maybe lingering in bed a little longer so that I don’t have to wake up and face the day. I’m focusing on joy and peace. This isn’t to say I don’t get moments of panic/anxiety/sadness/balancing tears/negativity, because I do. The next few days will need me buried a little deeper into my family and into blogging and into God because that’s what I need right now to get through it. One thing I’m holding onto is that the past 2 months haven’t been a total waste and somehow good will come out of this whole thing.

It’s Okay

I jokingly told my mom how January feels like Monday morning when the alarm rings and you can’t imagine it being the weekend again. I was a little worried with all the demands that would come with this month, figuring out the whole year. Can someone maybe write a self-help book on that?

I’ve spent the last week at my sister’s house babysitting my 2 y/o nephew since my sister was in the hospital delivering my new niece. So the whole week has been changing poopy diapers, running to the potty barely in time to avoid any “wee-wee” incidents, singing the Jake and the Neverland pirates and Spongebob theme songs, trying to make cleaning look fun so the kid would join me when I had to get stuff in order-dishes, floors, tickle fights, cuddles, dancing on the floor and so on and so on. Motherhood is tough; you have to be on 24/7. Everybody dreams of being able to be a stay-at-home mom, but after this week…ummm…:-/

Today’s Saturday and my sister just got back from the hospital, and I’m in the bedroom in a crying mess and blogging. Man, I’m just so emotional. I don’t know if it’s the new baby finally getting home and it hitting me that my nephew isn’t the baby anymore or just relieved that these months have ended so successfully, or what.

Then there’s just all this other stuff going on where, I wanna be the best at everything I do. I want to be the best daughter and save my mom money by finding cheap deals for my tuition/fees. I want to be the best sister and the best aunt to my nephew. I want to be the best girlfriend (whenever God decides to bless this single girl with a good boyfriend), I want to be the best worship leader, I want to be the best friend, I want to be the best Christian, and I want to be the best girl. WTH?! Who can live up to all of that? Yet, when I fail at one of them, I get stressed and emotionally charged.

You know how Oprah and these self-help gurus keep saying, “center yourself”, “find your own space and focus on your mantra”, or, “take time off and recharge” or other such rhetoric, I NEED TO KEEP REMINDING MYSELF OF THE SAME THING! 

Hopefully yelling at myself like this will work?

Xx

Jo

Happy New Year!

Last years’ theme for my blog was Awake and Alive. That’s actually a Skillet song that I thought would be catchy and cute, it turned out to be exactly what the year turned into. 

January: Enjoyed all the benefits of being single and not searching for the first time in a long time. Transferred to City Campus.

February: Discovered the Jesus Culture Band and a new love for worship.

March: Experienced God’s love in a tangible way for the 1^sttime

April: Heard about Worship auditions

May: Turned 22 and realized my life needs to take a different direction.

June: Auditioned and joined worship team

July: Passed my CPA exams

August: Finished probation and became an official member of WT. Made a couple of mistakes that were quickly rectified.

September: Decided to dream big and reawaken myself to the possibilities I believed in in High School

October: Discovered Mark Driscoll and learnt a lot

November: On stage for the 1^st time

December: No matter how much I run and hide, He tracks me down.  Also, started sending in my applications. Also finally closed a door that I’ve left open far too long.

These are the general themes that ran through each month, but what I can’t put into words is the small moments that marked every single day this year. I can honestly say, this has been the best year of my life. The friends I’ve made, the places I’ve gone, the experiences I’ve had, the mistakes I’ve made, the conversations I’ve had, the love I’ve felt and the ability to enjoy and appreciate every moment. 

My favorite song of the year has to be Bethel Worship’s “This is What You Do”. The chorus goes like. “This is what you do, you make me come alive” and this is definitely how I’ve felt this year.

A new year brings new things and a new theme that I hope at the end of the year will accurately describe how the year has gone.

I’ll explain the meaning tomorrow.

For now, have a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

xx

Jo

Self-Awareness

I was talking to a friend of mine about how important it is to get to a point where you’re settled and find fullness in yourself. Not in a job or in a relationship or in all these other external stuff. I’ve definitely been feeling that this year, as you all well know.

I have to admit I have lost my footing for a while, I won’t lie, serving in Church last month was HARD! I was at Church practically every night and if not at Church then doing a Church related activity, reports or reading for Mizizi, vocal class, rehearsals, Mizizi classes and on top of that studying for campus exams, it was just a lot! I wasn’t really doing it from a place of overflow because well, I wasn’t getting filled up.

I miss Bill Johnson and Kris Vallotton and Jeremy Riddle and Jenn Johnson…i.e. my Bethel Church podcasts, I haven’t had time to watch my favorite people.

December hasn’t been any better because family has been intense, my sister’s due date is fast approaching so I’m trying to pitch in where I can and help her and keep my nephew occupied so she can relax and have some fun before life completely changes again. My nephew though is a stubborn one and when he screams "I want mommy", no amount of distraction from me will work :-)

I read my Bible maybe twice a week at best…so my identity has definitely been shaken. The past two weeks I’ve just been thinking, “Who am I?” and then it hit me, wait, haven’t I already answered these questions before? I know exactly who I am, I know exactly what I want to do, I know where I’m meant to be and that is simply with God. Obviously there’s specifics: career, where to live, who to be friends with, but point is all that comes from me knowing who I am in God. 

I keep saying I don’t have this whole God thing figured out. I don’t know how that will happen, the day when I’m always “on” or connected. But honestly, this week, I felt pursued. After ignoring God for weeks, I get a text from a new blog reader ;-)and it reminded me of this whole thing, who I am and why I do what I do. A couple minutes later, I stumble upon Bethan's blog about life at BSSM. Then a song comes on and wah, never-failing thick presence, I felt a rush of love, and I know I TOTALLY don’t deserve to be loved or pursued by someone I’ve treated so badly, but that’s just what He does.

So, me and God, I am so in this, there’s no getting out. I’ll have to figure out how I’ll make time and how I’ll maintain that because life hasn’t stopped being busy, in fact it’s about to get busier in 2013, but I need to figure it out.

The wedding I went to also had a sort of reverse impact on me. I’ve said before how when I was in High School I knew without any doubt that I would be married at 22! I turned 21 and said, ok, maybe by 24, but now, I’m like, that’s probably not what’s going to happen with my life. 

Marriage and relationships aren’t the be all, end all of life. I have tons of dreams and stuff I would love to experience in my own life and I can’t keep molding innocent people I date into what I want same way I can’t keep changing myself to fit into the personality of whoever I’m dating. 

So right now, I’m like whatever happens will happen, I’m not actively pursuing anything specific. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely want love, but I’m not going through any stress or sadness or drama to get it. I think when 2 people want to be together, 1 party doesn’t have to do the heavy lifting, it just happens. In this phase of my life I’m Zen.

Yes, also the fact that the bride and groom hadn’t slept together despite dating 6 years rocked me...a whole blog post needs to be done about this statement alone, hehehe.

My family and friends have been absolutely essential to me this year, from Joe telling me how I’m an awesome friend or Michelle telling me I’m a full package all on my own and also showing me some crazy tough love, or my sister and Abby telling me to enjoy every moment of life now but keep things in perspective, or Ted who's constantly teaching me the value of patience and understanding, honestly I have the best BFF’s. I know self-awareness is all about me knowing me, but they deserve recognition too.

Anyway, more to come on this.

xx

Jo