He Shall Find Me On My Way

When I was in College - pause - did I really just use that statement? Where did the time go?? Anyway, when I was in College, I was a major procrastinator. I hated studying for exams and somehow, unconsciously, I would always surround myself with drama the weeks approaching exam time. I realized close to the end of my college career that finals week would be the days I would be going through a breakup or fights with friends. I guess, I needed the drama to distract me from the pressure of studying or to create enough tension to keep me focused. So very unhealthy, but it was a pattern I could count on - and when I recognized it, I used it to my advantage and got straight A's literally on every exam the week of my break-up.

I just realized, since there aren't any breakups or friends to fight with in my life right now, I might still unconsciously be creating drama to distract me from the pressure of life and whatever this season I'm in is. The thing is, as you know by now, for the past few weeks, I've been stuck in this rut. All of a sudden tonight, my attitude has for the most part, been transformed. I don't know if it's the events of the past couple of days or just, to be blunt, mood swings. Whatever it is, tonight I feel charged.

I'm still hungry for more. I still have questions. I still can't stay where I've been. I still want to go deeper. I still am not convinced I've seen enough of God in my personal life to prove His realness in the vast sense that the Bible declares. But, despite all this, tonight I'm charged with the realization that life is too short to sit here with my questions doing nothing but waiting for answers. I'm still waiting for Him to answer me, but He will find me on the way. I need to charge forward with the work He has given me. If this season is a  season of growth & building, I need to roll my sleeves up, grow & build. When He does come and answer me, He will find me walking on this journey, 10 steps ahead of where I should be. Waging & warring, not curled up in a tight ball of hopelessness and trepidation.

I have such a good example to use, which is probably not the best to put on here; I will say this, sometimes you need to be an Olivia shouting at and calling out the powerful Cyrus in you when he's decided to cower away and retreat. If you catch the reference, great, if not, don't worry about it. The point is, get over yourself and work! Work yourself back into your rightful place of victory.

There's so much I want to do and need to do and know I'm made to do. In the truest version of me, circumstances, visa/immigration situations, uncertainties, hormones, moods, emotions set aside, His passion is burning inside of me, there is literally no time to waste. Jeremiah 20:9 (AMP) "If I say, I will not make mention of [the Lord] or speak any more in His name, in my mind and heart it is as if there were a burning fire shut up in my bones. And I am weary of enduring and holding it in; I cannot [contain it any longer]."

In the truest version of me, the only time I feel fully alive is when this passion for Him is ignited. It puts things in perspective. My life is in your hands Lord, what would you have me do?

Bethel Church: The Real Deal

"Steady Heart" from The Undoing by Steffany Frizzell-Gretzinger

I've been at Bethel over a year now...feels so good to say that! Bill always says, "people come here searching for revival but they stay for the culture." I was back home during the summer and when people asked me about my experience, I was very clear in the fact that this was not heaven! I still went through some very real experiences and encountered some very real people. Not every situation or person was sunshine and roses. That led to the question, "So why would you want to go back?"



Honestly, let me just speak from the heart. First of all, coming here, I did not plan this at all, finding God and family in California has been the word in the deepest part of my heart since I first became a Christian 14 years ago, so being here, it feels to me, it's honestly just like I stepped into a wave God had already created 14 years ago.

Second, the way these leaders love and honor each other. They aren't all besties, but the way they talk about each other makes them seem like they are. There's such a high value for excellence and you can see it through Bethel Music for example and how everything they release is top notch. Even their offices, everything from the logo to the wallpaper to the desk lamps screams excellence and intentionality. Like I said, I've been here over a year, I promise you, there is genuinely no competition among the leaders, everyone is fully free to be who they are and they fully celebrate each other and never compete. Look at this video! Steffany is fully herself and Amanda is fully herself. Nobody has to shrink to maximize the other, nobody has to pretend to be bigger than the other. Everybody has their imperfections, but everybody is quick to clean up their mess - if not, it may just mean, you have to work on your own self -

It translates to students and visitors when you see how once a week 2000 students go out volunteer to help in schools, clinics, elderly people homes, cleaning up parks and weeding in the bush, all with no other agenda but to intentionally show love to the city that has opened up it's arms to us. Forget the organized volunteer spots, the sheer number of people who have no money and no time, give generously to needy people in stores and give an encouraging conversation to a homeless man on the street.

Honestly, I feel like the luckiest person in the world to get to experience this. From the bottom of my heart, Thank You Jesus!

If you want more information, I'd highly encourage you to get Danny Silk's book Culture of Honor which a lot of leaders have found useful in getting an idea of the vision.

Jesus is 5-Fold Ministry

We went on Retreat last week and I know I didn't write about that. I just had a lot going on and, this blog is more of an overflow spot, Retreat was mostly just for me, to fill me up for me.

Anyway, from the "overflow", I thought to write this post. Chris Cruz spoke our first night there, we were in Chico, CA at the YWAM Base out there. He said something that stuck with me. He said, sometimes we listen to his stories or people known for their evangelistic passions, like Chris Overstreet or Ben Fitzgerald and we're like, "Oh great testimony, that's just them, that's who they are" We don't think about it, but what we're doing is we're subconsciously excusing our own fears or ineffectiveness by saying, it's just not our "gift".

Jesus was both evangelist and pastor. He could command the attention of thousands and turn around and minister deeply to the heart of one. He was both healer and apostle. He healed everyone He met and He knew His identity and a Son and God as Father. He was a prophet and He revealed the mysteries and secrets of God to man and spoke of what was to come.

I'm not the boldest person in the room. When I'm sitting in a theater watching Son of God next to Ben Fitzgerald and the Spirit of God is in the room, and God tells me, "Hey, Joanne, I'd like you to get up and speak about me." Everything in me will revert to, "God, not me, Ben's the evangelist." Or to bring it closer home, if I'm on the ministry team and a 1st year comes to me for prayer and God tells me what's going on, but there's a 3rd year next to me and I revert to him because my insecurity says he can pray better. Or if I'm encouraging someone and Kris Vallotton or Ben Armstrong or Dave Ward or anyone comes up behind me and I'm scared to say what God put on my heart to say a minute earlier. There's a place for honoring the point - the leader, but I can't allow myself to confuse honor with insecurity because right then I've shown God the value I have for the one line He put in my heart.

Honestly, I've been hurt in the past so I get so offended by evangelist types who are more concerned by the numbers than connecting to the heart of the one; because that's who I am, I'm more "pastoral" by nature. I just realized, evangelists have as much right to be offended by me for not standing in the boldness of the Lion living inside of me and telling the world who He is.

I always hesitate to put the epistles on the chopping block, but Jesus didn't actually make these distinctions, at least, not modeled by His own life. He was all things because He was one thing, a Son, a reflection of God. We are invited to be sons and daughters, reflections of God. I feel like our pastors are doing a great job of modeling that, or maybe God's just doing something new this season, but getting to see the pastoral side of Chris, Kris and Ben F is leading me to ask myself, where's my wild side?

I'm not there yet, so I'm preaching to myself. I can't hide behind the pulpit or whatever the mantle of my ministry looks like and act like everything else is up to everybody else. I need to hear God, it needs to be real. I need to let Him speak to me as Himself not change it to what suits me or looks best like me. Until I get that, I'm not there yet.

What does that look like? It looks like risk and not knowing what to do in the moment apart from listening to Him.