We went on Retreat last week and I know I didn't write about that. I just had a lot going on and, this blog is more of an overflow spot, Retreat was mostly just for me, to fill me up for me.
Anyway, from the "overflow", I thought to write this post. Chris Cruz spoke our first night there, we were in Chico, CA at the YWAM Base out there. He said something that stuck with me. He said, sometimes we listen to his stories or people known for their evangelistic passions, like Chris Overstreet or Ben Fitzgerald and we're like, "Oh great testimony, that's just them, that's who they are" We don't think about it, but what we're doing is we're subconsciously excusing our own fears or ineffectiveness by saying, it's just not our "gift".
Jesus was both evangelist and pastor. He could command the attention of thousands and turn around and minister deeply to the heart of one. He was both healer and apostle. He healed everyone He met and He knew His identity and a Son and God as Father. He was a prophet and He revealed the mysteries and secrets of God to man and spoke of what was to come.
I'm not the boldest person in the room. When I'm sitting in a theater watching Son of God next to Ben Fitzgerald and the Spirit of God is in the room, and God tells me, "Hey, Joanne, I'd like you to get up and speak about me." Everything in me will revert to, "God, not me, Ben's the evangelist." Or to bring it closer home, if I'm on the ministry team and a 1st year comes to me for prayer and God tells me what's going on, but there's a 3rd year next to me and I revert to him because my insecurity says he can pray better. Or if I'm encouraging someone and Kris Vallotton or Ben Armstrong or Dave Ward or anyone comes up behind me and I'm scared to say what God put on my heart to say a minute earlier. There's a place for honoring the point - the leader, but I can't allow myself to confuse honor with insecurity because right then I've shown God the value I have for the one line He put in my heart.
Honestly, I've been hurt in the past so I get so offended by evangelist types who are more concerned by the numbers than connecting to the heart of the one; because that's who I am, I'm more "pastoral" by nature. I just realized, evangelists have as much right to be offended by me for not standing in the boldness of the Lion living inside of me and telling the world who He is.
I always hesitate to put the epistles on the chopping block, but Jesus didn't actually make these distinctions, at least, not modeled by His own life. He was all things because He was one thing, a Son, a reflection of God. We are invited to be sons and daughters, reflections of God. I feel like our pastors are doing a great job of modeling that, or maybe God's just doing something new this season, but getting to see the pastoral side of Chris, Kris and Ben F is leading me to ask myself, where's my wild side?
I'm not there yet, so I'm preaching to myself. I can't hide behind the pulpit or whatever the mantle of my ministry looks like and act like everything else is up to everybody else. I need to hear God, it needs to be real. I need to let Him speak to me as Himself not change it to what suits me or looks best like me. Until I get that, I'm not there yet.
What does that look like? It looks like risk and not knowing what to do in the moment apart from listening to Him.
Anyway, from the "overflow", I thought to write this post. Chris Cruz spoke our first night there, we were in Chico, CA at the YWAM Base out there. He said something that stuck with me. He said, sometimes we listen to his stories or people known for their evangelistic passions, like Chris Overstreet or Ben Fitzgerald and we're like, "Oh great testimony, that's just them, that's who they are" We don't think about it, but what we're doing is we're subconsciously excusing our own fears or ineffectiveness by saying, it's just not our "gift".
Jesus was both evangelist and pastor. He could command the attention of thousands and turn around and minister deeply to the heart of one. He was both healer and apostle. He healed everyone He met and He knew His identity and a Son and God as Father. He was a prophet and He revealed the mysteries and secrets of God to man and spoke of what was to come.
I'm not the boldest person in the room. When I'm sitting in a theater watching Son of God next to Ben Fitzgerald and the Spirit of God is in the room, and God tells me, "Hey, Joanne, I'd like you to get up and speak about me." Everything in me will revert to, "God, not me, Ben's the evangelist." Or to bring it closer home, if I'm on the ministry team and a 1st year comes to me for prayer and God tells me what's going on, but there's a 3rd year next to me and I revert to him because my insecurity says he can pray better. Or if I'm encouraging someone and Kris Vallotton or Ben Armstrong or Dave Ward or anyone comes up behind me and I'm scared to say what God put on my heart to say a minute earlier. There's a place for honoring the point - the leader, but I can't allow myself to confuse honor with insecurity because right then I've shown God the value I have for the one line He put in my heart.
Honestly, I've been hurt in the past so I get so offended by evangelist types who are more concerned by the numbers than connecting to the heart of the one; because that's who I am, I'm more "pastoral" by nature. I just realized, evangelists have as much right to be offended by me for not standing in the boldness of the Lion living inside of me and telling the world who He is.
I always hesitate to put the epistles on the chopping block, but Jesus didn't actually make these distinctions, at least, not modeled by His own life. He was all things because He was one thing, a Son, a reflection of God. We are invited to be sons and daughters, reflections of God. I feel like our pastors are doing a great job of modeling that, or maybe God's just doing something new this season, but getting to see the pastoral side of Chris, Kris and Ben F is leading me to ask myself, where's my wild side?
I'm not there yet, so I'm preaching to myself. I can't hide behind the pulpit or whatever the mantle of my ministry looks like and act like everything else is up to everybody else. I need to hear God, it needs to be real. I need to let Him speak to me as Himself not change it to what suits me or looks best like me. Until I get that, I'm not there yet.
What does that look like? It looks like risk and not knowing what to do in the moment apart from listening to Him.
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