November 2014 Insta-Recap

Free morning? I would highly recommend heading to thestirring.org and listening to a podcast from this series #wisdom #wordgirl #thestirring #kingsofisrael #podcasts

the sun comes up it's a new day dawning, it's time to sing Your song again, whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes #blesstheLordohmysoul #10000reasons #sunrise #mountains #Redding #beauty #peace #revived

Filling my room with Presence streaming #LeadersAdvance2014 worship led by Brian & Jenn Johnson and Melissa & Jonathan Helser #powercouples #powerFULLL #worship #BethelMusic

said aloud to some of the people I work with today, "Aww, I want one of those sweatshirts or a T-shirt" she said, "Oh you didn't get your welcome bag? This is for you!" and she hands me this swag bag with both a sweatshirt AND a T-shirt and a journal to boot (more than I asked, thought or imagined) AND it has my name on it! Sometimes God has provided the answer to your need/wish/desire and it's sitting right in front of you and you just have to speak out your need/wish/desire and sooner or later your words fall on the right ears that know where the gift God provided is and they will hand it to you.

watching a video and one of the singers on screen is sitting across from me in real life 😊 one of life's cool moments, plus this girl can siiing!

Why I love fall: you get close to a full tank on $40, during summer, this would have been half a tank #gasprices #thanktheLord! #gas #jeep

Got to serve on the #kingdomcometour today loading and unloading the bus plus watching Andrew Ehrenzeller and Bryan & Katie Torwalt live from the front row. It was so surreal to see a couple members of the Jesus Culture band up there, they are SO good!!! Like ridiculously beyond GOOD beyond anything I've ever heard!

woke up to -2°C/34°F and my windshield covered in frost. Never happened to me before, so I spent 10 minutes on Google figuring out what to do, warm water didn't work because it froze 5 minutes later, plus I was scared of cracking the glass, so I ended up with a saltshaker shaking salt on my windows in -2° weather #newexperiences #IAmFromTheTROPICS #fall

 Pretty much the Saturday morning of my dreams looking forward to a week of this #ThanksgivingBreak #rain #happythanksgiving #happyholidays

Got tagged by @rhonelda11 to #stopandtakeaselfie and I tag @elizabethmiranda 😊 This is inspired by talking to my big bro today and he goes, out of nowhere "your eyes are not aligned, just noticed" Yeah bro, I also have a zit on my nose and I wear a retainer to bed #reallife #lazyeye #iwearitwithdaconfidence #cantmesswitmyswaggggg #lovehim 😍

One of my super awesome bosses found an extra one of these in the office for me. To say this album is beautiful would be an understatement. Get it on bethelmusic.com/swan-song on December 2nd! #worththewait #worship #sweetness #hgktswansong #SwanSong #hunterthompson #huntergkthompson #BethelMusic

Warm chicken noodle soup & french bread, snickers ice-cream, candle light & a movie #loveyourselfwell #heartfull

 I went running with this girl & when I was falling back & told her to go on without me, she came back, grabbed my hand and ran with me. That's just 1 example of the many times @elizabethmiranda has made me cry. She champions me at every corner. Her fiery passion and depths of wisdom have only increased & turned her into more of the leader she always was. She cares for people's hearts & kicks them out of self pity & into action. She take theories about Holy Spirit and lives Him out by example. She hears God more clearly than any person I know. #HappyBirthday my friend. #Thankyou for a crazy year of #friendship & for putting up with me 💑 #HappyThanksgiving

Took an accidental picture of myself trying to set up my phone for a selfie and it turns out to be the best picture I've ever taken

Hosted an after thanksgiving sleepover/Elizabeth's birthday sleepover with these 2!!!

So my neighbors are awesome! It's looking like Christmas over here!

Hosting African Thanksgiving and loving it 😍 people brought so much food! I'm always nervous before hand, but I love having people over at my house, it fills my love tank.

He Shall Find Me On My Way

When I was in College - pause - did I really just use that statement? Where did the time go?? Anyway, when I was in College, I was a major procrastinator. I hated studying for exams and somehow, unconsciously, I would always surround myself with drama the weeks approaching exam time. I realized close to the end of my college career that finals week would be the days I would be going through a breakup or fights with friends. I guess, I needed the drama to distract me from the pressure of studying or to create enough tension to keep me focused. So very unhealthy, but it was a pattern I could count on - and when I recognized it, I used it to my advantage and got straight A's literally on every exam the week of my break-up.

I just realized, since there aren't any breakups or friends to fight with in my life right now, I might still unconsciously be creating drama to distract me from the pressure of life and whatever this season I'm in is. The thing is, as you know by now, for the past few weeks, I've been stuck in this rut. All of a sudden tonight, my attitude has for the most part, been transformed. I don't know if it's the events of the past couple of days or just, to be blunt, mood swings. Whatever it is, tonight I feel charged.

I'm still hungry for more. I still have questions. I still can't stay where I've been. I still want to go deeper. I still am not convinced I've seen enough of God in my personal life to prove His realness in the vast sense that the Bible declares. But, despite all this, tonight I'm charged with the realization that life is too short to sit here with my questions doing nothing but waiting for answers. I'm still waiting for Him to answer me, but He will find me on the way. I need to charge forward with the work He has given me. If this season is a  season of growth & building, I need to roll my sleeves up, grow & build. When He does come and answer me, He will find me walking on this journey, 10 steps ahead of where I should be. Waging & warring, not curled up in a tight ball of hopelessness and trepidation.

I have such a good example to use, which is probably not the best to put on here; I will say this, sometimes you need to be an Olivia shouting at and calling out the powerful Cyrus in you when he's decided to cower away and retreat. If you catch the reference, great, if not, don't worry about it. The point is, get over yourself and work! Work yourself back into your rightful place of victory.

There's so much I want to do and need to do and know I'm made to do. In the truest version of me, circumstances, visa/immigration situations, uncertainties, hormones, moods, emotions set aside, His passion is burning inside of me, there is literally no time to waste. Jeremiah 20:9 (AMP) "If I say, I will not make mention of [the Lord] or speak any more in His name, in my mind and heart it is as if there were a burning fire shut up in my bones. And I am weary of enduring and holding it in; I cannot [contain it any longer]."

In the truest version of me, the only time I feel fully alive is when this passion for Him is ignited. It puts things in perspective. My life is in your hands Lord, what would you have me do?

Much Ado About Everything

Some pretty interesting things have happened in this journey of stepping into whatever season this is God is pushing me into. (Yes, I said God is pushing me into even though I know my last post was on doubting whether He was real or not) I tell you, His existence is simply not something you can get away from. I genuinely have no idea and can't imagine the thought process of an atheist. When you're excited and you say, "Oh My God!" What do you mean? Or when you're frustrated and say, "Oh Lord!" What does that mean? Because to me, I actually am calling out to Someone. I can't not believe in His exitence. I don't even know how that would work if I didn't believe He was real. Anyway, back to my story...

Some pretty interesting things have happened in this process. I've been waking up at 5:30AM to pray. I felt like I needed to. I always make these big declarations about what I'm going to do to move God or shift my circumstances and I rarely stick to them past a couple of days. I'm actually learning to be less legalistic about my life, no amount of "self-help" steps are going to change me if my heart's not changed from the inside. So I wasn't expecting to stick too long to this early wake up call thing, but with the way it's been working, I just might ;-)

Night 1. I get up and do my thing and pray specifically over finances, then an hour later, I fell asleep and got woken up by a phone call from a cold-caller, I don't know if that's what they're called in America. Anyway, this automated voice leaves a message that says, my loan application for $8000 has been received and to call them to complete the process. This was at 6AM. I've never gotten a cold call that early and never gotten a cold call like that. So, it may just be coincidence that happened, but it's just really weird.

Night 2. Normal.

Night 3. Met the guy walking his dog from the last post & got the prophetic word during worship.

Night 4. Normal.

Night 5. Slept in, but weirdly, I felt a part of me wake up and start praying. I could have just been dreaming, but it was around 5ish AM - I didn't check but I'm guessing because a few minutes later my housemate (who gets up at 5:30) woke up. I don't know if it was a dream or my spirit really did wake up and pray. I know that happens sometimes.

Night 6. Normal

So, as I pray, in my super honest, super dramatic flair ;-) I just tell God, "I don't know what to do!!! I don't know what's going on with me!!!" I'm stuck between feeling like I'm on the brink of something and feeling hopeless because I've been on the brink for so long and so many things have gone...not so great in the process, I don't know if it's here yet or what's going on.

My friend asked me what he could pray about for me, my honest answer, wasn't finances or any of my "pressing needs", it was honestly, just to get a deeper revelation of God. He's taking me somewhere. That's the reason for all of this. That's why I feel so unsettled. He could literally breathe on my circumstances and they would be fulfilled but He's not and that's for a reason. He's taking me somewhere and the sooner I figure out where, the sooner the rest of these things will be taken care of.

I've prayed for chronically ill people before. Three things I've noticed are, one, the person becomes so comfortable in their illness, their identity is formed around it and they unconsciously decide that this is their lot in life and God intends for them to live this way for some reason that sounds perfectly logical and even holy sometimes. Two, they just have no concept of God - the loving Father and believe if they get healed, then the devil is going to send some other form of attack their way. Both stem from fear of disappointment and comfort in malady. Three, they have tons of breakthrough in their spirit, but it doesn't translate physically.

I don't want that to be my life. I refuse to settle for less than, that my life will just be ordinary because that's my lot in life or it's the season I'm in "waiting for God's perfect timing". There's a reason for the journey but if I'm not growing, if I'm not getting better, I'm not just sitting here. I'm happy to be single, but it better be because God is saving someone massively incredible for me. I'm happy to not be earning any money right now, but it better be because soon I'm going to have more money than I know what to do with. I'm happy to live away from my family and be disconnected from my nephew & nieces growing up but it better mean that my family is going to be incredible and powerful at the end of this. I'm happy to serve unnoticed in the background, but it better be because God is preparing a place for me some day.

God owes me nothing, I know that, but at the same time, if He says I'm His daughter, my voice should carry some influence in the Kingdom. I have the ability to pray stuff in that was meant for a different season. I don't need to settle or accept my "lot in life". Like I've said before, Jesus made such a huge deal about a lot of things - how life should be abundant and supernatural, it's time we make a huge deal out of them as well.

I Thought It'd Be Bigger...

I have a ton of notebooks and journals. I have an online journal and I have this. When I get them, I always say, this book will be dedicated to this topic etc etc. I feel like I've ignored this blog though, when the truth is of all my journals, this one probably feeds me the most. Knowing I can come here and track my life and how I've grown for the past 4 years is awesome. I've gotten all of my jobs because of this blog. I think because of that, I've not been motivated to write as much because I started writing for everyone else and not for me.

That's going to change though, starting from today. The truth is, my life every part of me, what you read here, this is all what makes me tick, what makes me a FANTASTIC employee, a great creative mind, and generally great.

Anyway, down to the nitty gritty. So lately, I've been in a season where my faith has been confronted a lot. Everything about my life speaks to the fact that I know God and I'm living for Him, but sometimes, you hit a speed bump and you have to navigate your way through it.

My speed bump has been the question, is God really real? I might be a totally sold out Christian, but I'm still living in this world and I see the same things everybody else sees and I wonder sometimes. I'm not talking about the big issues of the world, wars and violence and climate change, I'm talking about, if God is real then why am I still struggling in areas where He knows I need Him?
In this season, the first 5 minutes of my prayers have been spent repeating, "God you are real" over and over again because I need to get myself to believe it.

I grew up on intellectual faith, I know He's real because I know the Bible is real and I love what the Bible says. In my brain, I know God is real, there can be no other way. I know He is real because I am here, I am way too complex to have just appeared or evolved out of a monkey. I Intellectually, I have no doubt as to the realness of God, and the God from the Bible is a God I would give my life to.

I graduated to a social faith, where I know He's real because my mom prayed every morning and night aloud for my entire life and probably even before then. I know He's real because my mom has given away all her life savings to see the advancement of the people she's responsible to love and by extension to God. I know He's real because I am surrounded by people who paused their whole lives to pursue Him. I know He is real because people have personal stories about Him and the God from those stories is a God I would give my life to.

I've had a little bit of experiential faith where I know God is real because I'm here in the land of my promise pursuing my dreams and that door was opened supernaturally. I know God is real because I've lived a year away from home successfully. I know God is real because of the favor on my life to be able to work for some of the best people in the world, doing jobs I could never have dreamed of. I know God is real because of the moments I've felt Him, when His words have jumped off the page and literally knocked the wind out of my chest. I know God is real because at my weakest, He's used me to touch people's lives even when I didn't intentionally go after that. I know God is real because of the way I physically react when He comes close. I know God is real because of how I feel when I speak in tongues or pray a specific prayer over someone that meets their needs.

So I was having this conversation with a friend on our morning run and a man appears out of nowhere, walking his dog and he starts conversation with us and reads to us out of "Jesus Calling" the devotional. Everything He says responds to every question I had in my heart. I know God is real because of divine encounters like that. How does that even happen. We watched him walk away and half of me was waiting for him to disappear in front of my eyes because it felt too perfect, like an angel came to deliver the word at the precise time I needed it.

Later today, a girl came up to me during worship and prophesied over me again speaking His words directly into my areas of doubt. I know God is real because she could have said anything else in the world, but she said those words.

I feel like this is where I'm at, God keeps showing me things to show me He's real and I get it, I really do. There's virtually no reason not to get it, but I feel like the kid in this Subaru Outback ad, "I thought it'd be bigger". I'm not saying it to hurt my Dad, I'm only saying it because He said there would be more, there would be greater. He played up this whole salvation thing so much, that there has to be more to it than words and twitches.

I don't think being set financially would make Him anymore real, even if it was like a million dollars fell from Heaven directly, well maybe then, jk. I don't think me meeting "the one" and getting married would make Him any more real. I don't think a green card and a job offer would make Him any more real, well maybe, lol again, jk. With all these things and nothing more, I'd still be back here in a year asking the same question. I thought freedom would be more free. I thought joy would be more joyous. I think it's OK to be like this kid. I'm so appreciative for every small beginning, but I thought it would be bigger. I'm ready for bigger. I need my ginormous bison to walk toward me. I don't know what that looks like, but I need it. I know God is real, maybe the problem is, I have made Him too small in my eyes.

Radiance

The new issue of Radiance is out now! If you wanna check it out, fill in the contact form with #Radiance and your email address and I'll send that right out to you!

Radiance is a small little project,( a mini-magazine - to put it generously,) I started in 4 hours one night thinking about ways I could fund raise for school and my life as a student for the next couple of years here in America while doing something I love at the same time. I love to create and to learn how to do it, I love to write, I love God and I love to create and write about God.

This 1st issue is 14 pages of pictures and stories and I felt it was a good place to start, especially for 4 hours of work. I felt the Holy Spirit on me so strongly, I was literally shaking, maybe out of nervousness or anticipation or joy or just Him, as I embarked on this journey and wrote those first words, I hope that comes through as you read them.

Love you guys, and thank you for all your support!

October 2014 Insta-Recap

Studying, reading testimonies, working, creating, doing perhaps the best job anyone on the planet would ever be privileged to do, been sitting down for 3 hours #soretodaystrongtomorrow 😉 #sohappy #SOthankful #DreamCulture #HeavenInBusiness

today is a GREAT day for a bunch of reasons, one of which is hosting dinner later with some awesome Bethel people from East Africa. Thought it'd be appropriate to start the day with a Kenyan breakfast, uji with lemon (amaranth flour porridge with lemon) #theoriginalglutenfree #swahilinight #community

1st day of my internship training at Bethel Music!!!

Making tea for Bella & Rabson. how can I be a #Kenyan hostess and not end with a cup of #ketepa tea 😊 tonight was so great, we could have talked all night. God is so good in the way He knows each of us uniquely and moves through our lives. I get to be friends with some incredible (and I don't use that word lightly) people!

 10/5/2014 still reeling from all the love I was soaked in by my Revival Group family in Homegroup tonight. Its still strange for me to speak out & be the center of attention, but this family makes it so comfortable and so worth it. Thanks for letting me, God immensely bless you guys. #Presence #redemption #dreams #transparency

my super amazing, powerful, empowering, winning, championing, Spirit filled team today #teamwork #family #revivalgroup #davewardsrg

yeah, just taking selfies 60ft up in the air, no big deal 😨😅 #ropescourse

went first on a couple of these freakin the heck out, shout out to the champ @georgiaalexandria without whose strengths my day would have been completely different, appreciate you girl #ropescourse

Watching #BethelMusic soundcheck for the #OpenHeavens conference #volunteerlife #sweetlife #greatnight #livemusic #worship

Last week I was processing through life & I was just tired & really felt God say "stay home" & to cancel my plans. I was on Instagram & saw this singer @moriahpeters and it led me to her songs and testimonies and I sat there for hours reading, watching and listening and felt God reawaken things in my life and give me hope & a new lease on life(!) then I started writing songs for hours which I haven't done in a long time. I saw she was coming to Redding in a couple of days on tour with Rend Collective & I really wanted to go but money's tight & I have home group same time so I chose not to go trusting God would never make me miss out on anything and I would get to experience #teamBRAVE live someday, but still felt really bummed. Cut to today, my housemate Lindsey, not knowing this whole back story bought this CD at the concert and she felt God tell her to give it to me!!!! #Heknowsmyname #Heknowsmyeverythought

I wish I could explain what this sign means to my heart...I really wish I could, sometimes, like tonight I see it and it just hits me and even I wonder #dreams #hopes #promises #more #Yes

Fall weather = boot weather! If you're Kenyan, you know this sweater 😉 stole it from my mom's old closet, happy I can wear it in Redding and feel cool #ootd

I hereby christen Tuesday night as Creator Academy nights/YouTube University nights/Learning the learn out of Youtube nights/Geeking out over things normal people don't geek out over nights #youtube #socialmediamarketing #marketing #excellence #noideawhatIamreadingbutprayingsomeofitsticks 😉👍

yesterday our Revival Group decided to dress up in crazy outfits. I'm not a hugely self conscious person about my looks, I'm not the girl who says don't post that group picture I don't look good enough in it, I wear my "fivehead" like a pro most days because these things & those moments make me ME and I feel pretty dang good about myself, (being the only brown skin girl in the room most times releases a lot of freedom too, I highly recommend it! 😄) but it was good to see how crazy freedom would look like to a caged bird. It was a great experiment. I love these guys! #borntobefree #teamBRAVE #bssm2

Consider this an honest selfie 😞 Hit some rough seas, if you could pray for me & my family, I would be grateful #exhausted

So I've heard of twinning, would this be called tripletting? #fall #rain #oversizesweaters #boots #notherewasnoworkmemoinvolved #bethelmusic

pulled pork sliders, brownies, ice cream and my 1st full baseball game where I actually knew what was going on thanks to my #housechurch. I think I'm an honorary American now lol 👍😃⚾ #letsprayfortheGiants #theStirring #community

Haven't had my computer for the past few days, the only downside is not being able to work this week 👎 but the incredible upside is with no TV distraction, I've gone to the movies & hung out with a 💝 friend, went to my 1st braai with my South African friends and had great conversations, around the grill, just left an incredible Halloween party and heart talk with a new close friend. Feeling so happy, I might just stick to this no laptop thing. #introvertmyfoot #donthidebehindlabels #tvfast

Speaking of #halloween I went as Olivia Pope from Scandal. I think I came close, except that Olivia never smiles and I can't stop smiling 😃🍷

Make Me a Dream In Someone's Heart

So I heard this line randomly in my head and I thought, 'ooh that makes a good prayer', so I prayed, "God make me a dream in someone's heart" I guess in the sense that, I would fulfill someone's desire for a good employee, or good volunteer or maybe even good wife.

Anyway, I prayed and that was that, but maybe a day later, I thought, wait, what if  that was God telling me to make Him a dream in someone's heart. How would I even do that? By showing off what an amazing life I have? Because that would not be a really long list. Don't get me wrong, my life is amazing, but what is amazing to me, may look like a whole lot of not-that-great to one person and a whole lot of work to the next.

How do I make God a desire in someone's heart, when my life isn't all together?

Isn't that the point though? To make even one person see the passion the Father's love drives you into, that you could hold your worship through the storm, through the wreck, through the fire, because you know the Father loves you and you can't be convinced otherwise?

Bill Johnson says, God will often bless you only as much as it takes to keep your trust on Him and not the blessing. In my struggle, trusting Him, needing Him is easy. I don't want struggle to define my life and my relationship with God; but I feel like struggle sometimes births the sacrifice of praise, I'm actually sacrificing my right to be weighed down and sacrificing the focus due my struggle and gazing upon Jesus and singing, "You are good, You are here" when it feels like anything but that. Thing is, sometimes, I led myself into the struggle, in which case, I surely need Him; in another case, maybe the enemy is trying to rob you, in which case, you need Him still. Either way, I need Him.

Maybe making Him a dream in someone's heart looks like showing people what a heart sold out looks like. Seriously, there's no going back. I don't care what happens or doesn't happen, what the enemy tries or doesn't try. I will not leave my Father. Like, that's settled. I might be stubborn and petulant when He doesn't do what I want Him to do when I want Him to do it, but I will not leave Him, I will always come back to Him, He is home.

Maybe making Him a dream in someone's heart looks like dreaming big dreams, staying hopeful and giving God room to move on them. Anyone can make a small goal achievable, but it's the big things that cause the world to take notice and want what you have. That's the dream I want to inspire. That God adds super to the natural and extra to the ordinary.

My Amazing Children,

So, I am writing this, my first letter to you, in the most exhausted state I've been in in a while. Life is amazing and complicated, and I am in the complicated part right now, basically fighting and contending and pushing for something better, something greater than I could have imagined when I was your age. Pushing is sometimes exhausting.

Nights like tonight, I stand before God, needing Him to prove His word. I don't know how correct of a demand that is to make on God. God is sovereign and God, I would never ask Him to prove Himself, but I feel like it's a good place to be at, to ask God to prove His word, and that He is who He says He is. That's the point of the Bible, it's not just a storybook, it's living and active...or should be. I've had a lot of natural, I need some supernatural in my life. That's what I paid for, what I'm surrounded by, it's what I need because the things on my heart, the things I want for myself, the type of dad I want you to have, the things I want for you guys, the only way any of it is going to happen, is for Him to be who He says He is in my life.

Well, a year ago, I saw a vision of my sons, standing on a stage, amazing young men, leaders of leaders. Tonight, as I keep pushing and keep fighting to stay hopeful and full of joy, I questioned the point of it all, and I heard God say, "Someday, you're going to have a daughter." That spoke to me because there are battles, especially for the sake of my girls, battles that have to end with me. That's why I'm here, that's why I packed up my life for the sake of a crazy dream, because the thought of staying in the same cycle that so many others before me have gone in, kills me. I don't want you to be stuck with dreams in your hearts that look like they'll never come true, I want better for you. Guys, you're not even here yet, but you all give me life!


My mom, your grandmother, has opened a lot of doors for me. She fought, she's winning at life and she passed the baton to me. I promise, I'm going to be as open and honest as I can be with you and give you guys room to say everything you want to say from your 1st word, because as much as I know you need to conquer your own wars and win your own victories, if you fought the things I fought, then what would be the point in my struggle. My head will not be buried in my work, or a book or a TV screen or myself, I want to be present for you.

I want you guys to have an amazing life. I want you to have the toys on TV and the newest clothes in the mall. I want you to have a dad who's always there all the time & that showers you embarrassingly with affection, a mom that's healthy and whole and powerful. I want to take you guys to the best schools we can find where the teachers love on you, call out your destinies and believe in each of you as individuals. I want you to not have to compete with each other or try to be like each other, champion each other, support each other, love each other and not let a day go by without connecting with each other. I want to buy you guys a car when you can drive and your 1st house when you get married - married young and to the people of your dreams.

So, you might not be here yet, but thank you for existing as a dream in my heart. When I'm too tired to fight for myself, I'm fighting for you.

All My Love, 
Mummy

Stewardship = Investment

Something God has been speaking to me a lot recently is on stewardship. One of my goals in life is to be a good steward. I've lived under a poverty mentality all of my life, if it's not living in poverty, it's been running from poverty. I feel like I got a lot of freedom from that, this whole orphan mentality of spending as soon as you get money or hoarding it and hiding it away. I think I've found a happy medium. Sometimes though, I feel a bit of poverty creeping in. I currently stay in a country where I'm not allowed to be employed legally and can't earn any money while pursuing the dreams and desires of my heart. You'd think this would be an awesome vacation, not having to work Woo! No. It actually sucks. I had a horrible job before coming here but the feeling of earning a paycheck...I miss that feeling.

So here I am, I can't earn any money, money's tighter than it ever has been, so to show God I'm a "good steward of the little" so He can give me more, I strive and struggle and skimp and I find the more tightly I hold on for control, the more it all falls apart. Suddenly the bank charges you an amount you hadn't planned for or the electric bill comes in higher than you planned. 

Another funny one is, I'm not a big fan of peanut butter, but sandwiches are a way of life as a student, so I can handle almond butter. PB is $3, AB is $5, so what should I get? PB is cheaper so get the PB right? This is what I did. I got home, opened it, tasted it, hated it. So, my idea of stewardship ended up costing me $3 being stuck eating something I hate instead of adding the $2 and actually eating something I enjoy.

I could give you example after example of things I've bought because I thought a cheaper price tag meant stewardship and they all ended up being more wastes of money than if I had bought what was actually on my heart that I needed to buy. From 99ct avocados that all went bad in 2 days to other products that would be tmi 😉

I know this is a way of life for a lot of people and I understand the privilege of shopping for anything at all. I appreciate the struggle but I'd be lying if I said I could reconcile this struggle with the God who paints the most lavish, extravagant sunsets. I mean, why all the fanfare? Wouldn't a cosmic light bulb hanging on the end of a string switched on and off be enough? Yet He weaves together clouds and color and beauty. It's obvious God and poverty don't exist in the same world.

Yet here I am. Trying hard to hold on when the facts are staring at me dead in the face. The world would look at me, as I do sometimes and say, "It's time to live in the real world, go home, get a job". The thing is, this is my real world. Bethel, BSSM, this place saved my life, literally. I was hopeless and suicidal before that awesome day I saw Kim Walker Smith singing into my soul and leading me to my 1st encounter with God. I was cyclically depressed for my entire life until the day Bill Johnson prayed and I felt the power of God through the screen and I ended up laughing on the floor of my room in Nairobi for a straight hour. God could have touched me anywhere through anyone but this is what He chose and what has worked for me right now. This is the realest life for me.

God is teaching me stewardship isn't management, it's investing in what brings increase. Management puts me in the drivers seat, investing puts Him in it because when you invest, that money isn't in your hands anymore, its on what Management does with the investment.

One of my callings is brainstorming missions, especially to Africa because that's where I'm from. God is also showing me that the business world has more faith in Africa than the Church because the business world believes in investing but the church believes in giving. Investing is a huge deal and I feel like I'm investing into my future and my family's future and in a way the world, because the world can be the person down the street or at the store or it can be an entire nation. Pastors lose credibility for asking people to give, personally, I've lost family because they equated my being here as me gearing up to ask them for handouts and charity. For all that God has done for me, I don't need that.

I'm in the right place. I can't convince you of that with any number of words, but I pray my life shows it.

If you would like to invest in me, I can't promise you a nation or my continent, but I can promise you myself. I'm showing up where I need to show up. I'm being who He made me to be. I'm loving myself and the people around me. If you'd like to join my family that God's given me this past year, invest in me for me and financially support this journey of volunteering and seeing His faithfulness and saying yes and going where He leads me around the world and back and kicking the enemy's butt because he really just pisses me off! Please email joanmainaworks@gmail.com for more information or postal address.

Blessings & Peace to your house.

Bethel Church: The Real Deal

"Steady Heart" from The Undoing by Steffany Frizzell-Gretzinger

I've been at Bethel over a year now...feels so good to say that! Bill always says, "people come here searching for revival but they stay for the culture." I was back home during the summer and when people asked me about my experience, I was very clear in the fact that this was not heaven! I still went through some very real experiences and encountered some very real people. Not every situation or person was sunshine and roses. That led to the question, "So why would you want to go back?"



Honestly, let me just speak from the heart. First of all, coming here, I did not plan this at all, finding God and family in California has been the word in the deepest part of my heart since I first became a Christian 14 years ago, so being here, it feels to me, it's honestly just like I stepped into a wave God had already created 14 years ago.

Second, the way these leaders love and honor each other. They aren't all besties, but the way they talk about each other makes them seem like they are. There's such a high value for excellence and you can see it through Bethel Music for example and how everything they release is top notch. Even their offices, everything from the logo to the wallpaper to the desk lamps screams excellence and intentionality. Like I said, I've been here over a year, I promise you, there is genuinely no competition among the leaders, everyone is fully free to be who they are and they fully celebrate each other and never compete. Look at this video! Steffany is fully herself and Amanda is fully herself. Nobody has to shrink to maximize the other, nobody has to pretend to be bigger than the other. Everybody has their imperfections, but everybody is quick to clean up their mess - if not, it may just mean, you have to work on your own self -

It translates to students and visitors when you see how once a week 2000 students go out volunteer to help in schools, clinics, elderly people homes, cleaning up parks and weeding in the bush, all with no other agenda but to intentionally show love to the city that has opened up it's arms to us. Forget the organized volunteer spots, the sheer number of people who have no money and no time, give generously to needy people in stores and give an encouraging conversation to a homeless man on the street.

Honestly, I feel like the luckiest person in the world to get to experience this. From the bottom of my heart, Thank You Jesus!

If you want more information, I'd highly encourage you to get Danny Silk's book Culture of Honor which a lot of leaders have found useful in getting an idea of the vision.

TV & Me

One of the memories I have of my dad is one time, him sitting on his chair like he did every night with one leg on the arm of the chair like the cool O.G that he was ;-) and he said to me, "Those people you're watching there have a job and careers and they are getting paid to be there. Don't waste your time watching them, instead of building those things for yourself."

I wouldn't say I was addicted, I was just a lonely kid and TV was my outlet into the world...sad, but true. Anyway, I'm almost all grown up now. I don't have parents waiting in the living room to manage my TV time. It's just me and my laptop...together...all-the-time!

I'm pretty good at recognizing God's voice in the middle of watching a TV show saying, "OK, time to hang out with Me now." Whether I say yes or no is another matter entirely. To be honest, I'm kind of sick of it.

If you're like me & don't have a TV in your house, you know, the lengths you go to to watch shows online is pretty crazy. Ads upon ads, sometimes regular ads, sometimes "What the he--?! Esc key! Esc key! Esc key!" type ads.



Then, there's the shows themselves, it just never ends, there's always going to be a funnier show next season and then they get cancelled and another show comes up and gets cancelled and your mind is filled with all these unresolved story lines. Also, I mean, we shut our minds off to it, but, you guys, it's getting so crazy these days. It's always about sex and whose having sex with who and who killed who and who's cheating on who and the steamy scenes are getting longer and longer and racier and racier. I'm not trying to "holier-than-thou" anything, but, I think it's healthy to take a step back sometimes and evaluate where you're at.

Right now, I'm not at a good spot. My life if beautifully full with great things that can sometimes feel a little overwhelming and TV is a great spot to run away to, but, it doesn't feel right for me right now. I actually wrote this post a few weeks ago, but I chickened out on posting it because of Fall Premiere week - just being real! But I've been getting a bunch of words from people I totally respect - totally unrelated to this topic, but in the back of my mind, I know God meant those conversations for this reason. I have to honor that still small voice. Stuff like one of my dads being like, "You have really beautiful eyes, the eyes of Jesus" and my mind goes to, "Jesus would probably not be using His eyes to watch..." Basically, all the information I get about sex & relationships, apart from now being here at Bethel, is from TV.

The worst thing we can do as Christians is try to add new rules and condemnation to our lives so this isn't a rule. If I wanna watch something tomorrow morning, I can totally do that freely. Jesus said in Matthew 10:17, "I lay down my life so that I may take it again. No one has taken it away from me, but I lay it down on my own initiative. I have authority to lay it down and I have authority to take it up again." Anyway, I don't know what this means for me, for sure, I'm not going to watch the intense drama I loved, but what about comedies that seem pretty decent? I guess, I'm just going to have to work it out with Holy Spirit by myself. God help me!

Jesus is 5-Fold Ministry

We went on Retreat last week and I know I didn't write about that. I just had a lot going on and, this blog is more of an overflow spot, Retreat was mostly just for me, to fill me up for me.

Anyway, from the "overflow", I thought to write this post. Chris Cruz spoke our first night there, we were in Chico, CA at the YWAM Base out there. He said something that stuck with me. He said, sometimes we listen to his stories or people known for their evangelistic passions, like Chris Overstreet or Ben Fitzgerald and we're like, "Oh great testimony, that's just them, that's who they are" We don't think about it, but what we're doing is we're subconsciously excusing our own fears or ineffectiveness by saying, it's just not our "gift".

Jesus was both evangelist and pastor. He could command the attention of thousands and turn around and minister deeply to the heart of one. He was both healer and apostle. He healed everyone He met and He knew His identity and a Son and God as Father. He was a prophet and He revealed the mysteries and secrets of God to man and spoke of what was to come.

I'm not the boldest person in the room. When I'm sitting in a theater watching Son of God next to Ben Fitzgerald and the Spirit of God is in the room, and God tells me, "Hey, Joanne, I'd like you to get up and speak about me." Everything in me will revert to, "God, not me, Ben's the evangelist." Or to bring it closer home, if I'm on the ministry team and a 1st year comes to me for prayer and God tells me what's going on, but there's a 3rd year next to me and I revert to him because my insecurity says he can pray better. Or if I'm encouraging someone and Kris Vallotton or Ben Armstrong or Dave Ward or anyone comes up behind me and I'm scared to say what God put on my heart to say a minute earlier. There's a place for honoring the point - the leader, but I can't allow myself to confuse honor with insecurity because right then I've shown God the value I have for the one line He put in my heart.

Honestly, I've been hurt in the past so I get so offended by evangelist types who are more concerned by the numbers than connecting to the heart of the one; because that's who I am, I'm more "pastoral" by nature. I just realized, evangelists have as much right to be offended by me for not standing in the boldness of the Lion living inside of me and telling the world who He is.

I always hesitate to put the epistles on the chopping block, but Jesus didn't actually make these distinctions, at least, not modeled by His own life. He was all things because He was one thing, a Son, a reflection of God. We are invited to be sons and daughters, reflections of God. I feel like our pastors are doing a great job of modeling that, or maybe God's just doing something new this season, but getting to see the pastoral side of Chris, Kris and Ben F is leading me to ask myself, where's my wild side?

I'm not there yet, so I'm preaching to myself. I can't hide behind the pulpit or whatever the mantle of my ministry looks like and act like everything else is up to everybody else. I need to hear God, it needs to be real. I need to let Him speak to me as Himself not change it to what suits me or looks best like me. Until I get that, I'm not there yet.

What does that look like? It looks like risk and not knowing what to do in the moment apart from listening to Him.

Honor & Inheritance

The message on my heart this week has been on living from inheritance. I read this quote from Andy Mason's book, God With You at Work and at first it didn't sit right with me. Our world is very "self-made millionaires" or "started from the bottom now we're here" attitude driven. This statement could offend a lot of people. But this sentence was really just highlighted to me.

Fast forward to sitting in class the next day and Kris Vallotton begins speaking about how one of the smartest tactics the devil has used has been in creating the generation gap. You see, if the younger generation are isolated from the older, they miss out on every lesson and every process the older went through to get to where they are and essentially, end up starting from rock bottom, re-inventing the wheel instead of building a new floor on their ceiling.


God didn't create us to start over after every generation, He created us to build upon inheritance. This is why laying on of hands, inheritance and impartation was such a big deal. Laying on of hands isn't just for healing, that's only instructed once in the Bible in James. James even recognized that it was the elders that were to impart healing. Elders.

It's actually a physical act to show a transfer of what one person has to another person. In Genesis 27, we see all the lengths Jacob went through to get Isaac to lay hands on him and bless him at his deathbed. Later, we see Joseph asking his dad to bless his sons before they died. The laying on of hands wasn't an exchange of property in the physical sense, but these men recognized it had a value far above material goods in the spirit. If we don't recognize value in the spirit, we end up missing out, like the king who struck the ground 3 times instead of more missed out on Elisha's mantle. (2 Kings 13)
That's a good selah right there. Just stop and think about it.  

Recognize that what is happening in the Spirit has far more value than any material goods.

If it was just about stuff, Isaac would have easily taken it back and given it to Esau, but he couldn't, essentially, he said, "what's done is done, I've already given my all to your brother, I can't take it back." It wasn't about cattle or fields, it was something deeper.

So, Kris ties it in to present day, how we hold no value for those who have gone before us and we "retire" people and call them out of date and useless and we lose out on all that they have fought for, so we end up fighting things we could have avoided.

He used the analogy of track runners. How when you run a relay, the person waiting to be handed the baton has to start moving, show the 1st runner he can get up to speed, he can't just sit there and do nothing. If we're gonna win, we have to honor the run of the person who ran before us.

So I dug this out, an old relay race that Kenya won ;-)

You see, the 2nd runner wasn't just sitting around doing nothing, he was up and rearing to go.

I got the full impact of this today in my Bible class with Mike Tesauro. Mike is my new Bible instructor. I've seen him around and heard his name a few times. So I sat in his class not really expecting anything crazy. It's just a Bible class. Theology, facts, etc. A few minutes into the lesson, Mike and his wife start off telling us their history. How they got saved, how their passion for the Word began, how it brought them together, how they've practically, radically applied the Word, how it's led them through bad times in their 33 years of marriage, their ministry and where they are now. Then he goes back to teaching the lesson plan.

My attitude pre-history and after was 180 degrees different. Now, essentially, I knew what they were building and what I could build upon. I felt it in my heart through their story, them handing me the baton, giving me access to their 2nd floor to start building my own passion for the word and the treasures it holds. Like, you could feel the shift in the room. I felt like, what took them 33 years to build, I don't have to fight that hard, for that long. Do I still have to go through process and build my own history, yes. But, it's going to be different for me. I've seen what can be done, I have their testimony, I know what I can do.

I can't put a price tag on what I'm getting from BSSM. It's hard to explain, it's hard for anyone outside of this to understand, (which is why I get the internet talk/criticism) it sounds crazy, but, what I'm getting is an inheritance from people with the deepest histories. I have access to their history. I have legal precedence to pass through the roads they forged. I've seen them live their lives and seen the impact of who they are and I get to be part of their story. How can you put a price tag on that?

Anyway, I'll end it here. Blog etiquette states that I've gone a little word-overboard, but I'm just so excited about this and I hope you catch that!

Can't We All Just Live Together...

I am surrounded by some very opinionated people. I'm pretty opinionated myself, I'm just not very confrontational so if we go on and on in a debate and you refuse to accept I'm right, then I'll probably just nod and say, "OK", while thinking, "you are so wrong, I feel so sorry for you" :-p

Anyway, I'm constantly inundated by people's opinions particularly on being a single "Christian" woman. Ick!, I hate that term. It sounds so death-by-plague-ish. This is the point of my post.

I'm sick of people villifying other people for their choices on how they choose to handle the seasons in their lives.

You see posts like, "why do you think the grass is greener on the other side, just find happiness in being single" or "you'll never be content when you're married if you're not content by yourself" I don't know how to describe these statements, I'm sure you know what I mean though.


There's definitely truth to them. I'm just like, on the other side of the coin, quit shaming people for their feelings! I, for example, am perfectly content in who I am and what I'm doing in my life. I can be content and still be hungry for more. Every time though, that someone tells me something like, "Did you go to Bible school for Jesus or for a husband?" mostly other single people, by the way, they imply that I have a reason to be ashamed of my feelings. My truth is that there was room in my heart for both Jesus and dating and that is no more right or wrong than your uni-directional heart. I've got some pretty awesome things going on in my life, I kinda have a desire to share them, there's nothing wrong with that? Don't put me in a place where I have to hide or be ashamed or be fearful about the condition of my heart when I know and God knows that I have no reason to fear or be ashamed.

So, yes Christian world, I am ready to mingle and grab coffees and dinners and it's NOT A BIG DEAL and it's nothing to be ashamed or fearful of!!! Oy Vey!!! You'll either sink or swim, but you'll never know by sitting in the middle of the boat with your eyes squeezed shut.

"So, yes Christian world, I am ready to mingle and grab coffees and dinners and it's NOT A BIG DEAL and it's nothing to be ashamed or fearful of!!! Oy Vey!!!"

So I know it's kind of ironic writing that people should stop writing to disparage others while it may sound like I'm disparaging those people myself, so I'll end my rant here. My point is just to ask, can't we all live together? Handle your seasons the way the Holy Spirit and your community is leading you to handle it, and let me handle mine the same way. There's room for all of us.

September 2014 Insta-Recap

ready for Church!!! :-)

 

back home after the best day at registration. Feel incredibly privileged and ecstatically happy to be in Dave Ward's RG this year, heard so many great things, experienced so many great things, his interns are friggin awesome. Secretly praying i would end up in his group, since I pired out my heart to him as my summer pastor, didn't think I would end up in his group becasue they told us our summer pastrors would not be our rg pastors but I did & it feels like home already :-) This is gonna be a great year! #bssm2 #bssm

Everything about this is what I want to be every day. Living God's way, having affection for others, exuberance for life, serenity and a willingness to stick to my commitments without them feeling like drudgery or a chore...it always surprises me how the Bible hits it on the nail so well all the time #lovethatWord Gal 5:22-24 (MSG)

#Redding your beauty astounds me! Sunrise today means 2nd year #bssm worship team tryouts!!! Good luck to everybody trying out, it's going to be a spectacular year for you! Can't wait to see where you lead us.

Finally get a homework assignment on a book I've already read! Here's to head starts and second time arounds! :-) #billjohnson

representing the Motherland today at the International Student Orientation #bssm #AfricaPride

Made it to the 1130am Holy Spirit Movie Premiere phew! Busy day today! Thats Todd White and Brian 'head' Welch from Korn sharing their hearts right now. Happy Saturday folks! You can watch the movie free in bethel.tv for 48 hours

met some incredible people AND another girl from Kenya here for 1st year!!! Woohoo! That makes 2!!! #bssm2theworld

Love this girl!!! @makariasriel #latergram Happy 20th!

 4 Sundays waking up extra early are done, last small group training today! :-) I'm thankful to get to spend the next few months completely submerged in getting as deep as I can get in learning God, wherever life takes me I know this season will have me ready

 Today on the blog: How to Enjoy Life in the In-Between - When you're past the Past but have no idea what the future holds http://tinyurl.com/lgv5pw8

Seeing worship in the front page of The New York Times definitely made for a cool morning. Totally blessing #Hillsong Brian Houston and Carl Lentz and all God is doing through them #andalltheearthwillshoutyourpraise

http://tinyurl.com/mjwh39k Today on the blog, "How to Trust in God's Faithfulness" because for the past 2 weeks between classes, both my church's services, podcasts etc it seems God's not changing the message from #process, #timing and #trust

Woke up to this beauty, now because its Friday and there's no school, I'm heading back to bed 😉 #sunrise #redding #norcal #igers #igphotooftheday

 Poetry night hangs at one of my favorite places, this is how we get turnt up in Redding! 😃 #fridaynighthangs

New School Photos are up!Second time getting my picture taken by the super talented @heatherarmstrongphotography #bssm #bssm2 #schoolphotoday

Hung this up in my room tonight because I'm missing one of my best friends @kevgishe 😩

1. God can use anyone regardless of whether you feel "prepared enough" in the moment. All He needs you to do is show up; everything else is His job. 2. God is good 3. God is who He says He is 4. Prophesy is fun 5. Prophesying is easy 6. I have the best Revival Group Family in the world (pic) #bssm2 #retreatweek

Happy Birthday to the most beautiful person I know. She's literally God's representative to me. She's my Jesus with skin on. She's constantly standing in the boat with me when plenty of others have abandoned ship. She takes care of me. She's kicked my butt when I've needed it and still ends up cleaning up my messes. She's both my mother and father. She is so smart and enterprising. She is Proverbs 31. The other side of my coin, my siamese twin in the spirit because my victories are her victories, my prayers are her prayers, my blessings are her blessings. I can't believe how much I love you mom. 😍😍😍😘😘😘

Excited to head out of town for #bssmretreat tomorrow and for the next couple of days. Excited, mildly nervous; full of anticipation for what God's gonna do.

Back in Redding!!! Craving a recovery shake after all the camp food we ate the past 2 days #loveRedding #goodtobehome #vscocam

The sky looked really cool tonight

#ootd in honor of these jeans I got my 1st time shopping at #Forever21 on our Chico trip. Customer service wasn't the best experience, but these jeans ARE especially for only $7.80 (ksh.700) #mostcomfortablejeansEVER 😍 #readyforfall

my mom bought me this denim jacket when I was probably 12 or younger. I'm 24 now so this jacket is nearly half my age and still holding on 😤 I'm sure there's a prophetic statement in there somehow

joannefuraha Shout out to my Bestie @meshiwani for the top and the bracelet that she MADE! Further proof that without her I would be walking around in fig leaves. #Wedges from #ClothingRevival, #leggings from #Forever21 #ootd #churchoutfit

excited to see what this journey holds #inovermyhead #asusual #bestplacetobe #youthpastor #leadership