Be The One

Hi, I just love the series that's going on at my church this month and rather than try and explain it, I'll just re-blog the whole sermon here because it speaks for itself, or you can watch the video.

Is there a better way to find Mr/Ms Right? Today we’re starting off a new series called ‘Finders Keepers: how to find and keep the One’. We want to learn some foundational principles from scripture about how to enter and conduct healthy romantic relationships. Some of us are hoping to enter such relationships and I pray this month will help you learn how to prepare for one. Some of us are already in a relationship or are married and I pray this month will give you a great opportunity to evaluate your relationship and learn how to grow it. Some of us are not interested in a romantic relationship; we’ve been hurt by one or we’re just not ready. And that’s fine too – I pray you’ll have a chance to learn more about yourself and the type of person God wants you to be.

Read Genesis 29:31-35 [NIV]


Sometimes the bible has more drama than a Mexican soap-opera! I mean imagine you are watching ‘Triumfo de Amor’ (the triumph of love)… this hunk Jacobinho meets beautiful Rachelitta and falls madly in love. But unfortunately, her dad is so obsessed with money that he sets an impossible bride-price: ‘work 7 years for free in my company and then you can marry my baby’ (okay, so maybe it’s not a Mexican soap, it’s a kyuk soap!). Jacobinho is so in love that he willingly accepts the exorbitant terms and gets to work! The years pass by slowly but he never gives up. Seven tough years later, he shows up and reminds his boss of his promise. To his joy, his boss says ‘yes’ and even agrees to pay for the wedding fiesta. The day finally comes. Now in that culture, you don’t see the brides face because she’s in a veil the whole day. And so you’d go into the honeymoon night without having seen her face. The following morning, the sun comes up; our dude wakes up, reaches out to his bride, and is shocked to discover that the woman next to him is Rachelitta’s older sister. He screams! He’s been conned by his conniving boss! Angrily, he storms out of his tent to confront his dad in law and accuses him of deception. The older man listens to him calmly and then explains that in their custom, the younger daughter can’t be married before her older sister. It’s just not right! Surely, he should have known that! So he advises him to go back to his bride and finish their honeymoon and then come back next week and do wedding #2, on condition he’d be willing to work another 7 years for Rachelitta! And so young Jacobinho, driven by love for Rachelitta becomes the first person in history to have two weddings and two honeymoons back to back.

The bible clearly says that ‘Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah’. Can you imagine being in Leah’s shoes? She had grown up with a squint – the bible refers to her condition as ‘weak eyes’ – and it had probably damaged her self esteem. She had grown up seeing her younger sister being admired by all the neighborhood boys while they treated her like she was just one of the guys. They’d send her with love notes to her sister! And now that she was finally married to the man she most admired, she had to live with the knowledge that her husband felt conned to be with her, and that his heart belonged to another woman. Not a good start to any marriage!

Like any young lady her age, Leah had desires that she expected her man to satisfy. She wanted a knight in shining armor, who would love her, would be attached to her, and who would spend quality time with her, and who would rescue her from low self esteem. She may not have been as beautiful as her sister but she had a competitive advantage that her sister did not have – and that was her ability to get babies. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach but back then (and in many cases even today) having a baby was a powerful way to hook a guy. So she started having babies and named her first son Reuben or ‘he has seen my misery’, saying, ‘It is because the Lord has seen my misery. Surely my husband will love me now’. Unfortunately, didn’t work; she still didn’t feel loved. And so she had another son whom she named Simon or ‘one who hears’ – ‘because the LORD heard that I am not loved, he gave me this one too’. Now Albert Einstein once said that ‘insanity is doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result each time! Leah was still hoping for a different result! Her insanity continued with baby number three whom she called Levi or ‘attached’, saying, ‘now at last my husband will become attached to me because I have borne him three sons’. What?!

Lest we wonder how crazy this lady was, I want to say that her story is not as uncommon as we might think. As a generation, we’ve grown up believing in the mantra ‘if it feels good, do it!’ Life is about the pursuit of happiness. We look for a spouse who will make us happy or feel good. I’m looking for a husband coz I got needs! I’m looking for a wife because it’s time for me to settle down. And that’s why many in our generation think that you should cohabit before you get married. Sort of like a test drive. I mean what’s wrong with ensuring that the other person actually has what it takes to keep you happy?

The problem however, is that human beings are not cars! Humans perform differently in test conditions than they do in real life. As long as there’s no commitment and the other person can walk out any time, then it’s impossible to be completely vulnerable and be yourself with them. We’ve just too much to lose! So regardless of how long you ‘test’, you’ll never really know what the drive is like until after you’ve signed the papers and left the shop! Many marriages today are breaking after only a few months and people say ‘we’re incompatible’ which is the same as ‘she’s not making me happy’. Even among those who choose not to leave each other, many have given up on their marriages when they realized they just weren’t delivering happiness.

The problem with this thinking is that it’s all about what the other person can give to me. It’s externally focused because it’s about waiting for the right person and not about being the right person. But Leah’s story teaches us that if you operate by that external focus, then your only choice once you finally meet the person of your dreams is manipulation. You’re going to have to keep pushing them to get what you want. And it never ends. Over and over again Leah tried to get satisfaction from her husband but only got disappointed. Before she realized that only God can satisfy, her heart had been broken into a million pieces. Many of us are moving into relationships looking for our needs to be satisfied. We have transferred the responsibility for our joy/significance/happiness/self esteem to another person. But this is a burden we should never assign to another human being because they’re bound to disappoint.

And this was Leah’s realization. She realized that it didn’t matter how many babies she got, it wouldn’t cause husband to love her more. And so she stopped the insanity, and named her fourth son Judah, which means ‘praise’ saying ‘this time I will praise the LORD’. She realized that the basis of her relationship could not be what she could get out of her husband. She realized he wouldn’t satisfy her anyway; only God could. And so she shifted from trying to manipulate her husband and she turned her focus to God.

Change your focus! It’s only when we turn to God that He helps us to become the person we were meant to be. Sadly in the next chapter, Leah forgot her lesson; her old insecurities crept back and she found herself in a baby race with her only sister. She even stooped as low as paying her sister with food to get extra nights with her husband. It’s apparent that the demons of her past had not been exorcised.

Let me put it starkly… clingy, desperate women tend to attract uncaring, insensitive men… and vice versa! It’s just the way it is! You see, like attracts like. A relationship only compounds the state it found you in. If you are lonely, you’ll marry another lonely person and each of you will demand that the other provide companionship that they’re incapable of giving (that’s why they got married in the first place!) If you’re broken, you’ll marry another broken person and each will demand that the other heal them first.

Unhealthy people attract other unhealthy people, with complimentary dysfunctions. For example, people with addictions tend to be attracted to people who are co-dependent i.e. rescuers who have a need to be needed. And the worst thing is, your spouse will not only not be able to heal you, but they may actually oppose your healing when it starts to happen because your remaining as you are meets their need! Two very dependent people each working hard to ensure that their partner never becomes healed because then their need might not be met. And so you find yourself in a situation of two patients with no doctor. Or to put it even better, TWO TICKS NO DOG. That’s a nasty place to be. So here’s what I want to say to you, whether you’re married or single, whether you’re searching or satisfied… Stop searching for the One, be the One.

Are you externally focused? Are you waiting for someone else to satisfy your need for happiness, validation, financial security? Are you already married and praying for the day when your spouse will finally come round and begin to meet your needs? You need to realize that no one else can satisfy our needs except God. And it’s only as he fulfills us and grows us to become who we were created to be, that we can attract other whole and secure people! You need to turn that gaze inward and work on you so that you can be the best you that God created you to be. Stop searching for the One, be the One.

We need to shift focus and deal with our issues and not wait for a Mr/Ms Right to make us perfect. If you don’t take time now to deal with issues from your past, they will only reappear in your relationships at compounded level. If you don’t resolve that issue with your mom, deal with that distance & lack of friendship between your siblings, get healed of that bitterness against your parents… it will only reappear ten times bigger and devour you in your marriage. It doesn’t matter what you put on your list; you will only attract people like you. Only a whole person will attract another whole person. Mr/Mrs Right will not fix you. Relationships are for grownups. Stop searching for the One, be the One.

You see in dating relationships and marriage, God can allow us to meet each other’s needs. But this is only after we have allowed him to meet our need. Without that, you only enter into relationships not to give, but to demand, to manipulate, to get as much from the other person as you possibly can. So ‘stop searching for the One, be the One’.

Next week ‘The Dating Formula’ ~ something you can apply to both dating relationships or to marriage. Please come and bring a friend… But I want to conclude in prayer…

PRAYER

I’m in a difficult space (almost giving up) and need God in my marriage
I have a broken heart from a relationship (married or single) ~ bring my broken heart to the One who can fix it
Single and need to take a break from relationships for this year and allow God to heal me first