I found myself in such a weird space last 2 days. The smallest things just ticked me off, and I spiraled into all this negativity I thought I was over. For instance, we’ve been getting tons of blackouts recently, and yesterday (Sunday) I was trying to like have some quiet time, and I was worshipping along with Hillsong United, and just when I started you know pressing in, the lights go off! The “Christian” thing after a time of worship is to be all Zen, but I was so mad! Like, I was pressing in, and the sound goes off, so I juts unplugged my speakers and tried to go on, but the moment (in my head) was gone. So I tried to see it like a sign from God and tried to do something positive, so I pulled out my journal and tried writing a sermon based on the prodigal son. That quickly flopped and I got even madder.
Then I got even madder because I was missing the wedding show and this was a Will & Kate inspired wedding I was dying to see. I was really, really mad! Well, the lights did end up coming back and I did watch the Ksh. 20 Million wedding, and saw the guy in the Ksh. 3 million Prince Will replica uniform, and my mood did pick up a little.
After a while though, I realized I might have some anger that I haven’t dealt with yet. This is that cleansing year where I deal with all these little, ok big, issues I have, and that’s one of them. If I have some deep seated anger that pops up randomly, shouldn’t I be doing my best to root it out, figure out its cause and fix it?
So, I dove to my knees. Most of the time, when I’m in trouble, that’s all I do. I never have the words to say, but I feel really secure doing that. Anyway, I’m on my knees, saying nothing, just being there, and I realize, I’m like Martha. I’m so caught up in doing things, and getting there and trying to come up with a plan and sticking to it, that I forget that I’m not the plan maker. I get so worried and angry when it doesn’t seem like any of my plan are even possible or wondering when they’ll ever happen and why they haven’t happened yet. I let that anger and discontent about my impossible plans, crowd out this love. Sometimes, I hear a song and the passion is just reignited in me and the love burns in my heart for this amazing God who saved me and who loves me more than I can imagine. In these moments I wonder, what else matters except this love. Is there a way I can bottle up that feeling and carry it around, because I find myself forgetting more than I remember.
Nothing ever goes to plan. You can plan on writing or learning a new song and then the power goes out. You can plan on travelling and you don’t get the chance. You can plan on finishing school one year and end up finishing 3 months later. You can plan on meeting an awesome guy at a set time and meet him 4 years later… (You should know I whimpered and cried a little bit when I wrote that last one) J Anyway, my point is, I need to force my mind sometimes to remember, in the light of the love of the God of the universe, whether the power goes out or not doesn’t matter.
Does that mean I don’t worry anymore or get angry when things don’t go my way, NO. All it means is that, I don’t have to live like one who’s alone. There’s a lot in my life I won’t ever figure out, like why my emotions spiral so dang quickly, or why I am where I am and what happened to lead me here or if this picture or fantasy I have in my head is ever going to come true, but the amazing fact is that God our Love, God is With us, He has overcome. (Yeah, that wasn’t a profound thought; it’s just the song playing on my computer right now, Take Heart by Hillsong United, from the album Aftermath)
I should also mention that apart from the “holy biblical” Martha thing God pretty clearly told me for about the millionth time to quit watching so much TV. In fact I kinda think He emphasized that a lot more than the Martha thing. I get so caught up in other people’s drama sometimes, it really messes me up. I just watched whole seasons of Sherri, GCB, Are You There Chelsea, 6 episodes of Revenge, Greys Anatomy, 30 Rock and Downton Abbey.
Earlier this year, He put it on my heart to delete everything, every last comedy, drama, movie on my computer and my external hard disk. These things cost me money and time, buying and downloading so many episodes of everything! I had over 120 GB of stuff on my computer, all had to go.
First of all, I felt so stupid for deleting everything because I had this thought, “What if I didn’t hear Him right?” “What am I gonna watch?”
Lucky for me, this was the time that I fell in love with Worship and I found all these podcasts to listen to that are changing my life by the way. So, God’s plan worked in that respect.
I kinda felt I was getting a handle on it, so I started buying DVD’s again, and there are days when I feel I have the discipline to say, no, I have to switch this off and have my quiet time now. But then days like yesterday happen, and I realize, this stuff can get out of control, for me. It’s just a gateway to all that drama like I said and that leads to a bunch of other stuff, and it’s not working or worth it for me.
I should finally just accept it and be more disciplined about this. Anyway, I’m going back to my TV fast. For the month of May, I’m taking a break from all that.
No comments:
Post a Comment