Letter To My Teenage Kids Part 1

So, I recently wrote a letter to my niece just to sort of give her advice about teenage hood, and I thought it’d be cool if I blogged parts of it, so that hopefully if blogger is still here in like 20 years, my own teenage daughter can read this…

Hi. How are you? Hope you are doing fine. I just wanted to write you a letter so we could talk. I know it doesn’t seem like I care much about you, because we’ve never sat down and had those one on one conversations sisters have. I have to admit, I sort of distanced myself for you and I shouldn’t have done that. I truly apologize for that, and I hope we can start afresh.

I’m extremely close to my sister and I have to say, that’s helped me through my life and I hope I can do the same for you. I just want us to be able to talk freely and openly especially now during this time when in every teen’s life, you like, don’t feel like you can connect with your parents or family. So, I’ve put a self-addressed envelope in here and its solely for if you want to reply and talk, if you don’t its ok.

Let’s start by saying; you are an extremely smart girl. When you passed your KCPE everyone was so proud of you and I was telling my friends about it, and I know your parents were happy too. I remember my mum telling you, if anyone can change your family it’s you. Then you went to school, and saw all these girls who were from different backgrounds as you. I remember for myself, I didn’t know where to fit in. I’ve always been part of the popular crowd, since nursery even, but in High School, especially before I joined First Aid, I didn’t know if I was supposed to be in the popular-pretty crowd, or the popular-smart crowd, or the Christian crowd or what. One thing that I thank God I realized was that I was all those things, pretty, smart, Christian and I didn’t have to fit into anyone’s group to prove it. Honestly rolling with the Christian crowd in my school wasn’t all that, because I feel like I’m more into laid-back, rock-loving Christian and my school was speaking-in-tongues, holy-laughter Christians. The pretty girls were mean and the smart girls were too smart.

***Part 2 Tomorrow***

On A Mission

Today at Church, we learnt how, we usually jump through jobs, and relationships and even churches because we don't know who we are or what we stand for. Pastor Linda actually said, "we meander through life and end up with regrets because we don't know what we really are about."

If anyone rides the regret roller-coaster, its definitely ME! It's a bad habit that I'm trying to kick, but I'm also not blind to the fact that I have made choices that I regret about not taking advantage of some opportunities, not hunting other opportunities down and just all those other mistakes I made because I was focused on the wrong things.

We read Exodus 3:16-22 and it tells us how we're called to "travel the world and worship" (OK, that was my interpretation! LOL) But she said, we exist to do two things

1. To enter into a relationship with God (Worship)
2. To tell the world about Him through our lives (Witness)

For the Israelites (and for me) a couple of things stand in the way of that:

1. A defeated Spirit - Slavery felt like their portion in life
2. Convenience - Better the devil you know than the angel you don't...
3. External Resistance - Pharaoh wanted them to stay right where they were and continue serving him

But, what would have happened if the Israelites let these obstacles get to them? If we choose to stick with the status quo of the familiar, we too stand to miss out on the big things that God has in store for us!


So, to quote Pastor L:

"Life is not about a good existence, it’s about being what God is calling us to be. If we fail to see a mission beyond serving our own needs, we fail – we don’t understand what God called the church to do. Church is a mission organization. Compared with the natural body and what the different body parts do, the body of Christ also has parts that serve different missions. Are you part of this mission or not? We are a mission organization. If you are complaining and griping, the problem is you. Other churches all exist to accomplish a specific mission


This Is Not A Club, We’re On A Mission!


Mavuno is not here to make you comfortable. The mission of Mavuno is – "Turning Ordinary People Into Fearless Influencers Of Society!" Here at Mavuno we will push you to get so uncomfortable that you do something about your world’s situation. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to be the fearless influencer that God intended for you to be!


Ok, so given this information...how does this apply to my life. First off, I don't know if I've ever told anyone this, but my first C.R.E class in High School was pretty emotional, I don't remember but I think the teacher asked us to share stories and one girl's story was so sad that when it was my turn to speak, I talked and talked and said "I want to be a Pastor" and it was such a crazy experience I don't even know how I ended up saying that and I was SOOOO embarrassed and had to carry that label for a few months...

Years later, I'm in college and I ended up changing my major to Marketing because after my internship I discovered I'm good, great at Customer Relations and I have a passion for it.That's my career choice, because every Kenyan knows, your parents didn't pay 12 years of school so you end up without a career.

Photo: acquirethefire.com

But I'm finding myself drawn or and more to Ministry. I want to give people hope and encouragement.I want to teach relevant messages the way I was taught. I want to help a kid avoid the same mistakes I made. My dream is to host HUGE youth conferences like Greg Laurie or Ron Luce and tour around the city bringing relevant speakers, showcase great dramatic talent and great worship music not just entertainment music. Does that mean I should take up youth ministry?

Photo: greglaurie.com

I also write songs and I think I'm a pretty decent singer. I want to lead worship like Kim Walker-Smith and Chris Quilala from Jesus Culture. I want my conferences to have a huge band devoted to making great worship music, high quality global worship music. Let the world add our songs to their worship play-lists. Does that mean I should take up Worship?

Photo: jesusculture.com 

                                                                                           Photo: jesusculture.com 

I blog. I tweet. I try my best to form Social Network Connections...so what is that?

I love kids. I want a family. I want to be an awesome, encouraging wife and a great mom. And I see myself as a "leave and cleave-doing anything for my hubby" kind of person. Like, is his work in a different city? "Yeah, hun, let's go." I mean, that's my family! So, how does that work, being a wife and mom and being this person living her life?

I'm definitely one of those confused people not in the sense of not knowing what to do, but not knowing what to choose and how this thing works. Hope I get some clarity on that as the series progresses.


xo Jo

New Eye-wear

This is a pretty fluff post, but I bought 2 new pairs of shades!!! Hehehe

Trust In A Wonderful Maker

On Raha and Life I always talk about how committing to God made such a huge difference in my life and how it’s a daily commitment, mostly because I have such a fear of losing my freedom that he gave me. I can’t lose Christ. That’s just where I’m at right now. I’ve done a great job at trying, like I gave up praying and reading the Bible for the past couple of weeks, so in terms of a daily active relationship, I’ve totally failed. Despite all that, He kept me strong in situations that I wouldn’t have survived in otherwise. But today, I want to stand and say, I’m recommitting, making God my top focus. I know this is totally corny and I don’t even know if I mean it like from the bottom of my heart or whatever, but, that’s just what I’m feeling, and the best I can do is start from where I am.

Today I want to look at two songs, one is called Trust in You by Jeremy Camp, and the other is Wonderful Maker also by Jeremy Camp, from the album, “Carried Me: The Worship Project” First of all I love this album, it’s like total 100% worship, and 100% rock. Nothing better…at least not to me! This is the type of music I love…I mean yeah I also love the songs that aren’t in your face and that make you think, like Switchfoot, but there’s something about just raw worship, it’s a different type of passion in the vocals and instruments. Another thing I love is the deliberate attempts at bringing all the elements together. This is my album of the week, especially now with what I’m going through and the changes I want to effect. What I also love about the album, it’s about our relationship with an unseen God, and walking by faith. It acknowledges the pain that we go through as Christians and how hard it gets at times when things don’t go how we’d expect them to. It’s not all, like some happy yuppie, Christian life is perfect, it’s honest music from an open heart and surrendered spirit, and that’s what I love most about Jeremy Camp, he’s gone through a lot personally in his life and because he’s still standing, you know God heard him, same way He’ll hear us. This is one album, you all have to get. It’s a perfect play-in-the-car-driving-to-church album. Here’s a bit of the lyrics…

Trust In You

When I can't see You I know You're there, when I can't feel You I will not fear, I will trust in You and I will not be afraid.

When the battle is close at hand, You're with me and help me stand, I will trust in You and I will not be afraid.

When the darkness is close at hand and I'm running against the wind, I will trust in you and I will not be afraid.

When I'm standing upon that shore, all the battles I've gone before, I will trust in you, and I will not be afraid.

Wonderful Maker is just an all-out worship song,

What a wonderful maker

What a wonderful Savior

How majestic are your whispers

And how humble your love

With a strength like no other

And the heart of a father

How majestic are your whispers

What a wonderful God

Chocolate Cake Recipe

I discovered a new talent...I can make a mean chocolate cake. I made this cake this past Monday and my mom and I ate the last 3 slices last night. 

I had to use my phone camera because I haven't gotten around to replacing my camera's batteries...

Mm-Mm-Mm Chocolate Cake with Chocolate-Strawberry Frosting

CHOCOLATE CAKE

½ Cup Sugar

1 Cup Drinking Chocolate

1 ¾ Cup All-Purpose Flour

1 ½ Teaspoon Baking Powder

1 ½ Teaspoon Baking Soda

1 Teaspoon Salt

1 Cup Milk

½ Cup Vegetable Oil

2 Eggs

1 Cup Boiling Water

2 Teaspoons vanilla essence

1.       Preheat Oven

2.       Mix the dry ingredients. I went with sugar then flour then drinking chocolate then baking powder, baking soda and salt. It’s SO important to add the salt, it gives it an extra oomph and makes the flavor come out. Then stir them all together till everything looks light brown, i.e. the flour and drinking chocolate totally mixed up.

3.       Mix the wet ingredients except for the boiling water. I did, milk, and then eggs, then vegetable oil and the vanilla essence. I just beat it with a fork till the eggs mixed in.

4.       Pour in the wet ingredients over the top of the dry. I used my hand mixer on the highest power (my mixer’s broken, and the only power that works is the highest, but it served its purpose) On a normal mixer, I’d do about Power Medium. Mix it for about 3 minutes, then add your boiling water and mix it for about a minute. It should be pretty runny, don’t freak out, if it’s the consistency of just a little thicker than hot cocoa, you’re fine.

5.       Grease and flour your baking pan. I used margarine and corn flour. Probably a little too much margarine because I didn’t want it to stick, but this is to your judgment. The flour didn’t really help much, but it’s what bakers do, so I did it.

6.       Bake it for 30-35 minutes or until a butter knife through the middle of it comes out clean.

7.       Don’t freak out and open your oven if you peek in and see it sort of bubbling over, that’s how it goes because of the consistency. It will settle back down.

8.       Don’t freak out if its soft to the touch/spongy, that’s good. It means you have a moist cake. But again, this is to your discretion, if it’s TOO soft, it might not be done so do the knife test.

9.       Once done, take it out and let it cool for about 20 minutes.

10.   Turn it over onto a rack and let it cool for another hour.

11.   Cut in half horizontally, and carefully, because it’s so soft, you might break it, turn the top half over onto a plate

12.   Generously pour the icing over the bottom half of the cake and smooth over. If you have strawberries, you’d add thin slices here too.

13.   Replace the top half and frost all over with the strawberry chocolate filling. Again, you can decorate with sliced strawberries and make it look pretty and save this from being totally unhealthy with that little burst of vitamin C. ( JTihihi)

14.   Put in the fridge to set for about an hour, or again, to your discretion, until it sets.

15.   Serve with love. Garnished with strawberries.

NB. You might want to trace knife lines of about 12 slices just to give people an idea of what each serving size should be. The new, healthy me, recommends 1 thin slice per person.

STRAWBERRY CHOCOLATE FILLING

Drinking Chocolate

2 Teaspoons Strawberry Essence

Water

1.       Put the drinking chocolate (as much as you think you’ll need) I used about ¾ cup into a small mixing bowl.

2.       Add the 2 teaspoons vanilla essence and mix until incorporated

3.       Add water until consistency is thick, but smooth enough to be spread.

Buyers Remorse

Part 3 of the sermon series going on at church. Again, I'll re-blog it or you can watch Pastor M below...


Have you ever bought something that at the time seemed like a great idea then and then later regretted it? Buyer’s remorse is that sense of regret that comes after having made a purchase. You bought something that looked really good in the shop and that made absolute sense at the time but after you bought it, you wondered what you were thinking!

Did you know that many are experiencing ‘buyer’s remorse’ in their relationships today? Many people are walking around shattered and wounded. They gave their hearts to another person, only to have him or her trample on it and return it to sender. Where once there was the excitement of romance, today, they can’t stand the sight of the other person. Instead, emotional scars, broken hearts, baby mommas and daddies, abortions, manipulation and the bitterness of betrayal are what remain: In other words, buyer’s remorse. Many married people also feel trapped in marriages to people they realize they should never have dated. They’re suffering from ‘buyer’s remorse’. How can we avoid sabotaging our relationships and ending up with a serious case of buyer’s remorse? This is what we want to talk about today.

There’s a tragic story in the book of 2 Samuel about a young man who rushed into a relationship, and not only suffered an acute case of ‘buyer’s remorse’, but also destroyed his life in the process.


READ 2 Sam. 13:1-10

Firstborn among King David’s 19 sons (1Chr.3:1-9), Amnon was the crown prince of Israel. Our story happens at a time when his father had defeated all their enemies and the country had entered a season of peace and prosperity. As the next king of Israel, Amnon’s future was bright and the sky was the limit.

But that was until he fell head over heels in love with a beautiful woman. He was so smitten by her that all he could think about day or night was being by her side. Life went into slow motion, and every time he closed her eyes, he saw her face and imagined what it would be like to just be by her side. He was so obsessed with the lady that the bible tells us that he was ‘frustrated to the point of illness’.

READ 2 Sam.13:11-21

One clear thing I want to focus on in this story is the clear and present danger of being led by our feelings when it comes to romantic relationships. Today many are accelerating from infatuation to intimacy, bypassing everything in between, unaware of how destructive this approach is to their hope of ever finding an intimate relationship that works. From our passage, I see several problems of basing a relationship on feelings rather than on genuine friendship …

1. Its Impossible To Truly Know The Other Person
v.2 ‘Amnon became frustrated to the point of illness on account of his sister Tamar’ v.17 ‘He called his personal servant and said “Get this woman out of here and bolt the door after her”.’ One minute he was obsessed about her. The next, she was ‘this woman’. One minute she was all he could think about. The next, he didn’t even like her and wanted her out of his sight. BTW, does this sound familiar anybody?

Basing your relationship on feelings hinders your ability to truly know the other person. It creates an artificial environment for two people to interact. Too many couples rush from acquaintance to intimacy to marriage without truly getting to know each other. They’re literally strangers! They say they’re in love with each other but like Amnon, they’re actually in love with the feeling they get from being with the other person. In other words, they’re in love… with being in love! And so they rush into emotional and sexual involvement without ever taking the time to know who the other person truly is. ‘I’m so in love with this her and he’s so much fun to be with; this time I just know we’re going to live happily ever after!’

But here’s the problem… Being fun on a date does not necessarily equate with the ability to be a good marriage partner. You need to see the other person in the real-life settings of church, family and friends. How does he interact with the people who know him best? How does she react when things don’t go perfectly? What is his relationship with his mother and sisters like? Who are her really good friends? Two years into your marriage, these are the questions that will really count — they have to do with character, not feelings! So to avoid buyer’s remorse, friendship must come before intimacy. Or to put it differently, socialize before you specialize! The 2nd problem of basing a relationship on feelings is that…

2. It Isolates You From Vital Friendships
v.9 ‘Send everyone out of here’ Amnon quickly set the stage for what he was intending to do. When Tamar realized his plans, she pleaded with him in v.13 ‘Please speak to the king, he will not keep me from being married to you’. The reality however was that Amnon was not interested in what others thought but only in satisfying his immediate needs. Many couples today are just like Amnon. They pair off, isolating themselves, rushing into intimacy. They are so in love they really don’t want to know what their friends or relatives or workmates have to say. And they don’t care! Some eventually do come and ask for advice but you can see they’ve already decided on their course of action and they’re just looking for an endorsement!

[‘Pastor M, I really love her, what do you think?’ You don’t care what I think, you’ve already made your decision!] The problem is that their emotions are so loud that they cannot hear the people around them.

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The Hollywood picture of relationships is two people focusing exclusively on each other. Many young couples today isolate themselves and cut off from their friends. They spend every waking moment that they can together, looking deeply into each other’s eyes and a few weeks after they meet are already discussing intimate details like how they’ll make beautiful babies together. This is premature intimacy!

Perhaps you’ve done a similar thing. You rushed too quickly into very close intimacy, isolating the friends and family members who love and know you the most. In that situation, it’s extremely likely that you will lose perspective and make poor judgments like Amnon. Proverbs 15:22 says, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” To avoid buyer’s remorse, friendship must come before intimacy. Socialize before you specialize! The 3rd problem of basing a relationship on feelings rather than genuine friendship is…

3. It Can Sabotage Your Destiny
v.22 ‘Absalom never said a word to Amnon, either good or bad; he hated Amnon because he had disgraced his sister Tamar’. These are ominous words, setting the stage for a sequel. And sure enough if you read on, you find that Absalom, Tamar’s brother, bid his time from that day and when he judged the moment as right, he killed Amnon. This young man who was destined to be the successor to King David never lived to wear the crown. His own foolishness sabotaged his God-given mission and led to his death. And even worse, not only did he sabotage his own destiny but he destroyed Tamar’s destiny as well.

Many today are bleeding and hurting. They rushed into premature intimacy rather than first building on a foundation of friendship. As a result, they’re so caught up with the consequences of broken relationships that they’ve completely detoured form their purpose. And in the process, some have left a trail of broken, bleeding people behind them. It’s time to stop the madness! To avoid buyer’s remorse, friendship must come before intimacy. Socialize before you specialize!

…

So how do we avoid rushing too quickly into intimacy? How do we grow our friendship? Here are 3 arenas you need to focus on with the other person before you agree to take it to the next level…

1. Social Arena
Once it’s clear you’re interested in someone, instead of both abandoning your existing relationships and clinging to each other, you need to begin by inviting each other into your social circles! Start with a season where you don’t spend time alone, but you spend it together with your friends. A great idea at such a time is to invite the person to join your Life Group. This way they get to know your friends really well. You socialize not just with each other but with others in a group setting, releasing the pressure from both of you. This helps you get to know the other person’s world. Do this for several months without expectation. With time if you decide to take it to the next level, you can then plan to meet regularly to get to know each other. But do it only in a public place, not at each other’s houses and limit the number of times you do this every week so you don’t crowd out other relationships that you are in together.

2. Intellectual Arena
This involves learning to communicate. Many couples rush into intimacy because they spend their time complimenting each other and saying sweet nothings to each other. To prepare for a lifetime together, you must learn to communicate! Once you decide to start meeting regularly, don’t just meet to look into each other’s eyes. A great way to expand your communication is to read books and then discuss them together. This is a great way to expand your vocabulary and get to know the other person’s opinions and interests. There are many great books you can read but two I want to recommend are by an author named Joshua Harris. The first is ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’ and the other is ‘Boy Meets Girl’. We’ll have both on sale after the service.

Even for those already married, you still need to continue to grow together intellectually. Carol and I have done this for years and still read and discuss the books we read. It allows us to have a lot more to talk about than just what’s going on at work and with the children! You must be interested enough to understand your partner’s professional world and to share their recreational interests. How are you growing together intellectually? Socialize before you specialize! The 3rd area to grow your friendship is the …

3. Spiritual Arena
This sets the foundation for spiritual oneness which will help you weather whatever storms that life will throw at you in the future. How do you begin to grow spiritually together? You can join Mizizi or Ndoa together, or share your experiences as you read the Bible. You can resolve to serve in a ministry team together which is a great foundation for a life of service together. How are you growing together spiritually? Socialize before you specialize!

Be The One

Hi, I just love the series that's going on at my church this month and rather than try and explain it, I'll just re-blog the whole sermon here because it speaks for itself, or you can watch the video.

Is there a better way to find Mr/Ms Right? Today we’re starting off a new series called ‘Finders Keepers: how to find and keep the One’. We want to learn some foundational principles from scripture about how to enter and conduct healthy romantic relationships. Some of us are hoping to enter such relationships and I pray this month will help you learn how to prepare for one. Some of us are already in a relationship or are married and I pray this month will give you a great opportunity to evaluate your relationship and learn how to grow it. Some of us are not interested in a romantic relationship; we’ve been hurt by one or we’re just not ready. And that’s fine too – I pray you’ll have a chance to learn more about yourself and the type of person God wants you to be.

Read Genesis 29:31-35 [NIV]


Sometimes the bible has more drama than a Mexican soap-opera! I mean imagine you are watching ‘Triumfo de Amor’ (the triumph of love)… this hunk Jacobinho meets beautiful Rachelitta and falls madly in love. But unfortunately, her dad is so obsessed with money that he sets an impossible bride-price: ‘work 7 years for free in my company and then you can marry my baby’ (okay, so maybe it’s not a Mexican soap, it’s a kyuk soap!). Jacobinho is so in love that he willingly accepts the exorbitant terms and gets to work! The years pass by slowly but he never gives up. Seven tough years later, he shows up and reminds his boss of his promise. To his joy, his boss says ‘yes’ and even agrees to pay for the wedding fiesta. The day finally comes. Now in that culture, you don’t see the brides face because she’s in a veil the whole day. And so you’d go into the honeymoon night without having seen her face. The following morning, the sun comes up; our dude wakes up, reaches out to his bride, and is shocked to discover that the woman next to him is Rachelitta’s older sister. He screams! He’s been conned by his conniving boss! Angrily, he storms out of his tent to confront his dad in law and accuses him of deception. The older man listens to him calmly and then explains that in their custom, the younger daughter can’t be married before her older sister. It’s just not right! Surely, he should have known that! So he advises him to go back to his bride and finish their honeymoon and then come back next week and do wedding #2, on condition he’d be willing to work another 7 years for Rachelitta! And so young Jacobinho, driven by love for Rachelitta becomes the first person in history to have two weddings and two honeymoons back to back.

The bible clearly says that ‘Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah’. Can you imagine being in Leah’s shoes? She had grown up with a squint – the bible refers to her condition as ‘weak eyes’ – and it had probably damaged her self esteem. She had grown up seeing her younger sister being admired by all the neighborhood boys while they treated her like she was just one of the guys. They’d send her with love notes to her sister! And now that she was finally married to the man she most admired, she had to live with the knowledge that her husband felt conned to be with her, and that his heart belonged to another woman. Not a good start to any marriage!

Like any young lady her age, Leah had desires that she expected her man to satisfy. She wanted a knight in shining armor, who would love her, would be attached to her, and who would spend quality time with her, and who would rescue her from low self esteem. She may not have been as beautiful as her sister but she had a competitive advantage that her sister did not have – and that was her ability to get babies. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach but back then (and in many cases even today) having a baby was a powerful way to hook a guy. So she started having babies and named her first son Reuben or ‘he has seen my misery’, saying, ‘It is because the Lord has seen my misery. Surely my husband will love me now’. Unfortunately, didn’t work; she still didn’t feel loved. And so she had another son whom she named Simon or ‘one who hears’ – ‘because the LORD heard that I am not loved, he gave me this one too’. Now Albert Einstein once said that ‘insanity is doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result each time! Leah was still hoping for a different result! Her insanity continued with baby number three whom she called Levi or ‘attached’, saying, ‘now at last my husband will become attached to me because I have borne him three sons’. What?!

Lest we wonder how crazy this lady was, I want to say that her story is not as uncommon as we might think. As a generation, we’ve grown up believing in the mantra ‘if it feels good, do it!’ Life is about the pursuit of happiness. We look for a spouse who will make us happy or feel good. I’m looking for a husband coz I got needs! I’m looking for a wife because it’s time for me to settle down. And that’s why many in our generation think that you should cohabit before you get married. Sort of like a test drive. I mean what’s wrong with ensuring that the other person actually has what it takes to keep you happy?

The problem however, is that human beings are not cars! Humans perform differently in test conditions than they do in real life. As long as there’s no commitment and the other person can walk out any time, then it’s impossible to be completely vulnerable and be yourself with them. We’ve just too much to lose! So regardless of how long you ‘test’, you’ll never really know what the drive is like until after you’ve signed the papers and left the shop! Many marriages today are breaking after only a few months and people say ‘we’re incompatible’ which is the same as ‘she’s not making me happy’. Even among those who choose not to leave each other, many have given up on their marriages when they realized they just weren’t delivering happiness.

The problem with this thinking is that it’s all about what the other person can give to me. It’s externally focused because it’s about waiting for the right person and not about being the right person. But Leah’s story teaches us that if you operate by that external focus, then your only choice once you finally meet the person of your dreams is manipulation. You’re going to have to keep pushing them to get what you want. And it never ends. Over and over again Leah tried to get satisfaction from her husband but only got disappointed. Before she realized that only God can satisfy, her heart had been broken into a million pieces. Many of us are moving into relationships looking for our needs to be satisfied. We have transferred the responsibility for our joy/significance/happiness/self esteem to another person. But this is a burden we should never assign to another human being because they’re bound to disappoint.

And this was Leah’s realization. She realized that it didn’t matter how many babies she got, it wouldn’t cause husband to love her more. And so she stopped the insanity, and named her fourth son Judah, which means ‘praise’ saying ‘this time I will praise the LORD’. She realized that the basis of her relationship could not be what she could get out of her husband. She realized he wouldn’t satisfy her anyway; only God could. And so she shifted from trying to manipulate her husband and she turned her focus to God.

Change your focus! It’s only when we turn to God that He helps us to become the person we were meant to be. Sadly in the next chapter, Leah forgot her lesson; her old insecurities crept back and she found herself in a baby race with her only sister. She even stooped as low as paying her sister with food to get extra nights with her husband. It’s apparent that the demons of her past had not been exorcised.

Let me put it starkly… clingy, desperate women tend to attract uncaring, insensitive men… and vice versa! It’s just the way it is! You see, like attracts like. A relationship only compounds the state it found you in. If you are lonely, you’ll marry another lonely person and each of you will demand that the other provide companionship that they’re incapable of giving (that’s why they got married in the first place!) If you’re broken, you’ll marry another broken person and each will demand that the other heal them first.

Unhealthy people attract other unhealthy people, with complimentary dysfunctions. For example, people with addictions tend to be attracted to people who are co-dependent i.e. rescuers who have a need to be needed. And the worst thing is, your spouse will not only not be able to heal you, but they may actually oppose your healing when it starts to happen because your remaining as you are meets their need! Two very dependent people each working hard to ensure that their partner never becomes healed because then their need might not be met. And so you find yourself in a situation of two patients with no doctor. Or to put it even better, TWO TICKS NO DOG. That’s a nasty place to be. So here’s what I want to say to you, whether you’re married or single, whether you’re searching or satisfied… Stop searching for the One, be the One.

Are you externally focused? Are you waiting for someone else to satisfy your need for happiness, validation, financial security? Are you already married and praying for the day when your spouse will finally come round and begin to meet your needs? You need to realize that no one else can satisfy our needs except God. And it’s only as he fulfills us and grows us to become who we were created to be, that we can attract other whole and secure people! You need to turn that gaze inward and work on you so that you can be the best you that God created you to be. Stop searching for the One, be the One.

We need to shift focus and deal with our issues and not wait for a Mr/Ms Right to make us perfect. If you don’t take time now to deal with issues from your past, they will only reappear in your relationships at compounded level. If you don’t resolve that issue with your mom, deal with that distance & lack of friendship between your siblings, get healed of that bitterness against your parents… it will only reappear ten times bigger and devour you in your marriage. It doesn’t matter what you put on your list; you will only attract people like you. Only a whole person will attract another whole person. Mr/Mrs Right will not fix you. Relationships are for grownups. Stop searching for the One, be the One.

You see in dating relationships and marriage, God can allow us to meet each other’s needs. But this is only after we have allowed him to meet our need. Without that, you only enter into relationships not to give, but to demand, to manipulate, to get as much from the other person as you possibly can. So ‘stop searching for the One, be the One’.

Next week ‘The Dating Formula’ ~ something you can apply to both dating relationships or to marriage. Please come and bring a friend… But I want to conclude in prayer…

PRAYER

I’m in a difficult space (almost giving up) and need God in my marriage
I have a broken heart from a relationship (married or single) ~ bring my broken heart to the One who can fix it
Single and need to take a break from relationships for this year and allow God to heal me first