Since the day I got to the airport to get on my flight from Nairobi to here, I've felt a little foggy. I unintentionally disconnected my heart and my mind. I didn't want to feel all the emotion of this dream come true. I have this weird fear of crying as almost all of my friends and my intern have pointed out!
This all just hit me this weekend. Tears galore!
I've been dreaming about coming to California since TBN came to Kenya. At 10 years old, I was a TBN partner and I got merch & newsletters from them. My dream has been to work in Church for longer than I can remember. Playing pretend & imaginary friends for me was pretending I was a pastor's wife and holding my doll's hands to church. In High School, when they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up, I raised my hand and said a pastor! Even earlier this year, I'd write sermons & record myself speaking in the hallways of my house. These were my dreams.
I've been feeling unworthy because of the mistakes I made between my 10 year old self and now, and paying attention to the enemy's lies, "you're not good enough", "you're not worth the investment", "why you?", instead of paying attention to the truth that God has had a plan for me since I was a child. Everything He created me like, my weird quirks and all the stuff that I never understood, has been to lead me to these moments.
Isn't that exactly who He is though? Isn't that exactly what He has always been in the Bible? Doesn't He always have a good plan for His children? We say "God is good, all the time, all the time God is good" every Sunday at Church. So why is it that we never recognize His goodness or pray for His goodness? Why is it that when we actually get what we pray for, we feel unworthy of it? Are we undeserving? Absolutely! That's why grace is undeserved favor, we do nothing to get it. But we are not unworthy. We are worthy by virtue of being His creation. "For God so loved the world" He loved us before anything. He loved us before we knew we needed love.
God is Good and that's ok. It's more than ok. It's who He is.
Why be joyous in God's goodness when there's so much suffering in the world? Short answer is, how can I give what I haven't received? How can I preach about a good God without experiencing a good God? I know hard times, I know people are right now being persecuted for believing in my God. I know only having $20 in your bank account and wondering how you'll make ends meet even while loving a good God.
But, on the other hand, how can I preach a God who dreams prosperous dreams for us without receiving His prosperity. How can I break open prison doors if I'm also on the inside? How can I heal the sick if I'm still sick? (James 3:12, can a fig tree produce olives?) Most importantly how can I love the people who are not prosperous, who are in prison, who are sick, without ever being on the other side of it and therefore having compassion for their experience & knowledge of the path to lead them out of it.
My point today is to celebrate God and tell Him, I'm not scared of being loved on. I'm setting my heart in a posture to receive. This is my response to grace, not fear, not unworthiness, but thankfulness and a desire for more, this is what I was made for. To love & be loved by God so I can love others.*
No more going through the motions, acting blase about everything instead of celebrating and living every moment powerfully & stepping out and into everything I'm being taught to do.
*James 4:2-3 Ask with pure motives
This all just hit me this weekend. Tears galore!
I've been dreaming about coming to California since TBN came to Kenya. At 10 years old, I was a TBN partner and I got merch & newsletters from them. My dream has been to work in Church for longer than I can remember. Playing pretend & imaginary friends for me was pretending I was a pastor's wife and holding my doll's hands to church. In High School, when they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up, I raised my hand and said a pastor! Even earlier this year, I'd write sermons & record myself speaking in the hallways of my house. These were my dreams.
I've been feeling unworthy because of the mistakes I made between my 10 year old self and now, and paying attention to the enemy's lies, "you're not good enough", "you're not worth the investment", "why you?", instead of paying attention to the truth that God has had a plan for me since I was a child. Everything He created me like, my weird quirks and all the stuff that I never understood, has been to lead me to these moments.
I'm standing in the hands of the miracle maker!
Isn't that exactly who He is though? Isn't that exactly what He has always been in the Bible? Doesn't He always have a good plan for His children? We say "God is good, all the time, all the time God is good" every Sunday at Church. So why is it that we never recognize His goodness or pray for His goodness? Why is it that when we actually get what we pray for, we feel unworthy of it? Are we undeserving? Absolutely! That's why grace is undeserved favor, we do nothing to get it. But we are not unworthy. We are worthy by virtue of being His creation. "For God so loved the world" He loved us before anything. He loved us before we knew we needed love.
God is Good and that's ok. It's more than ok. It's who He is.
Why be joyous in God's goodness when there's so much suffering in the world? Short answer is, how can I give what I haven't received? How can I preach about a good God without experiencing a good God? I know hard times, I know people are right now being persecuted for believing in my God. I know only having $20 in your bank account and wondering how you'll make ends meet even while loving a good God.
But, on the other hand, how can I preach a God who dreams prosperous dreams for us without receiving His prosperity. How can I break open prison doors if I'm also on the inside? How can I heal the sick if I'm still sick? (James 3:12, can a fig tree produce olives?) Most importantly how can I love the people who are not prosperous, who are in prison, who are sick, without ever being on the other side of it and therefore having compassion for their experience & knowledge of the path to lead them out of it.
My point today is to celebrate God and tell Him, I'm not scared of being loved on. I'm setting my heart in a posture to receive. This is my response to grace, not fear, not unworthiness, but thankfulness and a desire for more, this is what I was made for. To love & be loved by God so I can love others.*
No more going through the motions, acting blase about everything instead of celebrating and living every moment powerfully & stepping out and into everything I'm being taught to do.
*James 4:2-3 Ask with pure motives
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