Part 3 of the sermon series going on at church. Again, I'll re-blog it or you can watch Pastor M below...
Have you ever bought something that at the time seemed like a great idea then and then later regretted it? Buyer’s remorse is that sense of regret that comes after having made a purchase. You bought something that looked really good in the shop and that made absolute sense at the time but after you bought it, you wondered what you were thinking!
Did you know that many are experiencing ‘buyer’s remorse’ in their relationships today? Many people are walking around shattered and wounded. They gave their hearts to another person, only to have him or her trample on it and return it to sender. Where once there was the excitement of romance, today, they can’t stand the sight of the other person. Instead, emotional scars, broken hearts, baby mommas and daddies, abortions, manipulation and the bitterness of betrayal are what remain: In other words, buyer’s remorse. Many married people also feel trapped in marriages to people they realize they should never have dated. They’re suffering from ‘buyer’s remorse’. How can we avoid sabotaging our relationships and ending up with a serious case of buyer’s remorse? This is what we want to talk about today.
There’s a tragic story in the book of 2 Samuel about a young man who rushed into a relationship, and not only suffered an acute case of ‘buyer’s remorse’, but also destroyed his life in the process.
READ 2 Sam. 13:1-10
Firstborn among King David’s 19 sons (1Chr.3:1-9), Amnon was the crown prince of Israel. Our story happens at a time when his father had defeated all their enemies and the country had entered a season of peace and prosperity. As the next king of Israel, Amnon’s future was bright and the sky was the limit.
But that was until he fell head over heels in love with a beautiful woman. He was so smitten by her that all he could think about day or night was being by her side. Life went into slow motion, and every time he closed her eyes, he saw her face and imagined what it would be like to just be by her side. He was so obsessed with the lady that the bible tells us that he was ‘frustrated to the point of illness’.
READ 2 Sam.13:11-21
One clear thing I want to focus on in this story is the clear and present danger of being led by our feelings when it comes to romantic relationships. Today many are accelerating from infatuation to intimacy, bypassing everything in between, unaware of how destructive this approach is to their hope of ever finding an intimate relationship that works. From our passage, I see several problems of basing a relationship on feelings rather than on genuine friendship …
1. Its Impossible To Truly Know The Other Person
v.2 ‘Amnon became frustrated to the point of illness on account of his sister Tamar’ v.17 ‘He called his personal servant and said “Get this woman out of here and bolt the door after her”.’ One minute he was obsessed about her. The next, she was ‘this woman’. One minute she was all he could think about. The next, he didn’t even like her and wanted her out of his sight. BTW, does this sound familiar anybody?
Basing your relationship on feelings hinders your ability to truly know the other person. It creates an artificial environment for two people to interact. Too many couples rush from acquaintance to intimacy to marriage without truly getting to know each other. They’re literally strangers! They say they’re in love with each other but like Amnon, they’re actually in love with the feeling they get from being with the other person. In other words, they’re in love… with being in love! And so they rush into emotional and sexual involvement without ever taking the time to know who the other person truly is. ‘I’m so in love with this her and he’s so much fun to be with; this time I just know we’re going to live happily ever after!’
But here’s the problem… Being fun on a date does not necessarily equate with the ability to be a good marriage partner. You need to see the other person in the real-life settings of church, family and friends. How does he interact with the people who know him best? How does she react when things don’t go perfectly? What is his relationship with his mother and sisters like? Who are her really good friends? Two years into your marriage, these are the questions that will really count — they have to do with character, not feelings! So to avoid buyer’s remorse, friendship must come before intimacy. Or to put it differently, socialize before you specialize! The 2nd problem of basing a relationship on feelings is that…
2. It Isolates You From Vital Friendships
v.9 ‘Send everyone out of here’ Amnon quickly set the stage for what he was intending to do. When Tamar realized his plans, she pleaded with him in v.13 ‘Please speak to the king, he will not keep me from being married to you’. The reality however was that Amnon was not interested in what others thought but only in satisfying his immediate needs. Many couples today are just like Amnon. They pair off, isolating themselves, rushing into intimacy. They are so in love they really don’t want to know what their friends or relatives or workmates have to say. And they don’t care! Some eventually do come and ask for advice but you can see they’ve already decided on their course of action and they’re just looking for an endorsement!
[‘Pastor M, I really love her, what do you think?’ You don’t care what I think, you’ve already made your decision!] The problem is that their emotions are so loud that they cannot hear the people around them.
The Hollywood picture of relationships is two people focusing exclusively on each other. Many young couples today isolate themselves and cut off from their friends. They spend every waking moment that they can together, looking deeply into each other’s eyes and a few weeks after they meet are already discussing intimate details like how they’ll make beautiful babies together. This is premature intimacy!
Perhaps you’ve done a similar thing. You rushed too quickly into very close intimacy, isolating the friends and family members who love and know you the most. In that situation, it’s extremely likely that you will lose perspective and make poor judgments like Amnon. Proverbs 15:22 says, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” To avoid buyer’s remorse, friendship must come before intimacy. Socialize before you specialize! The 3rd problem of basing a relationship on feelings rather than genuine friendship is…
3. It Can Sabotage Your Destiny
v.22 ‘Absalom never said a word to Amnon, either good or bad; he hated Amnon because he had disgraced his sister Tamar’. These are ominous words, setting the stage for a sequel. And sure enough if you read on, you find that Absalom, Tamar’s brother, bid his time from that day and when he judged the moment as right, he killed Amnon. This young man who was destined to be the successor to King David never lived to wear the crown. His own foolishness sabotaged his God-given mission and led to his death. And even worse, not only did he sabotage his own destiny but he destroyed Tamar’s destiny as well.
Many today are bleeding and hurting. They rushed into premature intimacy rather than first building on a foundation of friendship. As a result, they’re so caught up with the consequences of broken relationships that they’ve completely detoured form their purpose. And in the process, some have left a trail of broken, bleeding people behind them. It’s time to stop the madness! To avoid buyer’s remorse, friendship must come before intimacy. Socialize before you specialize!
…
So how do we avoid rushing too quickly into intimacy? How do we grow our friendship? Here are 3 arenas you need to focus on with the other person before you agree to take it to the next level…
1. Social Arena
Once it’s clear you’re interested in someone, instead of both abandoning your existing relationships and clinging to each other, you need to begin by inviting each other into your social circles! Start with a season where you don’t spend time alone, but you spend it together with your friends. A great idea at such a time is to invite the person to join your Life Group. This way they get to know your friends really well. You socialize not just with each other but with others in a group setting, releasing the pressure from both of you. This helps you get to know the other person’s world. Do this for several months without expectation. With time if you decide to take it to the next level, you can then plan to meet regularly to get to know each other. But do it only in a public place, not at each other’s houses and limit the number of times you do this every week so you don’t crowd out other relationships that you are in together.
2. Intellectual Arena
This involves learning to communicate. Many couples rush into intimacy because they spend their time complimenting each other and saying sweet nothings to each other. To prepare for a lifetime together, you must learn to communicate! Once you decide to start meeting regularly, don’t just meet to look into each other’s eyes. A great way to expand your communication is to read books and then discuss them together. This is a great way to expand your vocabulary and get to know the other person’s opinions and interests. There are many great books you can read but two I want to recommend are by an author named Joshua Harris. The first is ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’ and the other is ‘Boy Meets Girl’. We’ll have both on sale after the service.
Even for those already married, you still need to continue to grow together intellectually. Carol and I have done this for years and still read and discuss the books we read. It allows us to have a lot more to talk about than just what’s going on at work and with the children! You must be interested enough to understand your partner’s professional world and to share their recreational interests. How are you growing together intellectually? Socialize before you specialize! The 3rd area to grow your friendship is the …
3. Spiritual Arena
This sets the foundation for spiritual oneness which will help you weather whatever storms that life will throw at you in the future. How do you begin to grow spiritually together? You can join Mizizi or Ndoa together, or share your experiences as you read the Bible. You can resolve to serve in a ministry team together which is a great foundation for a life of service together. How are you growing together spiritually? Socialize before you specialize!
Have you ever bought something that at the time seemed like a great idea then and then later regretted it? Buyer’s remorse is that sense of regret that comes after having made a purchase. You bought something that looked really good in the shop and that made absolute sense at the time but after you bought it, you wondered what you were thinking!
Did you know that many are experiencing ‘buyer’s remorse’ in their relationships today? Many people are walking around shattered and wounded. They gave their hearts to another person, only to have him or her trample on it and return it to sender. Where once there was the excitement of romance, today, they can’t stand the sight of the other person. Instead, emotional scars, broken hearts, baby mommas and daddies, abortions, manipulation and the bitterness of betrayal are what remain: In other words, buyer’s remorse. Many married people also feel trapped in marriages to people they realize they should never have dated. They’re suffering from ‘buyer’s remorse’. How can we avoid sabotaging our relationships and ending up with a serious case of buyer’s remorse? This is what we want to talk about today.
There’s a tragic story in the book of 2 Samuel about a young man who rushed into a relationship, and not only suffered an acute case of ‘buyer’s remorse’, but also destroyed his life in the process.
READ 2 Sam. 13:1-10
Firstborn among King David’s 19 sons (1Chr.3:1-9), Amnon was the crown prince of Israel. Our story happens at a time when his father had defeated all their enemies and the country had entered a season of peace and prosperity. As the next king of Israel, Amnon’s future was bright and the sky was the limit.
But that was until he fell head over heels in love with a beautiful woman. He was so smitten by her that all he could think about day or night was being by her side. Life went into slow motion, and every time he closed her eyes, he saw her face and imagined what it would be like to just be by her side. He was so obsessed with the lady that the bible tells us that he was ‘frustrated to the point of illness’.
READ 2 Sam.13:11-21
One clear thing I want to focus on in this story is the clear and present danger of being led by our feelings when it comes to romantic relationships. Today many are accelerating from infatuation to intimacy, bypassing everything in between, unaware of how destructive this approach is to their hope of ever finding an intimate relationship that works. From our passage, I see several problems of basing a relationship on feelings rather than on genuine friendship …
1. Its Impossible To Truly Know The Other Person
v.2 ‘Amnon became frustrated to the point of illness on account of his sister Tamar’ v.17 ‘He called his personal servant and said “Get this woman out of here and bolt the door after her”.’ One minute he was obsessed about her. The next, she was ‘this woman’. One minute she was all he could think about. The next, he didn’t even like her and wanted her out of his sight. BTW, does this sound familiar anybody?
Basing your relationship on feelings hinders your ability to truly know the other person. It creates an artificial environment for two people to interact. Too many couples rush from acquaintance to intimacy to marriage without truly getting to know each other. They’re literally strangers! They say they’re in love with each other but like Amnon, they’re actually in love with the feeling they get from being with the other person. In other words, they’re in love… with being in love! And so they rush into emotional and sexual involvement without ever taking the time to know who the other person truly is. ‘I’m so in love with this her and he’s so much fun to be with; this time I just know we’re going to live happily ever after!’
But here’s the problem… Being fun on a date does not necessarily equate with the ability to be a good marriage partner. You need to see the other person in the real-life settings of church, family and friends. How does he interact with the people who know him best? How does she react when things don’t go perfectly? What is his relationship with his mother and sisters like? Who are her really good friends? Two years into your marriage, these are the questions that will really count — they have to do with character, not feelings! So to avoid buyer’s remorse, friendship must come before intimacy. Or to put it differently, socialize before you specialize! The 2nd problem of basing a relationship on feelings is that…
2. It Isolates You From Vital Friendships
v.9 ‘Send everyone out of here’ Amnon quickly set the stage for what he was intending to do. When Tamar realized his plans, she pleaded with him in v.13 ‘Please speak to the king, he will not keep me from being married to you’. The reality however was that Amnon was not interested in what others thought but only in satisfying his immediate needs. Many couples today are just like Amnon. They pair off, isolating themselves, rushing into intimacy. They are so in love they really don’t want to know what their friends or relatives or workmates have to say. And they don’t care! Some eventually do come and ask for advice but you can see they’ve already decided on their course of action and they’re just looking for an endorsement!
[‘Pastor M, I really love her, what do you think?’ You don’t care what I think, you’ve already made your decision!] The problem is that their emotions are so loud that they cannot hear the people around them.
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The Hollywood picture of relationships is two people focusing exclusively on each other. Many young couples today isolate themselves and cut off from their friends. They spend every waking moment that they can together, looking deeply into each other’s eyes and a few weeks after they meet are already discussing intimate details like how they’ll make beautiful babies together. This is premature intimacy!
Perhaps you’ve done a similar thing. You rushed too quickly into very close intimacy, isolating the friends and family members who love and know you the most. In that situation, it’s extremely likely that you will lose perspective and make poor judgments like Amnon. Proverbs 15:22 says, “Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” To avoid buyer’s remorse, friendship must come before intimacy. Socialize before you specialize! The 3rd problem of basing a relationship on feelings rather than genuine friendship is…
3. It Can Sabotage Your Destiny
v.22 ‘Absalom never said a word to Amnon, either good or bad; he hated Amnon because he had disgraced his sister Tamar’. These are ominous words, setting the stage for a sequel. And sure enough if you read on, you find that Absalom, Tamar’s brother, bid his time from that day and when he judged the moment as right, he killed Amnon. This young man who was destined to be the successor to King David never lived to wear the crown. His own foolishness sabotaged his God-given mission and led to his death. And even worse, not only did he sabotage his own destiny but he destroyed Tamar’s destiny as well.
Many today are bleeding and hurting. They rushed into premature intimacy rather than first building on a foundation of friendship. As a result, they’re so caught up with the consequences of broken relationships that they’ve completely detoured form their purpose. And in the process, some have left a trail of broken, bleeding people behind them. It’s time to stop the madness! To avoid buyer’s remorse, friendship must come before intimacy. Socialize before you specialize!
…
So how do we avoid rushing too quickly into intimacy? How do we grow our friendship? Here are 3 arenas you need to focus on with the other person before you agree to take it to the next level…
1. Social Arena
Once it’s clear you’re interested in someone, instead of both abandoning your existing relationships and clinging to each other, you need to begin by inviting each other into your social circles! Start with a season where you don’t spend time alone, but you spend it together with your friends. A great idea at such a time is to invite the person to join your Life Group. This way they get to know your friends really well. You socialize not just with each other but with others in a group setting, releasing the pressure from both of you. This helps you get to know the other person’s world. Do this for several months without expectation. With time if you decide to take it to the next level, you can then plan to meet regularly to get to know each other. But do it only in a public place, not at each other’s houses and limit the number of times you do this every week so you don’t crowd out other relationships that you are in together.
2. Intellectual Arena
This involves learning to communicate. Many couples rush into intimacy because they spend their time complimenting each other and saying sweet nothings to each other. To prepare for a lifetime together, you must learn to communicate! Once you decide to start meeting regularly, don’t just meet to look into each other’s eyes. A great way to expand your communication is to read books and then discuss them together. This is a great way to expand your vocabulary and get to know the other person’s opinions and interests. There are many great books you can read but two I want to recommend are by an author named Joshua Harris. The first is ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’ and the other is ‘Boy Meets Girl’. We’ll have both on sale after the service.
Even for those already married, you still need to continue to grow together intellectually. Carol and I have done this for years and still read and discuss the books we read. It allows us to have a lot more to talk about than just what’s going on at work and with the children! You must be interested enough to understand your partner’s professional world and to share their recreational interests. How are you growing together intellectually? Socialize before you specialize! The 3rd area to grow your friendship is the …
3. Spiritual Arena
This sets the foundation for spiritual oneness which will help you weather whatever storms that life will throw at you in the future. How do you begin to grow spiritually together? You can join Mizizi or Ndoa together, or share your experiences as you read the Bible. You can resolve to serve in a ministry team together which is a great foundation for a life of service together. How are you growing together spiritually? Socialize before you specialize!
