Apologies

Hey guys, I know, no posts for the past two days, and yes I can hear it now, how can I write a daily recap blog when I'm not here daily. So, so, sorry, final exams kinda caught me by surprise and I'm held up with that and trying to find an internship...I promise, I'm gonna make it up to you!

Love you!

Apologies

Hey guys, I know, no posts for the past two days, and yes I can hear it now, how can I lead a daily devotion when I'm not here daily. So, so, sorry, final exams kinda caught me by surprise and I'm held up with that and trying to find an internship...I promise, I'm gonna make it up to you!

Love you!

Failing

Have you guys ever just felt, like you're at the end of your rope. Like, "o.k I've had enough" and you throw your hands up in the air and say whatever happens, happens. I guess that's where I am right now. I don't know, for some reason, I feel really angry and moody.

I'll start with this, I haven't prayed in a couple of days. I mean, Sunday at Church I realized that, that thing of mine for not being able to pray-like talk, to God, and instead writing prayers in my journal, isn't quite helping me grow. I mean, we're at Church, after worship, and people are just talking to God, while I'm thinking, "I left my journal in the car!"

Another reason, is that I just feel like things aren't working out the way I expected them to. Like, I wasn't baptized this past weekend even though I really didn't want any complications to do with that, and now it seems that complications are where I'm headed, seeing that I haven't even received that text message confirmation that I'm apparently supposed to get.

Another reason, is that those prayer requests we made at the beginning of the month at Church, I haven't gotten answers. O.k, one of the things I prayed for was that my mom would support me and make it easier on me, emotionally, when I moved out. I couldn't handle it, worrying everyday, that she's sad or mad at me, or that she thinks that I abandoned her or that I don't need her anymore. That's been answered because I think my mom is happy, and we talk a lot. So, that, I am thankful for. However the other stuff...nope!

It's not like I'm asking for anything bad. I thought that if you're prayers aligned to God's will, the answer would be yes. Seriously, it's not like I'm asking for anything that you could classify as...I don't know...crazy unsaved things. Still, I'm not getting a whole lot of yes's. Another thing is that I feel like God knows my weaknesses, so wouldn't it stand to reason, that he wouldn't let me experience the hurts I did when I wasn't saved, now that I am saved?

I think I give up, asking for anything...I think when I do pray, it'll just be, narrating my day, but asking for anything...no...it just hurts too much, to hope for something and having your hopes not pan out.

O.K as you can probably tell, today would have been the day of my Mizizi class and these are the questions I would have asked there. However since we graduated, and I'm not seeing my Lifegroup till Friday, I pose these questions to you.

I hate being so low :-(

Reversing The Tragedy

Romans 7:14-20 (NET)
v.14 For we know that the law is spiritual – but I am unspiritual, sold into slavery to sin. v.15 For I don’t understand what I am doing. For I do not do what I want – instead, I do what I hate. v.16 But if I do what I don’t want, I agree that the law is good. 17 But now it is no longer me doing it, but sin that lives in me. 18 For I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my flesh. For I want to do the good, but I cannot do it. 19 For I do not do the good I want, but I do the very evil I do not want! 20 Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer me doing it but sin that lives in me. 

I don't know about you guys, but I have a pretty bad "before" story...you know, "before I started going to Church" In fact, when I heard we had to do a video testimony before getting baptized after Mizizi, I just about freaked out. On the one hand, you're happy because, now you're free, but on the other hand, I'm thinking about how I'm inviting my mom to Mavuno when I get baptized. There are just some things that mama can't know!!!

I truly did make a mess of my life, and so have most of us, that's why today's Switchfoot Song of The Day is, "Mess of Me"



Before I get to the song, let me share a little of my "Mess of Me" story. The past two years have been pretty much crappy. Now, the only people who read this blog are you two, so you know what I'm talking about. Drinking, dad died, more drinking, let's not forget the weed cakes, hehehe, clubbing, boyfriends, more clubbing, nasty stuff, depression, losing 30 kgs, gaining 30 kgs, hahaha, and now I'm here. Sometimes I just look back, and I'm so ashamed of the person I was, and other times I look back and I'm so glad because, I'm free now, and other times to be honest, I look back and want to be there again. Life doesn't magically become perfect now, you know, sometimes, I look at other people and their lives seem so much easier and fun. Then I remember, how even when I was out and life seemed funner and easier, always, always at around 2 a.m. when the buzz died down, I'd start getting sad, wondering why I went out in the first place.

In the song, Jon Foreman talks about, how nobody made us into what we are. We made those decisions alone, and in essence, in our freedoms, we've become our own worst enemy.

 "I am my own affliction...there ain't no drug that they could sell, no there ain't no drug to make me well"

Jon says,"...the song attempts to explore our darkest parts and rise above the gloomy moments to find true life...these darkest parts destroy us if we leave them unchecked."

But, there's a victory in this self-discovery, knowing you can't help yourself, knowing you can't live the rest of your life in this affliction, leads you to the decision,

"I've made a mess of me,
I want to reverse this tragedy
I've made a mess of me
I want to spend the rest of my life alive." 


Luckily, we have a God who's more than willing to "reverse our tragedies" and thankfully, He sends the Holy Spirit to sanctify us, (re-clean us, cause we keep messing up) His mercies are new every morning.




Lyrics and any Switchfoot material belongs to Switchfoot and their management. Thank ya!

Blogging

Hey, so you might notice some changes to the blog, I've been working on a few other blogs, both for Paradigm and a few for work. By work I mean, I've started a new business blog, at least to improve my CV a little bit. For Paradigm, I started a blog called The Sound and Setting Sun, where we'll look at the Bible, and God through music and art. All these new Christian artists, we'll take a look into their work and try to figure out if what they say/sing is beneficial or something like, that, I still can't explain the concept. You'll notice that the pages, are now regular posts and the links on top are now links to the other blogs, all for your convenience!

Well, now I have so much free time on my hands, I'll make this little ole' blog into a big new website, even if it's just for me :-)

Anyway, some of the links may not work, since I'm still working on it, but be patient, my lovies.

Have a great day!

Bent Reeds and Flickering Lamps

::::....

Matthew 12:20-21  He will not break off a bent reed, nor put out a flickering lamp. He will persist until he causes justice to triumph, and on him all peoples will put their hope."

How awesome is that line, He will not break off a bent reed, nor put out a flickering lamp. I can't count the number of nights I go to sleep thinking how I don't deserve to pray because God would never listen to me because I messed up too much in my past or that I'm not good enough in a bunch of ways.

This verse totally lifts me up. It makes my love and appreciation for all God did for me grow. I was bent but He didn't allow me to be broken, I flickered but He never put me out. He persisted until He got me and in Him I will put my hope.

For You:::

I know probably some of you don't agree with my views and I completely respect that. This is my story and I hope you'll still join me through it and that you'll have the freedom to enjoy and laugh with me. I also hope that maybe at the end of it, maybe I can change your mind or at the very least that we can engage in debate :-) So comment on the posts or e-mail me at 20thparadigm@gmail.com with any questions or if you want to directly talk to me.

Finally:::

Life is life. It's dirty, messy and complicated (as you'll see as you read through this blog, ha ha ), but us "bent reeds and flickering lamps", we've got someone looking out for us, always have and always will.

Love and Life

O.k, I've debated adding this page here, because really, I have no experience in the matter, but this is in response to the few people who've stumbled upon my beloved blog. My post "You're so hot....." has gained the most traffic on this site than any other post I've ever done. In addition, posts where I've written about love also are top on the list and my other post on "Killing a Chicken..." was featured on BlogHer with close to 900 reads, which is definitely the most I've ever gotten. And being featured on BlogHer was a pretty HUGE(!) deal for me.

Most blogs with a page like this use it to describe their boyfriends or their fiancés or their marriages complete with a to-die-for 'How We Met' story and pictures of their beautiful home, maybe even their boyfriend/fiancé/husband has written a little post about how much his girlfriend/fiancée/wife makes them crazy but they love them so much anyway, and all the other stuff that makes me addicted to their blogs. I've got none of that :-)

Photo Credit: Image Housing

BUUUUT, this page is dedicated to my views on love, my expectations - however unrealistic or over the top they may be on relationships and marriage, rants about the Wedding Show and Samantha's Bridal TV Show, my other mushy mushy TV shows and all the other stuff Disney fantasies are made of or that I've dreamed of or anything else I might find funny or entertaining or insightful. (Maybe even some of my own real-life stories, my dating life has been full of laughs and disasters so that would be pretty entertaining!)

So far, my life has been all about career and school and getting money and I'm sure it's the same for most of you, but sometimes it's good to just kick-back and dream a little, learn a little, laugh a little, even laugh at me a little!

Enjoy!

Love

Anticipation

Dating

Relationships

Weddings

Marriage

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