November 2014 Insta-Recap

Free morning? I would highly recommend heading to thestirring.org and listening to a podcast from this series #wisdom #wordgirl #thestirring #kingsofisrael #podcasts

the sun comes up it's a new day dawning, it's time to sing Your song again, whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes #blesstheLordohmysoul #10000reasons #sunrise #mountains #Redding #beauty #peace #revived

Filling my room with Presence streaming #LeadersAdvance2014 worship led by Brian & Jenn Johnson and Melissa & Jonathan Helser #powercouples #powerFULLL #worship #BethelMusic

said aloud to some of the people I work with today, "Aww, I want one of those sweatshirts or a T-shirt" she said, "Oh you didn't get your welcome bag? This is for you!" and she hands me this swag bag with both a sweatshirt AND a T-shirt and a journal to boot (more than I asked, thought or imagined) AND it has my name on it! Sometimes God has provided the answer to your need/wish/desire and it's sitting right in front of you and you just have to speak out your need/wish/desire and sooner or later your words fall on the right ears that know where the gift God provided is and they will hand it to you.

watching a video and one of the singers on screen is sitting across from me in real life 😊 one of life's cool moments, plus this girl can siiing!

Why I love fall: you get close to a full tank on $40, during summer, this would have been half a tank #gasprices #thanktheLord! #gas #jeep

Got to serve on the #kingdomcometour today loading and unloading the bus plus watching Andrew Ehrenzeller and Bryan & Katie Torwalt live from the front row. It was so surreal to see a couple members of the Jesus Culture band up there, they are SO good!!! Like ridiculously beyond GOOD beyond anything I've ever heard!

woke up to -2°C/34°F and my windshield covered in frost. Never happened to me before, so I spent 10 minutes on Google figuring out what to do, warm water didn't work because it froze 5 minutes later, plus I was scared of cracking the glass, so I ended up with a saltshaker shaking salt on my windows in -2° weather #newexperiences #IAmFromTheTROPICS #fall

 Pretty much the Saturday morning of my dreams looking forward to a week of this #ThanksgivingBreak #rain #happythanksgiving #happyholidays

Got tagged by @rhonelda11 to #stopandtakeaselfie and I tag @elizabethmiranda 😊 This is inspired by talking to my big bro today and he goes, out of nowhere "your eyes are not aligned, just noticed" Yeah bro, I also have a zit on my nose and I wear a retainer to bed #reallife #lazyeye #iwearitwithdaconfidence #cantmesswitmyswaggggg #lovehim 😍

One of my super awesome bosses found an extra one of these in the office for me. To say this album is beautiful would be an understatement. Get it on bethelmusic.com/swan-song on December 2nd! #worththewait #worship #sweetness #hgktswansong #SwanSong #hunterthompson #huntergkthompson #BethelMusic

Warm chicken noodle soup & french bread, snickers ice-cream, candle light & a movie #loveyourselfwell #heartfull

 I went running with this girl & when I was falling back & told her to go on without me, she came back, grabbed my hand and ran with me. That's just 1 example of the many times @elizabethmiranda has made me cry. She champions me at every corner. Her fiery passion and depths of wisdom have only increased & turned her into more of the leader she always was. She cares for people's hearts & kicks them out of self pity & into action. She take theories about Holy Spirit and lives Him out by example. She hears God more clearly than any person I know. #HappyBirthday my friend. #Thankyou for a crazy year of #friendship & for putting up with me 💑 #HappyThanksgiving

Took an accidental picture of myself trying to set up my phone for a selfie and it turns out to be the best picture I've ever taken

Hosted an after thanksgiving sleepover/Elizabeth's birthday sleepover with these 2!!!

So my neighbors are awesome! It's looking like Christmas over here!

Hosting African Thanksgiving and loving it 😍 people brought so much food! I'm always nervous before hand, but I love having people over at my house, it fills my love tank.

He Shall Find Me On My Way

When I was in College - pause - did I really just use that statement? Where did the time go?? Anyway, when I was in College, I was a major procrastinator. I hated studying for exams and somehow, unconsciously, I would always surround myself with drama the weeks approaching exam time. I realized close to the end of my college career that finals week would be the days I would be going through a breakup or fights with friends. I guess, I needed the drama to distract me from the pressure of studying or to create enough tension to keep me focused. So very unhealthy, but it was a pattern I could count on - and when I recognized it, I used it to my advantage and got straight A's literally on every exam the week of my break-up.

I just realized, since there aren't any breakups or friends to fight with in my life right now, I might still unconsciously be creating drama to distract me from the pressure of life and whatever this season I'm in is. The thing is, as you know by now, for the past few weeks, I've been stuck in this rut. All of a sudden tonight, my attitude has for the most part, been transformed. I don't know if it's the events of the past couple of days or just, to be blunt, mood swings. Whatever it is, tonight I feel charged.

I'm still hungry for more. I still have questions. I still can't stay where I've been. I still want to go deeper. I still am not convinced I've seen enough of God in my personal life to prove His realness in the vast sense that the Bible declares. But, despite all this, tonight I'm charged with the realization that life is too short to sit here with my questions doing nothing but waiting for answers. I'm still waiting for Him to answer me, but He will find me on the way. I need to charge forward with the work He has given me. If this season is a  season of growth & building, I need to roll my sleeves up, grow & build. When He does come and answer me, He will find me walking on this journey, 10 steps ahead of where I should be. Waging & warring, not curled up in a tight ball of hopelessness and trepidation.

I have such a good example to use, which is probably not the best to put on here; I will say this, sometimes you need to be an Olivia shouting at and calling out the powerful Cyrus in you when he's decided to cower away and retreat. If you catch the reference, great, if not, don't worry about it. The point is, get over yourself and work! Work yourself back into your rightful place of victory.

There's so much I want to do and need to do and know I'm made to do. In the truest version of me, circumstances, visa/immigration situations, uncertainties, hormones, moods, emotions set aside, His passion is burning inside of me, there is literally no time to waste. Jeremiah 20:9 (AMP) "If I say, I will not make mention of [the Lord] or speak any more in His name, in my mind and heart it is as if there were a burning fire shut up in my bones. And I am weary of enduring and holding it in; I cannot [contain it any longer]."

In the truest version of me, the only time I feel fully alive is when this passion for Him is ignited. It puts things in perspective. My life is in your hands Lord, what would you have me do?

Much Ado About Everything

Some pretty interesting things have happened in this journey of stepping into whatever season this is God is pushing me into. (Yes, I said God is pushing me into even though I know my last post was on doubting whether He was real or not) I tell you, His existence is simply not something you can get away from. I genuinely have no idea and can't imagine the thought process of an atheist. When you're excited and you say, "Oh My God!" What do you mean? Or when you're frustrated and say, "Oh Lord!" What does that mean? Because to me, I actually am calling out to Someone. I can't not believe in His exitence. I don't even know how that would work if I didn't believe He was real. Anyway, back to my story...

Some pretty interesting things have happened in this process. I've been waking up at 5:30AM to pray. I felt like I needed to. I always make these big declarations about what I'm going to do to move God or shift my circumstances and I rarely stick to them past a couple of days. I'm actually learning to be less legalistic about my life, no amount of "self-help" steps are going to change me if my heart's not changed from the inside. So I wasn't expecting to stick too long to this early wake up call thing, but with the way it's been working, I just might ;-)

Night 1. I get up and do my thing and pray specifically over finances, then an hour later, I fell asleep and got woken up by a phone call from a cold-caller, I don't know if that's what they're called in America. Anyway, this automated voice leaves a message that says, my loan application for $8000 has been received and to call them to complete the process. This was at 6AM. I've never gotten a cold call that early and never gotten a cold call like that. So, it may just be coincidence that happened, but it's just really weird.

Night 2. Normal.

Night 3. Met the guy walking his dog from the last post & got the prophetic word during worship.

Night 4. Normal.

Night 5. Slept in, but weirdly, I felt a part of me wake up and start praying. I could have just been dreaming, but it was around 5ish AM - I didn't check but I'm guessing because a few minutes later my housemate (who gets up at 5:30) woke up. I don't know if it was a dream or my spirit really did wake up and pray. I know that happens sometimes.

Night 6. Normal

So, as I pray, in my super honest, super dramatic flair ;-) I just tell God, "I don't know what to do!!! I don't know what's going on with me!!!" I'm stuck between feeling like I'm on the brink of something and feeling hopeless because I've been on the brink for so long and so many things have gone...not so great in the process, I don't know if it's here yet or what's going on.

My friend asked me what he could pray about for me, my honest answer, wasn't finances or any of my "pressing needs", it was honestly, just to get a deeper revelation of God. He's taking me somewhere. That's the reason for all of this. That's why I feel so unsettled. He could literally breathe on my circumstances and they would be fulfilled but He's not and that's for a reason. He's taking me somewhere and the sooner I figure out where, the sooner the rest of these things will be taken care of.

I've prayed for chronically ill people before. Three things I've noticed are, one, the person becomes so comfortable in their illness, their identity is formed around it and they unconsciously decide that this is their lot in life and God intends for them to live this way for some reason that sounds perfectly logical and even holy sometimes. Two, they just have no concept of God - the loving Father and believe if they get healed, then the devil is going to send some other form of attack their way. Both stem from fear of disappointment and comfort in malady. Three, they have tons of breakthrough in their spirit, but it doesn't translate physically.

I don't want that to be my life. I refuse to settle for less than, that my life will just be ordinary because that's my lot in life or it's the season I'm in "waiting for God's perfect timing". There's a reason for the journey but if I'm not growing, if I'm not getting better, I'm not just sitting here. I'm happy to be single, but it better be because God is saving someone massively incredible for me. I'm happy to not be earning any money right now, but it better be because soon I'm going to have more money than I know what to do with. I'm happy to live away from my family and be disconnected from my nephew & nieces growing up but it better mean that my family is going to be incredible and powerful at the end of this. I'm happy to serve unnoticed in the background, but it better be because God is preparing a place for me some day.

God owes me nothing, I know that, but at the same time, if He says I'm His daughter, my voice should carry some influence in the Kingdom. I have the ability to pray stuff in that was meant for a different season. I don't need to settle or accept my "lot in life". Like I've said before, Jesus made such a huge deal about a lot of things - how life should be abundant and supernatural, it's time we make a huge deal out of them as well.

I Thought It'd Be Bigger...

I have a ton of notebooks and journals. I have an online journal and I have this. When I get them, I always say, this book will be dedicated to this topic etc etc. I feel like I've ignored this blog though, when the truth is of all my journals, this one probably feeds me the most. Knowing I can come here and track my life and how I've grown for the past 4 years is awesome. I've gotten all of my jobs because of this blog. I think because of that, I've not been motivated to write as much because I started writing for everyone else and not for me.

That's going to change though, starting from today. The truth is, my life every part of me, what you read here, this is all what makes me tick, what makes me a FANTASTIC employee, a great creative mind, and generally great.

Anyway, down to the nitty gritty. So lately, I've been in a season where my faith has been confronted a lot. Everything about my life speaks to the fact that I know God and I'm living for Him, but sometimes, you hit a speed bump and you have to navigate your way through it.

My speed bump has been the question, is God really real? I might be a totally sold out Christian, but I'm still living in this world and I see the same things everybody else sees and I wonder sometimes. I'm not talking about the big issues of the world, wars and violence and climate change, I'm talking about, if God is real then why am I still struggling in areas where He knows I need Him?
In this season, the first 5 minutes of my prayers have been spent repeating, "God you are real" over and over again because I need to get myself to believe it.

I grew up on intellectual faith, I know He's real because I know the Bible is real and I love what the Bible says. In my brain, I know God is real, there can be no other way. I know He is real because I am here, I am way too complex to have just appeared or evolved out of a monkey. I Intellectually, I have no doubt as to the realness of God, and the God from the Bible is a God I would give my life to.

I graduated to a social faith, where I know He's real because my mom prayed every morning and night aloud for my entire life and probably even before then. I know He's real because my mom has given away all her life savings to see the advancement of the people she's responsible to love and by extension to God. I know He's real because I am surrounded by people who paused their whole lives to pursue Him. I know He is real because people have personal stories about Him and the God from those stories is a God I would give my life to.

I've had a little bit of experiential faith where I know God is real because I'm here in the land of my promise pursuing my dreams and that door was opened supernaturally. I know God is real because I've lived a year away from home successfully. I know God is real because of the favor on my life to be able to work for some of the best people in the world, doing jobs I could never have dreamed of. I know God is real because of the moments I've felt Him, when His words have jumped off the page and literally knocked the wind out of my chest. I know God is real because at my weakest, He's used me to touch people's lives even when I didn't intentionally go after that. I know God is real because of the way I physically react when He comes close. I know God is real because of how I feel when I speak in tongues or pray a specific prayer over someone that meets their needs.

So I was having this conversation with a friend on our morning run and a man appears out of nowhere, walking his dog and he starts conversation with us and reads to us out of "Jesus Calling" the devotional. Everything He says responds to every question I had in my heart. I know God is real because of divine encounters like that. How does that even happen. We watched him walk away and half of me was waiting for him to disappear in front of my eyes because it felt too perfect, like an angel came to deliver the word at the precise time I needed it.

Later today, a girl came up to me during worship and prophesied over me again speaking His words directly into my areas of doubt. I know God is real because she could have said anything else in the world, but she said those words.

I feel like this is where I'm at, God keeps showing me things to show me He's real and I get it, I really do. There's virtually no reason not to get it, but I feel like the kid in this Subaru Outback ad, "I thought it'd be bigger". I'm not saying it to hurt my Dad, I'm only saying it because He said there would be more, there would be greater. He played up this whole salvation thing so much, that there has to be more to it than words and twitches.

I don't think being set financially would make Him anymore real, even if it was like a million dollars fell from Heaven directly, well maybe then, jk. I don't think me meeting "the one" and getting married would make Him any more real. I don't think a green card and a job offer would make Him any more real, well maybe, lol again, jk. With all these things and nothing more, I'd still be back here in a year asking the same question. I thought freedom would be more free. I thought joy would be more joyous. I think it's OK to be like this kid. I'm so appreciative for every small beginning, but I thought it would be bigger. I'm ready for bigger. I need my ginormous bison to walk toward me. I don't know what that looks like, but I need it. I know God is real, maybe the problem is, I have made Him too small in my eyes.

Radiance

The new issue of Radiance is out now! If you wanna check it out, fill in the contact form with #Radiance and your email address and I'll send that right out to you!

Radiance is a small little project,( a mini-magazine - to put it generously,) I started in 4 hours one night thinking about ways I could fund raise for school and my life as a student for the next couple of years here in America while doing something I love at the same time. I love to create and to learn how to do it, I love to write, I love God and I love to create and write about God.

This 1st issue is 14 pages of pictures and stories and I felt it was a good place to start, especially for 4 hours of work. I felt the Holy Spirit on me so strongly, I was literally shaking, maybe out of nervousness or anticipation or joy or just Him, as I embarked on this journey and wrote those first words, I hope that comes through as you read them.

Love you guys, and thank you for all your support!